"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

[caveat]

She wants to be able to talk from time to time...to check in to see where we are at basically. As painful as that may be, I'm hesitant about insisting that she not contact me at all. I do not want to give up. I want to fight. I need to let her go, but is letting go giving up?

 

I can't let this morph into just a friendship, but do I really need to completely cut her out of my life? No contact by me, but let her contact me on occasion? Doesn't sound too inviting, but I'm running all the scenarios through my head, entertaining all options. Am I strong enough to move forward while doing this? Thats a tough one.

 

There are a lot of great women out there and believe me, I'm excited about meeting them. But while she is doing her thing and I'm doing mine could I really keep a thread between us? Maybe I'm just grasping at straws.....

[a_little_sparrow]

Caveat,

 

I definitely feel for you. As my ex was breaking up with me she also made comments about how she was afraid this would be one of the biggest mistakes she could make. I have also stood by this summer and seen how she is finding who she is, locating her independence, and ultimately making herself that much more attractive in my eyes. I don't understand how it is that our relationship will be one of those very pivotal parts of her life, but that it can't be something that she keeps with her as she moves into this new stage. I'm sure you understand this. The desire to be so wholly supportive of these positive moves, while at the same time being told that you need to keep your distance from the whole thing. And finally, you no longer have a stake in how it all turns out.

 

I wish I had some great advice to give. First off, I don't think that her wish to call every once in a while is her asking for a friendship, it's just her recognizing that there is still something about you that she doesn't want to give up on completely. It's also something that I think very close relationships end up doing in the end. I still have periodic contact with an ex from 8 years ago, who is now married with 2 kids. There is a mutual love that's not going to die, but it's also not based on a desire to get back with her.

 

On the 'getting back together' board there's the idea that if you could honestly be her friend, and not concern yourself with whether you were going to get back together or not, that these situations often don't get stuck in the 'just friend' zone. It seems to have worked for some people there, but I don't know if you feel detached enough from the situation to attempt this. Or whether she would feel detached enough.

 

I've mentioned before that the relationship with my ex wasn't nearly as long or involved as yours. But I know how difficult this is to go through. There's no ill will, there's civil conversation as you talk through everything, and you just want to say, "Look I want to support you through all of this in whatever way I can, but I also want to be together with you." But she has made her decision and that's where it stands.

 

Sorry there's no easy answers to any of this. Only some commiseration.

[ocean9]

caveat,

 

From the outside looking in, I think that after all of the hard work you have done on yourself, it may very well be a step backwards in your healing process to stay connected with this woman, even if it is just email and the occasional phone call.

 

Ask yourself, will staying connect with her harm you or help you to continue to heal.

 

You have done a great deal of introspection and reconnecting with your self, so I think you would have a fairly good idea of what you truly want and need.

 

Truthfully, I think you know what you have to do.

[ladyc]

Sounds like it was a difficult meeting and that the emotions are still quite raw. I was hoping she was ready to say you were the only man she wanted. But actually, I can understand her need for independence and her determination to stick by that for now, even though she obviously loves you a great deal. She sounds like a smart woman (and i think you appreciate that). I can tell you that I've known several women (now around my age - mid 40s) who were in a relationship from a very young age, just as she was with you, who then married in their 20s and later regretted that they hadn't had some time to be single (not necessarily because they wanted to see other people, just to experience life as a single person) even though they loved their husbands. It can come back to haunt you later. I don't think you should "wait" exactly, that would be too hard on you, but I think if you two do find your way back to each other in a couple of years or even more, your relationship will benefit from all this, as long as you've both used the time wisely (as you are doing). And if you don't find your way back together...well that will presumably be because you've both moved on.

[ladyc]

As far as maintaining contact, that's a difficult call. I know from personal experience that it can be very difficult hearing about your loved one getting involved with someone else. On the other hand it's very hard to let someone important disappear from your life entirely. This however can be easier on an emotional level, and in the short run. I have done it both ways and there are pros and cons. I guess it's a very personal decision, and only you know what is the best for you.

