My Views On Sex Make Me Feel Very Un-American...Am I Alone?

[ClarenceRutherford]

I know I'm a virgin, but I don't think sex is all it's cracked up to be. I will probably be disappointed when I finally have it, and prefer masturbation.

Don't take this as a slap, man, as I know you're a virgin..... but you couldn't be so far off....

 

That earlier post about my marriage "frequency issues..." let's just say not all spouses offer as much "frequency" as the other would like (men withhold from women too).

To compensate for my high drive, I MB but I can tell you it is in no way comparable or even in the same galaxy as being able to truly express your love sexually to your spouse...

 

Maybe this can express it better:

I would never MB again if my wife would give to me once a day or similar...

Here's the post.

link removed

 

You will in no way be disappointed. Like I recommended to Rouge, you and your bride need to read one of those books on Christian marital sex. Search on Amazon and you'll find similar books or some at your bookstore.

 

Making love with your wife will be one of your great life moments. I recently told mine that the best day of my life was our wedding day, followed by the day I met her...

[OptomisticGirl]

I understood what you meant and stated that cohabiting is detrimental to marriage based on what I know. Also, if sex is so essential then why wait for a month when you've been having it all along? I mean what you're doing is attempting to make it special again right? I mean if you've already done it then you may as well continue. I'm trying to understand how this works. I mean if sex is essential then going without it for a month prior to affirming your compatibility through marriage wouldn't be consistent with that belief then right?

 

Well to be honest when we get married we won't have has sex for 4 months (since it will be 4 months since we last saw each other so REALLY in having actual physical sex it'll be 4 months. And yes, it is to make the wedding night special. And I believe it is consistent. Some people chose to continue with sex up until the wedding night. For us our wedding day is special, not just the night but the day. It's the day we become 'one' as a couple and commit to life to each other. It's just our way of wanting to remember that special day in yet another special way. As well, the more you hold out doing it when you have already done it drives you even more crazy (in the good sexual way) the night of.

 

Just because we are having sex now (er, would be minus the 4,000 miles) doesn't mean we can't strife to make our wedding night a little more special than any other night.

[lostnscared]

She has children and he said men only respect the respectable. This stemmed from me explaining to him that despite my ex's past I will marry him for how he treats me. He went on to say that my fiance doesn't deserve me because he doesn't have the record I do and is damaged as well for having had sex and children. I told him that this theory would then mean that my older sis was unworthy of love and to my surprise he stated that she was. She has had abortions as well and so really he is disappointed in her for those (not trying to turn thread political, just providing background).

 

Well I have no comment on that perspective--to each their own. My dad was disappointed but never would have said those things about me. I did have one abortion(as I mentioned earlier) which I do regret and would never do again. My parents have no idea about that(I am too ashamed) and my parents are against abortions, as is my bf, so it was even harder when he found out what I did to his child(fetus).

 

I feel bad for your sister then--I mean I can't imagine how it feels to be viewed as damaged goods. My parents(I believe) sort of have that view for my brother, for having baby mamas, a child in a foster care, and having sex with multiple women. They eventually accepted in time, and he is married now and actually is on the road to become a pastor--as he has changed a lot.

 

I do believe that some men do really admire women that remained virgins until marriage. Did your "so" also remain a virgin until he got married to his previous wife? Do you think that may make the experience a bit different--since he's already had sex and you haven't?

 

My boyfriends older brother is very religious. He had sex before, but became a born again virgin, and married a virgin woman. He is a very saintly(religious) man who does not drink, curse, and is kind to everyone. He talked about how he became a born again virgin for his "wife" on their wedding day.

[Teaday]

My mom has been SUPER open about sex which is part of the reason I decided to wait because it is not something to just be engaging in with anyone.

 

That's great! I do think that if my parents had talked to me about sex, like your mom had, I wouldn't have had to learn about most of it on my own and would've gone about things differently. That said, I don't regret any of the times I've had sex.

