"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

[caveat]

Foz,

 

You have a long way to go, but I can already sense that you are stabilizing and getting stronger. Good for you. Don't fear the down days...they are inevitable. Just fight through them and keep moving forward. This is month 9 for me and I'm still amazed at just how much I think/dream about her, but its no longer debilitating...in many ways its liberating.

 

Stay aloof and out of reach and whatever you do do not chase him or try to coax him into a discussion. Just focus on yourself right now and get your feet back under you. Regardless of what is going on in his world/life this time is all about you and building your base of strength back. If there comes a time when he wants to have a serious discussion about how things ended (or optimistically, how things may begin again) you want to be able to 'negotiate' from a position of strength. And if he doesn't then you will already be on your way to something better.

 

Take care of yourself and stay strong.

 

Caveat

[caveat]

Sometimes the rules you hear thrown around this forum (e.g. no contact) have to take a backseat to life's harsher realities. The ex called over the weekend, very upset. Her best/oldest friend was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and immediately had surgery to remove one of the ovaries. The cancer apparently has spread very quickly and she needs another surgery within the week.

 

I know this friend well; I met her the first time I took the ex out and many times since. She is wonderful person...24 years old, full of life and strength. Its hard to believe that she is now fighting for her life. The prognosis is not good. My ex is devastated but is standing strong for her friend.

 

'Rules' be damned...if I can lend my strength to this situation I intend to do it. Some things are more important than a broken heart.

[Foz]

Definitely, in these circumstances i would break NC.

What has happened your friend puts life in perspective and everyone needs to support each other in times like this..

 

my saga continues but i will let you check it out on my thread and not take over yours.

 

Best of luck and keep posting,

 

Foz

[caveat]

Its hard to imagine that just 8+ months ago I was wild with heartbreak, spinning uncontrollably, wondering how things had come apart so quickly and completely.

 

As the months tick by I'm seeing things more and more clearly and I'm cautiously beginning to think that I'm turning the corner on this thing. Its as if the more I let go the more I can see the upside to what life will be like without her and the opportunities that are there for those who are willing to seize them.

 

The week in Hawaii (returned a week ago) was nothing short of awesome. I can't remember the last time I packed so much into one week. Kitesurfing on the windy days, surfing on the calm days, somedays both. Luaus and hanging out with relatives, dancing with/kissing a couple of beautiful Hawaiian gals, partying to Ozomatli on Halloween. Running on the beach at sunset, swimming in the ocean at night, partying till the wee hours of the morning. To top it off, playing in a 3-day invitational laccrosse tournament with some of the best players in the country/world on fields overlooking the shores of Waikiki...frickin' exhilirating. Even her calling me in the midst of all this couldn't derail the good time I was having. I was so far from all of this 8 months ago.

 

And the women...sheesh, the women...so many beautiful, interesting women out there and its almost as if they can smell the blood in the water. The dating scene has been fun and though I'm still far from wanting to get back into another relationship there have been a couple that definitely have potential.

 

This past Thurs. was a day I'll NEVER forget. Picked up my date from the airport (met her in Hawaii a few months ago...she lives in So Cal, is a model and stewardess...gets to fly for free) took her to dinner and the opera and then drinks after. Gorgeous, mature, very cool woman who doesn't seem to be the least bit phased by the fact that she's 6'1" to my 5'8". Had a great couple of days with her and even if it doesn't translate into any love interest on either part it sure as hell was fun.

 

Life is good. To all those out in heartbreak country...give it time...and go out there and make the most of what life has to offer. Life is too short to sit around moping about what could have been. Sure there will be down days, but just be sure to make the most of the up days!

 

Caveat

[Foz]

sounds like life is really good for you at the moment..

Did you contact the ex about your mutual friend who has cancer??

if so, how did it go??

Im doing ok, im going to take a big step and hand in my notice to my landlord and get a new place, there is too many memories of the life we shared together and is no more so im just going to leave and get a new place and move in with new people and start again!!

Work is a pain at the moment and i dont think i have been the most productive employee in the last 10 weeks but im getting back into it now. have lots of hearings coming up in the next few weeks so i will be busy!!

 

"the attorney who represents himself/herself has a fool for a client"?

