Is it wrong to NEVER want children?

[Sanesoul]

That is like why your daughter ISN'T a snotbag

It is funny but sometimes the people who don't like kids much tend to be the type who would make good parents, with intelligent kids. Good you crossed over! lol

 

Lol, thanks. You might be right there

[Seraphim]

You betcha. I had a rough, rough childhood and it's shadowed my life and subsequently, how I raise my child.

 

I do not tolerate poor behavior from my child, although I am very loving. I do gush about her from time to time, but I'm so damn proud of her.

 

I think this all stems from your own experience as a child, which is completely understandable.

I just hope that in time you will be able to give children in general a chance (not having them, but knowing them). You may find that you can have a fulfilling relationship with a child.

 

I think that is more the issue than kids themselves.

[Fudgie]

I have no doubt that my experiences have shaped my outlook. However, I decided not to fix them. Why? Because I didn't want kids.

If my experience colours me so that I may never have children and have the strength to push through all the criticism, then it's fine.

I don't think it can be fixed in the future though. It's just so ingrained.

 

I am not sure if I can change but I'm thinking it's not possible, given my mindset.

 

But you can find me in a nursing home any day.

[Dako]

I got fixed when I was in my early 20s, so I never had kids.

I've never had to defend my choice and I like little kids, just as I like puppies. At 57, I often wonder if I missed something.

 

Did your BF have kids?

[Seraphim]

You do not have to want kids. But why not fix situations that cause you grief?

 

What is so special about old people? To play devil's advocate here and believe me I love old people and worked with them for a number of years, what is so special? You have to help them dress, you have to help them bath, they drop their food all over, sometimes you have no clue what they are talking about. They can be demanding and loud and obnoxious.

[FathomFear]

It's perfectly fine not to want kids. People can and do change over time, though, in both directions. Just keep your mind open and don't be surprised if the attitude changes at some point in the future. It might not, of course, but it often does.

[Batya33]

You do not have to want kids. But why not fix situations that cause you grief?

 

What is so special about old people? To play devil's advocate here and believe me I love old people and worked with them for a number of years, what is so special? You have to help them dress, you have to help them bath, they drop their food all over, sometimes you have no clue what they are talking about. They can be demanding and loud and obnoxious.

 

I agree with all of this and the rest of Victoria's suggestions and insights to you. I don't hope you change your mind about having kids - I am impressed with and respect a woman who is willing to say confidently that she does not want kids. But your reasons for not wanting kids - some of them point to broader issues that you might want to work on -- because just avoiding being around kids or not having kids isn't really the answer.

[Fudgie]

I got fixed when I was in my early 20s, so I never had kids.

I've never had to defend my choice and I like little kids, just as I like puppies. At 57, I often wonder if I missed something.

 

Did your BF have kids?

 

No, none of his own. He was married once to a woman (his age) and she had 2 step kids. They divorced and he got the kids and raised them. Now they have families and have moved out of state. Sadly, the ex wife got cancer and died.

 

He said it was a lot of work and didn't much enjoy it. The marriage lasted for over a decade and he wasn't happy with it. But he did love his stepkids, and now he likes hearing about the grandkids, and seeing them once in a while.

 

You do not have to want kids. But why not fix situations that cause you grief?

 

What is so special about old people? To play devil's advocate here and believe me I love old people and worked with them for a number of years, what is so special? You have to help them dress, you have to help them bath, they drop their food all over, sometimes you have no clue what they are talking about. They can be demanding and loud and obnoxious.

 

Because I feel that it's people that give me grief. My disliking of kids doesn't give me grief, but people give me grief about it. So I figure if I wait long enough, people will leave me alone about it. Trust me, I don't lose sleep over my intense dislike of kids.

 

I have always loved old people. They are treasure troves of stories. I love hearing their stories. I like their eccentricities, their habits, the personalities. Kids have a way to go with personalities in my mind, but with an old person, it's all there! I love to talk to them.

It makes me sad because society often treats them like crap. They are looked down upon and forgotten in nursing homes. I am a hospice worker. Changing them, feeding them, medicating them, talking to them, and taking care of them while they die has been a part of my life. Yes, sometimes it's gross, but I never find them "annoying"...even when other people do.

Some people never find kids annoying...well, I have amazing tolerance for old people. I've never met one that I didn't like, and trust me, I've taken care of MEAN ones. Even though they may be somewhat "out of it" and are yelling at everyone for no reason, I still feel bad for them and want to help them.

 

I love seeing how time and experiences change a person and makes them into what they are. I have learned so much from being with old people. And I don't always see them as "authority figures"...I just see them as PEOPLE. People who are coming to the end of their life and I bet that can be scary, so that's why I want to help them.

 

Now, I am with someone who is 37 years my senior. Part of the reason why we mesh so well is because I'm comfortable with older people and understand the aging process. He sleeps with a CPAP. He has bowel troubles. But I have been around this for most of my life so it feels normal to me.

[Seraphim]

Well kids are people too, not just old folks. And voicing your intense dislike is always going to bring you grief, so it is disturbing your life whether you see it or not.

[Fudgie]

Well kids are people too, not just old folks. And voicing your intense dislike is always going to bring you grief, so it is disturbing your life whether you see it or not.

 

As I said twice before, I DON'T voice my intense dislike to people outside of my own family, who don't give me grief. I am getting grief from others SIMPLY because I don't want kids. They have no idea I dislike them. I'm sure if they did, they'd give me more trouble.

