SA's Healing Journal

[Philos]

Hahaa, "someday I'll realize". Thanks for your almighty wisdom. This dude has been busting his ass at the gym, getting promotions, and casually seeing a girl. He's doing a good job on his own to move on at his own pace. What do you want him to do? He's single, and is having fun. People go overboard once in a while, so what? It's not like he's unemployed, banging 50 girls and snorting crack.

 

Seriously, read the thread before you post.

 

I see my point was lost on you.

[MakeItCount]

I see my point was lost on you.

 

I'm not going to cut someone down for having some fun. People need to unwind. And I see you STILL haven't read the read.

[22n32]

Let SA have his fun.. pulling on his girls hair is fun.. and phones are replacable...

 

we all do things diff, its his way to cope and discover and learn... SA2000 is a better man then i.. i would be pulling on 2 girls hair that i just meet the same night...

 

were not here to judge but to share..

[SA2000]

Well someone found my phone so I guess that makes me more mature? Let me explain what I am doing and why. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I lost the person I loved the most in life who was also my best friend. I will never replace her and will be scarred for life. That is a fact. I was out having a few drinks when I ran into her and her new guy which led to me getting very drunk to cope with the pain that comes along with such a thing. I realize now that I cant be friends with her although I honestly thought I could. She was my fiance. Losing the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life is hard and no amount of working out or success is going to replace that.

 

As far as growing up is concerned, yes I am 31. I also have a degree and work for a large financial institution in finance. I am "grown up" all day at work. When I come home I let loose a little. On the weekends I drink sometimes. When something like this happens I over do it. But this doesn't happen often.

 

As far as progress is concerned I am realizing that although I feel as though I am healing nicely I may not be. I am only avoiding the pain. I am trying to hold out until it goes away. I don't know if it ever will though. I don't know if I will ever love again like I did with her. I don't understand why we are here or how we got here. Things have been going fairly well in my life outside of the ex but I cant appreciate it because I have a huge hole in my heart. There is a void that no other person can fill. And on top of it I feel as though I don't know if I can ever love again. I don't know if I can let myself open up like that again. Thats hard to face. So yeah. I am going to get really drunk sometimes. You better believe though that I am going to be a better man then 99% of the people out here 6 days a week though.

[faithful14]

I don't see anything wrong with having a drink and letting loose every now and then. Breakups are hard, especially when you love the person and was planning to spend your life with them.

 

It's nice to know that some guys really do appreciate what they have in someone.

 

SA, I don't know you that well, but I think you are handling things great so far. Just go at your own pace and let yourself heal in time. You will make a great husband to a wonderful woman someday-whether it be your ex or someone else.

 

Hang in there, you're not alone.

[SA2000]

Thanks Faithful. I needed that. I am really down about this all. I just don't see how someone can love you as much as she loved me and then move on so quickly. Maybe I am jealous that I haven't moved on as well. I know there will be ups and downs and the ups will out weigh the downs with time but I hate the what ifs. I have been trying to think of all of the negatives all day to help me feel better about this all. Although I am much more healed now then I have ever been in the past I still feel as though something is missing. A part of me is gone. My history is her history and that is hard to give up. She apparently was not the one for me and maybe some day I will realize that.

 

So now I feel as though I have been set back. Not all the way back but its definitely a set back. I think I might seek out a counselor to make sure I don't just bury this and fully let go. Its like a part of me still refuses to believe its really over. I think a part of her feels the same way based on our conversations over the past few months but this puts the lid on it. Case closed. GOIP is right. Let it go. No happy ending here folks.

 

I hope this makes me a better man someday.

[MakeItCount]

Haha, faithful and I were talking about the what ifs, and trying to keep thinking of the negatives. Some days it's better, some days it's worse. But like you said, one day the bad will outweigh the good and we'll be fully healed and ready to have someone in our lives who appreciates us for all that we are. You're a good guy SA, keep pushing through.

[hulk7280]

that right there will keep you back for a long time bro, you just gotta let that hope go and let her go.. and instead of hoping she is the one for you, start putting your hope in that there is someone better out their for you and this break up was your chance to find it ..

[thekid55]

SA- You have a lot of people rooting for you here. I'm sure that goes twice over at home. You been through hell and back with this relationship and I can only imagine how you felt that last night. Losing the person who means the most to you is truly a life-defining event. It changes us, whether we want it to or not. Clearly, both of us have changed big time after it. Yeah, it's cool to have some of these chicks chase us, but it's only a temporary relief/distraction from the demons of the past. We've both made some huge strides since the jump five/six months ago and that's definitely commendable.

