Is it EVER ok to date while you're still married?

[Fudgie]

Just wanted to throw this question out there.

 

For me, it's no, never. It still amazes me how many people out there are totally fine with it. There are dating sites DEDICATED to letting lonely spouses seek others out. It seems like so many people are just ok with betraying their spouse. It's kind of disturbing.

 

I bring this up because almost 3 years ago, a guy contacted me online on this site I was using. We started chatting. He had feelings for me but I? None for him. I then found out he was married (!!!). I was like "ok, bye now" and avoid him. He sends me about 1 email a month (for the past 3 years that's all heart-felt and saying how it's not so bad because he still "loves" his wife but the marriage has been dead for 30 years. So he'll stick with her but cheat behind her back? Makes me sick. I never reply but the emails alone make me laugh/feel queasy over what he does.

 

Today was the day I got another email.

 

The other thing is I know several women who are dating married men, some of whom still LIVE with the wives. (!?!?!) Of course they say it's all fine and dandy, but why aren't the guys divorcing?

 

I just don't see how ANYONE could ever be comfortable either cheating on their wife/husband like that (habitually) or being the other man/woman.

 

I don't believe it's right but I just don't see how they feel it is. How do they justify such a betrayal?

 

I just don't get it. I try to be open minded and know that others have different beliefs but this one is just beyond me.

[Suesser Tod]

What constitutes a marriage and what constitutes a divorce?

 

 

There are many reasons why people don't get divorced, even if they don't live together anymore and both of them don't want ever to get back together. Usually related to money, benefits one of the spouses gets from their job and wants their kids to enjoy them, etc.

 

I don't think there is a problem if they want to date, as long as both are aware that the marriage is a thing of the past and nothing more than a legal contract.

[DN]

Is it EVER ok to date while you're still married?

No, it isn't.

 

The only exception that I ever heard about was a man whose wife had early onset Alzheimer's. She was in a nursing home and had totally forgotten who he was. He was still in his fifties and eventually met someone else. But he didn't divorce his wife in order that he still had legal custody of her and could make sure she had proper care and was looked after. He visited her often and spent time with her even though she didn't recognise him.

[bar35]

I am not an advocate for cheating. I think that it really is mean to the other person. It usually represents that there is something seriously wrong in the relationship that people are not dealing with. Marriage is a very difficult commitment for some, and they should probably have not been married to begin with. Others know how to grow with others, and want to nurture that growth.

 

I for one do not want to be in a marriage in which dating were to be considered OK. I just don't see it.

 

So, long story short. No, it's not cool when married, it's not cool when you are exclusive, it's not cool when you are engaged. Just count your blessings with the person you are with and see where that brings you. That's whats important.

[dragon lady]

I don't see the problem if they're separated and not living together. In some places it's required that people separate for some set time before they're legally allowed to divorce. Lots of people start dating again under those circumstances and I don't blame them.

 

If they're married and are actually supposed to be together, then it's usually assumed that the other person won't be dating others. Don't make the mistake of thinking this is rare though. I've come accross many married men who have wanted dates, presumably leading to sex.

[itsallgrand]

Well, I think it is "ok" if the couple is and has been separated for a chunk of time. Not living together.

 

Though I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole. Except in some rare case, like what DN described, if I was interested in seeing a man who was still married - whether separated for years or not - I'd wait for the divorce. Too many opportunities for trouble there. (actually still involved with the wife, or still involved money-wise even would bum me out, the hard part of going through a divorce and how that would make most anyone emotionally unavailable full on for a time, etc. ).

 

Cheating - that, it boggles my mind too. I don't think that is ever ok.

[petite]

No, cheating is not okay. However there are couples who have an "arrangement" I guess it's a type of open-marriage. If it works for them it's their own life. I just can't see myself being that woman who accepts that sort of behavior.

[dancingcolors]

No. My ex was separated 5 years from his wife, when we met, and was going through the divorce/ He was going through it the whole time we were together, and when he finally got it, he left me, for someone new. I was his " get me through the divorce girl". he even admitted it.

