My Views On Sex Make Me Feel Very Un-American...Am I Alone?

[Sparkly Eyes]

Can I ask what stuff do you do with guys you date? Is it just kissing? Do you do oral sex or things other than intercourse?

[RougeKali823]

For me, with "sexual compatibility"....I couldn't marry a guy without sleeping with him and living with him for a while beforehand. I want to make sure we are compatible. My parents had this view too. They told me to "test drive".

 

I have a low libido as it is and I need to know that a guy has a low one too and doesn't desire sex so he won't pressure me for it. I wouldn't marry a virgin man because what if he likes sex a lot, he finds? No thanks not good for me.

 

Again this is a very Western (or European) view on sex. I couldn't get behind it. I actually grew up in NYC and have been exposed to a little too much liberation.

[RougeKali823]

OG,

 

I used to be against pre marital sex myself. I made my best friend feel bad when she lost her V. I'm so sorry for that and I have since apologized to her.

 

I went through a phase where I felt if I lost my V, i'd be damaged good and tainted. I didn't feel this way when I was little! Just happened for a bit. So I meditated on it and felt that it wasn't the path for me and that I had let someone influence me who shouldn't have.

 

Gotta stay true to your beliefs, no matter what.

 

That's true. Just tonight though my dad told me that he views my older sister as damaged goods for her inability to have waited until marriage.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Yes, and they have a right to want to wait just as women who want premartial sex have their own rights. For me, I could never marry a man without having had sex to him. Not because I'm a horn dog but because to me, sexual compatability is a HUGE thing in a relationship. If I married a guy who I loved but was completely not sexually compatable with, that would most def. put a strain on the marriage.

That's where talking about this with your fiance is good. True, you can't learn everything about how your future spouse may sexually act towards you in conversation alone, but it's always good to get an idea of what the other is like. I wished I had discussed it more.

You don't want to end up a member of that sexless marriage forum I linked to...

[Fudgie]

Yes Rouge, it is.

 

I was exposed to it through my parents. Married for 25 years with professional degrees, had me in their 30s. They were not their firsts or close to it but they don't feel bad.

 

I guess we are all different.

[OptomisticGirl]

He would have married me without sex and attraction having been his inspiration so we would stay together. It's actually statistically proven (I know those aren't foolproof) that we'd have a better chance of survival than you two for having waited to be intimate.

 

I actually disagree and have seen statistics say otherwise. People say living together harms your relationship when in fact, it strengthens it. If I had married my ex before living with him we would have been divorced because it isn't until you live with someone day in and day out that you know their true self. And it's fine to say he married you without it being an inspiration but once you experience sex, it becomes a part of your relationship. You can say it wouldn't bother you but I think once it's experienced, you'll have a different view point on it.

 

As I said, there is nothing wrong with waiting. However, I believe those who want to wait tend to look down on those who don't MORE than those who don't wait do on those who wait.

[Teaday]

He would have married me without sex and attraction having been his inspiration so we would stay together. It's actually statistically proven (I know those aren't foolproof) that we'd have a better chance of survival than you two for having waited to be intimate.

 

Statistics are just that...statistics. They're constantly being changed, manipulated, and hardly have any bearing on individual situations. I know plenty of people who've had sex before marriage and their relationships are thriving, more so than some that have waited.

[OptomisticGirl]

That's where talking about this with your fiance is good. True, you can't learn everything about how your future spouse may sexually act towards you in conversation alone, but it's always good to get an idea of what the other is like. I wished I had discussed it more.

You don't want to end up a member of that sexless marriage forum I linked to...

 

Exactly. You have to know you are compatable with someone in every sense. For those who want to wait more power to them. For me, sex is stipulation to base compatability on.

[OptomisticGirl]

Statistics are just that...statistics. They're constantly being changed, manipulated, and hardly have any bearing on individual situations. I know plenty of people who've had sex before marriage and their relationships are thriving, more so than some that have waited.

 

And the main rason behind that is if you wait until your married and your spouse is the only person you have been with, it is only natural to after a few years wonder 'what someone else would be like' because your spouse is your only experience with it. Completely natural.

[bulletproof]

That's true. Just tonight though my dad told me that he views my older sister as damaged goods for her inability to have waited until marriage.

