Grrrr..."pedophile"

[Fudgie]

Sorry, just a little rant here.

 

I've dealt with some negativity for the age difference in my relationship.

"He must be only into you for the sex" (we aren't having any)

"you have nothing in common" (I'm sorry, do you know his/my interests?)

"You have father issues." (uhm, okay)

"He's immature." (he's the most mature, stable man I know, next to my father)

 

Honestly, I can deal with that all and just let it roll off my back. But I can't STAND it (even though my boyfriend and I have been together for a long time) the "pedophile" comment. Saying he's a "pedophile" for being with me.

 

A friend was over and remarked it to my roommate today, because she asked where I was for Thanksgiving, I said "boyfriend's", and then she called him a pedophile. I told her I found it disrespectful and untrue, and asked her not to use it again and she just laughed at me.

 

I don't know why it bothers me so much. Am I alone in this? This is the one negative comment that I really can't swallow. Maybe it's because I actually KNOW pedophiles (a couple hit on me when I was a teen, I was grossed out) and they are CREEPY. I feel it's just so offensive to imply that someone has a sexual DISEASE because they are with me and that I am not able to be loved by him in a healthy way.

 

Last time I checked, I have large breasts/hips (not very childlike), and am often mistaken for someone a little older. I dress very conservative (everything covered up) and don't wear make-up. Last time I checked, our interests mesh pretty nicely too. I love sharing my time with him.

I'm confused...how is he a pedophile then?

 

 

Actually, I think I know why it bugs me so much though...

Whenever I hear "pedophile", I think of this man who tried to pursue me when I was 15. He was in his 30s. He worked at this teen social club that I volunteered at/played at. He was very attracted to me and told me so MANY times, I told him that I was under 18 and already had a boyfriend (at the time, my own age). He kept making advances and I got creeped out. Eventually, he landed himself in jail for some child molestation charge (he assaulted a 13 year old). For a few years, he sent letters from the prison to the club where I worked....LOVE letters to ME. I almost vomited. I really hate the word, and hate it even more when someone misuses it with my boyfriend. It's a very volatile word.

 

I understand the generalizations and assumptions, but I wish that more people would give us a chance to at least try to break those generalizations. A little respect goes a long way too. Don't judge someone so harshly and say that they have some sort of sexual disorder when you don't even know them.

 

Eh, okay, I'm done.

[newwave]

People will say what they want, even if it's wrong. From what I get from you online, he's with you because you are far more mature than the average person your age. Believe it or not I was the same way then so I understand. What I find disturbing are the men who actively seek out considerably younger women. You see it often on online sites with these guys wanting 18 year olds and they are 40. I'm sure those guys would look younger if they could.

[Fudgie]

Thanks newwave.

 

You want to know something really interesting that my boyfriend told me, early in our relationship?

 

I asked him one day "If you could be my age again, right now, would you?" and he told me no. He said that he couldn't go back to being young knowing what he knows now and having experienced most of life and no, he wouldn't ever want to go back and that he's happy with being where he is now and "slowing down" because it's a part of life. When I asked him what he'd change about his body, he said that he wants to be thinner but no, he doesn't want to look younger. He doesn't dye/do hair implants, thank goodness.

 

That to me was very telling. I really enjoy that he's happy with being older, had fun being a youth, and now just wants a quiet life and is happy to have me in it. I am most definitely not with him to "relive" it and I'm happy for that. He tried the drinking/partying at 20 and he said he grew sick of it quickly and never again. I am happy. I like having him be all mellow.

 

Those guys kind of creep me out too, newwave. I know my boyfriend was open to dating younger (since he chose me) but he specified women his age. He's dated a MUCH older woman when he was my age though, haha.

 

Some older men like to date younger women because they can "control" them. What a load of hogwash. I've been with a controlling boyfriend before and it was horrid (he was my age). I couldn't understand why anyone would want that.

[Ituhata]

I see you are 21 Fudgie, your boyfriend could be 80 (and slightly creepy) and it wouldn't be pedophilia. My sister actually dated someone when she was 16, and he was 27. we used to rag on him all the time, we called him Pedophil. But in this case, its actually true! (his name was phil, lol)

 

I don't see how someone can call him that unless they're jealous or hateful or...whatever.

