SA's Healing Journal

[22n32]

ive got a friend like that.. its so nice too go over there and see how normal everything is, and his wife makes the best dinners, salad, fresh bread and dessert.. its amazing.. my ex never did that.. another reason she sucked.. and it is so nice and peacefull over there..

[SA2000]

The weather is perfect here. I'm debating on going out or staying in. I could go for a drink. Just one though. I haven't heard from "S" all day. I think she's trying to hold out to see if I'll text first. For some reason the fact that I'm not going to makes me feel somewhat guilty.

 

Lately I've been thinking about what life would be like if I never get married and am single for life which would be by choice. Although I hope to find someone who completes me I am embracing those thoughts. I am starting to really enjoy the solitude and the fact that I'm only responsible for my own happiness. I understand that these are selfish thoughts but if you are going to be selfish isn't it best to do it alone? Being by yourself and completely happy is a great feeling.

[gallop30]

being happy is a great feeling ,and being able to achieve that with yourself is great ,but sharing that with someone is better

[SA2000]

Agreed but when you cross over into a territory where your happiness starts to be directly associated with that person you are risking your happiness. Personally that trade off may no longer be worth it.

[gallop30]

well that's our fault for letting that happen,we let ourselves be held responsible for the others happiness instead of letting the other person understand that they are the ones who need to find happiness within.

 

we always think our joy and positive lifestyle will be enough to compensate for 2 lives,no no no,not for the long haul.

 

2 happiness's for 2 people > 1 happiness for 2 people

[SA2000]

I'll agree with you there that we have to be solely responsible for our own well being but it gets difficult when someone else starts to depend on you for their happiness. Then if you have a bad few days or month they are no longer happy. Which in turn brings you down. But if you are only reponsible for your own happiness then you don't have to concern yourself with the burden of trying to keep someone else happy. Maybe I just have that loner mentality.

[SA2000]

To go out or not to go out. That is the question.

[SA2000]

Stayed in tonight. No one was really doing anything and I went out last night so I figure why force it ya know? "S" offered a quiet night at her house but I wasn't really feeling that. I need to replace her with a serious candidate in the next few months. She's a cool chuck but I would like to start dating someone I'm really in to.

[MakeItCount]

As you should my friend. Just let the girl down easy, sounds like she's really into you.

[SA2000]

Although I am most definitely not over the ex the sigle life is really starting to bore me. I think I need to add sone new ladies to the mix. It's nice not having expectations or what not but if I'm going to be single I might as well make the most of it right?

 

I was having a rough day today. Not sure why but I wasn't feeling great. Now I'm out and feel alot better. The future is bright. I need to appreciate the life I have.

[thekid55]

I feel you man. I just got home from being out. I didn't try to approach any girls tonight because I'm still a little hung up on my ex. You know, you miss the good times together. You think about what you had, how comfortable it felt, etc. We both don't have that anymore and it sucks. You know? We got so accustomed to something that basically just faded away over time. I'd honestly do anything now to show her that I've changed for the better, but sometimes, that's just not enough. We both gotta work on ourselves and see what happens going forward.

[gallop30]

it's what i was thinking all the time

[SA2000]

I am starting to feel as though this is/was for the best. I am maturing at a faster rate then I have in years. I'll go from missing the ex (usually when I'm hungover for some reason) to thinking about the future and planning out where I'd like to go in life which doesn't include her. I feel as though I am just now entering the acceptance stage.

 

I was out last night and one of our mutual friends was saying that we need to get back together and what not. I then thought about it today in more length (and sober) and realized that Im not rally ready for that just yet. Given the opportunity I don't think I'm in a position where I'd be comfortable in any relationship. There are things I'd like to do before I put myself back in that position.

 

When the ex and I would talk about planning our wedding I'd always freak out and start a fight. I realize now that I was pushing her away because I needed to mature a little more. That mentally I wasn't ready to be who I needed to be. I wasn't ready to be the foundation and corner stone of a family. As I grow through this all I am starting to set new goals for myself. I feel as though once I reach those goals I will be able to enter into a new relationship and be that foundation I need to be. The rock. I still have growing to do but I'm getting there a whole lot faster now. I'm starting to become myself more.

