i'm getting absolutely nowhere. :-(

[Carus]

....yet here I am with sod all squared whilst she has the perfect set up for the future.

'sod all squared'...lol...I like it.....

 

And the 'perfect setup for the future' you reckon...?

 

As you heal Andy I hope you will still pop in to update this story, because I will bet you 10 burritos this new RS of hers with a 21 year old is a train wreck waiting to happen....

 

My ex got EXtremely lucky with the rebound thing which is shown to me by the fact they are still together now 11 months later...(they actually are a good match and it is no longer a 'rebound')....But yours, well, talk to me in 12 months time and we'll see whats going down then.....

 

In the meantime, stay strong, take care of you*

Regards

K2*

[AutumnBorn]

Andy, if what you're doing isn't working for you, do something new.

 

What have you done to change your life? Are you socializing more? Have you joined any groups or sports teams? How have you bettered yourself? I mean, other than getting her out of your house; let's hope the head follows soon. You have to start living your dream without the nightmare. She's poisonous and there's no anti-venom.

 

You are so incredibly lucky to be away from her. You do realize there's no happy ending with anyone as long as she's in the story, right? You said she was selfish, shallow, and, basically, immature. Why else would she be interested in a 21 year old? They don't have enough life experience to know she's dangerous. Poor kid - he's in the line of fire and doesn't even know it.

 

Think about this: If, when you met her, she had been wearing a sign with a summary of all the crap she'd put you through later, would you have chosen her as your mate?

 

Somethings that have helped me have been writing affirmations and repeating them aloud, then making a list of all my ex's worst qualities and attributes, and a list of things he'd done to me that should make me happy he's gone. My goal was to come up with 20 reasons. I stopped at 152 and came up with a couple more over the next few days. It was incredible seeing it there in my hand, every insult to my intelligence, every lie in which I caught him, every infidelity, insult, and stupid, selfish, thoughtless act that came to mind. It helped me believe I deserved better and more. You should do this, too.

 

I'm off to NYC for a business trip. When I get back, I'd like to hear that you made your list. Can you do it?

[SadAndy]

i will make another list, promise. I did make one but then i deleted it!

 

I'm struggling a little with the 'I don't love Andy anymore' comment, to be honest as she knows everything she did was wrong (affairs etc) which were in the other texts and yet SHE doesn't love me.

I did everything for her and tried everything to make the relationship work and yet SHE doesn't love ME anymore. Kind of sticks in the throat that one!

She is so into this new bloke and doesn't appreciate what I did for her. If she did, she would realise that the reason she 'fell out of love' with me was because of HER own actions. But no, she fell out of love with me and the actions were as a result apparently. Five years of 'actions'!

[SadAndy]

well folks, its as i thought. I'm a mess today and really down. Will this pain ever end?

[Live-N-Learn]

well folks, its as i thought. I'm a mess today and really down. Will this pain ever end?

 

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know how it is to have good and bad days. I went through it for 3 months post breakup.

 

I have only started to feel better once I accepted that it is over and truly let go and moved on. You really should cut her out of your life so that you can heal. Then in time you will start to feel better and better.

[shessofly]

i'm so sorry you're going through this andy. things will get better in time. admittedly, it will not be anytime too soon, but it will get better. try not to beat yourself up too much or compare yourself to that guy. take this time to do some self reflection and improve or even "find" yourself again. not for her, but for you and your future. again, i'm so sorry.

[brainfog]

Her actions are not a reflection on you. She's the one who did the wrong. Now, just be angry at her or feel sorry for her because of her immature behavior. But please stop beating yourself up. You must stay strong for your daughter.

 

At a later time you can start thinking of what you can do to NOT let this happen to you again. Just my thoughts today Andy.

[SadAndy]

I am trying not to take her behaviour personally but when I know deep down that I did nothing wrong (except maybe respect her less once she had had her first long term affair) it is quite easy to accept.

 

When she then texted me how she should have 'probably ended it a while ago' (probably when she started the second affair) and that her new bloke 'makes her realise how wrong things were between us' it makes it hard to take.

 

Honestly, all of this was created by her decisions not to talk about any problems but to have affairs and yet not only has she ended up with her 'perfect man' but she cannot really accept that it was all her doing!

 

Whilst not 'bigging' myself up, even if I did lose respect for her after the first affair, how many men would have stayed together and tried their hardest to make things work?

 

I'm guessing not many, maybe just the stupid ones like me!

Having made all of this effort and still she wasn't happy, how can I not take this personally?

 

Thanks again for all of your comments, you would not believe how much help they are being.

[Rotxsen]

My dear if he's move on that fast all I gotta say to you is "what goes up goes down" karma will strike and when that times happens you will not even notice it because hes a thousand miles away from your heart.

[SadAndy]

I so want to believe in karma, i really do!

