Is it wrong to NEVER want children?

[Fudgie]

ehh, I like kids and want kids.

 

If you don't want them or like them...that's your prerogative. I don't/wouldn't hold it against you.

 

Thanks. I respect your choice as well. good luck!

 

I once disliked kids, now I love them and often wonder what I missed. I'm 57 and pretty much alone except for my dog and my elderly mother.

 

Life is a long series of changes unless you stay in a rut.

 

I'm not sure, to be honest. I've heard from a RANGE of people who claim it's the best thing ever, and others, not so much. It's hard to know what they'll bring.

 

My boyfriend is 57 as well. He had step kids and now he is pretty much alone with his dogs because they all went off with their own families and that was the end of it. Having kids didn't change that for him.

[anggrace]

I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to children. But to say that you know beyond a doubt that you will NEVER change your mind is unrealistic. I don't know how many times I said and thought that when I was your age. I thought since I knew myself at the present, I could predict the future. But that's just not true. Im not saying you WILL change your mind, but it is definatley a possibility. Again, nothing wrong with feeling you don't want kids. Not a fan of hatred though. Especially not of elderly or children, They don't mean to be so... annoying and all of that other stuff you mentioned.

[Fudgie]

I love elderly people so I think it kind of balances it out, LOL.

Kids are coddled all the time. Elderly people are lonely and it makes me sad.

 

I'm seeking to get my tubes tied in the near future (gotta find a willing dr) so if in the unfortunate event that my hormones go crazy and go into "baby mode" against my better judgment, I won't be able to have one.

 

With my PCOS, it would be unhealthy for me to have a children, if I could have one at all. I'm at high risk for gestational diabetes and troublesome births...including miscarriage. It would be a poor choice medically to have a child.

[newwave]

Finding a doctor at your age to tie your tubes will be almost impossible unless it is medically required (such as healthwise). Even at 35 my doctor didn't think it was a good idea. I know if I was to ask her now she'd also say it was a bad idea. It's not that they are against you having the choice, just that yes, people change their choice. You remind me a lot of me at your age (including dating much older guys) and yes, even someone as strongly against children as me changed my mind. You might change your mind as you get older. My big fear now is that I'll never have a child or even meet a guy I want to have a child with. I just wish that I had thought this over 10 years ago because that would have given me time to find a guy, date for years then have a child after marriage. I could still have a marriage and a family but there is the possibility I won't.

[Fudgie]

There is a chance (small chance, perhaps) that I will change my mind. But it's SUCH a bad idea for me in terms of my health! I can't even fathom picking up a child, let alone HAVING one. People have tried to get me to hold their babies and I just step back. My doctor (who is CF herself) told me that it would be healthier for me to stay on BC through my 30s and not get pregnant at all. Period.

She was also taking into account my family genes and all that autism.

 

I'm sorry, but there's no way I can risk having a kid with autism. Having sibs is enough.

 

I am terrified that my hormones will take over and then I'll make a HUGE mistake or worse, have my health suffer.

 

I know someone who got her tubes tied at 22, but she's in Canada. If I could over to Canada and have it done, I would.

 

But I still don't understand newwave...you said before you were anti-baby and anti-marriage for so long. What changed? What makes people change their minds like that?

 

Biology scares me.

[newwave]

I really don't know why I changed. I just know I did and that scares me. The only thing is perhaps I never met a guy I considered having a child with and thought I did and it reawakened feelings, or could be because of my niece. Could also be the feelings were there but I hid them until now because I am running out of time. I really don't know.

[Fudgie]

Actually, it's common. I've known people who were anti-baby and then saw younger relatives and now want one of their own. Now WHY that happens exactly, I have no clue!

My last boyfriend didn't want kids, but saw younger relatives and thought "maybe yes!". I broke up with him shortly afterward.

 

It's scary I think...do you think it's a sort of biological phenomenon? Like seeing small children alerts a part of the brain that it's "okay" to have children, and thus you get the urge?

[HouseKitten]

Like seeing small children alerts a part of the brain that it's "okay" to have children, and thus you get the urge?