 

It would have been mad easy for you to look like a huge jerk and make a scene in that bar last night, but you took the high road and we all gotta give you props for that. Gotta remember though. At the end of the day, you are still human.

[gallop30]

hey SA,i see where you're coming from and it makes sense,we all have feeling and can't just shut them down like a robot. fk ,you don't have to explain yourself for being "immature" at 31. i bet almost everybody would have done the same thing in your situation,myself at least.anybody else?

 

i know for a fact that you could have 100 women ,and even if you saw he with only 1 man you'll still be pissed.

 

it's just the huge scorpio ego we have ,i know that(i'm the same way,you,hulk,live and some others). i'm not trying to talk about scorpio this and that,and it's not i believe in signs ,but from all my friends who are scorpios i see the same selfish egocentric behavior. we want everybody to like us,all girls to fk us,and so on.

 

even if i broke up with my ex of 7 years,cheated on her many many times,and now she has some moron bf,i still get somehow upset,it bothers me. doesn't make any sense and it's not right but our EGO is HUGE,and not easy to deal with sometimes. i'm sure Hulk can agree on that.

 

there's one more thing that bothers me,is that i know my ex isn't happy with the "cool" guy she hooked up with(some common friend told me,not that i asked),and she did it to try and get over me because she thought i'm over her since my strict NC of 4 months .she even told me that. it's not i want her back,but i don't wanna remember dating an idiot.

 

same like you think about your ex,she maybe did it for other reasons,not that it's your business or you should care.

 

i would also lie if i would say i didn't care about my ex well being, * * * * we were together 7 years with many ups and downs. i wish i could hold her tight and shake her a little bit to wake up and see she needs other things then a new boyfriend to "fix" herself.

you know what i mean?

[hulk7280]

amen to that brother..

 

my EX has been from relationship to relationship since she was like 16.. she is 24 now and is divorced and has a kid... its not that i want to be back with her, but the last thing she needs in her life right now is a new "love" to ease her pain..

 

sometimes people have a hard time being happy alone, but if you cant be happy by yourself how are you going to be happy in a relationship with someone else because you NEED them to be happy, not because you WANT to be with them..

[GotMyLifeBack]

Beautifully, brutally honest. Thanks. I feel exactly the same.

[faithful14]

Haha, faithful and I were talking about the what ifs, and trying to keep thinking of the negatives. Some days it's better, some days it's worse. But like you said, one day the bad will outweigh the good and we'll be fully healed and ready to have someone in our lives who appreciates us for all that we are. You're a good guy SA, keep pushing through.

 

I think we said that you can always distract yourself with all the negatives of the relationship, but it lasts such a short time till you start remembering the good times again. blah, i hate that.

[diamond78]

This is probably the most honest you have been to yourself in this whole thread.

 

Please remind me again why you and the Ex broke up? I ask simply because I can tell there is still alot of love for each other and wondering what it's going to take for you two to get your heads out of your *****?!

 

Oh, and please cute S loose. You are 100% stringing her along even though that may not be your intentions....but your thoughts and actions clearly show that you are. I can tell that you are a good guy, but the S situation isn't good at all.

 

And I understand how overwhelming it can feel to lose someone who you believed would be in your life for the long haul...together...And to just lose that person and try to deal with the realization that they are gone permanently...Well, It's heavy stuff.

 

I also am currently dealing with a recent breakup and to try to go through life without that partner that you had grown accustom to for so many years...well....it sucks.

 

But you're hanging in there pretty well...This road is never easy.

[hulk7280]

i have to be honest with all these people saying your leading "S" on and what not..

 

its not like he talks to her everyday.. he says he goes days with not talking to her.. so i dont think he is leading her on at all.. if someone is intrested in you and your dating then they will usually keep in contact with you.. if not then they should be smart enough to take the hint that its a casual relationship..

 

i had a girl like that.. went on two dates with her and decided i really didnt like her that much and didnt want to go out with her.. but how do you tell someone that right??? so i just stopped texting and her stuff.. but she would always text me asking me to hang out and such and i always was really nice making up excuses not too etc.. and in the back of my mind im like does she really not get it???

 

all women need to watch that movie "he just not that into you" . because if a guy really likes you, he will call, he will text, he will want to see you.. bottom line.. if a guy isnt doing that, then he just isnt that into you!