 

Whilst there is a fair chance of it crashing in the mid term future due largely to his age gap being 12yrs younger than hers (he=21, she=33), the question once again is how I get through that period of time to the point where she IS a thousand miles away in my heart.

Its currently only 11wks and it feels like hell!

[brainfog]

You say:

When she then texted me how she should have 'probably ended it a while ago' (probably when she started the second affair) and that her new bloke 'makes her realise how wrong things were between us' it makes it hard to take

 

I say:

And you believe this to be true. She's been dishonest with you before Andy. How do you know she's not rewriting history to make herself look better in her eyes and her friends and family. I went through the same type BS about 7 years ago, once I stop blaming myself I realized the only reason she said those type things was she got caught.

[SadAndy]

oh I totally agree! Really i do.

 

She is a classic at re-writing history to suit herself but I suppose i'm still trying to blame myself, maybe i hadn't looked at it that way.

 

Trust me, she will eventually come out of this as the victim.

She has already accused the guy she had the affairs with of 'taking advantage of her'.

 

I'm also struggling with jealousy about how well its panned out for her.

I think you may have helped answer my problem. I have a right and wrong, black and white sort of view and i suppose deep down i expect the 'good guy' to win everytime and the fact that she has 'won' makes me believe that she must be the 'good guy'!

[Rotxsen]

See the thing about karma you can't control it you can't wish upon it when you move on and lose contact you will eventually find out even if it happened to them years ago I have a great example if you wanna know.

[SadAndy]

I'm really really struggling today. I've found out a load of new stuff about my ex and the bloke she had an affair with. It now appears that my ex is planning to marry her new bloke, this is less than 5 months after meeting him.

 

I know it shouldn't get to me but everyday something else seems to come out of the woodwork and kick me right in the nuts.

 

Why is everything going right for her? It makes me really sick.

The interesting thing is that at least my feelings are more angry than hurt. Still hurts like nothing i've ever known.

[Rotxsen]

Well there's nothing you can do is her life her choices you gotta deal with your own load for now.

[snoopydog]

Oh trust me, that relationship of hers is so unlikely to stand the test of time; they so rarely do when the woman is much older than the man. It's a law of nature hardwired into a man's brain over millions of years of evolution. Next time you are feeling despondent ask yourself how special she really is to have cheated on you twice and then left you for another man, all whilst she has a family with children. My friend, you can do so much better, you just have to believe. May you find the way.

[SadAndy]

Thanks for your lovely comment. I do know deep down that on paper I am better off without her and her new relationship should struggle, but knowing my luck it will all work out perfectly for her.

 

The fact that the age gap is so large, she has told him about her affairs, he's taking out a mortgage after knowing her for only 5 months and they are planning ongetting married so soon should ring some alarm bells. But at the moment it all looks so perfect for her that it is making my recovery very hard.

 

The main trouble i have (and is probably the same for most on here) is the fact that the relationship really wasn't that bad and she has wrecked something that didn't need wrecking.

 

Only she knows why she made the decisions that she did but it could have all been so different..........

[brainfog]

Hate to say it but your relationship was bad. Did you want to live your life wondering if your unfaithful wife was cheating on you again, years down the road? Like snoopy dog says, you can do so much better. I think you deserve better too.

 

Someday you'll find someone better. I wouldn't go out looking quite yet, but someday.

[SadAndy]

i DO deserve better, without a doubt but if this has taught me one thing its that you don't always get what you deserve.

 

Once again, i am sat here in tears (pretty poor for a guy, especially 11wks on) having lost everything that I ever wanted and missing my little girl like crazy whilst the ex has behaved in this manner and is really happy thinking 'life gets better, i should have done this years ago'.

 

I and especially my daughter don't deserve any of this and i am feeling worse by the day when things are going from strength to strength for my ex.

 

I am sorry to be repeating the same thing but this pain is unbearable and compounded by the fact that i'm missing my gorgeous little girl more everyday. Seeing her twice a week is no substitute for seeing her everyday, all thanks to one heartless woman whos life is perfect.

 

I really don't know how much more I can take.

[SadAndy]

The latest development was a text I sent in response to one from her stating that 'she will always be the person who took my daughter away from me and that I will NEVER forgive her for that' and 'that the wife of the guy she had the affair with is now not the only person who hates her'. This will now start severe LC.

 

It seemed a good idea at the time but for some reason, although I should hate her, I now feel really low.

Why can't I be strong enough to accept that she isn't coming back and that I do hate her for what she has done to me, my family and countless others?

 

Once again, i'm feeling like sh&t whilst her perfect life steam rollers on, I bet she hasn't even given a second thought to my text and yet here I am boring you fantastic people with my thoughts as once again I feel in the wrong.

 

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Carus]

Why can't I be strong enough to accept that she isn't coming back and that I do hate her for what she has done to me, my family and countless others?

You ARE strong enough mate....With ever minute that ticks by and every breath you take you ARE accepting it.....