 

I think it's a bit like NC with an ex. If you don't have to see them ever again, you probably get over them faster and have less desire for them. If you're never around kids, they don't really come to your mind often either.

 

But if all your friends start having kids, it's like your ex has started working where you work. You see them all the time, you see all the good things about them, you WANT them, whether it's logical to or not, whether you're in a secure position to have them or not. You might even know deep down you're not sure about them, but that doesn't stop the physical urge you have to be near them.

 

As a metaphor I believe it needs work, but I hope you see what I mean

[newwave]

Actually, it's common. I've known people who were anti-baby and then saw younger relatives and now want one of their own. Now WHY that happens exactly, I have no clue!

My last boyfriend didn't want kids, but saw younger relatives and thought "maybe yes!". I broke up with him shortly afterward.

 

It's scary I think...do you think it's a sort of biological phenomenon? Like seeing small children alerts a part of the brain that it's "okay" to have children, and thus you get the urge?

 

I don't know, but when I see my niece I get this overwhelming urge to have a baby. Even when I look at a photo of the guy I want (or even when I've been with him) I get this urge to have a child with him. I never told him this but I think it's part of the reason he's having issues (he's scared I'll trap him into marriage by getting pregnant). Of course this is a moot point because as of now he doesn't want to be with me. I am not sure I'll have these urges with another guy (never have before) so hard to say.

[Unknown1607307972]

I made a thread on this too once upon a time I am 21 and I don't want kids. I have several reasons:

 

*I have had small children around me for my entire life and I know exactly how difficult it is to look after them. No matter how many babies and children I see, I never get the slightest urge to want my own.

*I can't function without time to myself.

*I have no patience.

*I am too selfish, I want to spend my money on holidays, treats for myself and my boyfriend, my home, etc.

*I have depression.

*I am tokophobic (phobia of pregnancy and childbirth). Not just childbirth, but pregnancy itself. I have had nightmares about it since I was about thirteen and it's horrible. I wake up feeling so glad it's not real, the dreams make me feel like I have a timb bomb under my skin morphing my body against my will and just waiting for it to set off.

*The idea of pregnancy also makes me feel trapped and lonely, like no matter how supportive my boyfriend would be I would feel I am suffering alone because I am the one carrying it.

*I love my little relatives, but I can't be left alone with them for very long without getting very stressed.

*Baby crying sounds make me harm myself mildly through stress...pulling out clumps of hair and going into panic attacks.

* I don't want to add extra people to the relationship I have with my boyfriend, I want it to be me and him only (well, family and friends too obviously, but you get what I mean).

* I am scared of having a child with more severe aspergers (it seems to run in my family). Don't get me wrong, mild cases are managable, and I don't mean to say children with aspergers are bad or anything. I just already have issues looking after myself, if I had a child who had severe aspergers I don't know how I'd cope with us both.

* I simply find the idea of having children a very boring lifestyle for me personally.

 

However I totally respect those who do. Seriously, if you want children then go ahead as long as you can afford them and can raise them to be polite good people. I know there are many good sides to children, they can be very sweet and funny, they can evoke a kind of love that I believe is stronger than any other. Many people want to have kids and see them grow up into great people they've created and see what they become.

 

I don't like people claiming to know my own mind better than I do however. Some women change their minds, but I know women who never did and are now too old. My great aunt is a prime example, she's also unmarried by choice, and she's not only a very active member of our family but she also has a great social life and no regrets. Just because I am a woman it does not necesserily mean that I'll hit 30 and suddenly get struck by an uncontrolable urge for a baby.

 

I just wish people would have the same respect for my views, because while I don't want kids, I am not saying that I think everyone who does is stupid or anything. My family are cool with it, my boyfriend is accepting (I hade a huuuuuge discussion where I basically interrigated him and cemented my views on not wanting kids to make sure he wasn't just expecting me to change my mind ). My lifestyle choice is my buisiness, why can't people just be free to make whichever choice makes them happy?

[Fudgie]

Hi there Unknown!

 

You sound like you're very confident in your choice and I'm happy for you! Even better, your boyfriend agrees too! That's very important as well that you're both on the same page.