In ireland we have paraphrased that one and we saw the person who represents himself (without a lawyer/legal advice) has a fool for a client..

 

anyway chat soon..

 

Foz

[caveat]

Hi Foz,

 

I think moving out of your place and getting a fresh start somewhere else is a great move. The new place will be yours and yours alone and will be ready to fill with a fresh new set of experiences and memories.

 

As for work, all I can say is to be wary about immersing yourself too much. It doesn't sound like you are in danger of doing so, which is good, but just be sure to save ample time and energy for more pleasurable endeavors! Now that you have this new found lease on life don't spend too much of it staring at the computer screen.

 

The ex and I have been talking quite a bit over the past week and a half. Our friend is in very bad shape. She was in surgery for 10 hours on Tuesday and they had to do a full hysterectomy. To make matters worse, the cancer has spread further than they thought and appears to have attacked her liver and lungs. She's only 24 frickin' years old.

 

My ex is understandably devastated and is doing everything she can to be a source of strength for her friend. In turn, I will do everything I can to be a friend to both of them. I know that I need to be careful due to the emotions that are in play and for both our sakes will make sure that I am here as her friend through this crisis and nothing else.

 

Take care,

Caveat

[emma34]

breaks can be beneficial in some cases. realizing what you had when you can't have it anymore. but in this case - since you've already began to move on, i would say don't go back in time unless you feel there is no real reason you should end it. be thankful you have had this time to progress in the grieving process without the surprise immense pain of being plain dumped.

[caveat]

Hi there everyone. Its been quite some time since I last posted and I thought I would provide a quick update on how things in my little world are progressing.

 

As some of you may recall, there was a flurry of contact between my ex and I following a long period of NC. The initial contact was simply a reiiteration of her need to be alone and a need to continue her search for independence outside of a committed relationship. NC began again, but she began contacting me from time to time, maintaining that she was still optimistic about us being together in the future and that she couldn't understand/agree that it was over and why I thought there was no chance of us coming back together (but all the while remaining adamant about being by herself right now).

 

That pattern of contact continued for a couple of months, calls from her coming once every few weeks and then more frequently. Then at the end of October we found out that a good friend of ours (her best and oldest friend) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and that the outlook was less than good.

 

In mid-November our friend was told she had a couple of months to live; I decided to put no contact aside for the sake of our friend and to support the ex through this difficult time. Since then and up until this past weekend we have had a great deal of contact, have seen and spoken with one another on almost a daily basis. It would take pages and pages to go through all the details, but suffice it to say that I'm understanding what is going on with her more and more, yet am finding it very difficult to be optimistic about the odds of reconciliation in the future.

 

Despite the dark cloud of our friend's sickness hanging over us we have managed to have a lot of happy moments together in the past couple of months. When we are together she can't keep her eyes and hands off of me and there is no doubt that she is being honest when she says she is still in love with me and sees us together in the future. But there is also no doubt that she does not want to be in a committed relationship right now. Talk about a catch-22.

 

We agreed that we had to stop spending time together and talking to allow her to get her head straight and that as much as she wanted to ask me to wait for her, that she couldn't/shouldn't do so.

 

Her family and friends are all supporting her, but make it clear to the both of us that they think we should be together and are not happy with us being apart. She is not happy with us being apart either, but she insists that she needs to be alone right now, to sort some things out, to learn to love herself first before stepping back into a serious relationship.

 

Going back to NC is difficult but necessary. Over the past couple of months we had a lot of wonderful moments, some bittersweet, but all memorable. We laughed a lot, partied a lot, kissed and held one another, and talked and talked and talked. All without any pressure by me to get back together. I told her she needs to let me go, but she remains defiant, insisting that she still sees us together in the future and can see us in our home with kids, pets, etc. She said if I wasn't she would be absolutely devastated.

 

Slipping back into NC is the only thing I can do right now to preserve my sanity and to prevent myself from getting frustrated to a point where I burn every bridge between her and I, but complete NC will be impossible. Our friend who is sick got engaged a few weeks ago and despite the slim chances of her making it, she and her fiancee have set a wedding day in March. She (our friend) made one request of me: that I take my ex as my date to her wedding. I of course said that I would.