[Oneironaut]

I can see where Philos is coming from, based on those few posts, but I joined this site about a month after you, SA, and so I've been following your story on and off since then. Yes, you went a little overboard the other night...big deal. We all do it sometimes. I wouldn't recommend doing that sort of thing frequently, but, you have a lot of common sense and an obviously good head on your shoulders, so, I very much doubt you will.

 

We all deal with our pain in different ways. You're dealing with yours quite well, in my opinion. And yes, there are a number of us rooting for you. Just a matter of time now before someone comes into your life that causes you to look back at her and say, "What was I thinking...?"

[diamond78]

And you just illustrated the major difference between your situation and SA's. After a couple dates, you knew this girl wasn't it for you, so you avoided ever seeing her anymore.

 

SA actively sees her though. He goes over for these dinner dates and he will post here saying he doesn't want to see her....and the next thing you know there's a post about how he ended up at her place, but doesn't know how he got there. He has spent the night over at her place a good bit now.

 

It's clear that she is really into him and he knows this. He's not really into her so the right thing to do would be to cut her loose, and spend this kind of time with someone he does see some potential with....OR he should have the convo about this being strictly casual and that it will never be anything more with S. That way if S decides to continue on in this situation, then it's all on her. SA oftentimes assumes that she must know the deal, but I'm not so sure that she does which is why a conversation with her may be in order here.

 

When a girl really likes a guy, oftentimes they will take/settle for crumbs just so she can think she has a a real chance....and SA is giving this girl more than crumbs. As it looks right now, once this thing finally goes away, the only person who will really care that it ended is S, so that should give you a good idea of how this whole thing should be nipped in the bud soon.

 

I have been following SA's journey since the very beginning and I know that S is just a distraction for what he is dealing with....but it's also not cool/fun to be considered the distraction. It's only fair to look at the situation from both sides of the coin.

[SA2000]

I appreciate your comments Diamond. I don't know where things will head with "S". Sometimes I feel as though I should just date her seriously but my head is not there. I really want to move on. I really want to let go. I really want to put the ex in the rear view but a part of me thinks the only real way to do that is to move to another state. Miles away from her. "S" is helping me get through this because she appreciates spending time with me. My ex left and immediately started dating someone else. My ego took a big hit there. But having "S" in my life to appreciate me has made that blow a little softer.

 

Honestly Diamond I agree with you. The ex and I do love each other a lot. Thats the problem. We wont allow ourselves to move on because there is still so much love there. We both are dating other people but I think at the end of the day we both feel as though we are supposed to be together. I am trying to turn the page though. I am trying to let go and not think like that. Its funny because everyone else can see it but her. And the fact that she has been in contact with me pretty much the whole time shows that she isn't ready to just walk away. But this is all on her. I am ready for what ever direction life goes. She is the one who is lost.

 

I was talking to my mother yesterday and she said that I need to be the one to end contact with the ex. I need to say "Look, I cant talk to you anymore. Please stop reaching out. Its not helping." but its hard for me to do. If she calls I answer simple as that. When I love I love deep and don't just let go. I have had the same group of friends since I was like 5 years old. When I make a close friend its for life. Thats the hardest part. Letting that go.

 

But I am realizing that it is time. It is time to move on and let it go. There are things I want to do in life and I need to start doing them. I don't know what will happen with "S" but I know what I need in life. Its time to man up and face this head on. I am a stronger person from going through this. Things will get better.

[GetOverItPlz]

Homie-

 

A big heart can lead to big hurt. But never let go of that big heart. That's what makes us human. And I can totally relate how hard it is to just walk away, and let go. It's damn near impossible. Luckily, my ex DOES live like... 3, 4 states away, so it's a bit easier for me. And clearly, it's a bit easier for her (did I tell you she erased my fan page?! OUCH! lol).

 

The fact of the matter is, you are a good guy. Simple and plain. You are attractive (no homo), smart, and motivated. You can reach people with your charisma and your talents and charms. But it's hard when the ONE woman that you want more than anything in this world, doesn't want you.

 

But here's the thing, and this is the real secret- nothing is set in stone. You both love each other. You both still care about one another. And guess what? That may never go away. Homie, you can LOVE someone and not be with them. It's okay. There are plenty of people that feel that away. My mom will tell you today that she loves my father but they could never be together ever again. But she'll never stop loving him.

 

Another point to make is sometimes people just meet at the wrong juncture. I believe that me and my ex may have truly been right people, wrong time. And that happens. And sometimes it sucks because it never comes back around. But maybe, just maybe, if time is kind to your love and you guys get another chance, it can be done RIGHT. And it happens, it really does. The key is to let go of that hope, let go of that dream... and live every day with a new outlook and a new yearning to be better FOR YOURSELF.