 

It is slow and painful and seems like you are not getting anywhere but lets liken it to doing weights....

 

You go to the gym reguarly to do weights...But you yourself dont notice that you are getting bigger....But then you run into someone you haven't seen for 2-3 months and they state: "Oh have you been working out?"....

 

The same can be said about healing....You THINK you're not getting anywhere, but you are mate....you are*

 

Also, I brought this over from your other thread:

 

Your soul is now hanging over the fires of Mordor, and boy do I know how that feels....I was there for months before they took me down and laid me in a bed to start healing.....

 

And so.....as hard as it is....You are now going to have to rewire your entire system.....this takes focus, strength and a lot of work.....

 

My point being that, you are still focusing on what SHES doing. How SHES feeling. How SHE'S looking...etc etc.....

 

Need to turn it around buddy....

 

What do YOU need to do now..? This is now about YOU.... What steps do YOU need to take now....

 

Rewiring our brains and sense of self is probably the hardest thing a human spirit can go through....But you CAN do it....You NEED to do it....and you need to start NOW!!

 

Mornings are still the worst for me. One thing I found that helps is when I get up with those fking thoughts running around I sing songs instead....Fill my head with lyrics....then think about what I need to do over the next few hours.....Whatever it takes to get those thoughts out of there!! And yes, this is after 10 months now.....so dont delay*

 

Its hard...not impossible...takes what seems an eternity....But entirely nessecary....

Do you see it...?

 

I spent months hoping and praying to a god I dont believe in that it was just a rebound....however, they are still together 11 months later and I am still alone and recovering*

 

My point there is: If you are waiting for something to happen to them, then even one day will be too long*

 

Stay Strong Bro*

K2*

[SadAndy]

having finally taken on board what you good people (and friends at work) have said about my ex's life not being as perfect as my mind would like me to believe, i have just heard some news (that I already knew) about them applying for a mortgage together (after being together 4 months) and for some reason it has got to me again.

 

I know Kalgan and others on here quite rightly say that I need to focus on myself which I was doing, and even managed to convince myself that the ex may not be as happy as i think, and then BAM!

 

They must be pretty happy together to be taking out this mortgage and talking seriously of kids and marriage but after such a short space of time it all seems too perfect which annoys me.

The hurt she has caused so many people and yet she gets away scot free makes me so angry!

 

I am starting to see the plus points of a life without her but why cant she suffer some of the pain that she has caused?

Whatever I do in my life, in the short term anyway, will not come close to the happiness she has acheived as she found it of her own free will whereas I have had this situation forced upon me.

 

None of this is what I wanted. And I still cant get over the fact that she loves someone else. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere.

 

 

 

Rant over!

[Carus]

Rant Starting

They must be pretty happy together to be taking out this mortgage and talking seriously of kids and marriage but after such a short space of time it all seems too perfect.....

There is a good reason why it seems all too perfect mate, because in reality it is a ticking time bomb...

 

The Stages Of A Relationship:

A) Honeymoon stage

B) Reality stage

C) Burnout stage

D) The Crash

E) The Breakup/Salad stage

 

....man I hate that salad stage lol

 

But yeh, they are deeply entrenched in Stage A.... Ironically it is the best lovliest stage, but unfortunately when you probably make most of the biggest mistakes as high emotions make you overlook a lot of things....

 

Humans have been conditioned to look for quick fixes and short term happiness, but this is usually detrimental as the longer term takes over...

I am starting to see the plus points of a life without her but why cant she suffer some of the pain that she has caused?

Ah that old chestnut....Yeah man, THAT has been a real sticking point in my healing. And thankfully it seems to be subsiding now....

 

I still cry because I miss her and the life we'd built, AND I am still disallusioned by the fact she really did just move on with the new guy, but I dont really wish her any ill will....I am trying to work my way towards complete indifference....That is when I will have won this battle and I will have my peace*

 

Oh and you should change the title of your thread to "I'm going to get there step by step"

 

Ever Forward*

K2*

[stu1973]

I'm with you Andy, you certainly don't always get what you deserve, not sure what my ex is up to, but no doubt she'll be enjoying a nice long bank holiday weekend with some guy, while I've just finished a good cry. God I hope Karma is true. Don't worry for 1 second about the 11 weeks bit, I'm 9 weeks in.

[SadAndy]

after my ex's behaviour and the fact that she is making it painfully clear, in an arrogant way, that she is long since over me (11wks after 14yrs, not bad on her part!) I have finally, relluctantly, worked out that she simply isn't worthy of me being upset over. I still am but about losing the dream and the way she stitched me up etc.

 

The next phase of my recovery concerns getting over the fear of never meeting anyone who would even come close to what I thought I had.

These boards have shown me that there are many, many lovely people out there, but my question is where?

I have tried internet dating but wonder where else I might find women.

 

I'm in the UK on the South Coast (just incase anyone on here reads my posts!)