Grrrr..."pedophile"

[simply]

Fudgie - If you've really weighed in all the pro's n con's of this scenario and are still content on pursuing it, then I wish you all the best.

 

Lonewing - Would you be saying all that if it was your 21 year old daughter who brought home a guy older than you?

[Fudgie]

L onewing,

 

You're right, there is that "divide". Interesting. I've read somewhere that adolescence has been spread out into the 20s for some. Not for me but I can see the appeal to others.

 

I will give that friend another chance and maybe she will not do that again! She's a nice girl, a little boy nutty at times (she wants a boyfriend, I'm sure she won't have a problem, she's pretty and funny) and she just found out about my boyfriend recently (last month). Just gotta hope for the best.

[OptomisticGirl]

Lonewing - Would you be saying all that if it was your 21 year old daughter who brought home a guy older than you?

 

Considering the age of consent in the States is 18 I would assume anyone's parents wouldn't have a say in a person's happiness to be honest....

[Fudgie]

I've spent many hours pondering and yeah, I'm okay.

In the beginning, I had doubts but I took the time to work through them. Its ok now.

 

My father knew from the start. "Dad, how would you feel if I dated someone older than you." He told me he trusted my judgment and as long as the man treated me right, wasn't a perv, and I was happy, then he'd be fine with it or at least learn to be. He hasn't wavered. He just wants me to be happy.

 

My boyfriend is 6 years older than my father, 2 years older than my mother. Since I don't see people as "authority figures" solely based on age, it's not a big deal to me but it may be to others. To me, he's a man and my partner, my dad is my dad. Totally different things.

[simply]

Considering the age of consent in the States is 18 I would assume anyone's parents wouldn't have a say in a person's happiness to be honest....

 

No they wouldn't, but parents will be parents and will give their children opinions which most children never wanna hear(because they're mostly right) Parent's may not have the right to tell a 21 child who to date(depending on the parents n circumstances of course) but they can still refuse to support the relationship. As in, no bringing the boyfriend over for dinners, holidays or any other special occasions. They could not show up to the wedding, or help out in any way. (A bride having her father walk her down the isle means quite a lot to most women getting married).

[FathomFear]

It's one thing if you have friends giving an opinion for your best interest. It's another to just simply name call. Although I don't agree with how your friends approached this. I have to ask, what do you see for the future of this relationship? You're 21, your boyfriend is pushing 60. He doesn't have the same kind of future ahead of him as you do. As in, the two of you will be at different points in your life 20 years from now, assuming he doesn't die of old age.

 

If he were to die from natural causes ~20 years from now, then Fudgie could mourn and then decide how to proceed at that time. Life is short. We might as well enjoy each other for however long we have.

[Cognitive_Canine]

No they wouldn't, but parents will be parents and will give their children opinions which most children never wanna hear(because they're mostly right) Parent's may not have the right to tell a 21 child who to date(depending on the parents n circumstances of course) but they can still refuse to support the relationship. As in, no bringing the boyfriend over for dinners, holidays or any other special occasions. They could not show up to the wedding, or help out in any way. (A bride having her father walk her down the isle means quite a lot to most women getting married).

 

Frankly, if parents are going to act so childish, shame on them. They don't deserve a place in their child's life when they can't support the child's happiness and act like such children themselves.

[OptomisticGirl]

No they wouldn't, but parents will be parents and will give their children opinions which most children never wanna hear(because they're mostly right) Parent's may not have the right to tell a 21 child who to date(depending on the parents n circumstances of course) but they can still refuse to support the relationship. As in, no bringing the boyfriend over for dinners, holidays or any other special occasions. They could not show up to the wedding, or help out in any way. (A bride having her father walk her down the isle means quite a lot to most women getting married).

 

Parents aren't always right though. Let's face it, parents are coming from a place of protection. No guy is ever going to be good enough for daddy's girl, even if he was her own age. Parents can do their best to protect you but there comes a point where they don't KNOW what you want out of life. If Fudgie were dating an abusive older man than yes, her parents would have a right to be concerned. She isn't, and in that regard no, I don't think a parent has a right to stick their noise in it. And if a parent refuses to support their child.. well.. what does that say about them as parents?

[Fudgie]

Yeah I will figure things then. I will be ok, I know that. I would keep on going and keep on living. He always wants me to.

 

simply,

 

My boyfriend doesn't come over because, well, my father and I don't have my mom cued in yet. We are waiting. She's kinda stressed right now. She dated older when she was my age and her parents throw a fit and she swore it would be different with her children. We are waiting for a good time to tell her but she'll be fine. I know her. Just give her time.

I don't see him coming around anyway and that's fine. I split my holiday time between the homes and it all works ok. It would be awkward with my parents and everyone realizes that and respects it.

 

My father is willing to walk me down but I don't know if I'll have that. It symbolizes giving away. I gave myself away. Dad will always be in my life. I'll probably be taking care of him too and that's fine.

[simply]

Frankly, if parents are going to act so childish, shame on them. They don't deserve a place in their child's life when they can't support the child's happiness and act like such children themselves.

 

hmm...I wouldn't be so quick to call it a childish act. I guess you'd have to be a parent to understand how a parent thinks. Would'nt that be a safe assumption?

