ToF Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 His indecisiveness and general lack of motivation speak volumes about his attitude: He is not going to be very flexible in working through this, if that's what you decide to do. YOU will have to put in the majority of the effort to hold together a marriage that should never have happened in the first place. Are you willing to do that, despite the fact that he is the one who cheated and lied? Link to comment
Applewhite Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Maybe he can't make a decision about what to do with ashley but neither can you! I am appalled by the fact that you are putting up with all of this. I am also confused that you are surprised and more angry as you put it. It's not like you just found out or anything... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I would not enlist his family to support you. They are his family. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Come on guys ... Of course she is surprised. You don't expect the man you loved so much you married him to cheat on you and lie about it when confronted. From my vantage point, I was always suspicious that there was more to the initial story but it's easy to see how cilantro convinced herself that her guy was telling the truth. I do think it's time for cilantro to look at the whole situation and think about what the future holds but I think we can all see why she wanted to believe the best of him. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Come on guys ... Of course she is surprised. You don't expect the man you loved so much you married him to cheat on you and lie about it when confronted. From my vantage point, I was always suspicious that there was more to the initial story but it's easy to see how cilantro convinced herself that her guy was telling the truth. I do think it's time for cilantro to look at the whole situation and think about what the future holds but I think we can all see why she wanted to believe the best of him. I think she knows (and also knew back then) but is in denial. It seems to me that she is making up excuses for him (like his work ethic suddenly changed in 2 weeks, he must be in depression etc etc) when in fact nothing can excuse his continual behavior and the actions he engages in by choice and he even defends himself and his position. He is obnoxious enough to blame her for being stuck on this and making a big deal out of it. He is downplaying his role in all this by claiming they are better than most couples etc etc. I refuse to believe (from what little I know of the situation) that this is a phase for the OP's husband. This is his character. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Knowing what you know does not change the emotions of a broken heart. You have to give her that. People make all kinds of excuses when they love someone. Who should we make excuses for and hold out hope for? The person you pass on the street? The greater the investment of our heart the more the denial. She has to grieve and live these feelings it is all a part of the process. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I don't believe this is a phase either ... perhaps it's not his character, perhaps this is just not the relationship for him and that is why he is doing this ... but it's not hard to understand why Cilantro is having trouble processing this. I'm still of the firm opinion that she should leave the marriage, as I don't see his behavior changing. I'm just saying, having found out after a break up that the ex cheated on me and lied to me about a ton of other things - it's not that easy to just flip a switch and decide you're done with the guy in half a second. It is tough. Link to comment
WildChild Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 No, it isn't easy to switch off feelings in the snap of a finger, nor for OP to have trusted he had told her everything. Given she found out about all of this two weeks before the wedding obviously wasn't a huge timeline for her to process everything. She trusted he was telling her everything, and because of embarrassment of calling off the wedding so close to the date she chose to go through with it. Although from the outside it was easier to see or tell this wasn't everything, being on the inside she had faith in him. Now given all of that, two things I think are prevalent. OP turned to his family, who are just as surprised as she is. However, what OP may not be understanding is that even if his parents do not believe this is of his character and it must be depression, they are his family and she is his wife so no one could have paid anyone of them enough money to believe that 1st) he would have done any of this, and 2nd) that he would have continued to lie about it; therefore, blaming this on depression, and not being his character. I don't believe OPs husband was depressed while doing this, however may be depressed now. Second, this man knew what he was doing both before the marriage and afterwards. When given the option, choice, and opportunity he admitted ONLY to what she had proof of. I don't think he lied to save his relationship with her out of love but lied because at that point he had gotten away with it, it being what she did not know nor had any inkling to. Had he TRULY wanted to go into this marriage without a guilty conscience, and wanted to have this marriage built on trust he would have told her everything before the marriage. His reasonings for not may have been to save more embarrassment to himself or his family, but he didn't lie because he didn't want to lose her. This was all about himself. Where OP needs to start looking and coming to the realizations is that unless and until he becomes proactive in this marriage and resolving issues that are clearly issues, no amount of counseling (marital counseling) is going to help. He does NOT see where the problem lies, and does NOT understand what the problem is. He acknowledges only the fact that he didn't want to tell her because she would get mad. He also was relying on the fact that she didn't know everything, but he got busted regardless. His nonchalant attitude is stemming in who he is as a person and a man, and has nothing to do with depression. He is and will continue to cover his butt, and remain nonchalant about it because anything short of that will admit he is guilty. I mentioned it in another post in this thread, that by him going to counseling is only appeasing to her wanting him to, and not because he feels they need it AND will only be a smoke and mirrors effect, making it look like he is trying to fix it when really he sees nothing that needs to be fixed; because in his mind this is HER problem with HIM, and also the reason he feels SHE should be the one to file for divorce and not him. He has nothing to lose, absolutely nothing. She knew of his ways before the marriage and she could have at the minimum pushed the wedding date back. She didn't. She could have told him to step off and walked out, she didn't. Once married, and now finding out more things she could have packed her bags and went to her friends house. She didn't. She could be filing for divorce. She's not. He sees and knows that everything up until this point, she does not have the backbone nor the will power to even want to stand up for herself, and stand up to his actions let alone attitude about it. So why on God's green earth WOULD he do anything to fix anything, let alone worry about losing her when she is still sitting there. He doesn't feel threatened of losing her at all, and everything she is saying is only blowing hot air