i'm getting absolutely nowhere. :-(

[Etoile]

Hi Andy

 

I have been reading some of your posts and I'm truly sorry to hear about what happened to you.

 

I know your question is about where is a good place to meet women but can I just ask are you sure you are ready to date again? I'm only saying that because of reading your posts. You are quite naturally and understandably very emotional at this time. Up and down, angry, sad, hurt confused and it has been such a short time since you broke up. I know that you are now resigned to your ex having left you but you could find it really difficult to get into a new relationship when your heart is not in it. I think you have mentioned and sorry if I'm mistaken that you have tried dating already and your heart wasn't in it then. What makes you think it will be different this time?

 

My ex left me for someone else two months ago and although I've also come to the very painful realisation that he is not coming back I know there is no way I'm ready to date again (let alone trust anyone Perhaps this is an individual thing, maybe you are ready, if so I apologise. I'm not trying to lecture you. I would suggest that you spend your free time doing new things. Think of something you have always wanted to do e.g. bungee jumping, cookery classes etc. Try to widen your circle of friends. You could try meetups. Do a google search for social groups within your area. Reclaim your identity. Doing new things and making new friends may be a very good way to meet women. If you want to do this then choose things that may be more female orientated i.e. learning a language, perhaps volunteering.

 

Hope this helps

[Carus]

Hey Andy*

 

Just me dropping in to see how you're doin'....

 

I'm going to have to agree with Etoile here....You are still in too much emotional turmoil to jump straight into a new RS....

 

Maybe go out, meet some girls, have a bit of fun, but please do NOT try and replace your ex and what you guys had....It will not work....

 

I've been through it and it is being fueled by the fact your ex went straight into another RS (like mine) but just be patient and spend a bit of time to yourself...

 

You are trying to walk on a still broken leg......

 

Srength To You Brother*

K2*

[SadAndy]

You guys are right (as always!)

 

I'm not ready to date seriously but I need to know that there is life out there for me. As my ex was my first love and I didn't cheat on her, I need to know I can still interact with the ladies!

 

Also, you never know when 'the one' will come along, might be sooner rather than later! (see the change, positive thinking!!!!)

 

Take care guys, and thanks once again for your support.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm with you Andy, you certainly don't always get what you deserve, not sure what my ex is up to, but no doubt she'll be enjoying a nice long bank holiday weekend with some guy, while I've just finished a good cry. God I hope Karma is true. Don't worry for 1 second about the 11 weeks bit, I'm 9 weeks in.

 

I just want to note that Karma isn't some force to punish people for their wrongs. It is more of a philosophy that indicates that actions result in a series of related reactions. Basically, nothing "bad" may come to her. It doesn't do you well to hope that for her.

[SadAndy]

well, 12wks today since the split and just as i thought i might be getting somewhere, BANG!

 

I started thinking about the new guy. I know you will all say 'don't think about him' but its easier said than done.

I now am on a really big downer on myself. Compared to me, the new bloke is fun, exciting etc, compared to me who obviously, after 14yrs, became boring etc.

 

Also, my little girl is being 'palmed off' left right and centre by my ex and that hurts me and there is nothing I can do.

From a stable, happy home she now sees me once or twice a week and spends more time with her Nan than her Mum inside of 6 months all because of my ex.

[SadAndy]

i know i'm covering old ground but I am REALLY struggling today. I don't like weekends normally as thats when most of the memories are at their strongest but I normally snap out of it on the Monday.

I am in BIG trouble today, not sure why, but all I keep thinking of is the ex, how happy she is now, how I miss her and how contented I was with what I had less than 6 months ago.

 

I have started LC, texting only about our daughter and even went as far as to text last week that 'I will always see her as the person that took my daughter away from me and that I will NEVER forgive her for that' and also 'its not just the bloke who had the affairs wife who hates you now'.

 

These are both true statements but now I feel so lonely (pathetic I know) and isolated as she has clearly got over me and is having a great time. I have tried to

Convince myself that it may not be all rosy but trust me it is. Also making it worse, is the guy who had the affairs wife has forgiven him and now apparently he is boasting about it on Facebook.

 

I know I need to get over her but the further 'down' I go, the further 'up' she goes both in my mind and in real life.

Its only been 12 weeks so her new relationship should still be going strong but it seems so solid that I can never see it ending.

I need to believe it will end to assist my recovery at this point. (just to accept the fact that shes really gone and loves someone else.)

