We got married

[Cilantro]

Either that or, she could be more sexual because she is jealous and/or thinks she needs to compete with other women in order to keep him.

 

 

 

I sort of feel this may be more accurate on the subconscious level at least. Because during and after sex I don't feel that way.

[Cilantro]

Another thing is that I almost feel like I have to reteach him about sex and why it's important. I've always felt like he was after the goal and not the love of the game, if that makes sense. Like if he would be going really fast and id ask him to slow down, he would for a minute and then speed up again. Last night we did it but we kissed for quite a while and just felt each other's bodies, and when he'd try to start having sex, id tell him not to rush it and to be patient. I feel like I need him to have a similar outlook of sex with me so as to keep him from being all about the orgasm. Idk if I'm making sense.

 

Or it could all very well be this new sense of control I feel I need to have.

[Applewhite]

I am more concerned about your emotional well being and long term well being than sex. I certainly hope you are happy and can feel secure, confident and stable in this relationship after what has happened (we can't change what has happened) and after your actions after all that has happened. I'm sure he is happy so don't worry about that. He is almost being rewarded for what he has done.

 

Has he made any heartfelt reassurances either by talking to you or being involved with the aftermath in a positive way? If not, do you think you will be able to avoid pain/anger/mental anguish if this happens again (and worse this time, as these things tend to escalate especially if the other party is rewarded).

 

If you think about it he has nothing to lose from a sexual encounter with another 'ex'. He gets to have an exciting sexual 'forbidden' experience + if you find out he gets sensual and better sex at home. What is stopping him? If I was him I would grab a room with the next hot blonde.

[OptomisticGirl]

Another thing is that I almost feel like I have to reteach him about sex and why it's important. I've always felt like he was after the goal and not the love of the game, if that makes sense. Like if he would be going really fast and id ask him to slow down, he would for a minute and then speed up again. Last night we did it but we kissed for quite a while and just felt each other's bodies, and when he'd try to start having sex, id tell him not to rush it and to be patient. I feel like I need him to have a similar outlook of sex with me so as to keep him from being all about the orgasm. Idk if I'm making sense.

 

Or it could all very well be this new sense of control I feel I need to have.

 

My ex was like that. Get in and get out. I remember once I asked him not to rush his orgasm Anndddd 30 secs later guess who finished? Not me. Is he patient with giving you an orgasm through fore play or does he tend to rush that?

[Moontiger]

Cilantro, I followed your previous thread very closely and am very glad for the update.

 

I think it is clear that you love this man very much. That will not change overnight, emotions are irrational. However, love does NOT conquer all, I had to learn that the hard way. My ex, I dated him for 3 years, we were half a step from being engaged, his mother called me her daughter in law, he had an emotional affair and broke my heart. He was the only man I could ever see my self with and for months I still loved him post break up. But I knew I could not stay with him. To be disrespected like that is unacceptable to me. I was a very hard year for my but I made it through.

 

Both you and he seem to be indecisive individuals, you wanted him to help you choose whether you should get a divorce or not. Neither of you will make a move on this, I see this as a major problem. You must be atleast somewhat decisive not only in your marriage but in most parts of you life if you ever what to find a place of happiness. Have you ever thought about what you want (aside from a time machine to go back to earlier in your relationship)? Once you know what you want you will know the steps you need to take.

 

Another problem I see is that you seem to be under the impression that he can change, wanting and/or attempting to change your SO is NEVER a good or healthy thing. You must accept you partner for who they are. This is who he is, nothing you can do will change that. He wants a wife to come home to and other women to go out with and make life exciting. Can you ever feel safe in this relationship when you are always going to wondering what he is doing?

 

I am not saying that you deserve this, no one does. But, if you choose to stay with this man you know EXACTLY what you are getting. Are you ok with what you getting? If yes then stay with him, if no go get those divorce papers.

[Applewhite]

Has anything changed?

