Unknown1607307972 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I probably won't get married, but if I did the only thing I see myself doing on a lesser scale is asking all women who are wearing skirts/dresses to wear ones that are no shorter than knee length...just because I would appreciate people sticking to the formal dress code as it isn't a night club. I don't think that is being spoilt, it's a very small requirement. Other than that, they could wear their hair how they want, eyebrows how they want, and my boyfriend could invite whoever he wants as long as it isn't somebody he knows I hate (and vice-versa with who I invite). The OP doesn't have to invite his sister if he really doesn't get on with her. There's one thing not wanting to be a control freak about your wedding, but another is that the bride and groom should enjoy their day and having someone they really dislike there could cast a shadow over it. When I was with my ex boyfriend he used to talk about getting married in the future and all I could think of was how much I would dread it due to the fact that his parents and sister *hated* me deeply. I wouldn't want them there, they constantly said horrible things behind my back so I'd be constantly paranoid and scared about what they were saying about me for the whole day! It wouldn't be a problem for me now, my current boyfriend has a lovely family and if we ever got married I'd be happy to have them there. With my ex, I don't think me not wanting them there would have been me being spoilt...it'd be me not wanting to spend my whole wedding day on edge and worrying about what they're saying about me and my family. I guess I probably would have suggested eloping or something! While b****ing to extreme detail about what your guests wear, expecting your wedding party to spend a ton of money on things they can't afford, not inviting someone who is "too pretty", etc is spoilt...inviting someone you dislike, even if they are a relative, shouldn't be a *must* if you ask me. They're paying for their wedding, they should be able to enjoy it! Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I honestly feel people give family a free pass far to often. Yes this is his sister. Is she a good person? Does she show him love, respect, and kindness? In the OP's opinion no she doesn't. Why does she get a free pass simple because she is related to him? That is holding her to a lesser standard than a stranger on the street. Link to comment
rustyschackelf Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Why does she get a free pass simple because she is related to him? Thats always how it has been in my family, my sister gets a free pass for EVERYTHING, and I won't go into the 20+ years of bullcrap and just overall problem-causing my sister has pulled throughout her life, but trust me the only person who has gotten away with more crap than my sister is OJ Simpson. But thank you again to everyone for your thoughts, it has given me alot to think about. I'm still very torn and haven't made a decision either way. On the one hand: I'm still thinking that she is somebody who I have never gotten along with and never will get along with and who will never be part of the life that my future wife and I are building together, plus someone who I simply do not want to be present on my special day for a myriad of reasons, some of which can be seen in earlier posts. And that its my wedding day and I am fully within my rights not to invite someone who I don't like to my wedding. On the other hand: I'm thinking that I should be the bigger person and invite her, and that I am making too big of a deal over whether or not she is there, as she is probably unlikely to cause a disruption (I hope!) and I may not even notice that she is there. Plus it would make my mom happy and possibly avoid other issues with my family. And she may not even come anyway, in which case I've done my part. But I was also thinking that if I do decide to invite her that I should tell my mom before hand that there will be rules for her presence as follows: 1. My mom is responsible for my sister and her actions and ensuring that she is respectful and behaves during the event, and understand that if my sister starts to even step a toe out of line she will have to leave immediately, in which case my mom would be responsible for escorting her out. Although I would eject any guest who started to misbehave. 2. My sister is prohibited from bringing any guests, no bf or anybody else. 3. My sister is to limit how much alcohol she consumes at the reception, as I do not trust her to handle alcohol responsibly, and yes she is over 21. 4. My sister must dress appropriately for a formal wedding, no ridiculous outfits. Does anybody think I am being unreasonable in imposing those rules for her attendance if I decided to invite her? I really don't think their unreasonable and really no different than rules anybody else would have to follow, except for rule#2 and my mom being responsible for her. Link to comment
DN Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I am not sure I would want to invite anyone that I felt it necessary to impose those rules on in the first place. But yes, they are reasonable. Link to comment
sweetpea03 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 No, I don't think the rules are unreasonable at all. I know for me, there are some people I wouldn't really want to invite to my wedding, but I will anyways because they are a part of my life and have helped to shape me to who I am today. I feel like the wedding isn't just about me and V, but about the joining of two families, so they should all be invited. Just my own opinion. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 ^ Just the fact that you don't trust her with 1-4 above is enough in my opinion to not invite her. I wouldn't. I completely understand your decision. Your parents should respect your wishes. It is a shame that they don't. If this was so important to them then they should have done something to strengthen your relationship with your sister ahead of time - somewhere in the past 20 years. Have they every done something - or just watched, pretended to be oblivious (or worse WERE oblivious) and defended your sister even when she was being outrageously out of line. If they haven't even tried or were not successful I think it is very disrespectful and selfish of them to now DEMAND she be invited to your wedding. Maybe you can try explaining this to them. Link to comment
2EvilEyes Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I think that you should invite her, not because she is your sister, but to make your mom happy. The rules are great, because when your sister learns about these rules, I'm betting she won't show up. Then, you've done your part. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I agree that the rules are very reasonable. If you do invite your sister with these sets of rule the question then become do you trust your mom to enforce them? I just wonder because, according to the history here, your mother seems to have let your sister get away with a lot in the past. About rule 3, you could also speak with the bartender and give him strict instruction no to service over a certain amount of drinks to your sister. Link to comment
missionmama Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 That is a tough one. Anyway you can take the high road and invite her? Do you think she would cause a scene? Would it ruin your day to have her there? If you would truly regret inviting her, then don't. But, if you can invite her and kind of ignore her, it would probably be best. Maybe she won't come!! Link to comment
mfan Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 ...there will be rules for her presence as follows: 1. My mom is responsible for my sister and her actions and ensuring that she is respectful and behaves during the event, and understand that if my sister starts to even step a toe out of line she will have to leave immediately #1 needs to be more specific. What counts as "out of line"? Loud yelling? Talking during your ceremony? Taking her shirt off? I don't know your sister but you don't want her weaseling out because something wasn't specific enough. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I want to know how this turned out! Link to comment