 

I wish I could be 'put to sleep', I really do!

[Mustachio]

A couple things... you are assuming she is so happy now. Dont. I know its next to impossible to put it all out of your head, but its really not important, only your own feelings are.

 

Second, if you really want to go NC, well LC in your case because of your daughter, you dont want to be sending anything to her that could come off as emotional... it will not get you the response you want and it will only make you feel worse.

 

Now, I got this advice many many times and it helps a bit. You need to realize that your feelings will go up and down, they will come and go. You feel like crap right now sure, but you werent always feeling this down, and I would venture a guess that even in the short 12 weeks it has been so far, your mood has improved over time. Take the bad with the good.

 

Also, if you are really feeling the way you mention in the last line and you truly dont think you are getting better, it might be time to see a counselor/therapist. They can be very helpful.

[SadAndy]

thanks for your reply. You are right that in the 12 weeks I have improved but I am just really struggling that after 14 years she could just walk away.

 

I know it sounds arrogant but 14 years and she doesn't give me a second thought. Trust me, i know her. Look at her track record of cheating to see that remorse and concience don't work in her case.

I have accepted that she is a terrible woman for what she has done but the thought of her moving on so soon without a care in the world hurts.

She is the sort of person who, if something is difficult or if she may be to blame, can just forget it and move on. She has the ability to do this even when 'fantastic new boyfriends' are not in the picture.

 

Re the last comment, i just cannot see life ever getting back to a happy place as I will always be reminded of how well she has done. I cannot ignore my mind, i wish i could!

 

I just want her to experience the pain and hurt that she has caused, nasty of me i suppose, but true.

 

Thanks again for all of your concern.

 

 

SadAndy

[orchidrose]

Re the last comment, i just cannot see life ever getting back to a happy place as I will always be reminded of how well she has done. I cannot ignore my mind, i wish i could!

 

I just want her to experience the pain and hurt that she has caused, nasty of me i suppose, but true.

 

I know people have said this in other posts, and I know it's WAY easier said than done, but you need to try to beat back some of this negativity! As mustachio said, you're assuming that she's blissfully happy in her new relationship. This may or may not be true, but ultimately, it doesn't matter. You have to look out for yourself and your daughter now. Her actions are none of your concern. You've made post upon post and thread upon thread obsessing about her actions, and that obsession is what's keeping you in this dark, sad place. You need to start letting go of that anger.

 

In regards to your life never getting better - that's just the pain talking. Of course it will get better; time heals all wounds. But I guarantee that if you keep running around in circles, spending all of your time being jealous of what she has, your life will pass you by and may not be nearly as great as you'd like it to be.

[SadAndy]

You've made post upon post and thread upon thread obsessing about her actions, and that obsession is what's keeping you in this dark, sad place. You need to start letting go of that anger.

 

In regards to your life never getting better - that's just the pain talking. Of course it will get better; time heals all wounds. But I guarantee that if you keep running around in circles, spending all of your time being jealous of what she has, your life will pass you by and may not be nearly as great as you'd like it to be.

 

I know what you are saying is true but for some reason I just cant let go. I am having counselling but its not really helping.

 

I don't know how to snap out of this I really don't. I hate feeling this way, I am usually a happy person but this has just taken it all out of me. Added to the fact the way she went about it and who she had the affairs with means I cant even escape from it whilst at work.

 

For the record, even I am getting bored of me now so god only knows how you good people are putting up with me. Part of me STILL cant believe that shes gone.

 

Is 12 weeks short enough to still be feeling like this or should I have snapped out of it by now. It took me 4 years to start to fully get over her first affair and then this lot all came out about 6 months later.

 

I feel i'm doomed!

[Mustachio]

SadAndy, I want to relate my story to you just a bit... there are definitely some similarities. Granted, I was not with my ex for 14 years, and granted we didnt have a child together... But I was with my ex for just under 7 years, I got together with her, like you, right when I turned about 19 years old. She was my first real relationship, first sexual partner, really first everything. The same wasnt true for her, and as I found out later, about 3 weeks into the relationship she cheated on me, then 4 months in, she dumped me for another guy only to come back to me two weeks later... yet continued an affair with him for months afterwards. Then cheated with another guy, and then another guy. Took me probably 3 years until I was really at a point where I wasnt thinking about it or hurt by it, then after we had been together for over 5 years, she hooked up with my best friend, then 6 months later, she hooked up with my other best friend. After a rocky last year together she ended up leaving me for another guy, getting back together with me, cheating on me with him, then with another guy and finally leaving me for this last guy.

