brainfog

Well it's been 4 months now. i've heard nothing from you. My birthday has come and gone. I guess any anger I had is gone most days, just dealing with loneliness and wondering if I'll ever find someone as compatable as we were. We were compatable right, or was that all in my head? I still hold a glimmer of hope that this time away can straighten things out, make you think clearer and for me to not take you for granted. I don't know though, could it ever be the same again? Hope life is treating you good,I miss you

Why do you have such a grip on me? Why can't you get out of my head so I can make some real life changes for ME. I feel strong for awhile and then the memories come back. my thoughts for our future resurface. I start questioning everything all over again. I start to wonder what's wrong with me. You said this was going to be best for both of us. I am not seeing it!!!

Do you miss me yet? Do you think you may have been just a tad impulsive with your decision? Do you think I was right about finding a way to solve your problem and keep our relationship strong? This is sad for me to say but I lost trust in you and I'm not sure I could take you back. Sorry

You knew what my kids went through with their mother. You knew how it hurt them. You did an excellent job of showing them what a real woman was. You were kind, yet tough with them. You showed them respect and offered them advice and compassion when they needed it. I told you many times how they were lucky to have you as a mother figure. Those kids loved you. I know they did. Lately they both have had dissapointments in their lives that I wish you would have been around for. You always had a way to make things right. But now you're gone, just like their mother. You couldn't even say good bye to one of them. I know you must have had your reasons for leaving but I need you to know that you hurt all 3 of us. Not just me.

I worked in your town today. First time in years i've worked there. It's such a confusing traffic pattern town and very flat. I never liked that about your town, not much charm. Perhaps I have tons of misdirected anger, to be honest people are nice enough though. So you were within miles, maybe blocks of me today. Not the 70 miles we've been apart for the past 2 months. To be honest I scanned the traffic for your silver car as I drove through. I am kind of glad I didn't see it. I never tried to look for your new place you gave me the address to, it would be like stalking. It wouldn't solve a thing, it wouldn't change history and it wouldn't bring you back..

One of the last things you said to me was to find someone else. You were crying on the phone when you said that. Did you really mean it? Why were you crying, was it because it was hard to leave even though it was your decision? I felt sad for you. You've left me in a state where I can't find someone else. I feel so rejected and unlovable. Every woman I see as a potential mate just makes me anxious and I feel somehow beneath them. I used to walk with a confident gait yet now i feel so stiff and uncomfortable, as if everyone can tell I'm unhappy and lonely. The anxiety at times is awful. I need pills to sleep some nights. If only your reasons made sense to me could I move on. If there was another man or you fell out of love with me it could make sense. Maybe that's what it was, It would have still hurt but I could go on from there- understanding it all. I think you lied to me when 4 years together deserved the truth.

It was 8 weeks this weekend that you left. Somewhere I heard that about the 8 week period you may decide to come back. But nothing from you. I don't know how you are, if you're financially ok or if you miss me at all. I hope the company of your family is helping you. I am angry at them for accepting you back without a word to stop you from doing this, they knew how much in love we were yet I think they are selfish to have you with them. I wonder if you found someone else in that town I hate so much. I wonder so many things all day long, but most importantly is why you left me this way. We were good together, we could have found a solution, we could have moved closer and I would have commuted. It appears you found the solution without me. I would be lying if I said I was doing good. I spend most my time alone. I try to work extra hours to keep my mind occupied. Sometimes it helps. I still love you and can't imagine anyone else for me. Will you please come back........