 

So the saga continues. 10 months have passed and the waters remain as murky as ever. I am strong, I am patient, I am moving forward, but damn this is testing me....

 

To the ladies out there...can you be in love with someone, see a future with them, yet need to be independent and out of a committed relationship for a time? Waiting for her is not an attractive option, but neither does throwing things away while the 2 of us are still in love with one another.

 

Caveat

[Hope75]

Caveat,

 

I'm very sorry about your friend being so ill. Bless you and your ex for putting differences aside and coming together for the sake of your friend.

 

I have a situation somewhat similar to yours.

 

My live-in ex of 2 years broke up with me in Nov. we are still spending time together, he does love me still and I love him with all of my heart and I want us back together so badly, he is scared but kind of wants that too.....

 

here it is:

 

link removed

 

what do you think?

 

my answer is that I hope with everything I have that it can be the way that it is with you and she now, and that it CAN work out in the end and you can wind up together and happy.

 

It's tough, this road being so uncertain, and we ARE strong for hanging in there like we do.

 

Surely it is worth the struggle?

 

Hope

[purple_monster]

Caveat --

 

Sorry to hear about your friend's illness. It's good to hear from you, even though it wasn't good news this time.

 

Waiting for her is not an attractive option, but neither does throwing things away while the 2 of us are still in love with one another.

 

It sounds like you will eventually have to come to a point where you make a decision about this one way or another. I don't really know what to say beyond that. You have much more patience than I would ever had -- but I'm not much of a patient person. Personally, I would wish for you to move on and be happy with someone else, but that's not my decision to make.

 

I think at an earlier point in my life I could have said yes, you can see a future with someone later, but want something else now. But now, I don't know. I'm not sure if that's just a silly fantasy when you are just not ready to let go.

 

Take care -- I don't come by here very often but I always look and see what you've posted lately

[mazurka]

insisting that she still sees us together in the future and can see us in our home with kids, pets, etc. She said if I wasn't she would be absolutely devastated.

 

Caveat, I have pretty much the same situation coming up with my ex. She is startiong to make noises now about seeing me more and and insists she still loves me but needs to be by herself and etc etc Its all the same and I am sure you have heard it all from your ex.

 

My situation is slightly different in a way that I have met soemone else but I still love my ex although I am not sure that I can be with again or if she even wants that.

 

My present gf is great and we have a good relationship which is kind and loving but I know that until there is finality with my ex(Is there ever?), I will never be able to ccommit to another person in a more serious way.

 

I am starting to come to the conclusion that it is my choice to give up the idea and let go and move on totally. I am not sure I want to do this if there is a chance of reconciliation.

 

Like you say, every time you have contact of this nature , it defies logic and threatens to push you over the edge of sanity becuase as a man, I think it is extremely difficult to understand the motivations behind this sort of behavior.

 

 

I feel guilty for holding out with my ex while in another relationship although I have been honest with present partner about my feelings and that I am pretty sure we will not get back together again. She is wonderful and undertsnading and I wish that I could flip the switch and not feel as a do about my ex and channel all my energy into the realtionship with this wonderful woman, hopefully time wil enable me to do this.

 

I know it is going to come to the point where I will let go and have to let go, but at thsi point I dont knwo how to. I try to reason with myself by saying "If she really loved me as much as she said she did she would be with me" . This to me is the bottom line.

 

I think you are wise to have put NC in place again. I have agreed to see my ex again which will open up a whole new can of worms but I think there are things we need to say to each other in order to eventually finalise this confusing process. You need to be next to fire to throw water on it.

 

Advice given to me was , dont take what she is saying literally, check her body langauge and most importantly observe her actions as this will tell you everything you need to know.

 

The hard part is accepting it.

[GaveTooMuch]

Caveat-

 

I think I am in a very similar situation as you're in. Just recently my girlfriend of 3 years decided out of no where that she didn't want to be a committed relationship. She is 5 years younger than I am. She has been recovering from leukemia and beginning to feel normal again, starting a new career, made some new friends she has things in common with and wants to take time to live her life and findout what she wants to do and if spending the rest of her life with me is something she'd want and be happy doing. This is what I came up with as an explaination because I just need a reason why after 3 years, one day she just doesn't want a serious relationship anymore. At first it was just supposed to a break, but just last saturday she decided that she needed a break up since she can't decide what she wants if I'm still lingering around and she's worried about still having to make time to see or call me.