 

I would never go out on a date with someone who isn't fully divorced ever again. Don't let it fool you. They are stiull attached to the marriage until they divorce. There is a reason they aren't divorced. You are just setting yourself up for heartbreak.

[d24]

i'd imagine their logic is somewhere along the lines of:

 

it's cheaper to have their cake and eat it than to give their soon to be ex-wife half their stuff and deal with all the other negative social connotations of being a divorcee whilst financially and socially trying to piece their life back together. Sure, divorce might happen after they find out they've been cheating, but maybe they won't find out and the cheater really will have their cake and eat it?

 

not condoning it, just thinking it's probably something like that?

[Miss Firecracker]

I don't know if it's right or wrong. But I wouldn't do it myself. If someone is separated and will not file for divorce, I don't want anything to do with him.

[Fudgie]

 

The only exception that I ever heard about was a man whose wife had early onset Alzheimer's. She was in a nursing home and had totally forgotten who he was. He was still in his fifties and eventually met someone else. But he didn't divorce his wife in order that he still had legal custody of her and could make sure she had proper care and was looked after. He visited her often and spent time with her even though she didn't recognise him.

 

So sad.

 

I agree, this has to be the only exception.

 

It just really boggles my mind how many spouses out there are going out behind their spouse's back and somehow try to justify it all.

 

I guess it's not so bad when BOTH people are ok with dating (getting a divorce soon) but I still wouldn't date someone in that position.

[redswim30]

I think the biggest exception to this rule is if you are separated.

 

Of course, some people have open marriages.

 

Some people decide together to stay married for the financial benefits or for their children, but date other people.

 

Plus, you do have the aforementioned example.

[metrogirl]

The husband is probably thinking "it's cheaper to keep her". That is why they don't divorce their wife. Imagine, having to lose half of everything because he couldn't keep it in his pants?

[DN]

I know it doesn't apply legall but I believe a marriage is over when people separate with no intention of reconciling. From then on it's just a matter of pwperwork.

[Batya33]

Married people can't date- they can only have flings and affairs. When I was dating I wouldn't date someone whose divorce was less than a year old because to me the legal status of being single was a big step - just like the legal status of being married is. Several guys who I declined to date called me after they had been divorced a year to see if I would date them and/or to tell me that I was right that although they thought they were ready since they were separated, they were not ready for a relationship. I liked Dr. Joy Browne's "one year rule" as a guideline.

 

I went on a few dates with a separated man back when I didn't understand the difference between separated and divorced. I was in my 20s, he was in his 30s He spent most of the night clutching me around the waist and talking about his ex wife. I know that's just one experience but even 20 years later I remember it well.

[dancingcolors]

I say, if someone isn't fully divorced, don't have anything to do with them. And maybe they should be divorced for a year or two. Divorce is tramatic, and takes a while to get over. I know, because I went my exs divorce with him, and I ended a casualty.

[AloneInDark]

No it's not OK to date while you are married. People choose to have affair rather than fix their problem at home.

[unknown100]

I agree that the websites available for married people to cheat (Ashley Madison), are sending a very awful message, though I think cheaters will be cheaters, websites or not. I find it disturbing the number of married people are on these sites, claiming they are in loveless/sexless marriages. I always wonder if they create the sexless-ness themselves, so that they can justify cheating to themselves. Cheating is a very selfish act - and aside from the cheating, it's the lying that kills me.

 

No - it is wrong for married partners to date, have flings, or affairs. Unless there is an agreement among the partners, it is a betrayal to lie, therefore it is a betrayal to cheat.

[Fudgie]

Ok, so i logged onto IM today (including the old account where I met that weird married man and stopped talking to him when I found out he was married) and look what scumbag is on! (HIM)

 

Right now he's IMing me, trying to be sexual. I'm not responding to that nonsense but I'm trying to dig more into his marital problems. normally I'd just block scum like that but I want to pull some more from him to see what else he can say to "justify" himself, for the sake of this thread. THEN I'll block him.