 

That was 8 months ago. The hardest part for me was accepting the fact that the idea I had of her in my head was incorrect and that the feeling that we would always be together no matter what was just plain dumb. I went through a lot of the exact same things you went through, periods of sadness, despair, anger, pain, etc etc... it was there all the time to the point that it was overwhelming. I never thought it would end, I felt like I was going to be stuck in that state forever. Slowly though it becomes less and less, there really isnt much you can do except things for yourself... and you should, use it as an opportunity to better yourself in some way, take your mind off things, and eventually these thoughts will fade, and you will come out better for it.

 

Now to respond to a few things you wrote in your last post. You say because of who she cheated with you cant escape it... well (and I will get flak from others for this) but my two best friends my ex cheated with are still my two best friends and have since become my roomates. You make a choice to get past those things or to make a change, but choosing to dwell is not a good option.

 

And finally, 12 weeks is nothing, after a 14 year relationship (14x52 = 728 weeks) I think its perfectly natural to feel this way, each person deals with things differently, but after 3 months I can tell you I was still in agony every day because of my breakup. And it wasnt until about the 5-6 month mark where I really started to just feel ok most of the time.

 

I have since met someone else and we have been dating 3 weeks, and have a lot of good things going on in my life... but my ex is still in my thoughts every day, but in a different way.

 

Its a long trip, but you will survive. And if you havent yet, Its probably a good time to make a choice to do some things for yourself.

[SadAndy]

Wow! Thanks Mustachio,

 

You would not believe how much your post has reassured me. Just sorry that you have had to go through this level of pain to be able to tell me.

 

I was just thinking, why am I suddenly feeling really depressed about this. Its been 12 weeks and yet today it feels like it has only just happened.

Your post explains it perfectly and reassures me that I am at least normal.

 

Did your ex show any signs of being upset over the split. According to mine, she cried everyday for the first two weeks, intermittently for the following three (when she briefly asked me back. Briefly being for less than 24 hrs until she changed her mind again!) and then nothing since to the point where she looks and sounds really happy.

 

Did your ex continue to see the new guy and if so are they still together? (just me being nosey i'm afraid!)

 

Thanks again for a wonderfully enlightening post, I shall keep re-reading it, as I do most of the replies to my threads, and it will help immensely.

 

One final question, do you hate your ex for her treatment of you or is it still too soon. I can safely say that 70% of me still loves my ex, 90% of me is hurt and 80% hates her. I know these add up to more than 100% but just trying to convey how strong each of these emotions are.

[Mustachio]

Well I appreciate the condolences on what I had gone through, but to be honest I have mostly made peace with it, and you will too on your situation.

 

You feel bad now just because it happens. Things come and go in cycles. Feelings are not linear, the best thing to do is to just accept that it will come and go and that if you felt better before you will feel better again.

 

Yes my ex has shown signs of being upset after the breakup. At first it seemed like no remorse, and for a while after I did all the classic mistakes of begging, crying, pleading, bargaining, etc... which only served to piss her off. Finally, I heard from her on my birthday, which is near the beginning of January, and she told me she had spent all of new years eve crying to her boyfriend about me (which was almost 4 months after the break). Whether or not she still feels any remorse or still thinks about me, I dont know, I havent had any contact with her in probably 3 months. A lot of the remorse she showed I think was to assuage her own guilt which is probably the same in your case.

 

I am 99.9% positive that she is still seeing this guy. Mainly because I dont think she is capable of making herself happy outside a relationship and I am almost certain that if things didnt work out with this guy she would be knocking down my door telling me how much of a mistake she made, etc etc. Last I heard, I checked her facebook page because a friend of mine was curious about her and her page said she was engaged. I have since blocked her.

 

And in response to your last question, no I do not hate my ex. I resent the things she did to me and that she played off my weaknesses for her own gain and to make her feel better about herself and her weaknesses. She used me. And after I realized that what I loved wasnt so much her, but rather the relationship itself, it became easier to distance myself from her. I can say for certain now that I do not love my ex. Hate is very strong, so I wouldnt say I hate her, but I am still hurt and as of right now, I have almost no desire whatsoever to have her in my life in any way shape or form.