[annie24]

It's per his religion and he sees her as more vulnerable and less desired and honestly she is now that she has her little ones. I adore my nieces and nephew but I can tell that she didn't want them and only had them to make up for the babies she aborted (again no political implications just stating what I think and providing background).

 

i agree that it makes life harder, but i wouldn't say it makes someone damaged goods. you are marrying your fiance so obviously you know that yourself.

 

personally, i feel like families say a lot of stupid things, and you just have to tune them out.

[lostnscared]

It's per his religion and he sees her as more vulnerable and less desired and honestly she is now that she has her little ones. I adore my nieces and nephew but I can tell that she didn't want them and only had them to make up for the babies she aborted (again no political implications just stating what I think and providing background).

 

You think she had a few babies to make up for abortions? That's sort of screwed up. Well I do feel bad for her and her children then if that is the case. Is your father Muslim? Obviously if your a single woman with multiple children you won't be as desirable to "single" men as would be a single women with no children(i.e. baggage) so I understand what your father means. But I still think it's sort of wrong to say that about a child. Children will make mistakes. Hopefully she will meet a man that will love her and accept her and her children.

[RougeKali823]

My fiance isn't a virgin but he's been abstaining for our entire relationship (four years). He waited for his ex as well so this isn't new to him really. His father waited for his mother and he thinks it's the right way to do things. It has NOT been easy and I have been tempted but we've decided to take certain precautions to ensure that we do it right so that his son doesn't think you move women in and start having sex with them before you marry them.

[RougeKali823]

You think she had a few babies to make up for abortions? That's sort of screwed up. Well I do feel bad for her and her children then if that is the case. Is your father Muslim? Obviously if your a single woman with multiple children you won't be as desirable to "single" men as would be a single women with no children(i.e. baggage) so I understand what your father means. But I still think it's sort of wrong to say that about a child. Children will make mistakes. Hopefully she will meet a man that will love her and accept her and her children.

 

She told me that she did because after her abortions she felt terrible and says she can hear like babies crying and they haunt her dreams. I think my sister deserves a loving partner and I don't feel she is damaged. We're actually very close despite us being total opposites.

[annie24]

A hypothetical question for you Rouge:

 

What if your current apartment flooded or your lease suddenly got terminated or something else happened and you had to move out? Let's say this was 4 months before your wedding. Would you consider moving in with your fiance? What would you do? And let's assume that there was a couch you or he could sleep on to keep you out of the same bed.

[RougeKali823]

i agree that it makes life harder, but i wouldn't say it makes someone damaged goods. you are marrying your fiance so obviously you know that yourself.

 

personally, i feel like families say a lot of stupid things, and you just have to tune them out.

 

Yeah, I will not lie though. Earlier in our relationship I did thing my fiance was damaged goods. I still sometimes feel like I waited, got my degrees, made sure I had good credit and all of this and he isn't giving me any firsts. Realistically though not many men in the country can still give firsts to a woman though IMO. So my fiance is always going out of his way to give me firsts. He is praying that we have a daughter so that I can be the one to bring the first girl into their family filled with three generations of only men.

[lostnscared]

My fiance isn't a virgin but he's been abstaining for our entire relationship (four years). He waited for his ex as well so this isn't new to him really. His father waited for his mother and he thinks it's the right way to do things. It has NOT been easy and I have been tempted but we've decided to take certain precautions to ensure that we do it right so that his son doesn't think you move women in and start having sex with them before you marry them.

 

Do you think that because he's had sexual experience, that it could pose as an issue once you two do get married and have sex because he may have certain expectations or "wants"?

 

I think it's great when I hear about men waiting and not pressuring their gf's for sex. And I imagine it is tempting, but I'm sure that for now making out and what not(not sure what else you can do that isn't sexual) will help you ride out the temptation to go further.

[RougeKali823]

A hypothetical question for you Rouge:

 

What if your current apartment flooded or your lease suddenly got terminated or something else happened and you had to move out? Let's say this was 4 months before your wedding. Would you consider moving in with your fiance? What would you do? And let's assume that there was a couch you or he could sleep on to keep you out of the same bed.

