tinkerbellkj Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I agree with this. Your reasons that you have provided are reasons that you dislike your sister, not ones that show that she would disrupt your wedding. Personally, I have worked in both a rehab, and currently in what you refer to as a "mental institution" and 98% of these people have real problems and their goal in life is NOT to disrupt other people's functions. I REALLY feel you are making more drama not inviting her than you would be inviting her. As abitbroken says, it is HIGHLY unlikely she will show up with 5 drug dealers, and SHOULD that happen, then they can escorted away. It sounds though, if your parents ARE such advocates for her, they too will not want any drama at their sons wedding where they will also be represented, and will not allow any of these horrible scenarios play out. Take it from someone who just got married, and had a formal wedding-- your guest list is not as important as you think. Honestly 10 people could have snuck into my wedding, and I never would have noticed, you WILL be too focused on other things. But, OTHER people WILL notice your sisters absence, and I think that will create more talk, and gossip than her presence, which is not what you want people to be doing on your wedding day. Link to comment
rustyschackelf Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 She is the person who would support one child in excluding another. . Trust me if the situation was reversed my mom happily support her excluding me, guaranteed. She has shown her willingness to support her and exclude me on many occasions. As I've said in earlier posts there is a huge double standard in my family when it comes to me and her, one set of rules for me to live by, and no rules for her to live by. And I see what your saying about the ramifications on my mom by not inviting her, but when it comes down to it this wedding is about me and my future wife, not my mom or my sister or any implications it will have on either of them. And right or wrong my sister is just someone who I don't want there on our special day, whether I would notice her there or not; she is a bad element that I don't want to be part of the life that my fiance and I are building together. And another thing. My mom has a sister who she absolutely can't stand and has not spoken to in almost 15 years, and probably never will speak to again. And when my mom and I were discussing this yesterday I asked her if she was getting married this fall would she invite her sister who has alot of problems with, to which she firmly responded NO. So I also think that my mom is being pretty hypocritical with this whole thing. Link to comment
sherryberrypie Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 No one has asked what your fiance thinks. What does she think is best? Like others said, guests will notice her absence and this is really going to hurt your mother. Try to think of your wedding as just one day, and by inviting your sister (and ignoring her if you like) you're setting up a peaceful future for your new family, with a mother who won't hold it against you for the rest of your days. Sometimes family is quite the "f" word, but you've just gotta grin and bear it. If the thought of having your sister in the wedding photos bothers you, try talking to the photographer beforehand to arrange pictures with whoever you want in them. Your Mom can have her copies of the whole "happy" family, and you will have a few without your sister in them. I say this because I am looking at a photo from my brother's wedding and my mom's husband is in it... I know I don't want him in ALL my family photos at my wedding, because he's not my family. Of course he would be there though, because my mom loves him. I'm assuming that you feel the same way about your sister...that she's not really your family. Link to comment
rustyschackelf Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 I'm assuming that you feel the same way about your sister...that she's not really your family. Thats exactly how I feel about her, I don't even like to use the word sister when referring to her. I consider who to be someone who I have the unfortunate coincidence of sharing parents with. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Have to talked with your mother about the double standard? I get the sense that is double standard plays a large part in your frustration with your sister. Perhaps if you explained how you feel to your mother she might be able to understand your feelings for your sister. Link to comment
sunnyhappydays Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Rusty, do what you have to do. Everyone is acting like your mom is some sort of delicate flower for whom everything needs to be perfect. Um, no. Your mom had her wedding day, this is yours. And I don't know why everyone is obsessed with perpetuating this image of perfect families on the day - if people could actually let go of the need to present an external perfect front re family, then maybe more families would be better off and would seek help for their problems. There is a reason why weddings are full of drama and people divorce more after the holidays. People feel the pressure to be perfect and it is destructive. Don't allow a celebration of your relationship, your new family and your life be soured by this horrid woman for whom you feel nothing. You know that you will look back and regret allowing her to attend. You know this. For one simple reason - your sister and mother do not care as much about your wedding as you do. Seriously. They barely care. I would bet that your mother is looking forward to receiving a lot of attention, your sister only cares about herself. If you guys do reconcile later, whether or not she attended will be of no consequence. But this is one of the most important days of your life and always will be, even if you never see your sister again. So the stakes are much higher for you than for her. Your parents will defend her no matter what. She has nothing to lose with her behavior, you have everything. So no matter what happens on your day, you will be anxious and nervous and it will spoil it. Even her happy smiling face will be a taunt because it will underscore the fact that there are no consequences for her, no matter what she does. Look, your family is poison. Do you want your mother to treat your children the same way? Do you want your sister to introduce drugs to your kids? You have a new family so draw the line now and vow to make it healthier (that includes therapy for you). Otherwise you'll be bullied into all manner of things in the name of "family" for the rest of your life. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 It's your wedding and you can invite whomever you want. It's not your mother's day. Link to comment