 

We had a talk this tuesday as I gave her my last plea for staying together before I finally let her go. I just needed to know I just didn't let her walk away, that I did everything I could to make her stay. I too did just about anything and everything for this girl. No one around us including her family can deny the love and support I have always shown to her. Everyone was just as shocked as I was that she wanted to leave me. During our talk on tuesday, she has made it clear that time apart is what she needs. Being that I love her so much, I would give her anything she wants.. I let her go. She said she still loves me very much but needs to sort out her life and fidure out if a life with me is what she wants and needs. She even said that if she ever decided to come back and I was no longer here for her, she would probably kill herself.

 

I'm trying "NC" and trying to respect her feelings but it's so hard. I say I understand but I really do not. How can you love someone and have things going great then one day just decide you want to be alone? If she really does love me as she says, how can it be so easy for her to leave me? I trying not the hold on thinking that she will come back to me later and am not even sure that I will take her back since her decison has really hurt me so much. I have put so much of myself into this relation and her, and I still love her.

 

Being that you are in a somewhat similar situation, I was wondering if you can shed some light as how you cope. How do you deal with the fact that you both still love one another yet choose not to be together? How did you get over her without hating her in the end, for abandoning you after all you did for her and how much you loved her?

[sparkey]

I have been reading all your posts, followed what has been going on and my gut thought is that you need to be the stronger person and completely end it.

 

This "wanting a future" but not ready for a present is weaking to the heart and really prevents you from fully moving forward. I found myself believing that I had moved forward as I reclaimed much of my past me, but I had never reclaimed my soul.

 

I discovered some simple questions that let me know if I could be a friend and love her like a family member and not like a lover. IF you were to see her with another man, see that she was really happy, that they had a connection, could you accept that and not feel loss ?

 

For a good 14 months I would not have been able to say YES to that question.....Which let me know that I really had not moved on and put myself first. All I had done was keep busy.

 

I can now honestly say I truly home my ex is in a loving relationship with a good man. No anger or bitterness, no resentment and it is a good feeling. I also know that I am now ready to really let myself fall in love again.

[caveat]

Wow, has a year already passed? Some days it seems like the break up was 10 days ago and some days it seems like it was 10 years ago. Bizarre.

 

But what a year it has been. I would not trade the past 12 months for any amount of money. Its hard to believe so much has happened in the past year...I don't think I've ever learned and accomplished so much in any previous years.

 

The breakup has been heartbreaking, but I stand by everything that I have said in the past, especially regarding how everyone should go through a major heartbreak at least once in their life. It really teaches you to value what is important and to not squander the precious things that life has to offer.

 

As for the ex and I....that saga still continues. I won't bore you with the details, but the contact has increased even though we are not together and both agree that we cannot ever be just friends. Yeah, its maddening at times, but I'm just letting the chips fall where they may. I am not chasing and she cannot let go. At times I feel like I should simply drive a stake through the heart of the relationship and bury it in the past, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. Strange, I've never had a problem doing that in the past.

 

She has 3 more months until she graduates and her intention is to come back here...and she's made it clear that she's still hopeful that we will be together again at some point. This chick sure has a lot of gall...she just wont' let go!

 

I've made it clear that I won't let her disrupt my life and the progress that I continue to make. The world has opened itself to me and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone or anything prevent me from taking advantage of everything that this life has to offer.

 

Life sure is crazy.....

 

Caveat

[caveat]

A lot has happened between the ex and I in the last few months, too much to summarize in one short post. The short version is that she and I have been speaking more often, but the circumstances are a bit unique.

 

If you have been following my story you will know that last October a good friend of ours (my ex's best friend) was diagnosed with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer. She fought hard and was graceful to the end, but the cancer was too much for her and she passed in early February. She was only 25. It would take volumes to tell you all just how wonderful a woman she was and how she remained so strong even when she knew all hope was lost and that her time to pass had come.

