We got married

[Cilantro]

I also followed your first thread. Your getting good advice from this one and I don't have much to add, but wanted to tell you I think your super for the fact that you are coming back and admitting your mistake. That takes a lot of guts after all the sometimes strong statements made warning you not to do it. I think you have learned a lot and some day you will look back on this and be a much stronger person for going thru it. I sincerely hope whatever your decision it brings you eventual happiness.

 

Thank you, I appreciate this. But it's not a "mistake" unless I don't see a lesson in it. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out that lesson.

[truegrit]

Good way to see it let's hope it will never be thought of as a mistake

[catfeeder]

[...] Look at what your friends are going through - are you humiliating them, mocking them, thinking they are idiots? No, you feel terrible for them and angry at the men in their lives. People won't be harsh with you either. [...]

 

I agree. You're in excellent company, and you don't love your friends any less for the pain they're in now. Nobody will lessen their own love for you, either.

 

You haven't done anything 'wrong' here. You married the man you loved, and now you'll need to decide whether to get some help to keep loving him, or not. You aren't on anybody else's calendar--so take your time, and treat yourself kindly.

[WildChild]

I suggest individual counseling as well. Although this forum does not 'require' you to take advice, it is a forum where people to come to talk about their problems and generally seek advice. I think probably, considering the context of both your first and now second thread, it would be or should be expected people are going to give their opinions on things, things you can thoughtfully weigh. However, if it shouldn't be an OP's need to actually post to seek advice, generally that is stated within the context of their thread so readers know and understand it is just to vent, rather than seek advice. My concern is your blasse' attitude towards others, and about something that really isn't as complicated as you seem to be making it. You went through with the marriage after 10s of 20s of people advised, pled, and asked for you not to, pointing out things that may happen. You chose to go through with it, which ultimately it is your decision and your life. However, you have now come back to the same people, the people who you had originally came to and grew upset with, but apparently to not seek advice, to let us know that you found out the inevitable, and that was that your husband is a liar and a cheat, and has been for quite sometime. Yet again, you are now coming up with reasons you feel are justifiable to stay in a fruitless marriage, when all they truly are are excuses. I would be MORE embarrassed by what others would think and say should they know and find out everything. That I married and continued to stay married, did not get a divorce OR the word you hate, annulled, to a man who I knowingly married out of belief of him, found out after the marriage he had lied and continued to lie to me, but stayed married? How's that for embarrassment and humiliation. BUT, instead hold my head up high knowing I had a backbone to walk away from someone like the likes of someone I married, who I knew when I married was a cheat but gave him a chance and he blew it, and divorced him. You were given a second chance to walk out on this man, and you're still sitting there. There is something wrong with that. Don't worry about marital counseling, go to sessions by yourself to figure why you are a glutton for punishment. Just make sure to tell them you're not looking to take anyone's advice, you only need them to listen. I think your husband is right. It isn't a hard decision, and there is nothing to weigh: you leave, or you stay. At this point should you stay, you reap what you sow. And most people are going to tell you after awhile, that if this is the life you chose then quit complaining.

[annie24]

cilantro - i think that you and your husband HAVE to make marriage counseling a priority if this relationship is going to work. you can't sweep this under the rug. he's going to have to provide a better explanation than "i messed up." from your previous thread, you said you two had sex once or twice a week. maybe he needs it more frequently?? i bet that the raunchy texts and emails were a source of excitement for him - do you do the same for him? strip tease, dress up, play games, etc....? not blaming you, but maybe he needs more 'spice' to stay faithful?? of course, i don't know, i'm not in his head, but you two have to talk really honestly about what is missing in the relationship.

[OptomisticGirl]

I would say get the divorce. He's already shown he can MARRY you and keep secrets from you - what else will he do during the marriage?

 

That being said, if you still want to give it a shot I would highly reccommend individual counseling as well, for hte both of you. I agree 100% this shouldnt be your decision. He should be man enough to admit he screwed up and walk away from it himself, not wait for you to make that decision for him.