Tezza Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Is it worth the tension? I mean it is YOUR special day. My friend had a falling out with her brother and she did not invite him to her wedding. If her brother was to attend I think it would have ruined her wedding day. Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Invite her. Also assign one of your trusted cohorts, groomsmen, or bridesmaids to monitor the behavior and make sure if she moves to disrupt your day (like in the movie 28 Days) that it gets nipped in the bud. You will never regret the insurance policy, EVEN if you have to hire a professional to do it. Link to comment
rustyschackelf Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 I want to know how this turned out! I know this is an old thread, but I thought I would update nonetheless. After careful consideration I decided that I will extend her an invitation to her with the rules I stated put in place. But after discussing this with my mom I found that this has opened a new can of worms, because my sister has a bf who she lives with and one of the rules is that she is prohibited from bringing anyone. Well now my mom is expecting me to invite her bf as well, again giving me the speech that I am required to do so, which I told her is definitely not happening. Now I again have reasons for not wanting to invite this guy, mainly that I have never met him once and do not ever care to meet him, plus he is also a degenerate as well. But although my compromise was not good enough for my mom, I have made it clear to her that I am not discussing or arguing it with her, I told her that my final decision was made and if she doesn't like it thats her problem. But thank you everyone for you help and replies. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Yes, you most def. do not have to invite her boyfriend. Just because you are a couple does not mean both of you have to come to a wedding. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 It depends. If my sister was living with someone, it might be a very noble gesture to allow her to bring him. It shows that you respect her relationship and also - if allows her to bring someone who can occupy her! She will be in a GOOD MOOD dancing with and sitting with her boyfriend instead of having the feeling that everyone is watching her every move and she cannot relax. I think that you should be flexible here. You are estranged so don't know how serious it is. A lot of weddings I have attended, if the wedding is limited seating, people are only allowed to bring fiancees, husband and wives and live in/boyfriend girlfriends. You do not have to invite their new crush, you do not have to use "and guest" for a single person to scramble to find "a date." Weddings aren't about dates but sharing family milestones with your loved ones and the ones they love. I think that you need to be a little bit flexible here. Just keep the peace - invite the boyfriend. One more person isn't going to make a big deal. After all, there might be others who do not show and the numbers will balance out. Stick to your guns, if you want to..but this is just friendly advice. The happier and more comfortable your sister is, the less likely she is to cause problems or the less likely you are to be tense and focusing the day on her. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Good for you for putting your foot down. I wonder if your sis will even show up now! Have you chosen who is going to be in charge of keeping your sister in line if she does show up? I have doubts that your mom will be very effective in that role. Link to comment
Unknown1607307972 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I think I would allow an "and guest" if I were inviting a friend who didn't really know many of the other guests, if they could bring a partner or friend they may feel a bit more comfortable as it can be overwhelming being surrounded by mainly strangers at an event. I would feel nervous showing up to a friends' wedding alone if the only person I really knew was said friend. Perhaps it would be good to invite her boyfriend (if you invite her at all, as I don't think you should be obliged to), as with her boyfriend there she may spend the time with him and be less likely to cause trouble, but then again I can understand not wanting to pay for a guest you didn't really want in the first place to have an extra guest with them, and of course it is still no guarantee there won't be trouble. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 It depends on what kind of guy this BF is. Is he the type to egg her on when she is out of line? Will he cause trouble himself? Link to comment
rustyschackelf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 It depends on what kind of guy this BF is. Is he the type to egg her on when she is out of line? Will he cause trouble himself? Thats the thing, I don't know what kind of guy he is or if he would cause some kind of disruption, nor do I care to find out. I have heard he is a degenerate, and if he is dating her than it is extremely likely that is true (as she only dates the dregs of society). But also somebody said something about paying for somebody you have never met and that is another valid point, plus the guest list is pretty full as it is. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Unfortunately I think you do have to invite the man she lives with (especially since you don't want her behaving even worse than "normal" because she is angry with you for excluding her S.O.) but if either of them behave inappropriately have someone (you designate in advance -a close friend or member of the wedding party) alert the place's manager and have her/both escorted out. If there are others who are not invited with their SO's then you don't have to. You haven't met him probably because you've chosen to distance yourself from your sister (and I'm sorry this is happening- families get so complicated!!) so I don't think the excuse "I don't know him" flies here. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 Since you are already going out on a limb by inviting your sister and suspect that the BF might be someone to not help the situation if your sister is causing trouble, I would advice holding your ground on this. If possible just tell them that the final numbers have already been given for seating and food. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 I would not invite her. It's your wedding, your decision. Your mom should not be putting that kind of pressure on you, that is rather controlling. Anyways, I didn't read all these pages, but I saw the "Rules". Somehow, I don't think they would be enforceable. Personally, I would not want someone at my wedding who had no control over their alchohol consumption, and who I didn't even like to begin with. Link to comment
DN Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 I would not invite her. It's your wedding, your decision. Your mom should not be putting that kind of pressure on you, that is rather controlling. Anyways, I didn't read all these pages, but I saw the "Rules". Somehow, I don't think they would be enforceable. Personally, I would not want someone at my wedding who had no control over their alchohol consumption, and who I didn't even like to begin with. I agree with this. Who would want to have to be concerned about what she or someone she brings might do all through the wedding and the reception. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 I agree with this. Who would want to have to be concerned about what she or someone she brings might do all through the wedding and the reception. I agree with this but thought he had resolved to invite the sister. Link to comment
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