[mazurka]

Maybe my view is a bit OTT but the "I think I might be making the biggest mistake of my life" falls into the same category as "I need some space" or "We need a break".

 

I think it may be worth your while to play a bit of hardball as well. Dont contact her, dont speak to her and dont giver her the comfortable friendly side of you. Only support yourself, think of yourself and do not make magnanimous gestures that are not in your interest. I am not saying go out of your way to be a total wally but I dont think making life easier for her is fair on you or in your interests.

 

I dont think it is totally wrong to make her feel the full force of the consequences of her actions.

 

Your are Ivy League, a lawyer and I am sure that you will have no problem developing new relationships whether they be short or long term.

 

I know the feeling is hollow and unfulfilling but I do think its important to do this to gain perspective an many aspects of your own relationship. I dont think there is anything wrong with this if you are totally honest with the other party upfront. Its emotionally educational and leads to a grreater understanding of issues in your own relationship that you took for granted or where not even aware of.

 

If she is the remotest bit interested in any future relationship I am sure she will have her ways and means of keeping tabs of you and what you are up to.

 

Do not give her the comfort and security of an open door. I think a closing door is more advantageous to you.

 

The best bit of advice I got from a friend is "You have to look after yourself now no matter what "

 

YOu where doing well but I think you are faltering, do not lighten up, stay strong and don't bs yourself. Keep her out.

[quintana]

- Caveat

 

I've followed your thread with quite some interest.

 

I see that you've suffered a minor set-back (albeit a neccesary one) and since my story seems VERY similar to yours, I'd like to provide you with some advice based on this.

 

I had a very similar meeting with the ex-GF some time back now - with basically the same outcome.

 

She also felt the need to gain her independence, and told me that in the time apart she had come a long way in that respect. That really pleased me.

She also confessed how my belief in her had made her believe in herself. I think this is about the biggest compliment I've ever been given!

 

Unfortunately, she is now with someone new (and someone much older), which in my opinion is in danger of compromising her strive for independence.

That, however, is her potential concern. Not mine.

 

I have let go of thoughts of me and her ever being together again. However, I would very much like to have her as my friend one day and I'm confident it will happen as there will probably always be 'love' between us in some shape or form.

It just can't be right now.

 

And now to the advice.

 

You should close the door to her now. Take pride in all the good you've done for her and be sure she will always have you in her heart.

 

But it is time to really let go. You've said your farewells. Now, fare and be well.

 

And NO: you're not "giving up" by letting go. I know that feeling, and I can tell you, you will be giving up on yourself by NOT letting go.

 

There's nothing more you can do for her, but obviously a lot you can do for yourself. As you have done so admirably thus far.

 

She will probably get in touch with you down the line. I doubt it will be for romantic purposes, but I equally doubt you'll be interested either at that point.

 

Instead you can become beautiful friends.

 

Best wishes

 

- Quintana

 

PS: I have to agree with mazurka. I got the line "could be the biggest mistake of my life ever", as well. It's just words really, and they do not constitute commitment.

[caveat]

The chapter is closed...and a new one begins. What a week. The ex and I spoke a few times during the week and spent most of last weekend together, albeit under rather strange circumstances. Its become abundantly clear that she is fixated on her independence and is determined NOT to try to reconcile the relationship any time soon.

 

Translation = I have my closure.

 

She is one mixed up woman right now. Its obvious that she loves me deeply and is holding on to the possibility of something happening to us down the road (she asked me if I thought we had a chance down the road...I said I believe its over), but her heels are dug in and even if I decided to try to pull her towards me (which I won't) it would be futile.

 

We actually spent Saturday night asleep in each others arms...very surreal. Saturday night saw me out and about with a handfull of friends and one of her friends happened to spot me around midnight. 10 minutes later the exes # pops on my phone and she tells me she's right around the corner and that I should swing by. I told her it was a bad idea, but 30 minutes later the booze finally got the best of me and I found myself walking into the bar where she was at. The reception I got from her and her friends was almost overwhelming. The place shut down 30 minutes later and I said I had to go, but she and her friends refused to let me leave, insisting that I come over to their house for a bit.

