women that don't want to even try?

[MarkD]

I don't know if it's me, or the type of girls I am attracted to? Around 3 years ago, I had a bad break up that brought me to this site. I was with her for 5 years and out of the blue, she just said she wasn't happy and didn't want to even try to work it out. It took me a while to get over her, but I did.

 

Around a year later, I meet this amazing girl. I take it really slow. I explained the situation in my past and that I need someone to be open with me. She understands. She was cheated on by her ex and wanted an open relationship as well. We were together for 2 years and it was amazing. Sure we had our little fights, but nothing major. She would always tell me how much she loves me, how good I make her feel etc. We planned our wedding for when she was done school... Then the same thing happens...a few things came up in the relationship and she is gone. She now treats me like I'm an total jerk. She even broke up with me over txt messaging...said she couldnt hear my voice cause it would be too hard.

 

I am having such a hard time moving on cause I dont know what I have done to serve this? So many questions....

 

Now Im scared Im gonna never feel like I can trust another woman to not up and leave me once again.

 

Im not doing well right now....

[BraveStar]

Yep, same thing happened to me. She said she had been trying but had not discussed any problems with me and I don't know if you can really count it as trying unless both people are aware of it. I never really got any solid reasons, I've just had to accept that's how it is. There's not much more we can do. I hope you get the closure you need.

[Rob1000]

Same thing buddy.... maybe it's a female thing, I don't know. My ex-fiancee just decided one day that 5 years of history wasn't worth making an effort for. Its almost a year for me, and I'm doing well. Just keep going, thats all we can do.

[MarkD]

It is really killing me. I can't eat, sleep, or think of anything but the relationship. I constantly feel sick to my stomach...wake up in cold sweats at night....this is not healthy to be like this.

[BraveStar]

Try not to worry about that, they're all normal things to experience. It's healthier than burying your feelings and moving on to the next available person. How long has it been? Just give yourself some time, try and keep busy, exercise. You'll find the same advice posted all over this message board.

[MarkD]

It's been a month. I know it hasn't been very long, but of course everyone here knows that time goes by sooooo slow when you are trying to recover.

 

I can't seem to let go...I am trying so hard to move on...

[JonasWaingaro]

Okay same sinking ship here. Gonna toss this out for me as much as anyone. I'm still trying to get my head around this too. Maybe it's that they spoke about the problems but were too subtle. Used 'couple speak' and we didn't 'hear' it properly. Maybe they tried and tried then simply reached the end. I dunno. Maybe they tried once and waited. I know men can be pretty obtuse and hope things just go away. And women will shut down if not heard and/or acknowledged. Why keep beating a dead horse yeah? Actually I suppose both genders do that. Meh. I've talked myself around a circle and gotten no where. Maybe they are just quitters.

[1guygirl]

hey its not jus girls

 

my ex jus said out of the blue that we were impossible (ldr) even tho we had briefly talked about him moving up here when he tied off loose ends etc etc yadda yadda

 

even in post break up text he said he would be here with me if he could....and that was just it, he didnt really try....he didnt start looking around for jobs or a possible house near me, so no, he didnt try (i should add i even mentioned bout going down there but he brushed that off saying that his ex would only cause trouble kinda thing)

 

it was jus bs

 

or mabes our exes just werent that into us!! and we were being fed the excuses, pathetic ones at that....

[supercalifragilistic]

Maybe you just got unlucky? My ex was just like you describe, and he's a guy. There were no problems in the relationship, I can count in one hand the times we had a fight and even the it was nothing major, he was always telling me how much he loved me, up until the last second we were together. I also think I'm going to have trust issues.

 

However, I can tell you as a woman that when I'm in love, that's it. It does not go away. Unless you act like a complete jerk and refuse to change I will keep loving you and wanting to be with you. And even if I give up because you treated me badly, I'm willing to give it another try (counseling, talking about it, whatever). I really wish I knew why committed people attract flaky losers and vice versa.