 

Before the diagnosis the ex had begun contacting me more frequently. All contact was by her and it was clear that she was not willing to let go despite me standing firm saying that I thought it best that we just move on.

 

After the diagnosis I knew the only decent thing would be to be there for not only my friend but also my ex. My ex is also 25 and has not had this type of tragedy touch down in her life before. So I was there every step of the way and made it clear that any time she (the ex) needed to talk or any type of support to just let me know. My friend with cancer got engaged in December and was planning her wedding for March and asked one thing of me: to take the ex to the wedding as her date. I of course said I would. Sadly, our friend passed in early February, but even though there was no formal ceremony, her and her fiance were married at heart and that is all that matters.

 

Fast forward to today: the ex has been having a difficult time but has shown just how strong she really is during the past 2 months. She has been dealing with her grief in a healthy manner and though its been difficult I have tried to be there for her without putting my heart at too much risk. Some risk I know is inevitable, but given the situation I am okay with it...I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I was not a source of strength during this time.

 

Our talks have been great. I keep the conversation light and get her laughing. When she needs to vent I let her vent. I don't talk about 'us'. She has brought it up a couple of times and I have answered honestly. She knows I'm moving on and I know she is trying to keep me in her life. She has even gone so far as to say that when she finishes school (in 3 months) she will be coming back here and that she hopes she will be able to see more of me then.

 

Her birthday was about a week ago and though she was going out with her girlfriends the night before she was hoping that I would be around to see her either later that night or on her actual birthday the next day. I was out of the country at the time but as I promised I would, I called her to wish her happy birthday.

 

She called again today saying that she would be driving back to school tomorrow and whether I could take an hour to have lunch with her before she goes back. I told her that my day was pretty slammed and that I didn't think I could make it. Honestly, I could take the time to meet up with her, but my feelings have been all over the board and I have mixed emotions about making myself too available to her. My gut is telling me to go though, so I probably will.

 

Now for the question: while I was in China (where I was on her Birthday) I bought her a birthday present. Now I'm torn as to whether I should give it to her. Its a beautiful piece of crystal which does not look to expensive (though it was not cheap), but its something I know she will like very much. Its like it was made for her. I fear that by giving it to her she will think that she still has me on a string... Again, my gut (heart?) is telling me that its the right thing to do and I don't have a problem with keeping my emotions in check or making a big deal out of the gift.

 

Would love to hear some input from the folks out there as to whether I should give it to her if/when I see her tomorrow.......

 

Caveat

[Mun]

Give her the gift.

 

She may think any number of things.. but the important thing here is that YOU know she does not have you on a string.

 

I hope things keep looking up for you. Good luck Caveat.

[caveat]

Thanks Mun! I really appreciate the quick response. You have always been very generous with dispensing advice...your heart must be HUGE!

 

And to everyone out there....remember to live each day of your life to its fullest. Heartbreak is an agony I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but its no excuse to lie down and let life pass you by.

 

In addition to my friend who was taken by cancer I lost two other young friends in the time frame. One left a husband and a two year old son. In a four day time-span I attended 4 different memorials, three of which were for good people who were 33 years old or younger. A difficult 4 days to say the least. The grief and pain I saw in that 4 day period reinforced how important it is to live each day of your life to its absolute fullest. Enjoy life, shoulder your responsibilities, do not be a burden on others, be strong for those who are in need, be strong for yourself, laugh, cry...LIVE. Don't let heartbreak deprive you of everything that this life has to offer. Life is far too short.

 

Caveat

[caveat]

The ex and I met for lunch yesterday and all in all it we had a great time. We kept the conversation light and it was mostly her talking about what she did over spring break and what the upcoming school quarter will be like.

 

She did almost all the talking and on a couple of occasions cut herself off and bashfully said something like "I'm going on and on like an idiot about myself...whats going on with you?". I gave her tidbits of information, but not a whole lot, had her laughing most of the time, but made it pretty obvious that I was not hanging on her every word.

 

After about an hour I drove her back to her car and we sat and talked for another 1/2 hour where the thanked me for taking time out of my day to meet with her. I told her not to worry that I would be sending her a bill for my time. And that, oh by the way, while I was in Shanghai I had come accross something that I thought she would like and that since it was her birthday I decided to get it. Her face lit up immediately and when she opened it I could see that she sincerely liked it.