 

Here's what I got thus far:

"She won't have sex with me. She's OLD."

"I NEED sex. I still love her but I need to have my needs filled elsewhere."

"but she can't know because it would hurt her feelings"

 

(Ick factor right here)

"I always lie next to her at night and fantasize about someone else. What shall I fantasize about tonight?"

 

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW

 

I wish I could contact his wife and forward the chat logs where he's clearly trying to be sexual (but I'm not reciprocating and change the topic) and tell her "LOOK AT THIS DISGUSTING EXCUSE OF A MAN. YOU DESERVE BETTER."

[Fudgie]

Ugh, I just blocked him, I can't take it anymore. Too gross, too creepy.

 

He started proposing to be my "boyfriend on the side" (mind you, I met him years ago and began ignoring him then) and he's NEVER seen my pic or anything and now, out of the blue because I start humoring him, he wants to be my "other man".

 

Let's just say I tore him a new one and then I blocked him. Finally.

[Batya33]

Ugh, I just blocked him, I can't take it anymore. Too gross, too creepy.

 

He started proposing to be my "boyfriend on the side" (mind you, I met him years ago and began ignoring him then) and he's NEVER seen my pic or anything and now, out of the blue because I start humoring him, he wants to be my "other man".

 

Let's just say I tore him a new one and then I blocked him. Finally.

 

You have no idea if he is married, single or even a man so I'm not sure why you would be chatting with a man (if he is) who is a complete stranger when you have a serious boyfriend (at least, I think you do). Please be safe!

[Fudgie]

You have no idea if he is married, single or even a man so I'm not sure why you would be chatting with a man (if he is) who is a complete stranger when you have a serious boyfriend (at least, I think you do). Please be safe!

 

I met him years ago (before my boyfriend) on a forum and we got to chatting, just friendly. I didn't tell him anything about me. When he told me that he was married and intended on having an affair, I started ignoring him.

 

I sign into my IM accounts (which I rarely do) and he's there and he IMs me. I haven't talked to him in years. Now I lamblasted him, which I always wanted to do, really busted his ego and scolded him for trying to betray his wife. Then I blocked him. I hope that hurt! Gosh, I really don't like cheaters.

 

I'm at my boyfriend's house. I showed him the log and he's disgusted with the guy but thinks it's kind of funny how I told him off. Can't blame him.

[Batya33]

I met him years ago (before my boyfriend) on a forum and we got to chatting, just friendly. I didn't tell him anything about me. When he told me that he was married and intended on having an affair, I started ignoring him.

 

I sign into my IM accounts (which I rarely do) and he's there and he IMs me. I haven't talked to him in years. Now I lamblasted him, which I always wanted to do, really busted his ego and scolded him for trying to betray his wife. Then I blocked him. I hope that hurt! Gosh, I really don't like cheaters.

 

I'm at my boyfriend's house. I showed him the log and he's disgusted with the guy but thinks it's kind of funny how I told him off. Can't blame him.

 

It's funny - until he figures out who you are and confronts you in person or finds a way to harass you through email/phone, etc (or gets his friends to do that). Since you have no idea who this person is or whether any of it has any truth, why even risk that? Is it worth the laugh with your bf?

[Fudgie]

I doubt it. The old IM account I used isn't linked to anything (like facebook), or have any IRL friends on it, no one that I talk to anymore. He doesn't know my name, my state, or even age...just that I'm a female. Idiot offered up lots of info, like his phone number...haha.

 

I guess I'm kind of hoping that his ego got bruised and he'd consider that what he was doing is WRONG. What I told him was nothing short of the truth.

[Nidania]

I've been separated for 5 years. My ex-H is balking on the divorce paperwork. He wants more money.

 

I'm dating my current BF, have been for a year. I am not going to put my entire life on hold because my ex is being an idiot.