Daligal83 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Wednesday...everything was fine. Made plans with my boyfriend for the weekend. Thursday I wake up and life changed. I found out that my alcoholic boyfriend has totally fallen off of the wagon. He got incredibly drunk, decided it was a good idea to move his car (parked on the wrong side of the road), and ended up crashing his car into a tree and an SUV. He didn't tell me any of this. One of his best friends did. And he was livid about it. He planned on just lying about it. So we talk for about an hour in the morning, he's still drunk so my words fall on deaf ears. I spent the entire day talking to his roommate and best friend about the situation, waiting to see what will happen when he wakes up. We talk ALL afternoon into the night. He has doubts about us. He talks about how he's been drinking for the past couple months. He opens up about everything he is depressed about. He reveals he has bipolar disorder. He refuses any sort of help. No rehab, no AA, no counseling. Been there, done that, doesn't work. He can do this on his own. Again, my words fall on deaf ears. I of course said everything that everyone here would say. Didn't matter. Then I get a text from a common friend to call her. She tells me how he called her before the car incident and tells her about how he cares about me but isn't in love with me and wants to end it but doesn't want to hurt me. He tells her negative information about our sex life that was way too personal. He tells her has not cheated, but has fallen in love with a friend of his that he works with. She said he was incredibly condescending and disrespectful toward me. He planned on avoiding intimacy all weekend and picking a fight on Sunday so we could break up. Classy. I call him and confront him. He is again livid that someone ratted him out. That's all that matters. Yea it sucks that I found out and I'm hurt and was lied to, but what it always came back to was that I shouldn't have found out. He changed a lot of the story, saying he is still in love with me and talked to our friend to get advice to work things out. Yes he is in love with his friend but is pushing her away. I specifically asked about her earlier and he lied. I asked about our sex life and he lied. He lied to me about drinking for months. I can't trust him anymore. Our friend has no reason to lie to me. He was manipulating me again, but I ended it. Which I guess is what he wanted all along. I don't even know if he ever loved me. How can I trust anything he did when he lied so easily? Who knows what else he lied about. In his mind, whatever he doesn't want me to know because it is inconvenient is none of his business. I feel stupid, embarrassed, betrayed, manipulated, angry, hurt, rejected...my mind is spinning out of control. I haven't eaten since lunch and all I had was a quarter of a sub. I didn't eat breakfast. I can't sleep. I don't know how I'm going to go to work tomorrow. I go between severely hating him to being so * * * * ing sad. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Oh God, I'm so sorry. Keep your chin up, you deserve so much better than this. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Is it wrong for me to be so hurt that he fell in love with someone else? I told him that as soon as he realized there were physical and emotional attractions there, that's when he should have started to push her away. But he chose to develop that relationship until he was in love with her. And all he kept saying was that he wasn't even on her radar. I kept yelling at him that it was HIS radar I'm concerned about. He didn't get it. He said that you can't help if you develop feelings for someone and he didn't cheat. But he let it get that far in my opinion and I told him he emotionally cheated on me. He didn't agree. Am I out of line there? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 No, you are not. You CAN help if you develop feelings for someone and you are in a relationship. You aren't suppose to if you love the person you are with! I suggust strict NC. Screw him. He doesn't deserve you or your kindness. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I mean I get developing crushes. That happens. But you don't encourage it. That's so freaking inappropriate. And he sees nothing wrong with it. He was so cold and detached. And I'm 99% sure he fell asleep at the end of the phone call. I heard heavy breathing and then he started making no sense while he was talking, I think he was asleep. He probably drank himself to sleep. He freaking fell asleep at the end of our breakup. I can't believe it. Who is this guy? He is not the guy I dated and fell in love with. But apparently we started dating during his manic stage so who knows who he really is. I wish I could just sleep. Link to comment