[WildChild]

I guess I view it differently in that it's not a decision she is making for HIM, but for herself. Right now, he doesn't see it as cheating and it's doubtful he ever will. For whatever reason he did this, and continued to do this, is of his own reasonings; however, it does not take away from the fact he lied numerous times, but the ultimate lie was when it was being decided whether or not the wedding should even take place. More than likely, he didn't think he would get caught BUT if it wasn't anything 'bad' then he should have no reason to lie; therefore, by lying, he knew it was wrong. He doesn't want to take responsibility, and although it's not a given, it is something to consider that he may choose to not initiate divorce because he's looking at this as HER problem with HIM, and does not see it as a problem therefore she should be the one to end it. Not to mention, if he feels little to no remorse, or is lazy, it's 'easier' for her to do it than for him. If the OP is waiting for him to do it, then she is going to be waiting a long time, or until he begins to have a full fledged affair and leaves her for someone else. If the reasons he had for doing this was because he felt he lacked something or needed more from her sexually, I would have to believe that conversation would've taken place already given the circumstances over the last few weeks. I don't see what marriage counseling would do, because again if he felt there was a problem sexually or that there was a reason he felt the need to do it, it wouldn't take going to a counselor to figure that out, he would have just told OP the problem he was having when she first caught him...he's been given many outs, and hasn't said anything. And in fact, doesn't see what the big deal is. If he goes to counseling, I would imagine it is only to appease to OPs need, desire, or request and not because he thinks they need it. It's a way of smoke and mirrors...pretend to try to fix something that really he doesn't want or sees fit to have to fix. So this isn't about her, this is about him and nothing she says or does is going to change that, unless and until HE sees it for himself. She's basically dragging a dead horse to water.

[Miss Firecracker]

I expect he wants to befriend the girl that was cheated on recently also. He is just one of those guys that feels obligated to befriend a LOT of women. He will never see it as wrong. You will be a thorn in his side, always questioning his motives, being an insecure and jealous woman.

[Oneironaut]

I didnt take advice because to post on these boards, it's not a requirement to "take" advice. It's also good to see others' perspectives and experiences. And so I don't feel so alone in what I'm going through.

 

Yes logically, I knew I shouldn't have married him. Emotionally, it's not so easy. Emotions weight much more than intellect sometimes.

 

You're correct, it's not a requirement to take advice.

 

I suppose I was simply referring to the fact that you created the thread looking for advice, and when everyone fairly unanimously said, "Don't marry him!", you decided that you were going to marry him anyhow, and got quite upset about the opposition, claiming that no one was "supporting" you except your bridesmaids. Then you requested the thread be shut down, which it was.

 

I'm really not intending to put down your efforts to receive support from this forum. I guess I'm just thinking that the answer here is fairly obvious, as it was the first time: Divorce him before you get in deeper. And honestly, I hope it all works out for you.

[SayWhen]

Why are you so opposed to an annulment? You married this man under false pretenses...why would you want to be seen as once divorced rather than having a somewhat clean slate? Obviously that's your own personal decision but if I were in your situation I'd get an annulment. If your husband has the attitude of "do whatever you want regarding divorcing me" then he clearly doesn't care for you as he should and your marriage has lost its integrity. I'm not sure marriage counseling could do much.

[rocio]

He did tell me that he knows we have it better than other couples. I asked how and he said that he knows people who cheat on each other and brag about it. I told him that doesn't make a difference, and he said it does because he's actually sorry for what he did.

 

You are letting him rob you of your common sense. Don't even participate in this kind of discussion. It's such warped thinking.

 

He's telling himself, "yeah, I did something that wasn't ideal but hey - I'm better than the next guy. At least I didn't..." So it's okay to cheat on someone, as long as you pretend to be sorry and don't brag about it? You're losing a part of yourself every time you let him engage you in this kind of conversation.

 

When you're married to someone, you enter a bubble with them. Just the two of you inside this bubble and everyone else is on the outside. Being stuck in that bubble with someone who has this kind of warped thinking will honestly have you thinking you've gone mad before long.

 

By the way, I'm not judging you. I have some idea how you feel. 4 years ago I was posting on here about an upcoming wedding and everyone was advising me not to go through with it. I did go through with it and am still married. Sometimes it's easier to give advice than to take it.

[Cilantro]

cilantro - i think that you and your husband HAVE to make marriage counseling a priority if this relationship is going to work. you can't sweep this under the rug. he's going to have to provide a better explanation than "i messed up." from your previous thread, you said you two had sex once or twice a week. maybe he needs it more frequently?? i bet that the raunchy texts and emails were a source of excitement for him - do you do the same for him? strip tease, dress up, play games, etc....? not blaming you, but maybe he needs more 'spice' to stay faithful?? of course, i don't know, i'm not in his head, but you two have to talk really honestly about what is missing in the relationship.

At this point, I don't feel I should put any work toward satisfying his sexual needs. looking at the cell phone records, id notice that he'd be talking with her a day after we had sex. So to me, its not a matter of my sex isn't good enough. He wants what he wants and no matter what I do and how often I do it, it wont be good enough for him.