 

The way I see it, once you've been with someone for a year or two and you got to see them in a variety of situations, you got to know their personalities and what it would be like to live with them and nothing really bothered you that much, there's no reason why it can't work forever. I just wish my ex felt the same way.

[MarkD]

it's just the fact that it has happened to me twice now... I am okay with taking blame, but I want to be able to trust again. I put ALL my trust into this girl and didn't want to make her pay for what my other ex did to me. I am really scared....

[phaze]

I've experienced the same thing. I don't know if all girls do it but I do notice when they have sisters its more common for them to run to them with their problems than to communicate with their partner. Just something I've noticed, nothing concrete to back it up.

 

In my next relationship I plan to keep a daily journal which I will allow my partner to read. I will also encourage my partner to do that same. Hopefully it will be a more effective way to communicate issues. I know my ex tried to communicate her unhappiness but at some point she just stopped trying to get her point accross. I *do* blame her for not being able to communicate properly. If I need to get my point accross I'll will make sure to convey it until its understood. My ex tried but quit before it was understood. It was her responsibility to get her point accross. Further, she would still be intimate with me and to me that indicates things are well.

[supercalifragilistic]

it's just the fact that it has happened to me twice now... I am okay with taking blame, but I want to be able to trust again. I put ALL my trust into this girl and didn't want to make her pay for what my other ex did to me. I am really scared....

 

I am too, I'm 26 and I really want to have children by the time I'm 30...and I'm not even over my ex, so I'm kind of running out of time here. I don't know what you want out of a relationship, if it's marriage and family...I assume it is...but maybe you should talk about this early in the relationship? See what kind of person the woman you are dating is? If she thinks like you she probably won't be freaked out.

 

I don't know if you are in the US, but church sounds like a good place to meet this kind of person over there. I wish it was the same in my country but most people my age are more interested in partying and drinking. I have no clue where to find a man who want to get married and have a family.

[JonasWaingaro]

Maybe you just got unlucky? My ex was just like you describe, and he's a guy. There were no problems in the relationship, I can count in one hand the times we had a fight and even the it was nothing major, he was always telling me how much he loved me, up until the last second we were together. I also think I'm going to have trust issues.

 

Yeah trust issues are scary. I really wonder about that now. I'm afraid I'll lose my normal generous spirit and shut people off. Same here with fights, very rare and nothing crazy. It's weird.

 

However, I can tell you as a woman that when I'm in love, that's it. It does not go away. Unless you act like a complete jerk and refuse to change I will keep loving you and wanting to be with you. And even if I give up because you treated me badly, I'm willing to give it another try (counseling, talking about it, whatever). I really wish I knew why committed people attract flaky losers and vice versa.

 

I wish you were my ex! A second chance would be nice. I figured everyone got a second shot.

 

The way I see it, once you've been with someone for a year or two and you got to see them in a variety of situations, you got to know their personalities and what it would be like to live with them and nothing really bothered you that much, there's no reason why it can't work forever. I just wish my ex felt the same way.

 

That's it isn't it? After a year or 2 you've seen all the idiosyncrasies and kooky behavior. Nothing is some OMG shock moment. You know that other person, you know what makes them tick. So to up and 'cya' one morning is beyond strange. Makes no danged sense.

[1guygirl]

it's just the fact that it has happened to me twice now... I am okay with taking blame, but I want to be able to trust again. I put ALL my trust into this girl and didn't want to make her pay for what my other ex did to me. I am really scared....

 

yeah its that trust thing thats a real biggie now

 

you let your guard down, you believe their "i love you sooooo much"s and actually start planning that future, looking to it with joy because theyre in it with you, on your same page, yeah ya know your faults but you know with some patience and understanding, you will overcome it and then really be free......and them BHAM. Game over.

 

say no more...

 

suddenly youre demoted to just being cared for, and wished about, missed but not strived for...

 

yes it is indeed a long fall...but a tough one to get back up from....