 

Buzzed and stupid, I agreed to go after they literally grabbed me by the arms and stuffed me in the cab. Now bear in mind, even though I was more than slightly buzzed (ok, I was kind of loaded), all the work I've done in the past 6 months was manifesting itself. My confidence was cranking (and still is) and as they all pointed out, I looked very good. I was in control of all emotions.

 

So we end up at the friend's house and she and I continue to talk, laugh, have another couple of drinks. 3AM rolls around and she and I, exhausted, decide to crash on the couch (she wouldn't let me leave, "just stay a little while longer") and talk for a couple of more hours until the booze and the exhaustion finally put me down for the count around 5AM. She shook me awake at 7AM, saying that we should go to her friend's house (where she was staying the weekend) around the corner to get some sleep. I said I would catch a cab home...she insisted that I not. I was too out of it to make anything other than a feeble protest so off we went.

 

We slept/talked/slept/talked until about 1PM, conversation was light for the most part, had her laughing the whole time, tried to leave repeatedly and she just held on tighter (literally), asking for just a little while longer. She was amazed at the changes in me both physically (her comment was, 'holy sh*t, caveat! you're ripped!') and mentally/emotionally...and I told her about the realizations that prompted those changes (and it was clear that it wasn't just window dressing...they are indeed changes). Told her that in many ways breaking my heart was the best thing that she had ever done for me and that the lessons learned would benefit my next relationship, whether it be with her or someone else.

 

So finally I insisted on leaving as I had to meet a buddy to go kitesurfing and after a quick bite to eat and a little heavier conversation about what happens next, I left.

 

Almost forgot, after the dinner and long conversation over a week ago, I did not call her and she sent me an email and then called mid-week (i.e. before this Saturday's Twilight Zone episode) asking if I had her sister's jacket (which I did) and whether we could grab a quick bite to eat at her favorite corner restaurant. So after I left her Saturday afternoon she asked if I was still up for it. Long story short, I picked her up gave her the jacket and took her to the restaurant (separate checks of course) and we had a nice light conversation, laughing at each other a lot.

 

I was just about down to zero energy at this point and quite frankly, I just wanted to go home and crash. I took her back to her friend's and she asked if I could come up for a bit to help her friend put together a cabinet and then say goodbye. That frickin cabinet took about 4 hours to put together and I didn't get out of there until almost 2AM. She and I were working on it together the whole time and she couldn't stop touching me, leaning up against me, resting her head on my shoulder.

 

Finally, it was time for me to go. She walked me to the door and said 'what now? is this where we are supposed to say goodbye?'. I said, 'I'm too damned tired to make a dramatic exit right now. Lets call it a day and say our goodbyes tomorrow.' Long hugs, caressing, rocking. And then I leave, her watching me until I'm out of sight.

 

Now, based on that it may sound as though she is waffling, but bear in mind that through all of these discussions, hugs, etc. she continues to adamantly insist that it changes nothing, that she needs to do this. I said of course it changes nothing and you need to do what you need to do. Just as I need to do what I need to do and that I wouldn't take her back right now even if she wanted to come back because the woman in my life needs to be independent and if she is feeling as though she isn't then it wouldn't work.

 

The morning after (yesterday) she called me at work and we talk for an hour or so...again pleasant, light discussion for the most part. She says how wonderful it was to see me, how great it is to see that I'm doing so well, how she only wants me to be happy and her to be happy, and how (again) this weekend changes nothing (which I once again sincerely acknowledge without hesitation).

 

She then asked where we go from here. I said I stand by my position that we cannot be friends and that talking all the time is not healthy, but also that this NC ultimatum (yes, I lifted the ultimatum) seems kind of juvenile and that if she felt up for it she could call once in awhile (actually said once a quarter...she is leaving to school again in a couple of weeks for her final year), that I was a big boy and would let her know if I felt like her calling was not for the best. And so it ended.

