Is it wrong to NEVER want children?

[Fudgie]

Honestly, I think the pregnancy part sounds a lot worse than having the kid. I think once you have him, you'll feel a lot better and your body will go back to normal.

 

Kudos to you for working hard and having your own health insurance. I know some people our age who got pregnant and they are not doing as well, but I'm glad that you are. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

 

It's just not for me. It may be for some, but not for me.

[Sanesoul]

Honestly, I think the pregnancy part sounds a lot worse than having the kid. I think once you have him, you'll feel a lot better and your body will go back to normal.

 

Kudos to you for working hard and having your own health insurance. I know some people our age who got pregnant and they are not doing as well, but I'm glad that you are. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

 

It's just not for me. It may be for some, but not for me.

 

I will admit, my pregnancy was a nightmare. All-day sickness for 3 months, and then the killer migraines began. By the time those dissipated, I was too huge to get comfortable. My daughter had hiccups constantly in the womb, so I would have to pee every half-hour. Not to mention that my system is still messed up to this day. I had to have my gall-bladder removed.

 

That all said, would I go back and change it? No way. It was hell, but so worth the end result.

[Fudgie]

This is what I don't understand: How can pregnant mother's bellies differ SO much in size?

 

My professor's baby is due in 10 days and she's small. It's a belly bump yeah but like, it wouldn't be hard to hug her, or for her to drive. She is still wearing her same pants, but different shirts. And then some women's bellies get REALLY big and then it's uncomfortable for them...it's such a variation!

 

I know pregnancy can change your body for good. Because of my PCOS, if I were to get pregnant (unlikely) I have a high risk of developing gestational diabetes, and then having diabetes afterward forever. I couldn't imagine...

 

Honestly, if you feel all that is worth it for your child, then you'd probably make a very good mother.

[Sanesoul]

This is what I don't understand: How can pregnant mother's bellies differ SO much in size?

 

My professor's baby is due in 10 days and she's small. It's a belly bump yeah but like, it wouldn't be hard to hug her, or for her to drive. She is still wearing her same pants, but different shirts. And then some women's bellies get REALLY big and then it's uncomfortable for them...it's such a variation!

 

I know pregnancy can change your body for good. Because of my PCOS, if I were to get pregnant (unlikely) I have a high risk of developing gestational diabetes, and then having diabetes afterward forever. I couldn't imagine...

 

Honestly, if you feel all that is worth it for your child, then you'd probably make a very good mother.

 

 

It's because women differ so greatly. There's a lot of different factors. I was huge, but when my friend was pregnant, you couldn't even tell until she was close to term. Her baby was normal and healthy.

 

Nicole Kidman was like that.

[Fudgie]

Yeah it looks like my prof isn't close at all to her due date. I kind of worried at first but didn't say anything. This is her first kid so she's really nervous about it.

 

As I've said, I'm not a kid/baby person, but it was pretty interesting watching my teacher "grow" this semester.

[annie24]

I'm putting out there: I don't want kids. I never have.

 

Why can't people just accept it when people say that??

 

I think that you'll find putting your ideas out there will just cause debate. why even bring it up? if you don't want kids, that's ok. no one bothers me asking when or if i have kids, they don't ask, i don't bring it up. if they did bring it up i could just say, 'not now' and then change the topic. see, that easy!!!! it's really no one's business. if you don't want people asking you about it, don't bring it up.

[Fudgie]

Well I was just asking here but I am asked about IRL...

 

Since this thread, I've had communication with that nutty family who keeps bothering me.

 

Apparently there is some "summer party" they are planning and I was invited. I've decided this child issue is just bothering me a lot with them nagging me so I lied to them with a bogus excuse (they won't know the truth) so now I don't have to go! I told my parents too so they will cover for me. I don't like going to their functions anyway but if I don't show up, then they can't ask me about my reproductive plans...esp about how I "shouldn't be on the pill even if it's for my pcos because I should be wanting kids" etc. It's just BS.

 

I am taking summer classes and being busy over the summer so hopefully I won't have to deal with them much.

[annie24]

are you in college? have you or other members of your family gone to college? and do they know your boyfriend?

[Fudgie]

are you in college? have you or other members of your family gone to college? and do they know your boyfriend?

 

Yes, I'm in college. My family members have all gone to college.

 

The people that give me issues aren't my family... but members of ANOTHER family that is VERY close to mine...they were our nannies, etc. My real family is very supportive of me. This other family isn't so much. It's how they were raised, I guess.

 

The other family doesn't know about my boyfriend. They screamed at a girl for having an age gap above 4 years, what would they do with mine? (37). I don't need more drama in my life so I just keep my mouth shut and pretend I'm single around them.

[Sanesoul]

To be honest, that's really sad. I don't know, maybe it's my age, but I will not pretend to be anything I'm not around anyone anymore.

 

I've lost some relationships, but how important were they if they didn't accept me?

 

I'm against major age-gaps (young girls- old guys), but I will never understand trying to placate people.

[Fudgie]

They just don't understand, ya know? It's not your age, you're right. NO ONE should have to pretend.

 

I know that you are against major age gaps and that's ok, perhaps from past experience? Totally understandable. None of these women have done anything...they don't date outside their little "circle" and they berate you if you do anything outside the norm. And that's not cool.

 

I'm happy with my boyfriend and we are a very loving, supportive couple. We make each other laugh and he's very supportive of my goals and is even open to me changing as I grow. I wish they could see that but I know that they wouldn't...they would probably disregard him as a "dirty old man" (even though we aren't that sexual) and they just see me as a womb with a ticking biological clock.