 

No, I'd stay in a hotel. I'm a type-A lol so I don't waiver on much even under dire circumstances. Like when I visit him I stay at his place but I make sure I act like a visitor.

[ClarenceRutherford]

And in my experience virgins have been harsher to none virgins. Your fahter is case in point. Why should your sister feel like damaged goods just because she lost her virginity? Whether virgins realize it or not, they DO put none virgins down way more than none virgins put virgins down. I hear more 'you are damaged goods' 'you are just giving it to him for free' then I do 'you are insane for waiting'

I mean no heated argument here as I like your posts and don't want to become enemies, but it seems like society in general laughs at or ridicules older virgins more than the other way around. Take that 40-year-old virgin movie (haven't seen it).

Though I can see some virgins feeling like they're superior to non-virgins. I'll admit that's the case as in this blog I once read from an awakened woman.

link removed

I dated sweet boys in high school who kissed me passionately but did not push for more.I knew most of my classmates were having sex, but I wasn't, and I formed a tight solidarity with a few friends from church who weren't having sex either. In an effort to overcome our feelings of counterculture and to resist peer pressure, we developed this snide prideful attitude that said "We're better than those losers who are having sex." Perhaps that pride kept me from the backseat of a Chevy. God only knows. But that prideful sense of "we are better than them" has just been wiped out--twenty years later.

Your GF from years ago who lorded her virginity over your lack of was wrong as well. Virginity shouldn't be something you trumpet over others.

[lostnscared]

Yeah, I will not lie though. Earlier in our relationship I did thing my fiance was damaged goods. I still sometimes feel like I waited, got my degrees, made sure I had good credit and all of this and he isn't giving me any firsts. Realistically though not many men in the country can still give firsts to a woman though IMO. So my fiance is always going out of his way to give me firsts. He is praying that we have a daughter so that I can be the one to bring the first girl into their family filled with three generations of only men.

 

What does your degrees and having good credit have to do with "first" and sex?

Hopefully you WILL have a daughter and that will be the first. And the first of his marriages to last(since his last one did not). There are still many "firsts" you two can do together.

 

 

 

I must ask though if you viewed him as damaged goods how were you able to overcome and stay with him despite the fact that he had already married, had a child(baggage), was older, more experienced, had sex, and so on?

[Cognitive_Canine]

You said earlier that you saw premarital sex as "an inability to wait". However, if people went out and got married at 6 or 7 months, and still waited that long before having sex, is it any less amiable than waiting 2 years to get married?

 

The problem is that that's not why most people have sex. Most people do not "give in" to temptation.

[lostnscared]

She told me that she did because after her abortions she felt terrible and says she can hear like babies crying and they haunt her dreams. I think my sister deserves a loving partner and I don't feel she is damaged. We're actually very close despite us being total opposites.

 

Wow that's tough. I don't want to get political either, but I did feel terrible after I had mine as well, and four years later, it still from to time haunts me. Oddly enough I didn't want kids for a while after it took place, because I realized that if anything having that happen to me was a "lesson" that I needed to either refrain from sex or get on BC. I started wanting kids last year though. Not sure if it is because of the abortion, or because I'm just having baby fever. I'm thinking it's the latter, but also am sure that a part of me also feels a bit guilty for what I did to my boyfriend. But this is so off topic LOL.

[RougeKali823]

Do you think that because he's had sexual experience, that it could pose as an issue once you two do get married and have sex because he may have certain expectations or "wants"?

 

I think it's great when I hear about men waiting and not pressuring their gf's for sex. And I imagine it is tempting, but I'm sure that for now making out and what not(not sure what else you can do that isn't sexual) will help you ride out the temptation to go further.

 

No, we have the same "wants" and fortunately the same undesirables lol. We have a great (and very blunt) sex therapist helping out with my premarital jitters about the pain of the first night and all. I mean I'm optimistic but I'm realistic and if we have some intimacy issues those will be addressed so I'm pretty confident. If things change we can handle it.