 

My perspective? Its over. Will she resurface? Yes. But its over. New opportunities abound and I don't intend to sit on my a** waiting for them to fall into my lap.

 

Caveat

[the iguana]

My g/f (i think) and i are both 21 and lately she's been hinting at a 'break' until she goes back to school. I was getting pissed off that she would stay out until 4am with friends or working till 3AM when she could easily work a normal day shift and she knows im a morning person (driven to it because im narcolptic). And i confronted her with the 'you care about money more than me right?' and she stopped talking to me online or on the phone after that, even when i called.

 

One night she left a message on my car "Tell me if there is anyting that i have of yours that you want back" to which i reply on her car at work "my nantucket isalnd shirt" and while i still haven't gotten my beloved shirt back, she's taken me to a party and had me come over since then (4 days ago).

 

Nothing has changed, except we don't caress or cuddle anymore...Like last night - whenever i try to bring her in for a back rub or caress, she says 'no, keep off' but she tries to playfully bite me and scratch me? She even was trying to get in the pants, but i pushed her away (we're NOT sexually active) ITs so weird, because she wanted a 'break' and, while that was only like a few days ago, she's been doing these strange things. In fact I couldn't take it last night, and while she kept saying 'stay a bit longer' i jumped up and said 'gotta go' and i slipped out the door without a goodnight or bye. She immediately turned off the front porch light, as i left, and i had to stumble to my car in the darkness. Bi*ch.

 

I'm thoroughly confused...

I dunno. I 've decided starting today to institute the infamous NC rule. - thanks to reading several pages of Caveat's and other's posts.

[trishcollins]

You sound pretty strong. The idea of a "break" vs. a "breakup" is a tough one, and NC is the ONLY way to go, regardless of the circumstances. I am going through something similar, although I am calling it a "break" and he is not calling it anything. He has never been in a breakup situation before and doesn't quite know what to do.

 

He is in a situation that made him end our 2 year relationship even though we still love each other. External circumstances have made it too hard to carry on. He basically needs some time to sort through some things he should have done after his wife passed away just before we met, and to work on his relationship with his teenagers (17 and 19). He dove into this relationship too soon thinking he was ready to move forward, and now unfortunately, I am paying for it (as is he, but to me it seems I am worse off for it).

 

However, if you truly love the person and you can see they do need to deal with issues and have to do it without you, there isn't much choice. If they are meant to be in your life, they will be back at some point.

 

Anyway, it's hard for me, because I also feel that if the person really loved you, they would climb heaven and earth to make it work, but then again, sometimes people just can't cope with everything that's going on in their lives and really need some space to be able to see clearly. Once they can see clearly, then they will figure out what they want, and hopefully that will include you. However, it might not, and we need to be prepared for that.

 

Since you have no control over what the other person is thinking or doing, it's very frustrating, and we can't put our lives on hold. Moving forward is a good thing. Sometimes it makes us realize that maybe the relationship wasn't all that perfect, and that we should look for something better.

 

It's a tough balancing act, but the only thing I suggest, is that you work on keeping yourself happy. My vast years of experience has taught me one thing -- we are responsible for our own happiness. We can make other people happy, but we should not look to other people as the source of our happieness.

[ladyc]

Caveat, thanks for your update...I was wondering what was happening with you (strange how you get caught up in the story of someone you only know of online

Anyway... she does sound very confused about what she wants, but I think the independence thing is more that she knows that's what she "needs" to do right now, despite her obvious love for you. Hence the confusion. You sound very strong, and clearly all the work you've done over the last few months has put you in a very good place to deal with whatever arises. If you had not, but had just been waiting for her, this last would have most likely been devastating for you all over again. But you know that - you have definitely approached this in the best way possible, and many of us can learn from your example!

I wish you the best - I know the next lady you choose will be very lucky

[caveat]

Thanks ladyc. Its great to know that there are people out there who are willing to lend their support even though they know the person only through the posts on this site. Its a truly admirable quality.