LightbulbSun Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Is it wrong for me to be so hurt that he fell in love with someone else? No, it's not. It's part of being human; you loved him, so you're hurting. It would actually be wrong if you weren't. I'm really sorry. I hope things get better for you. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Classy indeed!! Cowardly too. What a way to end a relationship. That shows no respect for you at all. He has also shown no respect to you by calling your friend and offering personal and intimate details of your sex life! And then to get annoyed that this friend repeated to you what he said just goes to show how mixed up he is. He should have been sorry he said it at all, not that it somehow got back to you. What does he expect when he behaves so disgracefully? (and I'm talking about the drink driving and crashing of the car too). He does all these things and expects you to be the only one NOT to find out. YOU, his girlfriend! Dilusional! He lied to you over and over again. He led you on. Be thankful that you have got out when your have. I know that doesn't help how you are feeling now but you can take some comfort in the fact that you were able to stand up for yourself and end the relationship and not string things out hoping that he would change. Its early days yet. This will get better. ((((hugs)))) Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I am so sorry. Being lied to and betrayed feels worse than actually losing the person. First and foremost this guy's one and only love is alcohol. He is out of control. Alcoholics lie. So even if he did "fall in love" with this other person, his real, true love is alcohol and that takes precedence over people. Even if he dates her, he will do to her what he did to you because he has a drinking problem. Over time you will be relieved that he is no longer your problem. You are actually free now...free from being stuck with an alcoholic and all their dysfunctional behaviours. If you had been married to this guy you would have had to mop up his messes such as the tree/SUV incident. Now you can walk away from it and let him deal with all the paperwork and all the headaches involved in that accident. Lucky for him there were no other people involved in that accident...but one day there might be. Better that you don't have to be caught up in any fallout. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 No, you are not. You CAN help if you develop feelings for someone and you are in a relationship. You aren't suppose to if you love the person you are with! I suggust strict NC. Screw him. He doesn't deserve you or your kindness. This is not strictly true. We CAN'T help who we fall in love with. However, we CAN help how deal with the consequences of falling in love with someone else. Peope are falling in and out of love all the time. Relationships end all the time ... and sad and painful though it still is, there is no reason why this can't be done decently. The way the OP's ex has handled this is cowardly, disrespectful and hurtful. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Oh I'm so sorry... It is possible to successfully date a recovering alchoholic, but only if they are rigidly honest about what they are doing and if they are getting help and counseling always (not just a week and then give up...) Emotional cheating for me is worse than normal run of the mill cheating. If a dude can talk to another girl about anything, but can't even tell you he got in a freaking car accident, the relationship was over long ago. I am really sorry for you, and I hope you feel better soon! Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thank you guys. I slept for about and hour. I woke up in disbelief still that this all happened. I feel like whoever I dated and fell in love with didn't really exist. His roommate is still texting me and is so understanding. They are all sick of his crap. I am glad I can walk away from him and not deal with it. The more I think back on the relationship, the more I knew it wasn't going to work. There was no way. I just wanted it to so badly. I don't know why. He's not even a nice person. He talks badly about everyone. I should have seen this coming. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 He's disgusting. Go NC. Never speak to him again, cut him off completely. Don't even miss him, the man he was/or you thought he was isn't really him and you can find everything you're looking for and everything you were in love with, in a better man. Hang in there, vent, go out and have some fun - but keep him out of your life. Just remember, there are many amazing men out there who wouldn't even dream of doing this to a woman. Men who respect women, and care for them and are mature, responsible people. You don't deserve this childish fool. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 This is who I seem to find though. My first boyfriend was schizophrenic and emotionally abusive. My second boyfriend wasn't that bad, but my sister said she didn't like how he treated me. He was at least a good person, but not right for me. I am done with him. Untagged our photos, took him off of gchat. I will defriend him if I need to. I have ZERO plans on ever being with him. I don't want to be his friend. I want him gone. I can't even think about dating again. I hate dating so much. I just want to be on my own for quite awhile. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 He is the only one responsible for his behavoir. Unforturnately he is choosing alcohol. Its very easy for him to shift all the responsibility over to you BUT what you have to remember is - he's an alcoholic and he will do whatever it takes to rationalize his behavior... even piling blame on you. It may be helpful to attend an alonon meeting. Regardless assume he means what he says and its over. As much as it hurts now if he continues to drink it will only get worse and more abusive. Remember as hard as it is don't take he behavoir personally - its the alcohol and the desire for alcohol. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I've just been clued into a TON of information from his roommate. It's a mess. He's just totally messed up and will never have a healthy relationship. He is not a good person. I am so so glad I got away. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Will you go NC? I can't help but notice how this situation kind of reminds me of Jen's situation (another poster here) where he lashes out in front of all her friends about how he doesn't love her, he never did etc etc. The only difference is he did it behind your back. Don't waste any more time with this loser. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I agree that he's in love with the alcohol, above all else. it's a disease and like any other disease, you can't control it on your own, you need to go to a doctor, get counseling, etc... i mean, he is just lucky that he didn't hit someone who was in a car, or a child crossing the street. things could have been a lot worse for him. why he doesn't see this as a wakeup call? just shows you how not in his right mind he is. (HUGS) I'm sorry about this all. if you can't sleep tonight, take a sleeping pill so you can get some rest. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Yea between the untreated alcoholism and the untreated bipolar disorder, it's a massive mess. I guess he has lost his job before due to this. His roommate said that he did drink through the night last night. I don't even know if he is aware that we broke up. Or if he will even care. She is kicking him out of the apartment. Luckily I have amazing friends. His friends are completely supportive of me. Mine are just incredible. I will be OK. I now have plans for Saturday night and tonight if I wish. My other friend is calling me to check up on me when he gets out of work. I've seen a lot of support already. I might just go to my sister's tonight so I can be with my nieces. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I am glad you slept a little and maybe just for tonight take one of those tylenol pms or benadryl (or even chamomile tea) to help you rest. You know that all you're feeling and thinking is normal and it's normal if you miss him, normal if you're angry, whatever. Let the feelings come, it's ok. If you can, in a few hours, figure out which food or liquid would feel good going down and take a bite or a sip. Baby steps. I hope you decide not to be in contact with him at least for the next few weeks because I think it's all been said and if there is more, now is not the time. On the specifics -I agree he should not have acted on his crush, and that having a crush or finding someone attractive is normal -if it wasn't we wouldn't need to take wedding vows which just promise to avoid temptation. If you trust your friend he certainly should not have discussed this with her. Also understand that he is not a healthy person and so while that doesnt' excuse his behavior (he should be on meds/in therapy,etc) it should help you see that it's not you. It's also totally normal and ok that you were a bit blinded -normal in the beginning, even more normal because it was long distance. And anyway, his in love feelings are through the lens of mental illness and alcoholism so even though they're real "feelings" they're not coming from a healthy place. It's so hard when you feel like the person you knew is now a stranger but sometimes it helps in the healing process. You have plenty of time later to think about why you were into him, whether you should date again, all of that. Today if you can swallow some ice-cream and perhaps a vitamin it will be a successful day. (and maybe a nap). Hang in there. Link to comment
testcase Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Hey, so sorry to hear this. It seems like it's definitely for the best you're getting away from this situation. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks guys. I broke down a couple times at work today, but it's because people were so attentive. I have the best friends. Everyone is checking up on me. I'm going to my sister's for dinner and then to hang out with coworkers. I have plans for tomorrow night and maybe during the day. I have plans for Sunday and possibly Monday. Everyone is being so great. They all want to kill him. I know I will be OK once I get through the hurt. I don't plan on really ever talking to him again. There's no point. I don't believe a thing he says anymore. His roommate is getting my keys and I'll bring her his shirts. She's kicking him out of the apartment anyway. Two of my other coworkers are on the verge of breakup. What the heck is in the air. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I don't know, but I know of two other couples who broke up yesterday. very strange indeed. i am super glad that your friends are being supportive. they are really looking out for you. i'm also glad that his roommate is being cooperative with you and helping you out and getting the stuff, etc.... you are right, you will be fine in the long run. it hurts now, but you are better off. Link to comment
22n32 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 It's after the holidays! New yr everyone wants a new start.. shows u how disposable people view rel... I'm sorry about what ur going thru. Be strong and never look back Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 It's after the holidays! New yr everyone wants a new start.. shows u how disposable people view rel... k I don't think this has any relevance to the OP's situation. Link to comment
22n32 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I don't think this has any relevance to the OP's situation. She and another posters asked what's in the air about everyone breaking up so I commented.. sorry it bugged u so much ;( Link to comment
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