[greywolf]

People that use the term 'pedophile' in that sense obviously don't know what it means. That annoys me too. Also, even hitting on a 15 year old isn't a pedophile. That's an ephebophile.

[Ituhata]

Yeah greywolf, I meant to edit but I'll just folow up, when I think of true pedophilia, I think of grown men actually trying to take advantage of children.

[OptomisticGirl]

It would upset me too. You are clearly over the age of 18, that term is used for men who go after under age girls. You are an adult, of sound mind, brilliant intelluct, are you sure this person is worthy of being called a friend? To have so little taste and judgement for someone who is suppose to be a friend... I couldn't take it Fudgie, I can only imagine what it's like having to live it. In the beginning CS and I had some issues with people calling him an axe murderer and I kind of laugh thinking about it now but back when we first started dating, it infuriated me.

[Fudgie]

He's 58, Ituhata. He's turning 59 in early spring.

 

Pedophil....LOL good goodness. That made me literally LOL.

 

I only have one friend who has met my boyfriend and he thinks he's great, a little "dull" he said, but definitely down to earth. He told me he was expecting to feel "creepy" and was surprised to not feel it. I've tried to see my boyfriend as creepy but I can't! He's brutally honest and transparent.

[Lowconfidence]

I hung around someone much younger but legal than me and boy, did I get a lot of heat from various people.

 

It seems nothing gets people more angry than seeing a much younger woman with a much older guy. If a situation ever arose where a much younger woman was interested in me and the feeling was mutual, I would forget about it because I couldn't handle all the negative remarks.

 

Fudgie, I don't know how you can handle your relationship with all the haters out there.

[Fudgie]

People that use the term 'pedophile' in that sense obviously don't know what it means. That annoys me too. Also, even hitting on a 15 year old isn't a pedophile. That's an ephebophile.

 

Yeah good point. You are correct.

(although he went to jail for molesting a 13 year old, poor thing, is that pedophilia?) I'm not sure.

 

It would upset me too. You are clearly over the age of 18, that term is used for men who go after under age girls. You are an adult, of sound mind, brilliant intelluct, are you sure this person is worthy of being called a friend? To have so little taste and judgement for someone who is suppose to be a friend... I couldn't take it Fudgie, I can only imagine what it's like having to live it. In the beginning CS and I had some issues with people calling him an axe murderer and I kind of laugh thinking about it now but back when we first started dating, it infuriated me.

 

Thanks OG *blush*

Unfortunately, many of my friends are like that. They won't meet him/talk to him/etc but they have told me that they expect wedding invites. Yeah right.

I put up with a lot of it thinking it will get better. I can accept that they don't like him but don't like the names that they call him.

 

CS...axe murderer...lol. Oh god.

[OptomisticGirl]

 

 

 

Thanks OG *blush*

Unfortunately, many of my friends are like that. They won't meet him/talk to him/etc but they have told me that they expect wedding invites. Yeah right.

I put up with a lot of it thinking it will get better. I can accept that they don't like him but don't like the names that they call him.

 

CS...axe murderer...lol. Oh god.

 

Yeah, I hope when that day does come they realize what donkey butts they have been. It is one thing to dislike someone and another to use a vulgar expression that isn't true. I can't believe she laughed when you asked her not too.. some people just don't have manners.

 

lol, I know right? He's like the most gentle person ever, can't even kill a spider...

[Fudgie]

 

Fudgie, I don't know how you can handle your relationship with all the haters out there.

 

I don't know but even in the face of it, I've never felt like backing down. I'd feel like I'd be letting them "win"...I love my boyfriend and can't just give him up because some people don't like it. But I can understand how the negativity gets to some people, I really do. It is hard.

 

Over thanksgiving, we ran out of juice and some veggies so we had to go out and get more. It was SO busy there (before thanksgiving) so no carts. He uses carts to lean on while he walks so instead of that, he leaned on me. He put his one arm over my shoulder and I wrapped mine around his back to stabilize him as we walked. normal, right? Apparently not. By the stares we were getting, you'd think I was carrying a Liger carcass instead of helping my boyfriend.