[Sanesoul]

I understand what you are saying, but you also need to understand that by willingly being involved in the relationship you are in, there are going to be some people in your life who aren't happy with it.

 

When do you stop caring what they think and just live your life?

[Fudgie]

I tell people and all...just not this ONE family. I've dealt with some opposition from friends (a few see me and my bf together and then they are fine) but I don't know..this one family gives me so many issues, not just about the bf, but kids, my life plans, EVERYTHING. I've been criticized all the time on everything like I can't do anything right.

 

I think a lot of it stems from my fear of disappointing THEM. One of the woman was my nanny for years. I was always getting screamed at. When I think of her voice, I cringe.

 

I'm fine if I come accross disagreement but man, they are BRUTAL. And the thing is, I have to deal with them a lot, so it'll will always be in my face.

 

Just toxic.

[annie24]

if they ask when you will have kids, just say you are focusing on graduating and all that and then change the topic. that's why i asked if you and your family are college graduates. usually people who go to college take a few extra years to marry and have kids.

 

about your bf, well, he's just about old enough to be your grandpa, i can see why your family might not approve. well, if you guys love each other and it clicks and it works, that's your business. i would be freaked out if my family member were dating someone 37 years their senior (or junior!) well, ultimately you are and adult and make your own decisions.

[Sanesoul]

Be the duck...let it slide off your back.

 

You cannot control anyone else, but you CAN control how you react/feel about the situation. It may take some strength, but you can.

[Fudgie]

I am going to try...I need to learn to not let their words hurt me.

 

I know my boyfriend is a bit older but we are very compatible. I know those are just words and don't mean much, but when we are together, I don't know...he inspires me to be a better person and makes me feel safe and loved. I stay with him for extended periods of time and we are just very productive and happy together. My father knows a bit what is going on but we've talked and he told me he trusts me and just doesn't want to ask because it's my business. I will not tell the other family though.

 

Maybe someday we can show that the number doesn't really matter.

[Lucius]

Is it wrong to never want children? Nope. It would only be wrong if you had them despite not wanting them.

 

How on Earth could it be considered "wrong", anyway? What are these people saying to you?

[Fudgie]

OH god, if I had a dime for every time I've heard:

 

"But you were a child!"

"It's not natural."

"God said 'multiply'" (don't know why they say this, considering I'm not christian, oh wait...they don't "approve" of that either)

"You'll change your mind."

"You'll love them because they're yours."

"It's your job to have kids." (I hate this one)

"What a waste!"

"Your parents will be mad!" (No, they won't)

"But all your friends will have kids." (If my friends all did cocaine, should I do it too?)

[annie24]

they are so weird. i wouldn't even engage them in this conversation. just say, "I'm focusing on school right now. Tell me, how is cousin Mary? I haven't seen her in forever?"

[Lucius]

OH god, if I had a dime for every time I've heard:

 

"But you were a child!"

"It's not natural."

"God said 'multiply'" (don't know why they say this, considering I'm not christian, oh wait...they don't "approve" of that either)

"You'll change your mind."

"You'll love them because they're yours."

"It's your job to have kids." (I hate this one)

"What a waste!"

"Your parents will be mad!" (No, they won't)

"But all your friends will have kids." (If my friends all did cocaine, should I do it too?)

 

Well that list strikes me as largely ignorant bleating. I wouldn't trouble myself with that, if I were you. Your only "job" is to live your life in whatever way seems best to you. These sorts of hollow objections are little more than echoes of expectations, projections, and the personal need to have their own choices validated through the mirrored behaviour of those around them.

 

A good response to these sorts of people, I find, is a smile. It frustrates the hell out of them.

[Fudgie]

I know! Aren't they odd? Here they are bashing me for being "abnormal" for reasons I have just mentioned, but I am thinking they need help themselves!

 

It's hard to make "small talk" with them as they are quite bold and go RIGHT to the hard topics (you wouldn't believe what they talk about at the table). I think I am going to play it safe and just keep myself busy a lot this summer. If I do run into them, I'll try to change the topic ASAP.

 

Well that list strikes me as largely ignorant bleating. I wouldn't trouble myself with that, if I were you. Your only "job" is to live your life in whatever way seems best to you. These sorts of hollow objections are little more than echoes of expectations, projections, and the personal need to have their own choices validated through the mirrored behaviour of those around them.

 

A good response to these sorts of people, I find, is a smile. It frustrates the hell out of them.

 

A smile, eh? I will have to try that!! Just a smile...Hmmm!!

 

Thank you

[annie24]

lol. i'm just imagining if they knew you were dating a 50 something man. they'd probably be begging you not to get pregnant with him! that might change their tune! but it would be a whole bunch of other stuff to listen to!

[Fudgie]

Haha, probably...it's very likely. I think they would try to harass him or something. Honestly, he and I couldn't get pregnant even if we wanted to. But they'd still lay eggs over it!

 

Then again, I've dated men my own age and they NEVER seemed to like them, and they were good guys!

[hockeyboy]

ehh, I like kids and want kids.

 

If you don't want them or like them...that's your prerogative. I don't/wouldn't hold it against you.

[Dako]

I once disliked kids, now I love them and often wonder what I missed. I'm 57 and pretty much alone except for my dog and my elderly mother.

 

Life is a long series of changes unless you stay in a rut.