 

If she takes to you again, great. But true reconciliation cannot occur until both people are moved on and new people. If you still have that spark, that is the time to strike! Until then, you have to live your own life with the assumption it will never happen.

 

Is ya boy makin' sense?

[SA2000]

Yeah GOIP that does make a lot of sense. I have a new outlook today. I feel as though I am finally starting to really let go. Before I would read into all of her mixed messages but now I am starting to look onward without her. I felt like I wasn't just waiting around for her to come back today. I know it takes time to heal and I am willing to take that time. I just have to let go with a smile. We had some great times together. But life goes on. It has to.

[HeartBeat]

@GetOverITPlz : I have to visit yor healing powers more!

[SA2000]

This last weekend was a long one. I basically was out and drinking every night. At one point I lost my phone and no one was able to reach me for a few days. I just got it back today. I realize after that bender that its time to take a little break and let the real healing start. I think I am starting to move into the acceptance phase which is a rough one.

 

When I checked my phone this morning I had a ton of missed calls and texts. One was from my ex on Saturday night at around 3 a.m. I am almost glad that I wasnt able to answer this call. I am tired of going in circles with her.

 

As far as acceptance goes I am starting to realize that maybe this is for the best. I needed change in my life and need to continue to grow. I am far from where I was a year or two ago and need to continue to progress as an individual. This is a process of renewal. I will get through this and look back and think wow, that was a tough time in life but I made it through. Now its time to work towards the future instead of dwelling in the past.

[GetOverItPlz]

Amen, brotha. I can beat the drum again about how life is never set in stone, and how giving up hope towards a person, and giving up on a person entirely are totally different things... like you said, once you love someone, you LOVE them, and that's a great quality to have. You never want to be a fake when it comes to love, and it's good that you (Hopefully) still wish her well and wish her the best even if the best isn't you. But once you can stop holding out hope for a person, and just let them BE... and more importantly, just let yourself BE.... and to work towards a better life for yourself... sometimes it can see those roads re-converge. But the point is, you aren't worried about if they do or not. That is the key- to no longer concern yourself if it's HER that makes you happy ultimately, or someone new and possibly better. You find happiness on your own path, whether it be her or not. This, right now, IS for the best... and it IS what you need to face to make your life what it can be.

 

Every day I'm happy I wake up healthy, all my limbs in tact, with a job, etc. Find the little joys in life until the bigger ones fall back into place.

[SA2000]

Great post. I was just thinking the same thing. I'm trying way too hard and not doing nearly enough appreciating. I've never been one to stay down for long because I knew how to let go. Somewhere along the way I lost that but it's starting to come back. That relaxation. That understanding of the fact that life is and will be just fine. I think half of my problems come from boredom and the other half come from thinking too much. But time is doing its work. I realize I can love someone from a far. And also that loving me is the most important part. And living me is easy.

[GetOverItPlz]

The three C's my friend: Cool, Calm, and Collected. Cooler heads prevail. I'll tell you what- when I stopped being so concerned with what my ex was doing, what she was thinking about me, why she hasn't called, etc. and just concentrated on the things in my daily life that I just got happiness out of- my music, working out, sparring, interactions with customers I enjoy at work, a sly look from a cute female, etc.- everything started to become clear. You absolutely, positively can love someone and not be with them. In fact, I would wager that at least 90% of people on this earth still love someone that they aren't with. It's perfectly normal. I think people mistake loving someone with wanting to be with them. They are not necessarily tied together. Like I said elsewhere, my mom will attest to loving my dad right now today, but she could never in a million years be with him. And this was almost 20 years ago now that they broke up.

 

Love and be kind to yourself above all else. At the end of the day, anything can take anybody away from us. Life is sucha damn crapshoot. A customer I help all the time, his wife is now a quadrapalegic after a near fatal car accident that left him and his daughter in fine condition. How do you deal with that on a daily basis? How do you think that affects him every day? And I feel bad for the daughter, because they were going down to a college she was interested in to see about it, and I know that weighs on her mind.

 

Every day, if it's not heartbreak that takes love from us, it could be a drunk driver. Or a stray bullet. In a lot of ways, we got lucky. I would NEVER wish harm on my ex, and I'm sure you wouldn't, either. I'm glad she's alive and relatively okay. We got a chance to pick up the pieces and move on. So many do not. Never forget that.