 

This might explain where your view comes from. That's a horrible thing for any father to say to any child, whether it's the child he feels that about or that child's sibling.

 

America is a huge place. There are plenty of places that have people thinking exactly as you do. And as far as teenagers feeling pressured to do anything, I think the problem is not society, but lack of parenting in general. America has been called prudish and uptight compared to some, way too loose compared to others. It's all relative and you should really only be worrying about how you live your own life, not what other people are doing.

[lostnscared]

That's true. Just tonight though my dad told me that he views my older sister as damaged goods for her inability to have waited until marriage.

 

Are you serious? How would your dad know that she didn't wait? She told him? I feel bad for her that he views her as damaged goods.

 

My dad was disappointed when he found out I didn't wait(he actually found out by snooping on my computer). I was raised weird, my parents never talked to us about sex, although my mom did tell us to never give a man oral. That was the gist of it. She also mentioned to use condoms. My dad just acted like sex never existed. And even tried to ground us when we were 18 for watching 40 year old virgin. It was really weird. And their views on sex made me very weird about it. Both of my sisters(younger) are virgins. My brother got three women pregnant prior to getting married(the first one had to abort due to a medical condition, the second one he had no idea she had a baby, the third one he married).

[RougeKali823]

I actually disagree and have seen statistics say otherwise. People say living together harms your relationship when in fact, it strengthens it. If I had married my ex before living with him we would have been divorced because it isn't until you live with someone day in and day out that you know their true self. And it's fine to say he married you without it being an inspiration but once you experience sex, it becomes a part of your relationship. You can say it wouldn't bother you but I think once it's experienced, you'll have a different view point on it.

 

As I said, there is nothing wrong with waiting. However, I believe those who want to wait tend to look down on those who don't MORE than those who don't wait do on those who wait.

 

Yeah, it is definitely proven that cohabiting seriously increases chances of divorce and that makes sense. I mean you only acquire certain skills when things are new and you grasp the gravity of your commitment. If you've lived together and all that then a marriage really is just a piece of paper as you've already wed your bodies, lives etc. I know from my experience with my fiance what his temperament is, how he cleans his home, how his finances are and the like. We also have premarital counseling for the hashing out of whatever else might emerge as an issue. I genuinely don't believe that I'd feel a newness and excitement for marriage if I'd had sex with my fiance prior to. I mean if he'd already seen it all then what would we be wedding on our wedding night? I will disagree with the fact that virgins tend to be less tolerant of non-virgins because I have noticed that non-virgins who are regretful tend to bash non-virgins more than virgins do. That's just based on my experience though, you may have observed something else.

[LightbulbSun]

I know I'm a virgin, but I don't think sex is all it's cracked up to be. I will probably be disappointed when I finally have it, and prefer masturbation.

[Blue Spiral]

If I were a woman, I'd stick to the west. Countries that promote female circumcision = yikes.

 

In America, there's all kinds of behavior, but you can do what you want and ignore the rest. In certain other countries, you may not have that option.

[Teaday]

My parents were the same way and I honestly wish I was able to talk to atleast my mom about sex! It's a part of life, whether or not you want to take part in it at a certain time, and either way you can end up feeling very confused without having anyone close to talk to about it.

[lostnscared]

I agree with you about living with a "so" before marriage. I don't believe in that either. I know my "so" from being to his place plenty of times. He is a neat freak like me, and we both are very similar about how we like things cleaned. We are compatible in that respect. I don't want to live with him prior to marriage. I also think it (living together) undermines marriage and it isn't as special if I were to live with him then marry him.

[annie24]

Yeah, it is definitely proven that cohabiting seriously increases chances of divorce and that makes sense.

 

I read that it depends on the reason for cohabitation. Some couples cohabitate to save money and then afterward decide to marry. They have a higher divorce rate than those who are committed to the relationship and decide to cohabitate as part of their committment to each other/integrating lives. I think the mindset you enter it matters.

 

lostnscared - sounds like your parents really did a number on your brother. and they sound like my mom, lol. i think it's important to give kids sexual information from a reproductive health perspective so that they don't go around believing stupid things their friends say. ie, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." "you don't get pregnant if you have sex in a swimming pool...." etc....