 

Just remember this, your relationship doesnt define who you are as a person, you do. And you managed to survive for 19 years before you met her, and even though a large portion of your life has been with her, a larger portion remains and you will do just fine on your own, and you will probably someday meet someone who you love just as much (ok more) who does not do any of those things to hurt you.

[SadAndy]

Oh no!!!!

 

NEW FEELING THIS LAST COUPLE OF DAYS!!!!

 

Over this weekend I have been really down. I've kind of had a relapse and realised that it is all now very real and very final.

She is happy, she doesn't want to come back and I couldn't have her back. Once again I am mourning 'what I thought we had'.

 

It all came to a head this afternoon whilst walking around a DIY store that I had been 'rejected, got rid of surplus to purpose, dumped'.

It has really kicked my self confidence which was at close to zero anyway.

 

After 14 yrs I meant nothing despite giving her my absolute best. Whether its her loss or my gain doesn't stop the pain.

I am getting somewhere, very slowly, but this has been a real step back. i've since been told by a friend that she is genuinely happy and happier than she has been in a long time. This sucks as she never bothered to tell me anything was wrong.

 

Talk about a heart not breaking even, we're talking 95%,5% in this case. I was hoping more 60%/40% but there you go!

 

 

[SadAndy]

aarrgghh!

 

I knew this day would come but hoped it would be later rather than sooner.

I've just been walking through a shopping centre and there they are coming the other way hand in hand.

 

I must admit that my overriding feeling having just stared into her eyes is one of revulsion at what she done to me. Definate sadness but mostly anger at how its all going so well for her. She actually looked alot dumpier/fatter than the vision in my mind but when I looked in her eyes there was nothing inside.

Her look was one of smug arrogance.

 

Why oh why cant this perfect relationship blow up for her? She has only had two relationships in her life, with me and this guy. Why can't she have a dose of reality and have this one go wrong?

I know its early days but it looks like the real deal.

[SadAndy]

well its over 3 months and i am missing her more each day. Is this part of the healing process or am I going backwards.

 

I would have her back tomorrow and totally forget everything that shes done. How weak am i?

[brokenheart41]

You are NOT weak. Everything you feel and go through I feel the same way. A break up is one of the most painful things a human can go through. You've been with this woman for 14 years! It will take time to heal and it might take months if not years.

 

Also, stop dating women: the only reason why you are doing that is to numb the pain, find a substitute for your ex and feel wanted again. You want to be happy just like your ex but you can't. You are hurting now and in no shape to meet/find a partner. You must feel your pain and only start dating when you're healed, something you are not right now.

[Saffron_]

well its over 3 months and i am missing her more each day. Is this part of the healing process or am I going backwards?

 

You're not going backwards. The time it takes for the grief to ease differs from person to person. For about 6 months after my break up I was an absolute wreck. It was the lowest time in my life so far and it didn't matter how much people told me things'd get better. It's not what I wanted to hear, I wanted the pain to be gone right there and then but nothing would shift it. I still had bad moments a year down the line, but by that time they were just passing moments. It gets worse before it gets better.

 

I would have her back tomorrow and totally forget everything that shes done. How weak am i?

 

Not weak at all. Such a common response on here. Once again, I felt the same way you did. I wished he would take me back and I told myself I'd forget all that had gone on. I even begged him to give 'us' one more try (on more than one occasion). Now that is weak! But I don't give myself a hard time about any of that cr@p now. I was vulnerable and hurt and I didn't have my best thinking head on.

[SadAndy]

Thanks SO much for your kind replies. I half expected to get mocked!

 

This is awful. I saw her yesterday and that has put me right back to square one. I don't agree that she is a nice person, quite the opposite, but it just hurts so much that I no longer have a family.

All of this pain and loss is as a result of HER and SHE is not suffering at all so why I am grieving her I don't know.

 

But I am.

 

Also, and I know i'm getting boring but things are going so well for her that it is merely adding to my depression. Sort of rubbing my nose in it!

 

I want out of this, NOW! Please!

[SadAndy]

Please help!

 

Today is 13 weeks since the split and I have yet to fully sleep through 1 night.

Here I am in the middle of the night and I cant sleep. I have this loud sound in my head (like symbols crashing) and I just cannot stop thinking about her, night or day.

 

I have tried to stop thinking about her over the last 13 weeks, i have not physically spoken to her for 8 weeks, only communicating by text about our daughter but this is so hard.