tinkerbellkj Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Maybe I am strange, but I never really took the "it's my day I'll have it all MY way" stance for my wedding. Thankfully, nor did my husband. To me, a wedding is more than one day, it's merging your lives together and all the people that are in it. All of these people, whether you like them or not, created the person that you are today and the person that your partner fell in love with. Some of my husbands friends I am certainly not fond of, and they are not the most positive people in the world, but they were a part of who created him, and I would never have stopped them from attending, despite my feeling towards them. But, it seems the OP has made his decision, which I am sure he feels is the right one for himself and his wife to be. Please enjoy your wedding, and don't get too tied up in the details, there is a much bigger picture than that. Link to comment
sherryberrypie Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 ^ it's never just two people's day. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Have you ever heard of the golden rule? Would you WANT your mom to support excluding you from family events? That, and you haven't said anything specifically horrible about your sister, you just don't like her. That's a childish reason not to invite your sister, and in addition, it's a common childish fantasy that everybody who doesn't join in disliking someone is against you. As I said before, this isn't a day where you and your wife get to decide how everybody behaves at your special special party which is all about you. No matter how much you pay and how much you edit your precious guest list, every party is only about the guests, not the hosts and not the birthday boy. I don't care how much you don't get along with your sister, you asked in your opening post if you had to invite your sister, and the answer is yes. You should invite your sister. That is the proper thing to do. Link to comment
sunnyhappydays Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 A parent who molested you or beat you "were part of who created you" so do they need to be invited to? Either this is about having people who love you and care for you around you or there is no depth to which a family member can sink which would warrant their exclusion from your wedding. I have a friend whose pedophile father is in prison. I'd like to think she doesn't need to get him visitation for her wedding! Link to comment
tinkerbellkj Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I think to compare the OP situation to that of a child molestors is a little ridiculous. The OP question was "do you have to invite a sibling to your wedding?" And given his reasons for not wishing to invite her, yes I do think his sister should invited. His dislikes her, she has not committed a crime against him. Link to comment
DN Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 First of all - your mother doesn't have to support either your sister or you in this matter. She has made her opinion known and that is all that is required. She doesn't have to make a dramatic withdrawal from the wedding because your sister isn't there or make a fuss about it. She doesn't have to take sides - she can still attend the wedding. As to whether you invite your sister or not - that is for you to decide. It's all very well for people to advocate either way - but if you have good reason to think that your sister will be disruptive in any way and spoil the day then you would have good reason to exclude her. Hopefully, this will be your only wedding so it's not as if you can exclude her from your next wedding if she wrecks this one. I think you would be wise to make sure that excluding her is not to punish her for past behaviour or simply because you don't like her - sometimes you have to get past that sort of thing for the greater good. But the bottom line - if she is going to ruin the day then you have a right to exclude her. And only you can be the judge of that. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 If your mother wants to deprieve herself of your wedding in order to 'stick it to you' for not inviting your sister, let her. In the end, the only person that loses in that situation is your mother. Great, she made her point by standing by her statement that if you didn't invite her she wouldn't come. But, in the process, she missed her other child's wedding just to make a point. I'm no mother but as a mother when you have two children (And I do have siblings as well) you can state what you believe, your opinion, and what you would like to happen but as a parent, you have to be neutral because if not, one kid is going to fill hurt and as a mother, I always thought that was the last thing you were suppose to do. She's asking you to respect your sister enough to invite her well, she needs to respect YOU, her other child, enough to not ask you things you don't want to do. If you truly believe your sister will ruin the day, don't invite her. And if you do invite her if you can, let security know from the get-go that if she causes any trouble she is to be escorted off the premises. My advice however is not to invite her. It's your day. You can take the advice of others and what others want but at the end of the day it's not your mother's wedding, it's yours. And you shouldn't have to worry about someone ruining it or not having someone there you don't like simply because you are being guilted into doing it. Link to comment
BrandyGirl Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I believe this is the best suggestion, I have to agree with sherryberrypie. Invite your sister, you probably won't even see much of her on the day. Just invite your sister. You probably won't even see much of her on the day. It is really really important for parents on big days like wedding days that they feel like they've done a good job in raising a happy family. It's one day, and it'll keep your family content. The ramifications of NOT inviting your sister will haunt you for the rest of your life. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 you asked in your opening post if you had to invite your sister, and the answer is yes. You should invite your sister. That is the proper thing to do. generaldiscord is correct. Your main question is "Do you have to invite your sister?" I happen to disagree with gd's answer simply because you do not have to invite anyone to your wedding. Should is a different question entirely. I happen to think that only people who have shown love, caring, kindness, and respect, to the bride and groom (or whatever combination) should be at a wedding. Does it put a strain on other family members? Its possible. Only you know your family and what is best for you. If you are willing could you give a specfic example/story of your sister so we at ENA can get a better feel for what kind of person she is? I have to admit, it sort of amazes me to see some of the responses because I have see so many posters here recommend to other to cut family members out of their lives for such reasons as you have stated about your sister. Link to comment