in his mind. And like he said, which is true, there should not be this big of a discussion about it because she has two options: leave, or stay. And he knows, and she's proven she isn't going to leave, she hasn't even so much as left for a few days to even give a glimpse of threat that she is serious about anything, so in his mind if you're going to stay, then quit already and enough already. It's OPs lack of better judgment and swallowing her pride that is preventing her to admit what she already knows, she's only hoping to find excuses to not walk out and has put more faith in him, rather than herself. I've been down this road a time or two, and unless and until this man seeks counseling on his own there will be nothing that is going to change the matter nor lessen the liklihood that this won't continue or get worse. And unless and until he admits to and within himself the errors of his ways, or feels forced enough to go into counseling by her and/or his family and then realizes the severity of this, nothing is going to change. OP doesn't see nor wants to accept the reality of any of this, and that she has opened pandoras box that unless he decides and fully and truly realizes what he did and has been doing is completely wrong, and makes the decision to stop and to come completely clean, he will only get better at lying and hiding evidence. That is a promise. 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sherryberrypie Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 The title of the thread speaks volumes about her current state of mind. We got married. Before I even started reading, I knew what it was going to be about. OP- Just realize that just because you spoke the words and exchanged the rings, doesn't mean that you're in a marriage at all. A marriage is what's built up over time, based on mutual love, trust, and respect. Link to comment
truegrit Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 This whole thing is very sad. From the title of her lst thread "I'm marrying a cheater" to now "I got married". After only a few weeks it should be a time where everyone is congratulating her and she should be in one of the happiest stages of her life and instead there are no congrats just talk of divorce. Very sad indeed...... Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Cilantro - did you get to talk to your husband this weekend about your problems? try to come to some sort of understanding/plan/whatever? Link to comment
Cilantro Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Knowing what you know does not change the emotions of a broken heart. You have to give her that. People make all kinds of excuses when they love someone. Who should we make excuses for and hold out hope for? The person you pass on the street? The greater the investment of our heart the more the denial. She has to grieve and live these feelings it is all a part of the process. Thank you for this. Link to comment
Cilantro Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Cilantro - did you get to talk to your husband this weekend about your problems? try to come to some sort of understanding/plan/whatever? As of right now, I intend to stick with him and try to get past it. I married him after all, knowing this is what he did. I have to take responsibility for my actions in this. Right now I'm taking it day by day, trying not to obsess about it or insist on talking about it to him constantly. Asking the same question's over and over expecting a different answer is making me worse. So I'm trying to accept his answers after I've asked each question. I felt myself becoming unhealthier the way I was going about it. I'm staying somewhere else for a few days though to sort my mind out. One weird thing I've noticed though is that I feel more sexual now, like I want to have sex more often than I did before I found out. I don't know why that is but we're having sex quite often now. And I dont feel dead inside while we do it and I'm not thinking about what he did when we do it. I'm not sure what to make of all of that because if nothing else I thought sex would be the farthest from my mind considering what's happened. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 So it sounds like you are happy. Glad to hear it. Link to comment
Cilantro Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 I'm not sure what I am at this point. I'm not happy but I'm not sad. I'm not angry but I'm not ok with what happened. I just am? I don't know. Not obsessing over it is really helping though. That's been the biggest breakthrough for me so far Link to comment
ToF Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I'm not sure what I am at this point. I'm not happy but I'm not sad. I'm not angry but I'm not ok with what happened. I just am? I don't know. Not obsessing over it is really helping though. That's been the biggest breakthrough for me so far So how do you plan to build your trust for him again? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to work this out with you, including marital counseling? Link to comment
Cilantro Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 He says he is. I told him I don't want him talking to any exes anymore whatsoever because apparrntly he and exes can't be "just friends" and he said he understands and wont. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 So wait I am confused, are you ok or not ok with this? Link to comment
Cilantro Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 I'm not ok with it but I'm not letting myself stay in anger. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I'm not ok with it but I'm not letting myself stay in anger. Not letting yourself be angry or other negative thoughts/feelings/actions is certainly a good thing! It is nice that you are regaining control over yourself emotionally. Do you trust without a doubt in your mind that you will never have to face a situation like this again? A situation that is unfair and harmful to your peace of mind? Link to comment
Cilantro Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Id like to say yes to show some sort of optimism but the hurt part of me wants to say no. But then the logical part of me wants to say I don't know. I'm still confused and right now I'm just trying not to feel like a doormat. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Id like to say yes to show some sort of optimism but the hurt part of me wants to say no. But then the logical part of me wants to say I don't know. I'm still confused and right now I'm just trying not to feel like a doormat. I think it is rare that we can (or should) try to control how we feel. How we feel is instinctual and most of the time, for healthy people, these feelings are accurate and needed in order to act accordingly and protect our own well-being. What we can (and should) control is how we react to what life throws at us. Link to comment
greywolf Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Just a thought: do you think you could be more sexual because a part of you feels like you need to 'possess' his body? Link to comment
Applewhite Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Just a thought: do you think you could be more sexual because a part of you feels like you need to 'possess' his body? Either that or, she could be more sexual because she is jealous and/or thinks she needs to compete with other women in order to keep him. Link to comment
Cilantro Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 I've considered both of those points. I'm not sure though. Link to comment
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