 

Having to listen to my little girl constantly begging things like wishing wells etc that 'Daddy will come home' is heart breaking. I mean absolutely nothing to my ex, i do not even enter her head as a thought, after 14 yrs together in which SHE is the one who has made the mistakes and yet comes out of it ok.

 

If it were not for my daughter, i would have ended things already. I just cannot see a future without my family, i really cant.

 

Why is this not bothering the ex? If I did nothing wrong, why then is she not missing me one bit? Why is she chosing not to see the effect on our daughter?

 

This is tearing me apart. After 13 weeks i really do feel back at the beginning, if not worse as my ex has obviously just 'got over' me like that.

I know that you are going to say that I don't know that she doesn't think about me. Trust me I know! She would have texted me or contacted me or something but when we split up she didn't even make an effort to fight for our relationship. She was just so excited about this new guy (who she now loves and thinks is perfect) that she was willing to just give up like that.

 

Please can I have your views on whether what I am feeling is normal after a long term, first love break up or whether I need serious help. I have had 3 bouts of counselling but they haven't really helped.

I don't really want to contact my doctor about this as it could seriously jeapodise my job which is about the only thing i've got left!

Is 13 weeks still 'early days' or should I be alot better by now?

 

 

Thanks friends.

[JohnTheMan]

i'm 10.5 months deep and still fighting for my life. its gonna be a long road. i'll tell you one thing for sure, its better to not receive any form of contact than false hope. my ex seemed obsessed with trying to keep our friendship... so i feel like a POS cause she can so quickly change things to friendship when i lived my life for her. don't assume anything either. she may not be contacting you simply because she knows that is the only way for both of you to heal.

 

like you, i wanted to just end things after losing my ex to another man. i didn't want to live without her. i loved her so deeply. BUT i had obligations to my family as well. i dont have a choice, i have to be here. time for rest will come, just not now. there are a few things i think are very true and helpful through this kind of situation...

 

1) what does not kill you only makes you stronger

2) self improvement helps in many different regards

3) pple who do wrong to you have their own problems and that in itself is karma

4) karma is as real as it gets

5) your happiness is the best revenge and leverage

 

there are a few more, but this should get you started...

[michaelhopes]

Yes, 13 weeks is still "early days" considering what you've been thru......The worst is over and now you have to endure the slow grind and it will probably take a few months to feel a lot better. Also I wouldnt be surprised if some bizarre stuff happens in the future like her new relationship falls apart,she wants you back, but you dont want her back.etc.

[Carus]

13 weeks..?? Man dont remind me....!

 

At 14 months my life is still a mess from the fallout, but at least that terrible pain that I know you are feeling has subsided...

 

I recommend you try some EMDR therapy....I get mine at the local hospital and it helped with the initial shock and trauma to my nervous system....

Because I must warn you mate that I know where you are and can tell from your posts that you are in danger of a complete meltdown....

 

At least you still have a job....I lost mine.....

 

John has a great post above and I bet he knows exactly how you're feeling too....I'm just not so sure about karma so much anymore....

 

My ex is blissfully happy in her new RS a year on now and I am still alone and healing from it....But that is just due to my own inaction and demotivation, not karma......I hope you see my point....

 

And lastly, you seem to confuse your ex 'thinking about you' to 'coming back'....Of course she thinks about you. Just not in the way you would like.....Physically she can never forget you even if she wanted to....It's all imprinted right there in her brain.....

Just seems her brain is a bit dysfunctional right now

 

I can still remember a girl I went out with in HS 35 years ago!!...We only went out for 2 days but I can remember her looks, her hair, her name etc....

 

We say to you to not think about her and focus on you. Of course this doesnt happen instantly like a light switch, but it is very important to try and do it little by littlle....

 

Your situation is straight out of a R rated Horror Movie Andy but keep strong and do what needs to be done....Eat. Try to get sleep when you can....Oh and divorce that ASAP!

 

Regards

K2*

[brokenheart41]

Yeah, feel you all. Sometimes I wish ENA had a chatbox or something in which we can chat directly with each other.

[SadAndy]

why is it, after everything she's done, that I am the miserable one who is devestated and feels like he has lost the love of his life and no-one will ever come close?

 

The truth is that I have got rid of a lying, manipulative, long term cheater who made no effort. She, meanwhile, has lost a kind, committed, family orientated, gentle person who gave her everything and yet she feels nothing.

 

I do believe that i deserve better, infact i know i do, but this has shown me that you do not always get what you deserve and you CERTAINLY do not reap what you sow!