 

Of course, I can laugh about it now, haha. But the pedophile comment? *sigh* I can't shake that just yet.

 

In the beginning, it used to be SO hard. One of the first times we went out, we got a mean waitress who called him my grandfather, then sat us down, then pointed/whispered from the other side of the room and stared. I was so embarrassed. My boyfriend told me not to worry, he smiled and said "if they don't like it, they need to deal with it."

 

So I have gotten a lot better. My boyfriend handles these things well. I am learning.

[Firiel]

That really stinks, Fudgie. From what I've read of you and your relationship, it's the farthest thing ever from a creepy, pedophile relationship.

 

Do these people think all the sixty year old men who drool over Megan Fox are pedophiles too? Adults are attracted to other adults. It's completely normal.

[Fudgie]

I haven't a clue. As far as I can see, celebrities are ok to drool at any age.

My boyfriend has a soft spot for Alicia Silverstone and Julianne Moore. ("she's vegan!!!!!" he says about Silverstone), I prefer DiCaprio and Downey myself.

 

Perhaps the difference is actually HAVING a relationship with someone, I imagine.

[Cognitive_Canine]

People use the word "pedophile" incorrectly all of the time. Pedophile is specific to attraction to an child that hasn't gone through puberty.

 

People are just intolerant of anything outside of the norm but I think your relationship sounds healthy and you are a very mature and stable individual.

[simply]

It's one thing if you have friends giving an opinion for your best interest. It's another to just simply name call. Although I don't agree with how your friends approached this. I have to ask, what do you see for the future of this relationship? You're 21, your boyfriend is pushing 60. He doesn't have the same kind of future ahead of him as you do. As in, the two of you will be at different points in your life 20 years from now, assuming he doesn't die of old age.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's one thing if you have friends giving an opinion for your best interest. It's another to just simply name call. Although I don't agree with how your friends approached this. I have to ask, what do you see for the future of this relationship? You're 21, your boyfriend is pushing 60. He doesn't have the same kind of future ahead of him as you do. As in, the two of you will be at different points in your life 20 years from now, assuming he doesn't die of old age.

 

Annnddd that would be what Fudgie is talking about.....

[simply]

OptimisticGirl - Ok fair enough, dismiss the last sentence, but it's true non the less. It's this thing called "reality". How do you plan a future with someone who might not have one? Aside from what is considered "normal", this really is a concern. Fudgie will eventually want children, a house, all the things that come with any real relationship. The question she has to ask herself is, is this the right man to even attempt to have that kind of future with.?

 

So you, fudgie or anyone can take that anyway you want, but it's a realistic statement.

[Cognitive_Canine]

OptimisticGirl - Ok fair enough, dismiss the last sentence, but it's true non the less. It's this thing called "reality". How do you plan a future with someone who might not have one? Aside from what is considered "normal", this really is a concern. Fudgie will eventually want children, a house, all the things that come with any real relationship. The question she has to ask herself is, is this the right man to even attempt that kind of future with.?

 

So you, fudgie or anyone can take that anyway you want, but it's a realistic statement.

 

Fudgie doesn't want children. She practically lives with her boyfriend now and I don't believe wants a house either (just an apartment). And, I'm sorry but "real" relationship? A lot of people have alternative relationships that differ from the norm. I don't want a house and plan on being quite abnormal in our dynamics yet I would still consider it "real".

 

She's happy and her and her boyfriend see a future together. She's got about another 20 years (on average, he could always go more) with this man and who's to say a 21 year old guy she dates won't die in a car accident 2 years into their future.

[OptomisticGirl]

OptimisticGirl - Ok fair enough, dismiss the last sentence, but it's true non the less. It's this thing called "reality". How do you plan a future with someone who might not have one? Aside from what is considered "normal", this really is a concern. Fudgie will eventually want children, a house, all the things that come with any real relationship. The question she has to ask herself is, is this the right man to even attempt to have that kind of future with.?