 

Yes, the past 6 months certainly gave me the time to right myself (and then some) and I know that the way I handled things this past week would not have been possible even 3 months ago. Is there more work to do? Without a doubt....and I can barely wait to get started.

 

When I told her that her breaking up with me was one of the best things she had ever done for me I was being sincere. I've done a lot of thinking about this over the past 6 months and though I know something like this is highly individualized, I tend to think that everyone should have their heart smashed to bits at least once in their life (preferably when they are mature and before they settle down). Sounds strange, I know, but I can't help but think that without that experience you do not have the opportunity to truly understand not only how you deserve to be treated, but also how you should treat the person whom you love. I said it on an earlier post and I'll say it again: the depth of your love can be measured by the depth of your loss.

 

In my case, I had the good fortune (or misfortune) of NEVER having had a girlfriend breakup with me. In the couple of other 1+ yr long relationships I've had (one of which was 6+ yrs--great woman, impossible relationship with me in law school and her in med school on the other side of the country) I was always the one that broke things off. Moreover, in the first year and a half that the ex pursued me I broke it off once before truly committing (because she was too young and I was afraid that the reality that is today would occur!!) and she was heartbroken to say the least.

 

This type of heartbreak is a new sensation for me and its been eye-opening in terms of how I did, could have, and will conduct myself in a serious relationship. I treated her well, yes, but there was much room for improvement and a need to break out of the roles we had assumed to allow her to gain her independence and equal footing (she was an equal in my eyes, but I think there was always a stigma for her, her knowing that she needed to stand up on her own 2 feet without me as a safety net).

 

Most importantly, I am beginning to truly appreciate that relationships take a lot of work (though I know in this case the breakup was mostly attributable to timing). I had heard it plenty of times in the past but never really listened as I was so used to having her (and past girlfriends) pursue me without having to invest a lot of effort into making sure the relationship was secure. What a delicate dance...be a challenge, don't pursue too much, but make sure you communicate and tend to any fissures in the relationships before they turn into major fractures. No wonder there are so many failed marriages...its a 24x7 365 day a year forever job!!

 

Hmmm...she just called a moment ago, saying she just wanted to say a couple of things: (1) that she had a wonderful/fun time with me this weekend (strange, she had already said that a couple of times on Sunday), and (2) that she wouldn't be comfortable with her friend (who I know well and who said it would be great to get together every now and then) and I talking or hanging out. She said it very politely, said it would be weird for her, I said I understood, no big deal, no problem. I told her I had to get going (which I did) and that was that...short and sweet.

 

Caveat

[trishcollins]

Wow! What a great attitude! "Everyone should have their heart smashed to bits once in their life." I agree, and I have always felt that people can never appreciate the "highs" in life, unless they have been very "low".

 

Every relationship is a life lesson, and hopefully we learn and grow from it. We learn about ourselves and others, and we discover what it is we really want and don't want, and we should take that with us "openly" when we go forward into any relationship.

 

I learned a lot from my previous breakup (7 years ago) and it is helping me cope with my most recent one. This time I will do what's right for me, because I know I have no control over the other person, and that I can only make myself happy.

 

Good for you! I am sure it does everyone good to read that in six months, they could be in the same good place as you are now.

[ladyc]

I am sure it does everyone good to read that in six months, they could be in the same good place as you are now.

 

Yes but only if, like caveat, they immerse themselves in self-growth and other activities, and maintain NC

[trishcollins]

Yup, that is what you need to do to get through it.

[caveat]

Damn...she is shameless.

 

She's called twice in the last couple of days under strange pretenses (e.g. forgot to ask me something, apologizing for calling earlier!, etc.) and then she called again this morning and left a message asking if I could go to lunch with her, apologizing for calling again and that after today she would stop calling. I called back and left a message of my own, thanking her for the invite but that I had lunch plans with someone else.

 

Couple of more weeks before she heads off to school for her final year. I'm guessing that once she is down there amongst her new friends and the distractions (suspension of reality?) that college life affords I will begin to fade from the forefront of her mind.