 

As I go through this I see that maybe the ex wasn't the best person for me. Once I get comfortable again I'll find that person no doubt. But for now I need to spend all of my time working on being the best me I can be without worrying about anyone else.

[MakeItCount]

That's all you can do brother. I agree with both you and kid, that whole comfort thing, having someone there to share our lives with...that's what's important. Faithful said in kid's thread, that there's not many of him (imo, US) left. Guys who get bored of the single life, and just wanna settle with a person that we can love and who can love us back. Guys who treat their girls right, who can be truly trusted and respected. We are GEMS, guys. Our exes may be in la la land with whatever fling they are with, but I promise you, they still think about how well we treated them, how amazing we were. When they realize this all depends on how fast they mature, or how fast they get burned.

 

Just trust in who WE are, OUR values, OUR way of interpreting what life is about, what relationships are about. Nothing can take away our values and our attitude towards life. Stick to it, and we all WILL find happiness, one way or another.

 

Alright, I'm going to stop drunkenly rambling now. Stay strong ladies.

[thekid55]

You're right. Acceptance is a huge part of the journey. Realizing that this whole process is just making us better for the long run. We may hate it or try to fight in the short term, but there's something better for us out there. We just haven't realized/found it yet.

 

I feel you on the whole 'growing up' aspect of things. There's a lot of things that I still need to experience before I get involved in another relationship. I want to date around a lot and just make myself better with women in general. I want to travel, meet new people, start my career, etc. I'm in more of a transition period with my life and I'm taking it in stride.

 

Good points too, MIC. When we ready and have found that one special lady again, it'll be easy to love her because she'll be more than willing to reciprocate it.

[SA2000]

I have been going back and forth a lot on my feelings about this all as of late. Some days I feel as thought the split was for the best and some days I feel like maybe I should have put up more of a fight. Maybe I just let someone important walk out of my life and now its too late. Oh well. You can only move in one direction. You live and learn. I know that I will be a whole lot happier at this time next year regardless of what happens.

 

One of the main reasons I am not yet in a much happier place is that I am still living at my buddy's house. My room is not very big and not nearly as comfortable as the house I lived in with the ex. I am not yet ready to move into my own apartment but will be in the next few months. Thats when the final stages of healing will come. Now I live in a place I really dont like which also happens to be the place I first went to when we started splitting up. Something about that house triggers my sub conscious and keeps me in a dark place. Getting out of there will be a great new chapter.

 

I have been crashing at "S"'s a lot lately and that is just because I dont like my house. I already have a nice car, furniture, a huge TV and every thing I would need. Now I need a place where I feel at home. I guess this is why you dont move in with someone until you are married. It puts stress on the relationship and leaves you in a confusing place when you split up. Living alone will be great and will help my confidence big time. That is the one thing I am REALLY looking forward too.

 

Is anyone else somewhat stuck in a certain spot in the healing process due to something that is a consistant reminder? I know that you dont just get over 5 years in 6 months but I am ready to start taking the major steps to walking away. Maybe dating someone I am actually interested in would help. I feel like I cant do that though until I am more happy in my surroundings. Having goals such as this will be what drives me forward. Its what has gotten me to this point and what will keep me going. Maybe the fact that I havent been in the gym in 2 days is whats causing all of this confusion. I know I will feel a whole lot better once I work out tonight. I am going to try to spend as little time at "home" as possible. Just have to keep moving forward.

[22n32]

I'll tell u when i hear u say u should of put up more of a fight.. its what i did, i went to her with reason and logic and why we were great and in love.. and really all it did was prob push her away even more. from reading ur threads u did the right thing, u were there and u showed her u cared..

 

but we all know ladies run off of emotions.. and this is what she wants to do right now.. doesnt mean she doesnt think ur the one.. i think she is playing it out and she is waiting for something in her to click that u were the guy for her, this could be 6months or another 5yrs..