 

She thanked me profusely and I told her not to sweat it, that I had brought back a dozen of them and had been handing them out to all of my ladies. She knew I was joking, but I didn't want her to make a big deal out of the present.

 

She then asked me if I would walk her to her car, which I did. We stood there and talked for another 10 minutes and then she said that she better get going. We hugged for a couple of minutes and then when we split she said that each time we parted she hated having to say goodbye. I said, "at some point we are gonna have to say it one last time". That hit her pretty hard, but she shook it off immediately and flashed that killer smile at me and said "Whatever. I don't think so." After a couple more minutes of banter she leaned in and kissed me on the lips (as she has done the last couple of times we have seen each other) and said thank you again.

 

She followed it up with a phone call a couple of hours later, more thanks and 'talk to you soon'.

 

I am trying to keep things in perspective here and I know at some point I'm gonna have to limit her popping in and out of my life lest it drive me frickin' insane, but I don't have the heart to broach that conversation yet. She is still recovering from the death of her friend and I want to give her time to get herself firmly on her feet.

 

This stuff sure is complicated, but at least both of us know that we each need time. Like her I still have a lot of work I need to do before I get back in a relationship, whether it be with her or someone else. Damn I love her though.

 

Caveat

[7CardStud]

mmmm i can relate to your story a lot... hope things work out for ya

[chai714]

Caveat wrote

The breakup has been heartbreaking, but I stand by everything that I have said in the past, especially regarding how everyone should go through a major heartbreak at least once in their life. It really teaches you to value what is important and to not squander the precious things that life has to offer

 

Those are some true words of wisdom. I agree with that statement completely.

 

One thing I like about what you did with your ex is: you waited to give her the gift, then you picked something that she would like out (which involves some thought), then casually made a joke that you got a lot of them for all of your ladies. Well done.

 

I think that it could be to your advantage (not sure if you are or not) to date other females in the meantime. This will give you even more perspective than you already have (and I know you have lots).

 

It seems as if you've learned and exercised a lot of self-discipline when it comes to listening to your feelings versus listening to your brain. You've learned some tactics regarding what works and what doesn't work. Limitiing your availability to her and withdrawing your emotional support from her are both things that you're doing well. When/if she moves back, it's not hard to see that you can have her, provided you continue to utliize the current tactics you have implemented recently. Thanks for keeping us updated on your story.

[caveat]

Thanks for the feedback Chai...and thanks for keeping tabs on my situation.

 

I think that it could be to your advantage (not sure if you are or not) to date other females in the meantime. This will give you even more perspective than you already have (and I know you have lots).

 

I've been pretty active on the dating front for the past 6-8 months, but haven't had much interest in the ladies I've met despite a few of them being very attractive and interesting. The model/airline attendant was probably the most intriguing, but she had quite a bit of emotional baggage and lives a fair ways away. No more long distance relationships for this kid. Lots of beautiful, interesting women out there...I'm a patient man and am in no rush to get back into a relationship.

 

When/if she moves back, it's not hard to see that you can have her, provided you continue to utliize the current tactics you have implemented recently.

 

I tend to agree. In fact I'm pretty sure that if I wanted to reel her back in now I could do it without too much short-term trouble. The key words there are "short-term". She has some things to figure out and some life that needs to be lived on her own. Until she gets herself sorted out I don't want to get emotionally invested in her any more than I already am. She's gone through a helluva lot in the last 6 months and its gonna be awhile before she is going to be able to figure out what she wants and what it takes to get it.

 

She remains adamant about seeing a future for us together and her friends (even the new ones she met when we broke up...I've spoken to a couple of them on the phone cuz they kept hearing so much about me from her and wanted to confirm that I wasn't just an imaginary person she had invented) say pretty much the same thing, i.e. that her and I getting back together is just a matter of time. Girls do love their fairy tale endings, don't they? Well, I'm old and wise enough to know that life is what you make of it and should not be left to the whims of others to govern. I will not be strung along under her terms.

 

Our friend's death called for me to put aside my own concerns for awhile and instead focus on what was important at the time. I will continue to be supportive but as the grieving lessens so will the contact.