 

Caveat

[the iguana]

Yeah, NC for me is working, though i get her rearing her head once in awhile (maybe twice a week when she fancies) and i just simply ignore it. I'm sure in one more week (when my girlfriend/questionable goes back for her final year) she'll begin the NC policy as well, as she will start meeting guys and so much for me. But thankfully its MY last year as well, and i can play that game as well

 

Caveat, i wish i had your determination, its a toughie on me.

 

 

[insomnia]

My ex left me to explore her Bi-sexual side. Yup she left me for a woman. We were in love and she said no man or woman could come between us. No one ever put soi much effort into a relationship with me. She had just met my father...NO ONE ever met my dad before. But she met a woman...with my help cuz I wanted to help her have her first experience...it was something she had wanted since she was young but I was the first person she "came out" to. Well at first it was sexual with this girl but now she grew feelings.

 

She wanted time to explore this side of her and we are now on "break"...should I expect her to come back? Should I support her and still talk to her and be a friend? Should I do the NC thing? I'm scared though if I use the NC rule that her feelings will fall for me as her feelings grow for this woman. She already shown signs of that cuz the day we went on break she was crying and said " I don't think I could ever fall out of love with you"...3 days later she tells me she doesn't know if she is still in love.

 

I want to give her a break and not contact her but if she is focusing on this other woman then how wil she miss me or even think of me? She says I'm the only MAN she could ever want and is still in birth control but....I feel I'm gonna lose my best friend.

[caveat]

I feel for you Insomnia...and for her, as she obviously loves you but is struggling with her sexuality.

 

I have two perspectives to share with you:

1. You reap what you sow (different circumstances for me, but I'm a victim of the same harsh lesson). You allowed another person into your relationship and look what happened? She developed feelings for this woman after being intimate with her. C'mon, you should have known this was a possibility before opening that door; I know very few quality women who can be intimate with someone without having some sort of emotional attachment result. Sure, the majority of guys have the '2-women' fantasy at some point, but I don't believe it has any place within a committed relationship as, by definition, its a step backward in committment.

 

In my opinion, within relationships some fantasies have to exist only as fantasies and never make an appearance in the world of reality because a piece of the relationship is sacrificed by fulfilling the fantasy. Did my ex and I ever talk about a fantasy involving another woman? I'll confess...yes, we did, but we both knew that it was a BAD idea, that it would undermine the relationship...and that was that. There are enough relationship-healthy fantasies out there to fill up a life time.

 

That being said, if she was feeling such a strong pull then perhaps this period of exploration was inevitable.

 

2. That being said, my advice to you is to back off and give her space. Pandora's box has been opened and its going to take some time for all of its contents to settle down. Honestly, I don't think hardcore no contact is the way to go right now as you are in some ways responsible for enabling this situation. However, I think you have now realized that this was a BAD idea and that for you to be able to have any security within a relationship with her it has to be just you and her. You should make that clear to her, but do it in such a way that does not come down as condemning of her, rather simply an expression of what you need to do to protect your own heart.

 

If she loves you as deeply as it sounds then give her the space and let her sort out things on her own. She sounds intrigued by what lies behind the doorway she has just walked through, but I'm guessing that the view is far more alluring than the reality. Give her a chance to find out on her own, while allowing her to see the possible price of her exploration, i.e. losing you. What you don't want to do is forcibly pull her back at this point (if she even allowed it).

 

Best of luck,

 

Caveat

[caveat]

My ex drunk-dialed me 7 times last night....7 frickin' times! The first couple of times (around 12:30) she left a couple of messages for me, putting her brother on the phone. Her brother is about 10 yrs. younger than me and in many ways looked up to me as an older brother. She said that 'he misses you. i miss you'. That he just wanted to say hi and that he hoped I could take him hunting like I told him I would last year.

 

I answered none of these calls even though I saw them pop up on my mobile while I was out last night.