[Cilantro]

Why are you so opposed to an annulment? You married this man under false pretenses...why would you want to be seen as once divorced rather than having a somewhat clean slate? Obviously that's your own personal decision but if I were in your situation I'd get an annulment. If your husband has the attitude of "do whatever you want regarding divorcing me" then he clearly doesn't care for you as he should and your marriage has lost its integrity. I'm not sure marriage counseling could do much.

 

I'm against it because in my own mind, for me personally id always know I was married and had a husband. There's no changing that. "I was once a married woman." That would be in my mind no matter what.

[Cilantro]

May I ask why you didn't know if you should go through with it? How is your marriage now?

 

Thank you for your words and support.

[annie24]

You are letting him rob you of your common sense. Don't even participate in this kind of discussion. It's such warped thinking.

 

He's telling himself, "yeah, I did something that wasn't ideal but hey - I'm better than the next guy. At least I didn't..." So it's okay to cheat on someone, as long as you pretend to be sorry and don't brag about it? You're losing a part of yourself every time you let him engage you in this kind of conversation.

 

When you're married to someone, you enter a bubble with them. Just the two of you inside this bubble and everyone else is on the outside. Being stuck in that bubble with someone who has this kind of warped thinking will honestly have you thinking you've gone mad before long.

 

 

I agree - I meant to comment on this yesterday. Very warped and just plain wrong!! Like you've said before cilantro, this is supposed to be the happiest time in your life. most people get married and there is a 'honeymoon period.' you've entered the marriage on a rocky start. not sure how that makes you and him 'better' than most couples. i think it makes things the worst. he only admits what you have proof of. how do you know there isn't more?? what has he done to convince you there will never be another instance like this again?

[Cilantro]

I feel like I find out more every day. Last night I was looking at the phone records and saw another phone number in there frequently that he was texting with. The texts were daily and went on throughout the day, just like with the other girl. I asked who's number that was and he told me another ex of his. So it wasn't just one girl. He said those texts were only ever friendly but he didn't tell me about them and kept them from me because he knew I didnt like this girl because she'd send him things like I miss you, I haven't seen you in a while, etc. That's crossing boundaries to me because you don't tell another girl's man those things if you two have a history. I asked him why he hid them if they were just friendly and his reason was that he's always had a problem letting go and theyve alwdays been good friends.

 

I ended up emailing her last night asking her to tell me what went on with them and she told me the same he told me. I asked her what sorts of pictures he would send her (the cell phone records show he sent her pictures) and she told me it was pictures of her old house when he'd drive by it. That's what he told me too so I'm choosing to believe that.

 

I'm so stupid for marrying him. I never would've expected this from him.

[annie24]

So what does marriage mean to him??

[rocio]

May I ask why you didn't know if you should go through with it? How is your marriage now?

 

It's been an interesting four years. But I guess only time will tell how things turn out.

[Cilantro]

I asked him what a husband is supposed to be in his mind and he said "not me." I asked him to be specific and he said a husband should be honest, faithful, a partner, a provider and a protector. He said so far he's a crappy husband because he hasn't done any of those.

[Cilantro]

It's been an interesting four years. But I guess only time will tell how things turn out.

Why were you considering not going through with it?

[annie24]

I asked him what a husband is supposed to be in his mind and he said "not me." I asked him to be specific and he said a husband should be honest, faithful, a partner, a provider and a protector. He said so far he's a crappy husband because he hasn't done any of those.

 

And then the next question is...... does he want to stay married to you?

[Cilantro]

He says he does. But for what reason I don't know. It probably isn't any fun having a wife go behind you trying to catch you in more lies and not trust you.

[-Sanguine-]

Please leave this man. I know that none of us here are going to be able to get through to you - it's YOU that has to make the decision. I used to be in a relationship where I was unhappy. I kept sticking around waiting for him to change.. yeah, it wasn't going to happen. You will be MUCH better of if you just get away from him. Even if you two worked everything out (which would be a miracle because he can't stop talking to other women..), you will probably ALWAYS have those nagging feelings of distrust.

 

I realize that you won't listen to any of us until you're ready. I was the same way. I made posts on here and got advice, but I never took any of it until it was too late and everything was so bad that I had no choice but to leave him. Don't get in any deeper. Please try to think about this rationally. Your gut is telling you things aren't going to get better. Trust it. It doesn't lie.

[Miss Firecracker]

He says he does. But for what reason I don't know.

 

He's thrilled to find a woman that will allow him to do this.

[ToF]

He's thrilled to find a woman that will allow him to do this.

 

Ditto on this. This will continue for as long as you let it.