[lostnscared]

Your very interesting OP. You have a sex counselor even though you two have never had sex? LOL.

 

I feel so slow for saying that but I think its cute that you two are really making sure you're on the same page with everything prior to this marriage.

[RougeKali823]

What does your degrees and having good credit have to do with "first" and sex?

Hopefully you WILL have a daughter and that will be the first. And the first of his marriages to last(since his last one did not). There are still many "firsts" you two can do together.

 

 

 

 

I must ask though if you viewed him as damaged goods how were you able to overcome and stay with him despite the fact that he had already married, had a child(baggage), was older, more experienced, had sex, and so on?

 

They, based on my beliefs, make me a pretty independently successful woman and potential partner. I never wanted to be at the mercy of a man for anything so I worked hard to make sure that I had my own for my partner from the very start. I've had this all planned since I was about 14. Again, I'm a type-a.

 

In answer to your question-I never got over it I accepted it. Still crosses my mind though from time to time.

[RougeKali823]

Your very interesting OP. You have a sex counselor even though you two have never had sex?

 

Well I mean I wouldn't get married as a virgin and expect things to magically work lol. I have waited my entire life to have wonderful sex (often) during marriage lol and I want to make sure that I get a good ROI. She's actually also our premarital counseling but her area of expertise is sex.

[OptomisticGirl]

I mean no heated argument here as I like your posts and don't want to become enemies, but it seems like society in general laughs at or ridicules older virgins more than the other way around. Take that 40-year-old virgin movie (haven't seen it).

Though I can see some virgins feeling like they're superior to non-virgins. I'll admit that's the case as in this blog I once read from an awakened woman.

link removed

 

Your GF from years ago who lorded her virginity over your lack of was wrong as well. Virginity shouldn't be something you trumpet over others.

 

Oh I completely agree. Older virgins are looked down upon in our society and they shouldn't. Hollywood makes fun of them (as the movei you mentioned) and make movies idealising college boys banging as many girls as they can. It's how our society is. However, I still see more virgins bashing none virgins. We are said that we don't have the ability to wait when in reality, we are only acting on a primal human instinct that has been drone in to us for millions of years.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Oh I completely agree. Older virgins are looked down upon in our society and they shouldn't. Hollywood makes fun of them (as the movei you mentioned) and make movies idealising college boys banging as many girls as they can. It's how our society is. However, I still see more virgins bashing none virgins. We are said that we don't have the ability to wait when in reality, we are only acting on a primal human instinct that has been drone in to us for millions of years.

 

Yeah, no one should really be bashing anyone.

 

It's not that I can't wait. I very much can. I just don't see the point in waiting and don't think it's a good idea for me to wait.

[lostnscared]

They, based on my beliefs, make me a pretty independently successful woman and potential partner. I never wanted to be at the mercy of a man for anything so I worked hard to make sure that I had my own for my partner from the very start. I've had this all planned since I was about 14. Again, I'm a type-a.

 

In answer to your question-I never got over it I accepted it. Still crosses my mind though from time to time.

 

 

LOL. Okay. Well at least you know yourself.

 

I'm type B lol, so it's so funny reading this. I do have Type A tendencies but I'm thinking that because of my ADD, many plans that I have quickly change and I don't really stick with plans too much. I did make it goal to have a degree, a good job, and good credit before marriage and children. And I've managed to do those things, but that's about it.

[RougeKali823]

If it works for you two then I say good luck.

[RougeKali823]

LOL. Okay. Well at least you know yourself.

 

I'm type B lol, so it's so funny reading this. I do have Type A tendencies but I'm thinking that because of my ADD, many plans that I have quickly change and I don't really stick with plans too much. I did make it goal to have a degree, a good job, and good credit before marriage and children. And I've managed to do those things, but that's about it.

 

Lol. Yeah, I'm a very by-the-book kind of person so if things are lined up just right I'm uncomfortable. So imagine my surprise when I fall for a man who's so not consistent with that part of me.