 

My brother has Aspergers (no kidding) and it freaks the HECK out of me. I could not handle having a child with Aspergers. Having a sib is MORE than enough. I don't blame you for being worried. See, the thing about autism in general that worries me is that the CDC now says that around 1 in every ~105 kids (possibly greater) is born with autism! We don't know why or how to cure it! both of my sibs have it and it was so hard on my mom...I can't have that for myself. I totally don't blame you for worrying about that too.

 

Best of luck to you!!

[midnightdeirdre]

Actually, it's common. I've known people who were anti-baby and then saw younger relatives and now want one of their own. Now WHY that happens exactly, I have no clue!

It's scary I think...do you think it's a sort of biological phenomenon? Like seeing small children alerts a part of the brain that it's "okay" to have children, and thus you get the urge?

 

My ex claimed he was "indifferent" about having kids; claimed he could "take them or leave them." I asked him twice at the beginning of our relationship, "Are you sure you don't want kids? Because if there's even a small inkling that you might, we have to end this now." But he assured me he didn't want them; that he was fine just being an uncle.

...shortly after our 10-month anniversary, he broke it to me that he does want children afterall. He said 5 months into our relationship he began having serious reconsideration about being "indifferent" to have children someday. Spending time with his nephew, babysitting his friends' baby made him realize he wants a child of his own. So basically, my ex never truly NOT wanted children; he just claimed he was indifferent. Which isn't saying he doesn't want children, period. That's saying that he is actually open to the idea.

 

If someone claims they are "indifferent" about having kids, it secretly means they are open to the idea, which means that they do truly want them, and will "change their minds" to the option of having kids. Deep down, you either want children or you don't, and it's not something you magically do a total 360 on.

[midnightdeirdre]

There is a chance (small chance, perhaps) that I will change my mind.

 

Odd, what makes you say this? Peer pressure? In the past whenever I said something like this, it was due to outside sources pressuring me that I "might change" my mind. That's all it was. I know (and have always secreyly known, deep down) 110% that there's no chance I will change my mind, ever.

[Batya33]

Why do you feel you're entitled to tell anyone else about their desire to have or not have children, or whether they can change their mind in the future and what that means? Do you somehow need validation that since you are so sure now that you don't want children that that means you will always be sure? I think life is far more interesting if you accept that people can change their minds even about the big issues and that life-changing experiences can shake things up. Having said that as I wrote above it's foolish, if a person doesn't want children to date someone who does in the hopes that they'll change their mind later but the "people are robots when it comes to having children and there are only two categories to be in" makes little sense.

[nutbrownhare]

I find babies very difficult to cope with; I mostly feel numb around them, and if I'm having a particularly 'aware' day, I can feel it as terror. I mentioned this to a therapist once, who explained that it's an unconscious fear that I'd have the same relationship with the infant that I did with my own mother when I was that age (poor old Mum had postnatal psychosis, and was in a mental hospital for the first couple of months of my life), and if you were badly handled as a child or baby, it's unlikely you'd want to have your own because so much nurturing involves delving back into your own (sometimes unconscious) memories.

 

So, no, you're not bad. I also know loads of people who 'hate kids' but when they actually meet children on a personal level, feel absolutely fine around them.

 

As to others freaking out about it; I've found that people sometimes take it very badly if I, as a woman, say I don't want kids, and will start a lecture (I'm sure you've heard it all!). As it happens, I found out a couple of years ago that I probably wouldn't have been able to have kids even if I'd wanted to, and telling people that I can't have them for physical reasons usually ends the discussion.

[midnightdeirdre]

Why do you feel you're entitled to tell anyone else about their desire to have or not have children, or whether they can change their mind in the future and what that means? Do you somehow need validation that since you are so sure now that you don't want children that that means you will always be sure? I think life is far more interesting if you accept that people can change their minds even about the big issues and that life-changing experiences can shake things up. Having said that as I wrote above it's foolish, if a person doesn't want children to date someone who does in the hopes that they'll change their mind later but the "people are robots when it comes to having children and there are only two categories to be in" makes little sense.

