newinvention

I have tried very hard over the past few months to let go of you completely without permanent success. It seems that the as soon as I do fully let go, there is an instant re-connection to you. I've come to realize that this connection is not from me; it is from you. I know there is a part of you that is still holding on to me. I am asking you to please let that connection go. You cannot have it both ways. This is what you wanted; it is not what I wanted, but it is what I want now. We cannot work under the current circumstances. We cannot be together until we have healed as individuals and grown strong as individuals. If you truly want the very best for me, then release me and allow me to heal. Give back the remaining pieces of my heart so I can love again.

It's amazing the hold you have on me. It has lessened some, but I still think about you and want you all the time - even knowing you're no good at this point. I wonder what the year together really was because I feel like I don't even know you - like I never did. I think there's quite a bit of truth to that as you never did let me in. It really hurts like hell to have you out of my life, but I've done what I can do. I've read so much about it taking two to destroy a relationship, but what we had never really was a relationship I suppose, and it really was you who was the single-handed destroyer of us. There's a part of me still in shock - and will be forever I guess. You are gone forever and I know it. I will never hear from you again. You got what you needed from me and ran when I needed you most. I'll never forgive you for that. I'd never take you back for that reason alone. So confused and hurt by you. Your words mean nothing to me know - clearly your actions give you away for what you truly are.

Hey - I'm coming to the very clear realization that you just plain suck. You really do. I know a lot of this is anger, but there is truth in it. I know they say it takes two to eff up a relationship, but clearly you are the exception to this rule. You, and you alone eff'ed this one up - - if it ever really was a relationship (which I really don't think it was actually). You are an emotional wreck and as they say misery loves company - - congratulations, you've had created another emotional wreck. I know it's my responsibility now to fix myself, but you sure as hell didn't help me much by bringing me to this place. You are a self-centered, pathetic liar. What you did is completely unconscionable. You are far worse than your ex because you had the knowledge he lacked, and did it anyway. I know that it creeps into you late at night - - you will lay there with the unedited, clear knowledge of who and what you are and be miserable - - as you should be. If I could cut the part of my heart out that still holds onto you and live, I would do so willingly. My mind is clear -- my heart will learn in time and that day will come. You will realize your loss in losing me. You will realize that you will never come close to me with anyone else. You will seek me out but never again will you hear me. You choose to erase me. Take your pretentious pity and lies and shove up your ################################.

Hey - I feel like an idiot. I'm just realizing that I'm the only one fighting this battle anymore. It's not like you've moved on - - you weren't even moved on when we met. I know you tried baby, but you really did some pretty crummy things (whether you knew it at the time or not). Bahh - - What can I do? Not a thing. When all is said and done, you are there and I am here - - in separate places with separate lives now. I keep hoping and wishing - - I can wish in one hand and $hit in the other, but guess which hand is going to fill up first. This isn't even about you anymore and I know it. I have to get myself back now.

I have to admit that I am so hurt. Never before have I felt this hurt to this degree. I think it's not fair that I completely blame you for this pain. I know most of it is due to my own anger and frustration with myself. I realize now that I let you use me. I should have seen it - possibly did, but still tried to believe in you. I hate that the last words I ever said to you were "I love you." I hate that you said them too. I don't love you. You don't deserve any of my attention at all. I hate that I am feeling this way, but understand that it is more because of me than you. You are truly the weakest, lowest, scum of the earth. You played with me like a cat plays with a toy. You lied to me. You cheated me. You fooled me. You did all of this for your own benefit. You did this because of your fear of being alone. You were so very right, I deserve better. You disgust me for what you are and what you do to others. You keep holding your head up high, but I know it, I know it clearly. You are a fraud. You are a miserable human being who is not and never will be capable of love. You will do nothing to accept wrong in yourself or to make changes in yourself. You will continue this cycle with others. I feel so sorry for your next victim. I know how you operate now. You seduce and pull people into your web. You trap them then suck the life out of them. You want the adoration and to have other fixated on you - all the while, you offer no real love in return for what you take. I will try very hard to forgive you - for my sake, but right now, I hope you receive the what you have dealt tenfold. I hope the pain in your heart that exists now grows to an unbearable point. I want you to feel more than the pain I feel. I want your emotions to take you into the depths of hell. I hope your personal situation makes you miserable everyday. I hope your financial situation deteriorates even further than it already has. I want you to be left with nothing material. I want you to be left with no hope. To do as you have is far worse than anything I have experienced in any past relationship. Cheating does not even come close to your folly. I am so angry with myself for wanting you to hurt, but you need it. You need to be stripped of everything you are now and maybe then you can be rebuilt into a human being.