 

A parent may disapprove of the person their child falls in love with, depending on the circumstances, they simply want what's best for their children. If you had a daughter who was dating an abusive guy, would you support it? I highly doubt it. Your daughter could go on and on about how happy she is despite the occasional beating, would it be childish for that parent to react the way I mentioned last post?

 

Now, before anyone pulls a muscle rushing to the keyboard to tell me how different this scenario is, to that of an abusive relationship. It still boils down to a parents disapproval. A woman taking a beating from her SO can still defend that relationship to the death, so as a parent, what could you really do? Other than not support it. I've seen this happen first hand.

[Fudgie]

I've seen parents act so childishly and I feel bad for the kid, honestly.

 

I guess I'm lucky that my parents don't play cold shoulder because I'm not living up to a certain idea of me and my life.

 

My father always told me "we gave you life so you could have a life. Go choose your own way. We will be here for you but we won't be forcing you down a way. We have our lives. Now you have yours."

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yes, but the scenarios differ from a parents rational disapproval over an irrational and selfish disapproval.

 

And even in an abusive relationship, parents should never excommunicate their children and refuse to walk them down the isle. That is a childish act.

[Fudgie]

If a parent disapproved, they ought to voice it, then stay out of it.

 

If it's abusive, then I feel they do have a right to get more involved, as it's a crime.

 

I don't think it's right for parents to block out their kids just because their kids did something they didn't like.

[OptomisticGirl]

The difference is in one relationship someone is being hurt. Fudgie isn't. In her situation if her parents dissaproved yes, they would have that right, but not the right to tell her how to run her life. No, I'm not a parent but I'm a firm believer in everyone deserves to be happy. I'm sure the parents wouldn't like the child telling them how they, the child, thinks their parents live could be happier.

[Cognitive_Canine]

And, no, I do not believe you need to be a parent to understand how parent's think because there is no "parental" thought. People experience and express parental feelings/thoughts differently.

[simply]

Cognitive Canine - Wow seriously? so if your daughter was marrying a guy who abused her, you would support it? You honestly think any real man would walk his daughter down the isle knowing she's about to marry a guy who abuses her? Never happen in a million years with my kids. But that's just me I guess.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I would continue to support my daughter and recognize their relationship, yes. Doing anything other than that would only drive her into his arms and cause her to cut off her support. Abusive relationships start with destroying the partner's other means of support, by refusing to be there for my daughter (yes, on her wedding day as well), I'm just making it easier for the guy to control her.

[simply]

The difference is in one relationship someone is being hurt. Fudgie isn't. In her situation if her parents dissaproved yes, they would have that right, but not the right to tell her how to run her life. No, I'm not a parent but I'm a firm believer in everyone deserves to be happy. I'm sure the parents wouldn't like the child telling them how they, the child, thinks their parents live could be happier.

 

Again, read the last paragraph. It pretty much answers everything you just wrote here.

[OptomisticGirl]

Cognitive Canine - Wow seriously? so if your daughter was marrying a guy who abused her, you would support it? You honestly think any real man would walk his daughter down the isle knowing she's about to marry a guy who abuses her? Never happen in a million years with my kids. But that's just me I guess.

 

We also aren't talking about abusive relationships. Would a parent have the right to be concerned in that situation? yes. But ultimately, with or without the parent's approval, the child is going to do what they want, as is their right because it's THEIR life. Just because you have kids doesn't mean your kids forever and always have to do what YOU deem right for them. An abusive relationship is one thing, someone dating a much older person is another.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Again, read the last paragraph. It pretty much answers everything you just wrote here.

 

You didn't answer anything. You just claimed that people can't disagree with you because it "boils down to disapproval".

 

But the disapproval in fudgie's case would be irrational and childish. So, fudgie is still very much in the right and the parents are wrong (Hypothetically, of course, as Fudgie's dad approves of this).

[OptomisticGirl]

Again, read the last paragraph. It pretty much answers everything you just wrote here.

 

Then let me rephrase: a parent has the right to dissaprove of any relationship their child may have, but it is their child's life. Just as they the parent had the right to make decision for themselves, so does the child. Abusive relationship or not. i will never undertand a parent's thought process that because they are a parent to that child gives them the sole knowledge of what's good for that child or not.

[Fudgie]

I agree with you, CC. Abusive partners seek to cut their victim off from family. If your daughter was involved with such a man, you'd need to keep supporting her and keeping contact so she has you to turn for help. I agree. I think that's what being a parent is about.

 

If you yell at her and cut her off, then she will driven further toward the guy and thats bad.

[simply]

I would continue to support my daughter and recognize their relationship, yes. Doing anything other than that would only drive her into his arms and cause her to cut off her support. Abusive relationships start with destroying the partner's other means of support, by refusing to be there for my daughter (yes, on her wedding day as well), I'm just making it easier for the guy to control her.

 

Well I never said that parents should cut off their children completely. I said they shouldn't (and most parents wouldn't), show up to the wedding to support an abusive relationship.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well I never said that parents should cut off their children completely. I said they shouldn't (and most parents wouldn't), show up to the wedding to support an abusive relationship.

 

Doing anything like that is beyond petty and abandoning.

 

I would never talk to my parents again if they ever did that to me (or trust them) and most women would feel the same. It's a great way to destroy your relationship with your child, pulling a stunt like that. If you refuse to show up to the wedding, consider the trust and bond over.

[Fudgie]

I would. I would be there to support my hypothetical daughter, whom i'd always support, no matter what. She would need me there.