 

trust...trust to ever believe I love you ever again. Im like yeah right, whateverrrrrrr...its what they all say.....so now PROVE IT

 

talk is cheap...actions speak louder than words

[BraveStar]

I am too, I'm 26 and I really want to have children by the time I'm 30...and I'm not even over my ex, so I'm kind of running out of time here. I don't know what you want out of a relationship, if it's marriage and family...I assume it is...but maybe you should talk about this early in the relationship? See what kind of person the woman you are dating is? If she thinks like you she probably won't be freaked out.

 

I don't know if you are in the US, but church sounds like a good place to meet this kind of person over there. I wish it was the same in my country but most people my age are more interested in partying and drinking. I have no clue where to find a man who want to get married and have a family.

 

I'm not so sure about this. My ex said that she wanted to marry me, have kids build a life together and never be apart. I think talking about this is a good sign in a relationship if that is what you both want but I wouldn't take it as a guarantee that they will never change their mind. I will find it very difficult to be as open and vulnerable with whoever comes along next but to get everything you want out of a relationship you have to put your all into it. It will leave you open to this kind of hurt again but the other choice is to be closed off. It's best not to set deadlines for yourself, as long as you're getting out there things will happen when they happen.

[supercalifragilistic]

Yeah trust issues are scary. I really wonder about that now. I'm afraid I'll lose my normal generous spirit and shut people off. Same here with fights, very rare and nothing crazy. It's weird.

 

 

 

I wish you were my ex! A second chance would be nice. I figured everyone got a second shot.

 

 

 

That's it isn't it? After a year or 2 you've seen all the idiosyncrasies and kooky behavior. Nothing is some OMG shock moment. You know that other person, you know what makes them tick. So to up and 'cya' one morning is beyond strange. Makes no danged sense.

 

Yup, I knew all his bad habits and he knew all of mine...and he wasn't bothered by any of it...he gave something as an excuse when he broke up with me but it was just that, an excuse...my therapist said that if it was the reason he would have agreed to let me fix it, which he didn't. What happened to him was that he wanted to live like a teenager, party everyday and drink with his new friends, something he would hardly ever do before. He was also not thinking about marrying or having kids anytime soon. His excuse was that I wasn't social enough, that he wanted me to talk more with his friends and party with them. I'm really shy and I have nothing in common with his friends but I even agreed to that! No luck...whatever, I hope he regrets it, no one will be as patient with him as I was, or love him the way I did.

 

About second chances, *I* gave him a second chance already. He pulled this crap on me before but then came back saying he was sorry, that he loved me and I made him happy. I asked him to promise that he wouldn't leave me again without trying. When I brought this up he said he had tried. Obviously we have very different definitions of trying. His trying consisted of telling me he wanted me to talk to his friends more one week before he dumped me, not seeing me during this week because of his work and college and then deciding he had tried enough.

 

What happens I think is that we ignore some red flags. I knew my ex was a confused person, I knew that even though he like children, it wasn't a priority for him. I knew lots of other things but I just thought to myself "No one is perfect, look how much he loves you...give him a chance...everything else is great". Now I know better.

[hopelessincan]

Okay same sinking ship here. Gonna toss this out for me as much as anyone. I'm still trying to get my head around this too. Maybe it's that they spoke about the problems but were too subtle. Used 'couple speak' and we didn't 'hear' it properly. Maybe they tried and tried then simply reached the end. I dunno. Maybe they tried once and waited. I know men can be pretty obtuse and hope things just go away. And women will shut down if not heard and/or acknowledged. Why keep beating a dead horse yeah? Actually I suppose both genders do that. Meh. I've talked myself around a circle and gotten no where. Maybe they are just quitters.

 

In my situation, thats exactly what happened. I asked him the whole, 'well how could I try and fix something when I didnt even know what you were working on?"