[RougeKali823]

She has children and he said men only respect the respectable. This stemmed from me explaining to him that despite my ex's past I will marry him for how he treats me. He went on to say that my fiance doesn't deserve me because he doesn't have the record I do and is damaged as well for having had sex and children. I told him that this theory would then mean that my older sis was unworthy of love and to my surprise he stated that she was. She has had abortions as well and so really he is disappointed in her for those (not trying to turn thread political, just providing background).

[OptomisticGirl]

Actually no, that isn't what I said. I am FOR cohabitation before marriage. It's BECAUSE I did it I know my ex was wrong for me. If I hadn't done it I would have married him and ended up divorce because I didn't know who he really was. The wedding night can still be just as special. CS and I aren't doing anything sexual a whole month before the wedding and for the two nights he's here. He's not seeing the lingerie I'm buying or anything. It is what you make it. People put too much importance on sex really. It's a basic human instinct to want it.

 

And in my experience virgins have been harsher to none virgins. Your fahter is case in point. Why should your sister feel like damaged goods just because she lost her virginity? Whether virgins realize it or not, they DO put none virgins down way more than none virgins put virgins down. I hear more 'you are damaged goods' 'you are just giving it to him for free' then I do 'you are insane for waiting'

[RougeKali823]

My parents were the same way and I honestly wish I was able to talk to atleast my mom about sex! It's a part of life, whether or not you want to take part in it at a certain time, and either way you can end up feeling very confused without having anyone close to talk to about it.

 

My mom has been SUPER open about sex which is part of the reason I decided to wait because it is not something to just be engaging in with anyone.

[annie24]

She has children and he said men only respect the respectable. This stemmed from me explaining to him that despite my ex's past I will marry him for how he treats me. He went on to say that my fiance doesn't deserve me because he doesn't have the record I do and is damaged as well for having had sex and children. I told him that this theory would then mean that my older sis was unworthy of love and to my surprise he stated that she was. She has had abortions as well and so really he is disappointed in her for those (not trying to turn thread political, just providing background).

 

it is unfortunate that your dad equates sex and children as a ruined life. sounds like he is kind of angry and bitter.

[OptomisticGirl]

I read that it depends on the reason for cohabitation. Some couples cohabitate to save money and then afterward decide to marry. They have a higher divorce rate than those who are committed to the relationship and decide to cohabitate as part of their committment to each other/integrating lives. I think the mindset you enter it matters.

 

lostnscared - sounds like your parents really did a number on your brother. and they sound like my mom, lol. i think it's important to give kids sexual information from a reproductive health perspective so that they don't go around believing stupid things their friends say. ie, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." "you don't get pregnant if you have sex in a swimming pool...." etc....

 

Number one reason my kids will know about sex asap. Maybe in them knowing what it is as well they won't feel the need to explore it at too early an age. It'll be like alcohol. We'll give them sips as they get older so that when they are teenagers it isn't this big 'mystery' that they have to sneek around and explore. They already know what it is and that it isn't a big deal.

[RougeKali823]

I understood what you meant and stated that cohabiting is detrimental to marriage based on what I know. Also, if sex is so essential then why wait for a month when you've been having it all along? I mean what you're doing is attempting to make it special again right? I mean if you've already done it then you may as well continue. I'm trying to understand how this works. I mean if sex is essential then going without it for a month prior to affirming your compatibility through marriage wouldn't be consistent with that belief then right?

[newwave]

I am a "born again" (if this is such a term) virgin. In my 20's I had lots of sex. I wasn't sleeping with every guy, but was more open to sex. I had a few fwb's as well. After all, I needed sex. However, I realized that yes the sex was fun but it was sad after awhile. I often rushed into sex with guys I thought were relationships, only to have them break my heart. Then 6 months-year later I often heard they got married. That hurt me badly and wondering if I could have been the one they married. I often think I am still single because of this.

 

Several years ago I made the decision to abstain until a serious relationship. While it does scare off many guys, the ones wanting what I do will stay. I no longer want to be the girl they have sex with while they marry another, I want to be the one they marry.

[RougeKali823]

it is unfortunate that your dad equates sex and children as a ruined life. sounds like he is kind of angry and bitter.

 

It's per his religion and he sees her as more vulnerable and less desired and honestly she is now that she has her little ones. I adore my nieces and nephew but I can tell that she didn't want them and only had them to make up for the babies she aborted (again no political implications just stating what I think and providing background).