 

She then called this morning (again I did not answer), sheepishly apologizing for calling the night before, hoping that I was not angry or bothered, that I could call her back or....she couldn't say what came after 'or', she obviously wants me to call her back.

 

Since my last update, she and I got together one other time. Last Friday I didn't meet her for lunch as you may recall from my last post, but she ended up calling me at 8PM that night, asking if I wanted to grab some sushi. I said, 'C'mon, we talked about this. I don't think its a good idea.' She broke down crying, saying 'I'm sorry. Forget I asked. I'm sorry.', etc. Me being a sucker for a crying woman, I said, 'I'm starving. Lets go. We'll keep it nice and light and just have fun. But your'e buying!'

 

So she comes over to my place to pick me up, I take her to a pretty hip place that opened up recently and we end up having a great time. Dinner ends and she had to go meet up with a couple of her friends down town, and invites me to go. I said no, I need to meet up with some friends of my own. She asks a few more times, and I agree to go for one drink, explaining that I need a ride downtown anyways.

 

We meet her friends (a couple I know well), go to a couple of bars and have a blast. The bars shut down and I walk her and her friends home. They invite me up and she asks me to stay. I tell her I need to get back to my place but she can come with if she wants (yeah, I'm stupid, I know). We go back to my place, talk and laugh for a bit and then hit the sack. Very strange having her back at my place, back in my bed with me. Still amazing just how comfortable we are with one another. We read each other so well (that was her exact comment). Other than a little kissing and a lot of cuddling, we just slept with hands and bodies intertwined.

 

I woke up the next morning, rousted her, telling her that I needed to meet a buddy to go running up in the hills with (which I did). She asked me if I thought it was a mistake for her to come over. I said 'yes', it was kind of weird, but oh well, I had fun.

 

I then drove her to her car and she promised that she wouldn't call anymore. I told her that if she cared for me, she just had to do what was best for me. Simple as that. Talked a bit more, she said 'have a wonderful birthday next week', quick hug which I broke off, she says, 'I don't want to go', I respond with a smirk and tell her, 'Well let me make this easy for you. Get the f*** out of my car.' We both start laughing and she gets out. Right b/f she leaves she says 'happy b-day' again. I respond by hitting the eject button on my CD player and hand her the CD I had made which she had heard while in my car the previous week (she loved it), said 'happy be-lated b-day, K' (we broke up a week b/f her b-day if you recall). She couldn't have been more pleased. And thats how it was left.

 

Until last nights drunken calls that is......sheesh.

 

Caveat

[insomnia]

I know I shouldn't have let this happen. She was just adamant to let me know that this was not going to come between us. Fool I was believed it since I have notes and voicemails saying things like "i just want to prevent any weirdness or anything bad from happening between us. this relationship means soooo much to me, i just dont want it to mess up"...and " i love you and I know that I want you for good...I like her but it is YOU I am in love with". And that was after she saw this woman.

 

Did I mention I live in NY and my ex lives in LA and her "friend" lives in FLorida? SO it was a 3 way long distance things. She tells me still she is not in love with the girl nor sees a relationship coming anytime soon. But at the same time her feelings for me are showing signs of falling. I just got back from seeing her in LA last weekend. I felt since the last person she was with was the other girl I wanted "my time" so she could really see how she feels about me. At first it was cool and we were intimate but after that the othert girl kept calling her cell and texting her over and over. Turns out my ex didn't tell the other girl I was coming. My ex didn't call her all weekend but did text her a few times. Well with all that calling my ex felt bad about dissing her and it affected our weekend.

 

She ends up crying and telling me that it's different now with us and that she doesn't know why...and that she isn't sure she's in love anymore with me. So after a rather awkward weekend I left back to NY and haven't called her since. Well....until today. I text messaged her and said "just wanted to say hi....hope last night went well" (she had a sorority initiation thing last night)....well she hasn't text me back and that's a first. I dunno what to think now.