 

I can only speak from what I've observed/experienced. And my quotation that you have it it.

[Seraphim]

There are people on this board who said they DESPISED kids absolutely hated them and then went on to have kids. There is one well known member who hated them and then had a baby and went onto teach kids and now loves them. So no, people do not fit into either or categories.

[Batya33]

I can only speak from what I've observed/experienced. And my quotation that you have it it.

 

 

Then perhaps be a bit more careful to qualify your rather extreme opinion with it's obvious limitations.

[midnightdeirdre]

There are people on this board who said they DESPISED kids absolutely hated them and then went on to have kids. There is one well known member who hated them and then had a baby and went onto teach kids and now loves them. So no, people do not fit into either or categories.

 

Yes, I did read that. I have no idea why she had the baby in the first place if she despised kids. But all right.

[midnightdeirdre]

Then perhaps be a bit more careful to qualify your rather extreme opinion with it's obvious limitations.

 

Why be careful? An opinion is defined as, "A belief or judgement that rests grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty." That means I can believe what I want, even if someone else claims it's not 100% truthful.

[Batya33]

Why be careful? An opinion is defined as, "A belief or judgement that rests grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty." That means I can believe what I want, even if someone else claims it's not 100% truthful.

 

I meant that the way you stated your opinion was as if it applied to everyone, everywhere at all times, not just to the people you happen to know. When I state an opinion I make sure to explain my context/basis so that it doesn't come accross inaccurately. But that's just me - I find that makes for a much more fair and interesting conversation.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I did read that. I have no idea why she had the baby in the first place if she despised kids. But all right.

 

The point is she does now. She loves them and her son. People can despise other people's kids and adore their own.

 

You can believe anything you like Autumn but you will find that people do change. It does not mean YOU in particular will. But people change all the time every single day. If there is one constant thing, it is change.

[Fudgie]

This thread is like 2 years old!! >

 

Autumn,

 

When I said that there is a small chance I may *change my mind* I didn't mean so much in having children, but rather, not hating them. I have no idea if this will happen or not but it's possible, but not likely. If I had to become an auntie (hoping I won't be) then I'd probably have to do some stuff because my sibs are autistic and can't deal with big things...soooo hopefully they won't have children. I don't see my sister having any but my brother may have some. He says he wants them. I don't think he should though because of the autism in our family and the utter HELL that it brought to all of us, but that is me. It is his own life and if he wants to make himself miserable, then oh well. Best of luck to his future wife because she's going to need it. I could probably deal with being an auntie if the kid came out without a developmental disability but if the child is autistic, I told my mother that I would NOT be involved in the child's life whatsoever. I had to live with that when I was young and I refuse to do it again.

 

My mother has given up on me when it comes to grandchildren.

 

I'm lucky to be with a guy who had to raise his younger siblings and HATED it so he doesn't want kids and has even talked about getting a vas in his mid 20s or so.

 

I have stopped ovulating completely. Since I started this thread, I have had numerous untreated ovarian cysts due to my PCOS that I let grow and implode, and I now smoke tobacco once in a while, which I enjoy, but I'm also happy knowing that it makes me even more barren. Every month, I take 1gram of Vitamin C for a few days to start my period and makes me shed my lining every time.

 

Anyway, I don't really talk so much about the child issue because I feel like I'm with a guy who is on the same page as I am and understands that, and isn't going to change his mind. I won't get engaged to a guy who doesn't agree to have a vas for me, and that eases a lot of the worry. So that's good. It's just not as a big of a concern as it used to be, I guess.

[midnightdeirdre]

When I said that there is a small chance I may *change my mind* I didn't mean so much in having children, but rather, not hating them.

 

lol, OHH okay. Thanks for clearing that up, Fudgie!

[Fudgie]

No problemo!

 

BTW, you are 27 and all. I think if you are late 20s/early 30s and haven't gotten baby fever yet, I HIGHLY doubt you will. I think it's just important to find a partner who shares your views. It's really to heck with what anyone else says, you know? What goes on in your uterus is between you and your partner and it's no one else's business, not even your parents!