 

So you, fudgie or anyone can take that anyway you want, but it's a realistic statement.

 

Fudgie doesn't want kids, which is one of the many reasons they work out. Will the end of their relationship come sooner than others due to death? Perhaps, but it's the same end all LTRs reach at some point: someone dies. It's an unavoidable end. You plan a future with their age gap the same way you do a 'normal' relationship: both people have to be on the same page. If we all avoided relationships because of the permanent end (death), no one would ever venture into one because no one is guaranteed tomorrow, whether they be a 60 year old man or a 20 year old man.

[simply]

um ok, a 21 year old dying in a car accident is slightly more tragic and unexpected than an 80 year old man dying of age related issues. Wouldn't you say? the difference is, she can see this coming as oppose to an accident.

 

Also bare in mind, she is still very young, what I wanted when I was 21, which, like her, was a very simple life, quickly changed in time. Perspectives change, as it does with everyone, either very quickly due to life circumstances, or all in due time. So basically, what she wants now, probably won't be what she wants 2 years from now.

[OptomisticGirl]

Fudgie knows what to expect when it comes to his health, her eyes are wide open and I admire her for her emotional maturity that it takes to be at the level she is at now. She knows he isn't in the best of health and that they won't have 50 years together, but the best reason is she LOVES him. Nothing else should matter. And I would say anyone dying is tragic. Young people drop dead for no reason just as well.

 

She won't be changing her mind about children, she can't. You might have had a drastic mind change but in this regard, Fudgie has a clear set path. She is in a healthy, happy relationship which is far more than I can say for over half the people on ENA right now.

[Fudgie]

Thanks CC, you hit it on the head.

 

I can't have kids (infertile) and don't want any. And yes, I'd like an apartment or one floor house. Something easy to keep up. No stairs as he has problems with those sometimes.

When I am working, he'll be retiring with a pension. He wants to stay home and cook/clean. He's so domestic. I'll be the bread winner. When he gets much older, I'll take care of him. He's happy to marry with me in the future when the time comes.

 

I don't quite understand the "real" relationship comment. All relationships are different and we're happy. I think considering how we handle distance/stress as a couple, he's awesome for my future, plus, our "timelines" work out. There is no checklist that you must follow to be in a "real" relationship.

 

My boyfriend has poor health but we still have a future, even if he doesn't have as many years left. He will probably go before me but I have accepted that by now mostly. But hey, I could be gone by tomorrow or in a car crash. I'm getting major surgery done, maybe that will do me in. I don't know.

 

All I know is that I really want to start my life with him and have him with me for as long as possible. In time, I'm determined to show the people in my life that we are like anyone else and maybe then we won't be pushed away as much by those close to us.

[Lonewing]

Fudgie, the sad reality is that we are in a country where "maturity" has been pushed further back, and as such, many of your firends still think of themselves like kids, or at least, when they think of old people and themselves, they think there's a divide. What they fail to realize is that the divide is one between that of childhood and adulthood, separated by the recent social invention called teenhood [recent, as in the last 50-70 years] and after one makes it accross that divide, it's a wide field. But alas, many people these days get accross that divide with the mindset that they are still children.

 

Which, if you watch how they act you might realize they really are still kids...in much overgrown bodies...

 

You let your friends know it bothers you, and if they don't take you seriously after a reasonable number of confrontations, you stop being their friend. NC. If they baulk, well, it sucks, but you cannot tolerate people in your life with a lack of maturity.

 

good luck to you!

[Fudgie]

OG, thanks.

 

Yeah I think anyone dying is a tragedy in a way. I never want to lose my boyfriend but I realize it will happen someday. That doesn't change anything in how I feel about him though.

 

There is no going back on kids. My ovaries are shot and don't work. I'm not much of a mother to kids and have poured my life into my work. I don't really want to adopt either...id rather have pets.

All my life I have wanted a simple family life. I love to work, then will come home to a man who loves me. Can't get much better than that. I want to care for him and in some ways, he cares for me now already. We complement each other. I don't wish that he were younger but I do wish for time. but that's why you cherish what you have today.