HeartBeat

I am sorry.

Maybe I didn't love you. I thought I did. I keep putting myself down because I know I was wrong. In the beginning I was stronger to let you go...have your life. But you wouldn't let me. You cared about me more than anyone I knew. But there were times when I didn't want to be forced. You may have been right but I wasn't ready to learn it...and I certainly dont handle my situations as you do. God I miss you. I feel like I messed up so bad. I get so confused that I am in a manipulative mind game though and know I cannot contact you. When I had tried you didn't care. Doesn't that say something?

I am sorry I couldnt love you the way you needed it. I do not deserve you.

I feel so used. You knew I ran back to you, so you said lets go out and have a good time. You took advantage of me. You used my feelings for your selfishness. I am not playing yo yo with you when I say I love and I hate you or good bye but come right back THAT day. Because I get crushed. And don't want to feel hurt. I am emotional. I don't think before I act. But it seems my heart got me into trouble. Now you don't have time for me. I feel like I ruined everything again. I don't know if I am blaming myself or really am holding on for another reason. If we were just on the same page. I want to feel what it was like before. It was hard to move so fast with our history. And when I get to the point of opening up...I'm the reason why you don't want me? ... how come I can't just be on your mind as much as you are on mine? Why don't you go crazy over loosing me too? God, you just don't care do you??!!!

Are you lying to me? Are you playing games? You say you love me then you do all these things that point to you really don't. Or is the love you have for me a different kind? Either way, here i am only tring to understand and you just get mad when I ask questions. Well, maybe if I didn't have to ask questions things would be okay. And since I have to ask so much they for sure are not okay. And you jut getting mad at me about it just makes me sad. Why should I be sad? Especially when you are out and have no problems living your day..talking to the bimbo in the next store who blantly came over to make it known she was in your life. How dumb am I? I keep putting myself down and coming up with all these explanations for you. I feel bad when I go out and do my thing just because I care so much about you. What is your deal? WHy wont you share your feelings with me? Are you hiding something that will hurt me or playing games? Hurt me then! For goodness sake it wont last as long as this! The last time I let you go, you never came back. Here I am again. Feeling like a fool.