DN Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Good post - I agree with this. Link to comment
mfan Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Here is one major caveat if you don't invite your sister: At the wedding, everyone is going to asking you where she is and why she didn't come. On this forum you have the benefit of people taking the time to read your posting and ask you follow-up questions to find out the whole story, but at your wedding you will be confronted by 100's of people wondering "where is she" and probably asking you, and you are going to have to take responsibility for her not being there. You need to come up with a succinct, well-thought-out explanation for her absence and repeat this explanation to whoever asks. If the explanation is not convincing enough, or is too obviously a fake (e.g. "she couldn't make it") then this will subject you to increased scrutiny and suspicion. If the explanation is convincing enough, then it is undoubtedly a negative, scathing explanation, and that will sound bitter and angry like you are in a bad mood at your own wedding, which reflects badly on you. I was one of the people who recommended you don't invite your sister if you deep down don't want her there. But, you have to go into your wedding confident that you can explain this and justify it in a way that makes sense to other people when you get asked. What do you plan to say when your cousin XYZ asks you where she is? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 This seems to be more about you and your mom vs you and your sister. btw, we really have still not seen any information about what your sister is actually like or actually does. there is so much vitreol in your words all i can see is a girl who was mad because she thinks mom played favorites really than evaluating he sister for who she is. All the more reason to not let this pattern move on into another generation. Also, maybe your mom tries hard for your sister because she see some of your sister in her sister and doesn't want that for her. Weddings are about fresh starts. I know many folks who have been really hurt being excluded at weddings and excluding your sister sets the tone - telling her and the world she is not welcome by your new husband as well as you. And some people in the family may blame him for your decision. I was in a family - my ex husband's family where they regularly ostracized one another and it was painful to be the one ostracized. I was ostracized once also and even though people outside the family couldn't believe how rediculous they were. Also, the other variable is if you invite your sister, she could end up declining the invite anyhow if the relationship is bitter like you portray. and if your sis messed up in life you are not giving her the benefit of the doubt she can change, esp. since you never see her and don't know who she is now. weddings are a family celebration. especially if parents are financially contributing. it is only just about you if you elope. Link to comment
DN Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I wonder if all the people saying to invite her would be saying the same if the OP were the bride rather than the bridegroom - where is all the usual advice about "it's your day and you deserve to have there who you want and not invite someone who will disrupt the wedding"? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I agree with DN. I think the advice would be different if it were a woman asking it. No ONE should have someoneat their wedding they dont want there, family or not. Link to comment
tinkerbellkj Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 My advice would not change. I don't think it has anything about being the groom, and as I said in my previous post, I never took the stance of "it's MY day and it's MY way" for my own wedding. There were a couple of people at my wedding who I was not fond of, however, I did not make a big deal of it, and they did nothing to disrupt the event. It was perfectly harmonious. The OP has not stated that his sister will cause a scene, and it appears that NOT inviting her will cause more of a scene then inviting her. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 My advice would not change. I generally advise self absorbed brides to get over their princess complex and buy a stupid dress and rent a hall which is affordable and stop quibbling about how their bridesmaids wear their eyebrows. It's true, women are more picky about how their precious day goes, but this is incredibly spoiled and pointless behavior. As a bridesmaid who was threatened to be kicked out of the wedding party for refusing to get a $100 hairdo, I stand by my previous statements. I've also seen women threaten to un-invite their childhood friends if they didn't wear a specific length gown, or threaten to dump their fiancee if he failed to un-invite a close female friend of the family who happened to be gorgeous. I admit, nobody HAS to invite anybody, but a wedding is a social event, and there are certain social conventions which should be respected except in very extreme cases. Weddings bring out the ridiculous control freak in everybody. Normally reasonable people suddenly feel they have the power to edit their family, change people's personal styles, and even decide what people should talk about and think. One of my friends didn't invite his father to the wedding. His father was serving prison time (he could have been let out under supervision) for the sexual abuse and gross physical mutilation of minors. THAT is an extreme case. I supported that. His grandma cried alot, but she would have anyways. Link to comment
DN Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think the situations you describe here are very different to that in which the OP finds himself regarding his relationship with his sister. Why would you want someone at your wedding (or any other occasion) whom you don't like, who doesn't like you, with whom you have always had an adversarial relationship and whom you haven't seen for some time? The OP asks if he 'has' to invite his sister - and the answer is 'no, of course you don't.' You invite those people with whom you want to share your happiness and that you know will wish you well. You are not required to invite someone who regards you as some sort of enemy whether you are related to them or not. How absurd it would be to be required to spoil your wedding day by inviting someone because of what other people may or not think. Link to comment
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