i'm getting absolutely nowhere. :-(

[SadAndy]

well folks, its me again. You can tell from my contant posts that i am in a bad way, and it isn't getting easier.

 

My long term ex of 14yrs had two long term affairs (one lasting 6 months, one lasting 18 months with one guy) and has now left me for another younger man, 12yrs younger. Shes 33, he's 21. We have a daughter aged nearly 8.

 

Everyday that goes by seems to be harder than the last. I had a wonderful day out on the beach with my daughter yesterday but it was sad because we should have been there as a family. I then also start thinking (i know i shouldn't but i cant help it) of what my ex is upto whilst my daughter isn't there etc.

 

Her texts to me, about arrangements for our daughter etc, used to be all fluffy containing lines like 'hope you're ok, , etc, but I decided a couple of weeks ago to try a LC 'polite but blunt' style, and now i'm receiving the same and for some reason (as the wronged party) it is upsetting me.

 

I can see and hear that she is so happy with this new relationship which was perfect in every way from day one, he worships her and her him, and whilst I don't think I could ever get back with her because of whats gone on in the past, i guess i just don't want her to be happy either. This is because i still love her and also because of what she has done to our family.

 

Their relationship together is so perfect that he is in the process of taking out a mortgage with her, having only known her for 6 months or so and lived with her for nearly 3 months.

 

Also, its been 11 weeks since our break up and i guess i have kind of realised that she isn't coming back. If she was going to miss me and regret her decision, she would have done it by now. Even she admitted that I had done nothing wrong in our relationship, i work hard, i love my daughter. Sadly, my ex never once came to me to say things weren't right etc, and that for me is the hardest part. How could I fix something that I didn't know was broken?

 

I am obviously very sad indeed and it just isn't getting any better.

Sorry for posting again, but i just need to vent and maybe hear your views again.

 

Thanks for your patience.

 

SadAndy

[Sparkly Eyes]

It gets better, give it time. Have you tried to move on at all? have you met any new women since your break? How old are you?

[SadAndy]

i've had 4 dates since the split and 3 of them were keen to meet up again, but i'm just not interested. They are nowhere near my ex!

The problem i have is that what i appeared to have with her and how she behaved was as close to my dream life as it was possible to get. Sadly, obviously, it was a lie on her part.

 

I cannot get over the fact that not only did she cheat long term but she found her ideal man 'soulmate', if you will, at the first go and is now living happily ever after.

I want her to regret what she has done and miss me but I just know she never will. She isn't that sort of person.

 

For me, there is one thing worse than being miserable and unhappy etc (like I am now) and that is pretending to be happy and have moved on. I am going out with friends etc but its all hollow as it isn't what I want.

 

I'm even having therapy but its not doing anything!

 

I'm 32 years old and just cannot bear to think about the future. She was my first love and I am just stunned at how she could be so cold and evil and yet come out of it perfectly happy.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. But it is very unrealistic to think that she is going to live happily ever after with this guy! she was with you for a decade and she left you, she has been with this guy for only a few months, who knows what is going to happen? In the meantime, you should try to move on, you deserve better. I know you feel like nothing will change. But trust me, even if you don't actively try to get healed, time will do it for you.

[ebik]

totally agree worriedgirl!

 

you dont know if she truly is happy.. or if she will be with this guy forever. and you wont ever have to know, coz you will have healed, moved on and found someone 100% better than this chick ever was!

[ebik]

you dont know when its going to happen, but as they say, time heals all! its different for everyone, but eventually you realise that it wasnt right, and you do deserve better! so we live in hope that one day we will find that!

really, hope is all we have! nothing is definite.

[SadAndy]

The problem I have (amounst many others!) is that I still have to have contact with and see my ex, when picking up and dropping off our daughter.

When I saw her last she looked really well, really happy (without rubbing my face in it) and sporting a great big love bite on her neck. She said that she wasn't happy about it when I said that she was acting like a fuc#ing teenager!

 

The thing is, she IS genuinely happy and everyone tells me that this guy is 'a lovely bloke'. SHE even told me that 'he reminds me of you at that age'!

Why she wants someone who reminds her of me I cannot understand but it really does seem to be the real deal.

Our relationship only went wrong as she had the affairs, rather than talking to me and it was HER that made so little effort since. Now she is making all of the effort it will go perfectly.

I know that it shouldn't bother me but i am right back at square one whilst she is already at the point we were at less than 6 months ago.