[Cilantro]

We have an appointment for marriage counseling May 23. I'm looking forward to it, not because I'm excited but because I am just hoping it'll help at this point. We have good days and bad days. The thing is that on the good days, he thinks everything will be ok and that we're on a path to recovery. A little part of me also feels like that on the good days. But on the bad days, I feel like throwing in the towel. The good days and bad days are not based on him and I together. It's completely based on how I am that day. My inconsistency in my behavior is keeping him walking on eggshells. My inconsistency in my behavior is slowly killing me. I don't know how to act most days. I feel like i have to make a conscious choice to act one way or the other but it's never the same behavior as teh day before. And as a result, he doesn't know how to act. I can't say I blame him there. He tries to be loving and generous and affectionate because he will think it's safe to act as such, and I will either graciously accept his touch or be upset with him for touching me. I never know how I'll react until he does it though. I feel so lost and so confused. So now, as a result, he doesn't want to touch me for fear I'll bite his head off. He went to bed earlier without so much as a good night and an I love you.

 

I was bored earlier tonight and decided to go to a coffee shop and read some, just to get out of the house. I asked him if he'd like to go but his back was hurting him so he stayed in. I was grateful for the alone time, actually, so I was ok that he stayed home, but I did bring him home some sweets to snack on (he likes that when he's not feeling well). I was gone about two hours and when I got back, I asked him if we could write the thank you notes from the wedding and he said sure. That turned in to me writing them and him signing his name. I did a few and gave up and began to clean up the house a little bit. He fell asleep on the couch. I eventually woke him up and he apologized for being so tired and sore and for not going with me to the coffee shop earlier. I told him it was ok, that I didn't mind. But really, I did mind. I just didn't want to fight again because that's all we do is fight now. I'm trying to not take things so personally and trying to keep him from walking on eggshells. I figured that I had been nice all day that I should probably just keep it up though the air was noticeably tense. I could tell that he wasn't sure how to act, which is why I think he went to bed silently.

 

I still have no idea what I'm doing and if this will be fixed. At this point it's not even about his infidelity. The closeness is gone, we don't engage each other. We barely speak. When we do, it's about the TV show we're watching or something we read online or the chores around the house. I love him so much and I want our marriage to be a marriage. Is this marriage? Was I kidding myself thinking that marriage would be fun and affectionate and happy?

[Cilantro]

Regarding the issue of feeling mroe sexual, that ebbs and flows with me as well. Some days I really want it, others, I can't stand the thought of it. That's confusing him as well and he doesn't know if he should approach me for sex or not. I told him that many women can't bare to have sex with a man who has cheated on them and that he's lucky to get any from me at all. That was hurtful to him and I know I meant it to be. I feel as though I'm living in fear now. I constantly fear that if I don't want to have sex with him, I feel like i should because if I don't, he'll go to someone else. I told him all of this and he now feels that I am dishonest about my sexual feelings for him, that I have sex with him out of chore and burden. I never do that, really, but since finding out he's cheated on me, I have once or twice. So now he's not sure if I even want to have sex with him and doesn't want me to do it unless I want to. So I feel that I have hurt our sex life even mroe.

 

Not only do I fear he'll cheat on me again if I dont have sex with him enough, I constantly fear seeing his ex in public. I've never met her in person or even seen her in public (only pictures) but everywhere I go, I'm terrified that I'll see her standing right by me and I play scenarios in my head about how I'll handle it. Will I hit her? Yell at her? Degrade her? Do nothing? Introduce myself? Tonight at the coffee shop where I went to read, every time the door opened with a new customer, I felt my heart skip a beat as I looked up, half expecting it to be her. I'm driving myself crazy.

[Oneironaut]

Was I kidding myself thinking that marriage would be fun and affectionate and happy?

 

Nah, you went in optimistically, hoping for the best, and didn't get it. Sadly, it happens in life.

 

All I can say is, I hope you are completely open with your marriage counselor about -everything- you're saying here. While it is important to go into it with a genuine desire to see if the marriage can be fixed, you also have to think about yourself, and your feelings. You were the one who was wronged, so in my opinion, your emotional needs take priority. Don't hide anything, because counseling is an area where absolute, 100% honesty really IS the best policy.

[annie24]

Just a question - how is your birth control?? is it possible any of these mood swings could be pregnancy related??

[Cilantro]

I am most definitely NOT pregnant.

[Applewhite]

I am so sad to read you talking about how you ruined x and how you can't blame him for y. It drives me nuts and I feel bad for you.