 

What sucks is that we both are going to Florida next weekend for my frat and her sororities national "party weekend"..sort of a pseudo-spring break for the two bro/sis orgs. Anyways since it is in florida and the other woman is also a member of her sorority...my ex is going to stay with her new "friend". Meanwhile I now have a hotel room to myself. SO all weekend our mutual friends from accross the nation most who don't know about the break..are going to wonder why we aren't together(mind you ALOT of people knew about US and thought we were the perfect couple).. and under the circumstances we can't say EXACTLY why we aren't...as they are keeping their fling under wraps.

 

It's going to be hard not being with her or hardly talking to her that whole weekend. I will try to just move on and flirt with other women and such but this will be the first time we see each other not as bf/gf. This weekend is going to SUCK.

[insomnia]

That's the other thing since this was a "3-way" long distcance thing...the only thing I can see her missing about me is the phone conversations we had...eventhough we saw each other once a month. But now she replaces our converstaions with calls to the other girl...much LONGER calls by the way...were talking 5-6 hours a day..and that's one call! True she has only seen this girl once and sfter next week may not see her again for a long time....but if they have such fgreat conversations...how could she ever miss me? I don't think she even thinks about me now and if she does it aint like "man I miss him"...more like "I hope he's ok but I I just don't love him anymore"

 

GRRRRRRRRRRR!

[insomnia]

I broke down and called her. She answered (surprisingly) and we talked for about 3 minutes...she was durnk and not feeling good...then all the sudden she says "can u hold on a sec?" and clicks over....then comes back and says "can I call u back" I said..."is it ?" and she says "yeah" I said ...well I'll just let u go. She says "ok goodnight" ...to which I hang up and start bawling.

 

She still doesn't care and doesn't miss me. I hate the world right now.

[caveat]

This is hard, I know, but I'm gonna give you a bit of a slap right now because I think you need it.

 

Dude, stop feeling sorry for yourself and pick yourself off the floor. Right now. No more of this wallowing and weeping for her. She's made her bed, let her lay in it. This is no longer about her...its about you.

 

Its time for you to step up my friend. Look forward 10 years, think about how you will reflect about this time in your life. Do you want to (a) have remembrances of laying down and feeling sorry for yourself or (b) do you want to have remembrances of how you picked yourself up, held your head up high and strode forward confidently and strongly? I'll give you a hint: (a) is the wrong answer.

 

You are a 29 year old man living in New York, going to Florida to party with a bunch of sorority girls next weekend. Do you know how many men in this world would KILL to be in your shoes right now??!! Stop focusing on what you don't have and start focusing on the opportunities that lay on your doorstep. The world is at your disposal right now. Take advantage of it.

 

Don't call her anymore. Today is day one of your new life, regardless of what role she plays in it in the future.

 

Caveat

[a_little_sparrow]

Insomniac,

 

I just want to second what caveat has said, and to say that the whole moving on with your life thing is SO crucial. I can say that it was partly caveat's example of going out there and doing things that got me to start training up for this 150 mile 2 day bike ride in September. Why did I do it? Because I wanted a goal through the summer that belonged to me and had nothing to do with the ex. Or my moping for the ex. Or my thoughts about how much I wish... whatever. You get the point.

 

The fact is that the world is a wonderful place. And, sure, it was wonderful with the ex, but in a different way. It's time to quit making your time her time, meaning quit focusing so much on her, and focus more on you. And seriously sports or fitness is a great place to start. Tennis, swimming, biking, all of them keep pushing me out of this funk. There are times when I bike to swim and then bike hom. Anything to work that depression out of the system. And, yeah, I slip out of it. And yeah, there are times when the urge to to give her a call is pretty intense. But it'll accomplish nothing for me or her.

 

Or you. Seriously. Listen to caveat. The guy went 5 MONTHS with no contact. I know where you are right now, and I know that at that point I could barely pick myself up off the couch. But there was something that picked me up, an inner strength that has slowly emerged as that better part of my character. A part that I'd like to see a lot more of 1 month from now, 2 months from now, 5 months. You get the idea.