 

How can I get over it and start to heal when this constant reminder is always there? Its a nightmare and the longer it goes on the more 'final' it becomes that she doesn't want to come back and that is what really hurts.

 

Why doesn't she miss me? (selfish and childish question I know, but I can be honest on here.)

How after 14 yrs together and one gorgeous child did she not feel the 'responsibility' towards her family to make it work? I know I will never know, but just wondering what you good people think.

[SadAndy]

this is the first day since the split 11 weeks ago that I have had nothing to do and it is hell!

I cant stop thinking about her etc. HELP me please!

[Saffron_]

Woah calm down. It's ok

 

She's acting like a teenager now but it won't last. It never does. The high always always ALWAYS wears off.

 

Obviously you have to have some contact with her because of your kid but if you can try to keep it as restricted and cordial as you can, I think it'd help you right now.

 

She doesn't miss you because she's blinded by that rush you feel when you're right in the click with someone. Only time (and your absence) will tell if she'll miss you in the long run.

[Ms Darcy]

Woah calm down. It's ok

 

She's acting like a teenager now but it won't last. It never does. The high always always ALWAYS wears off.

 

Obviously you have to have some contact with her because of your kid but if you can try to keep it as restricted and cordial as you can, I think it'd help you right now.

 

She doesn't miss you because she's blinded by that rush you feel when you're right in the click with someone. Only time (and your absence) will tell if she'll miss you in the long run.

 

While I think it's not likely to last, it's not always the case that it doesn't. My bf's ex-wife left him for another man 10 years ago and she's still with that guy. Anyway, it won't serve your heart to focus on him.

 

You have been through a lot - it might be time to get into therapy.

 

I would also note that there have been troubles in your marriage all along. She'd been having affairs and that was really unfair to you. Essentially, she'd been looking until she was ready to leave, which is why it might seem like she's "over it." So, I do think it is very unlikely she'll come back. I would suggest you read the book "Uncoupling." Sorry bud.

[Saffron_]

Now she is making all of the effort it will go perfectly.

 

Perfectly for now. The real relationship dynamic hasn't had a chance to establish itself yet. No relationship is perfect. Whether or not this new one is better than your marriage remains to be seen.

 

I know that it shouldn't bother me but i am right back at square one whilst she is already at the point we were at less than 6 months ago.

 

It may seem like she's miles ahead right now but in another 6 months (seems a long time I know) you'll be in a much better place and as for her, who knows.

 

How can I get over it and start to heal when this constant reminder is always there? Its a nightmare and the longer it goes on the more 'final' it becomes that she doesn't want to come back and that is what really hurts.

 

Nothing is ever final! You were together for 14 years and split up. How do you know her decision to be with this guy or the next will be 'final'. As for the constant reminder, It might be an idea if possible to have some sort of mediator (a friend or family member) to handle drop offs and pick ups for a while just whilst you find your feet. And only speaking to her about matters relating to your child. No casual friendly chit chat for now. Just civil, straight to the point and brief. Your kid will pick up on the fact mummy makes daddy feel sad but so long as she sees you being civil it shouldn't cause her too much upset.

[Saffron_]

Also, its been 11 weeks since our break up and i guess i have kind of realised that she isn't coming back. If she was going to miss me and regret her decision, she would have done it by now.

SadAndy

 

A lot of people talk about regret. Dumpees always wonder when the dumper will regret their decision. Truth is some do and they let you know, some do and they don't let you know and some never feel regret. But if they are to feel regret, it usually happens some way down the line. 11 weeks must feel like a lifetime to you but in break up terms, it's nothing. It's a very short time.

[brokenheart41]

I'll be on Messenger on and off today Andy if you want to talk.

[Carus]

Hey Andy* ~ Me again....

The thing is, she IS genuinely happy and everyone tells me that this guy is 'a lovely bloke'.

As you know our stories are very similar minus the child involved...

 

I too got the 'He's a lovely guy' and you know what that made me think?

 

"Well he'll probably get chewed up and spat out nice and easy then"....

 

I know you love your ex as I did mine, and a byproduct of rejection is 'Pedastalling' the ex.....But from an outsiders perspective, your ex is a real piece of work and the guy she is with now is in for a world of hurt....or she is when he turns 23 and still wants to go partying with his mates...Travelling even maybe....

 

Once again, becoz our ex's went stright into newly wedded bliss we felt we had to do the same....but it doesn't work that way unfortunately...