 

So no, it doesn't give me grief. Just people who can't seem to stand the thought of others NOT reproducing.

 

Kids have a lot of growing up to do. I have no desire or interest. I don't see them as complete, whole PEOPLE yet because of the stage they are at.

When they are 18+, then maybe.

[Seraphim]

The thing is though not everyone is going to agree, in one ear and out the other basically. Just do not listen. Not everyone is going to respect your decision, that is the way life goes. I am sure in some instances you do not respect the rights of other people. People do it all the time. When I hear stuff I do not want hear I generally say " uh huh....OK well that is nice" and find a reason to excuse myself and go on with my day. Really it should be no issue to them whether you have no kids and it should be no issue to you if they have 15.

[Fudgie]

Well, I wish my family's friends could do what you do. I'd love for them to just go "oh hum" and leave when I tell them politely I don't want them. But they aren't doing that...

 

It's all just happening because 2 girls in that family are getting ready for marriage. I grew up with those girls. They are around my age and now the family is bothered because I don't want any and somehow, this disrupts everything. They think everyone should have kids and because I grew up with them, then I should too.

 

They are the type of family who is very controlling and weird. My family isn't that way, but unfortunately, we are connected to them and they know our business.

 

I don't understand...

[Seraphim]

If they are controlling and weird then why are you there? Just do not go there, do not open your opinion open for debate, if they pester you then just walk away. You do not have to get into a big involved discussion about it. You are free to walk away and not discuss it and not get aggravated. It takes two to tango. They can only disrespect your opinion and argue with you if you participate, just stop doing that.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I guess.

 

I don't go there a lot, but I do see them at my home. They are essentially a part of the family. We go back a long way...one of the women was my nanny, another a club leader, etc.

 

It's sort of hard to avoid them and trust me, I've tried in the past.

[Seraphim]

Well it makes the most sense. They can not argue with someone who has nothing to say or walks out of the situation. I also bet if you do it enough times they will stop doing it. If you argue your own position and come off as defensive most people will argue theirs right back. Basically there is no point in that. Just let it lay. Not everyone is going to agree with you or respect your decision and that is just life. You CAN control YOUR reaction to it though and do not let yourself get all tied up about it and aggravated.

[Fudgie]

I don't mind If they don't agree. I just wish they wouldn't nag so. I've put up with a lot of their crap over the years and haven't said a word. I put up w/ a lot of crap at college too. I guess I am just sick of having crap thrown at me. (Sorry for lack of a better word)

 

I think I will just try to change the subject when they talk about the babies again. Or just avoid them a lot, more than I have been doing.

[Seraphim]

That is the answer, you can only control yourself. (and no my son is not young he is almost a teenager now and my other child died before he was born)

[Fudgie]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

 

My mom lost a child too and it has really affected her in ways that I don't really understand.

 

My sibs are teenagers now. Kind of scary to think about really...time flies.

 

Btw, sorry about the harsh words before. I got myself worked up and well, yeah, I sounded harsh. Hope you can forgive me.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Honestly, you don't know. No one ever knows where life will take them. I think it's far more mature to say 'I don't think I want kids, but who knows' rather than 'I absolutely do not want kids' when you are at such a young age. Because, frankly, things change. And recognizing that change and accepting that change makes life a lot less stressful. I think if you were less absolute about your stance and more 'open' to having kids, older persons wouldn't dismiss your view as immature.

 

I think it's perfectly fine to have kids. But, most of the time, people just don't know at your age. Recognizing that is a mature perspective.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think it's perfectly fine *not* to have kids, was what I meant to say.

 

Some of my friends never want kids. They all have different reasons. Who's to tell someone else that they must reproduce? Typically people who intrude on others' reasonings haven't paid enough attention to their views.

[Day_Walker]

Anytime that you go against what certain people think is the norm people are going to question the decision that you are making. That is just how people are but the fact that youre getting defensive about it, is only making the situation worse.

[Fudgie]

I know most people my age are fickle and change their minds often.

 

What people don't seem to understand is that my life is being set in place. I have a serious much older bf. I am infertile and don't ovulate. I am going into a profession that will basically consume my life in school for another decade.

 

I am not like other people my age. I'm tired of people saying I'll "change". Saying that "someday", I'd want to party, drink, smoke, be WILD, then grow up, become Christain again, want to make a family. Well, none of those have come true for me. I don't even remember the last time I went to a social event.

 

If I'm old enough to have a child, then I believe I'm old enough to decide not to have one.

As soon as I'm old enough (mid 20s maybe? Gotta find a willing dr), I want to have a hysterectomy. It will help with my PCOS but it would be a liberating thing for me.

[Sanesoul]

I would suggest just telling them you are infertile and be done with it.

[Seraphim]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

 

My mom lost a child too and it has really affected her in ways that I don't really understand.

 

My sibs are teenagers now. Kind of scary to think about really...time flies.

 

Btw, sorry about the harsh words before. I got myself worked up and well, yeah, I sounded harsh. Hope you can forgive me.

 

NP, take care.

[Night Pumpkin]

Someone (actually a lot of people all together) took the time to care and raise you, so you should pay it forward.

 

Just imagine being forgiven of a huge bank loan that you couldn't repay and then not wanting to give any money to the homeless guy you pass on the street.