At first he was insistent that he told me of the 'issues'..now as time goes on, he is starting to admit a whole lot of things that he never told me that were upsetting him. Too bad for me though, cause he still wont change his mind even realizing that i fix what i dont know is broken

 

Yup i think they're just quitters

[supercalifragilistic]

I'm not so sure about this. My ex said that she wanted to marry me, have kids build a life together and never be apart. I think talking about this is a good sign in a relationship if that is what you both want but I wouldn't take it as a guarantee that they will never change their mind. I will find it very difficult to be as open and vulnerable with whoever comes along next but to get everything you want out of a relationship you have to put your all into it. It will leave you open to this kind of hurt again but the other choice is to be closed off. It's best not to set deadlines for yourself, as long as you're getting out there things will happen when they happen.

 

Well, it's not a guarantee, but at least the other person has the same views as you...I don't know how I would go about find out this, but what I would look for is someone who views commitment and relationships the same way I do...like I said here, if after one or two years you spend enough time together to really know each other and nothing bothers you about the other person and you still love them, then the relationship can work forever...simple as that. This is what I think. It may go through difficult times and all, but we all go through that...alone, with the perfect partner. There's no way around it, life isn't always perfect. I think this is what some people fail to see.

[BraveStar]

Well, it's not a guarantee, but at least the other person has the same views as you...I don't know how I would go about find out this, but what I would look for is someone who views commitment and relationships the same way I do...like I said here, if after one or two years you spend enough time together to really know each other and nothing bothers you about the other person and you still love them, then the relationship can work forever...simple as that. This is what I think. It may go through difficult times and all, but we all go through that...alone, with the perfect partner. There's no way around it, life isn't always perfect. I think this is what some people fail to see.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. I want to find someone who is going to love me and realise there will be times when things are not perfect but they will be willing to sit down and talk about it, stick around and work on things. Obviously if things don't improve I wouldn't expect either of us to stay in a relationship that was making us unhappy. I want someone to try as much as I will. But like you said, life isn't always perfect.

[newinvention]

Yep, same thing happened to me. She said she had been trying but had not discussed any problems with me and I don't know if you can really count it as trying unless both people are aware of it. I never really got any solid reasons, I've just had to accept that's how it is. There's not much more we can do. I hope you get the closure you need.

 

WOW! Does this sound familiar. Exactly the same here.

[newinvention]

It is really killing me. I can't eat, sleep, or think of anything but the relationship. I constantly feel sick to my stomach...wake up in cold sweats at night....this is not healthy to be like this.

 

Mark - had the exact same symptoms for about the first 5 weeks. That stuff goes away.

[curiocity]

Mark - had the exact same symptoms for about the first 5 weeks. That stuff goes away.

 

If it does, my body didnt get the memo. Its been 2 years and just found out about her life and its made me sick all over again.

[newinvention]

If it does, my body didnt get the memo. Its been 2 years and just found out about her life and its made me sick all over again.

 

It's shock that does it. You must have really loved her to hang on for two years... You should be proud of yourself for being able to care for someone that much. She must have been something else.

 

You do have look out for yourself now though. You don't need to close the door on the future - you'll never know. You do have to look out for you. There are women out there who would die for someone as loyal as you. Keep your eyes open - take the blinders off. Best

[curiocity]

It's shock that does it. You must have really loved her to hang on for two years... You should be proud of yourself for being able to care for someone that much. She must have been something else.

 

You do have look out for yourself now though. You don't need to close the door on the future - you'll never know. You do have to look out for you. There are women out there who would die for someone as loyal as you. Keep your eyes open - take the blinders off. Best

 

Or maybe I am just a loser.

 

In her case, grass was greener after all. How do you get back on your feet from that - knowing that the ex did get a better life without you.

[Dr. Horrible]

Boy does this thread ring true with me as well. It's certainly a crushing feeling when the person you love so much, and who you thought loved you too, up and leaves without trying to make it work. I know I would have tried my very hardest.

 

Curiocity, that's something I'm a bit worried about too. I'm pretty sure my ex left me for another guy and it scares me to wonder if she's happier with him now. I was the best boyfriend I could be to her. Up to and even after the end she agreed with this and told me she loved me.

I just wish I knew what went wrong.