 

Our ex's KNEW that they were working towards leaving therefore they are well equipped to move on to what appears to be straight away...whereas for us, the shock hits like a tidal wave....

 

Therefore we are well advised not to try and rebound too hard as it can just make things worse.....(I've actually just split with my 2nd or 3rd rebound for these very reasons. I need a bit more me time...however if the right one comes along I am far enough along now to nurture that).....

 

Maybe you should also try and stick to posting in this thread. It will help us keep an eye on you and also help to keep an intact timeline.....

 

Sending You Strength Bro*

 

Ever Forward

K2*

[cdog]

Hey sadandy, what your going through is absolutely terrible. The thing that makes it all the worse is that it was your first love, the first cut is the deepest as they say. You're still a young guy though and you deserve someone who is loyal to you. While the relationship with your ex may not have lasted, you have your daughter and that relationship will last your entire life, so be the best father you can be!

[SadAndy]

I have tonight had a conversation with the wife of the guy that she was cheating with who took it very well.

 

I am now finding out the truth, my ex asked this guy several times to leave his wife! She denies it but the cash figure she had available is very similar to what he has claimed.

I wont know until I wake up in the morning if this will help me detach myself form what is an evil, calculating, manipulative,nasty woman or whether I will still see her at her best and 'want to believe' and still miss her. I hope not!

 

I also texted my ex tonight to 'warn her' nicely that this guys wife now knows and is unimpressed and I got a lovely message back about how she is disgusted with herself for what she has done and all that. This guys wife has been forwarding the texts that my ex has been sending her and the tone is her true colours coming out, trying to wriggle out of everything and not mentioning me once. She doesn't know that i've been seeing them.

 

It should be so simple now to hate her but i bet I end up struggling. God only knows what the new bloke (the 21yr old) is making of all this. She said that she told him about the affairs but I bet she didn't give him the full gory details!

 

Thanks for all of your lovely comments. They really are a great help. keep em coming!

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks for all of your lovely comments. They really are a great help. keep em coming!

 

You should read Uncoupling.

[brainfog]

Andy,

At some point you're going to know this was for the better. Do you really want a woman who you can't trust and sleeps around? Once you are farther away from this you will agree the answer is no. You're better than that, you deserve better too.

 

Please stop focusing on what the new bloke and your ex are up to, I know it's really hard. Really concentrate on your daughter and improving your own life.

[Live-N-Learn]

You should read Uncoupling.

 

Just order the book and am excited to get the chance to read it. I have heard a lot of good things about the boo on this site. Hope it helps my recovery and moving on.

[Ms Darcy]

Just order the book and am excited to get the chance to read it. I have heard a lot of good things about the boo on this site. Hope it helps my recovery and moving on.

 

Yeah, I think it will help you and the OP. For the OP, to have a spouse who cheated twice is classic for someone who has been wanting to leave but was too afraid to do so all at once. I hope the OP orders it too.

[brainfog]

I must disagree somewhat with you Ms Darcy,

Some people cheat just because they are selfish, all along wanting to stay in the relationship.

[SadAndy]

i have just had a text from my ex to this woman forwarded to me in which she states 'my situation is different, i don't love Andy anymore'. Not what I wanted to hear but at least I know there's no chance of going back now so that should ultimately help the recovery.

 

I suppose my ego is hurt more than anything that after all shes done, SHE is the one who doesn't love me anymore!

 

I know it would never work with everything thats happened so maybe its for the best hearing that.

 

I still hope that her new relationship crashes spectacularly though!

[Ms Darcy]

I must disagree somewhat with you Ms Darcy,

Some people cheat just because they are selfish, all along wanting to stay in the relationship.

 

Sure, but then she actually left. The people who cheat and don't want to leave don't leave.

[SadAndy]

to be fair. She only left once she had found a replacement. She was quite happy to cheat etc in the meantime.

 

What I think happened was that she flirted etc and got caught out by 'feelings' for this new bloke/boy.

 

Still a very shallow and selfish woman as she did nothing to make the relationship work.

She just wanted all the attention etc without making any effort and yet here I am with sod all squared whilst she has the perfect set up for the future.

[Ms Darcy]

Still a very shallow and selfish woman as she did nothing to make the relationship work.

She just wanted all the attention etc without making any effort and yet here I am with sod all squared whilst she has the perfect set up for the future.

 

You just need time to catch up and then at some point you will be ready to move on and date as well.