It blows my mind that I am still in this place - feeling so broken-hearted without you. I'm really surprised that I loved you so deeply - more than I ever knew. I guess it hurts because I know that you have reduced what we had to very little for your own "coping." You have already moved on and are not giving much thought about me or us... It seemed so simple for you to chalk it up as a good thing that wasn't meant to be. All of this I'm certain is for your own self-preservation, because I know deep-down you feel differently about it. I know it. You will just plow through all of this because you just don't have a place for it in your life now - and I guess I can understand that to an extent. I just wish there was something I could say or do to make you see that I never would have hurt you as he did. I fell in love with you and made the choice to love you because of who you are - I saw the beauty that is nestled in your core person. The beauty that you don't even see in yourself. It's so hard for me to move on when my heart knows no other home. There is no other place my heart would rather stay than with you, but that can't be. So, I'll continue to process all of this and it will probably take me some time - as these things tend to do for me, but I'll get there. I wish there was a way for me to send you joy and comfort through the air to fill your heart. It's funny because I am so angry with you, yet I understand it. I'm trying to let that anger subside and flow away - it's really more about me than you anyway. You were a gift and I hope I truly feel that way someday soon.

Thanks Bella - made me feel a bit better

I hope you get something from this... It made me feel better writing it... You are weak, and I am a wonder I am immovable, and you were a blunder Never again will your ears hear the sound Of my voice or the words of me coming around Your eyes will not rest or gaze upon me Our lips will not touch, this moment I'm free It was you who choose this, it was not I I've pined and I've prayed and I've hoped I would die But no more - it ends now, you cease to exist And shall be wiped clean from my mind, I'll persist And I'll fight and I'll shut you out And the memories, and wine, and us rolling about Are erased, extinguished, and sapped of their joy And the base hopes of a simple, soft boy Who wanted and needed and waited and pleaded And greeted you every moment and day Will lay by the side of the road and decay Like an animal who froze and was crushed Cracked and broken, those words in my stomach Never again to be spoken I'll never look back at this path that you chose I'll be gone, gone, gone, away and away Not waiting and hoping to again be your prey I'll be gone, but I'll be there the same Like a cancerous tumor that grows in your brain And grows to a point of pressure and pain When you realize the wonder you tossed aside And all of your fancy new dreams subside When the cheap pleasure you chose to replace Will stare you down in your old woman face You'll slip back to that wonder I was And you'll cry and feel that anguish Each day 'till you die

Just want you to know that I do feel bad for some of the things I wrote to you in the last letter. I guess I do understand that you are not in the right place to give me all of yourself. I wish you could, but know you are not there and I don't want half your heart. I just wished you hadn't lied to me in the end about the other guys... That's what hurts me so much about this - I really trusted you with my heart - you know you had it, and you could have been honest with me. I will miss you forever - I realize that. I guess we're not meant to be, but I don't really get that - maybe someday, maybe not. Just know this, I will never stop loving you. When I gave you my heart I gave it freely and forever. That does not mean I won't eventually move on, but I just hope and pray that I don't spend the rest of my life comparing others to you.

Amen HeavyD - just finding that out myself - finally!

How could you do this? How could you just walk away from our love? We cared so deeply for each other. After both being screwed over in our marriages, how could you do the same to me then lie? I could have taken the news that you wanted to see others or had met someone else - my trust is destroyed now. Everything feels tainted and fake now and yet I miss you dearly. You didn't have to say that you loved me - I believed it. I feel like I'm left holding the bag while you go on with your life because you lied and never were fully invested in us. Thanks for the pain you caused me while you try to act as if you warned me.