 

Thanks again for the support. This site has been an incredible resource in terms of both support and educating myself on the challenges that relationships present. I've learned more about relationships in the past year than I have in all of my previous years and boy did I have a lot to learn (and a lot more to go...).

 

Cheers,

Caveat

[purple_monster]

caveat, i check in once in a while primarily to see how your story is going you seem to be doing really well, and I think you are handling things extremely well. I hope everything works out for you, and I will be back every so often to see if you have new news.

[Ripples]

Caveat, thx for keeping me up all night reading your frickin story!

 

Seriously though, it has been quite inspiring and I really do admire your brutal honesty so thank you - it was the forum i needed to find.

 

Your story really is very sad because behind all the self improvement and pain that you are both going through it is quite obvious that you two love each other. I understand the reasons as to why you cant be together but I do hope that one day common sense prevails and you both find that the time is right to settle down and move forwards together again.

 

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I think part of the problem for many people these days is that there are so many very accessible destractions and opportunities on offer which although tempting do unfortunatley confuse us and undermine the balance of our lives. Relationships seem to be discarded like old toys and replaced very easily with new ones. My folks had to work through their differences. Maybe they were wrong - I dont know!

 

By the way be careful you don't metapmorphasise from the role of the dumpee into the dumper. I know you have been honest with her but it could be perceived that you are now playing games with her to satisfy your own ego. Again I understand the reasons for wanting to be there for her at the moment but I think you could be treading a fine line there.

 

I say this because my ex strung me along after she announced that she needed "time & space". I backed off and after a while she started to call. The moment I showed interest she backed off again. This went on for 4 months until I eventually said "NC", I can't handle it anymore. Yes I was naive, I just let her toy with me becasue I didn't really understand what was going on always hoping that she would one day say "ok i'm ready now, come and get me". I'm now struggling big time.

 

You have been very honest with her and i'm not accusing you I'm just highlighting a different perspective. (The last thing I need to do now is upset a lawyer!!)

[Agrajag]

I understand. My ex wanted to have a break, but to me, that means break up. I figure if you need time away from me, then you can't stand to be near me, so why call it a break when it's really a break up!

 

I don't know how married people do it. How do they make their marriage work for so long when couples who aren't married always break up?

 

My girlfriend and I are on a two-week break right now and it may be the best thing for our relationship. Married couples do this all the time because it creates more than just 'space' in the relationship. That time apart really helps to rejuvenate to relationship, even when it seems all is lost. That's why couples sometimes like to take separate vacations and come back more in love than before. Sometimes taking a couple weeks off every 7-8 months is a really great idea.

 

I agree, love totally sucks...but the reverse (being in love and having it returned) is bliss.

 

Love can be the most painful thing sometimes. But it's that love that drives me because I know it never left.

[byrocar24]

It appears as though no one has posted in this thread in quite some time. I have pretty much read the entire thread and I thought I'd share my experience.

I, like Caveat, am still deeply in love with my ex-girlfriend. We were in a relationship for about 2 years, at which point she told me she needed space, and since then (almost 3 years now) we have had fairly consistent NC. She has lobbed calls and emails to me from time to time, but 6 months will go by with no communication. Its interesting though, because like Caveat's situation, while she is the one who both initiated the "break" and wants her space, when we do see each other she still acts as if nothing changed. She is flirtatious, holds my hand, gets openly jealous when I am around other girls, etc.. She tells me she misses me and that she REALLY wants to stay in touch with me more. Keep in mind, all of the above sequences happen when we are together maybe twice a year, and usually partying and alcohol are in the picture.. OK they always are.

I can't say I have much advice to offer because I have gotten nowhere with my situation. I have read yours in its entirety and the dynamics of our relationships seem very similar minus my lack of will power to sincerely move on. I have been with many girls since, NONE of them hold a flame to my ex. Its just so hard to know what to do. I want to move on, but I love her too much and I deep down believe she still loves me too. She knows how much I care for her still, and unless she was satan himself, I have trouble believing she would just jerk me along like this. Well, thot I'd share. Good luck Cav, I admire your sense of dedication to self. Later.