 

but clearly she cares and loves u. but its a journey she wants to take, and no matter how much we fight it wont have them come back, if anything the fighting for her will just make her realize that ur trying to take that experince away from her and she will just want it even more..

 

its about moving on now.. and everything will fall into place.. i know easier said then done.. but its what im having to do..

[SA2000]

I'm just thinking back to an argument we had where she saud I never fought for her. I was like WhTF? First off I shouldn't have to. Second off it's not productive. Then when you'll be breaking up with me all if the time! I'm not gonna be that dude. Some times I think what if but that's like giving a dog a milk bone after he takes a fat dump on your carpet. So after the second or third break up I was like screw it.

 

I asked her a few times if she wanted to get back together after that but I deflnately wasn't doing any fighting. I worry that no one will take her place sometimes but I know that that's not the case. There will be others and shell become a distant memory. I just need to keep doing what's right for me and I'll be just fine. The sadness and sympathy fest is over. It's time to get back to life.

[gallop30]

you know those were just the little test women do to men,it's their weird way of checking how much you care/love them. they never made any sense to me ,but it's the truth.

 

my ex also told me one time that she's doing this little tests to see how i react,to see if chicken out or if i still have my confidence and can handle it like a man. how stupid is that? and i even asked her why in the world is this necessary,and she couldn't answer.

 

if you won't pass a certain amount of tests,you fail and they'll break up,and you're left wondering wth is going on,thinking if it's all your fault or if you're fked up in the head.

[SA2000]

Yeah I know what you mean Gallop. I usually date really hot girls by ignoring their stupid games. When they say they are busy ar whatever I say "Ok". That's it. Done. I know what's my confidence is fully restored I'll have the puck of the litter again like I usually do. Just gotta get back there.

[gallop30]

and i agree 100% with you on the place you live. if it gives you a negative energy it's always bad going back there.

you need to find your own place that's for sure,especially since you start noticing its effects on your emotions.

[SA2000]

Just left the gym and feeling great. I need to cut some more fat to get this six pack to really pop but I'm starting to really get into good shape again. Once I get this next promotion and move I'll honestly be content. Thats a good starting point to get to a point where I'm the happiest I've ever been. When I look my best I feel my best. It's always been that way. I'm almost ready to honestly completely let go.

[Calblee]

Just left the gym and feeling great. I need to cut some more fat to get this six pack to really pop but I'm starting to really get into good shape again. Once I get this next promotion and move I'll honestly be content. Thats a good starting point to get to a point where I'm the happiest I've ever been. When I look my best I feel my best. It's always been that way. I'm almost ready to honestly completely let go.

 

you are making me jealous bro.

 

a 6 pack

 

and a promotion

 

wow.

[SA2000]

I am starting to wonder where I would be had the ex and I not broken up. Would I have gone for the promotion I got? Would I have quit the bar? Would we have moved into another place together or extended our lease above our crazy landlord who we couldnt stand? I know none of this matters now but it helps me realize how this change was needed.

 

Changing positions at work has helped me immensely. Not only is it helping me with direction in my life but its also a much better fit and more challenging for me. I think part of the reason the ex and I got to where we ended up is because we werent happy in other aspects of our lives. Once I have all other aspects settled (which is not too far off at this point) I will be in a better place. Also while we were together I was working out like twice a week if that. There were times where I would go like a month without hitting the gym. Now I go three days tops without going. I look better, feel better, and think clearer. Good things are in the near future for me. Had we not split up I may not have been able to realize these goals. I can honestly say that this has improved me personally.

[MakeItCount]

THat's the most important thing man, is to learn from every break up. Any motivation is good motivation. I do believe that people enter our lives for a reason, it's up to us to figure it out though. We can sit around and mope, or we can use it to get better as people. Seems like everything's coming together for you man. I think you'll be in a good place soon where you'll realize how lucky any girl is to be with you. And they'll realize that too. Sounds like you already has "S" in that position. Too bad you aren't feeling it, but that's how it goes.