"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

[Luz21]

You are awesome. You express yourself very well. It encourages me that men are like this. You will be more than fine.

[Luz21]

Oh yeah- and in an ironic twist, I am in the exact situation with a guy like you described- same exact situation, but I am the other girl. See my earlier post.

[Luz21]

sorry for your pain. i know it sucks.

[xprincessbugx]

I guess everyone has their own perspective of what a break is in their relationship. Whenever my boyfriend and I take a break its usually because we've been fighting a lot and cant talk without arguing. We haven't take very many breaks. I think like 2 but anyway, usually when we take a break it only lasts 2 days tops b.c. we realize we cant go without talking to each other and we really cant be without each other. Some people see it as stupid and why not just break up, but sometimes its good to not talk and go without each other for a little bit. It makes for a better relationship I think. People don't get along all the time and sometimes you need that extra time for yourself to think things through.

[caveat]

Almost 2 years since my first post. Time flies when you are having fun, eh?

 

I'm sure many of you are scouring this site in the hopes of finding stories with a fairy tale ending where true love prevails, the lovers re-unite and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, I can't say that my current situation offers a great deal of hope for those of you looking for such an ending, but perhaps it provides for a bit of more realistic optimism.

 

She is back in my life full force and though we are far from being the ideal couple, we are trying to figure this thing out together. She is unwilling to give up and though in the long run it may make more sense for me to be a bit more callous and simply cut her out of my life, I'm not able to at the moment. Are we dating? Well, neither of us call it that, but thats pretty much what it is. Things are moving slowly and both of us are very wary of one another, but all in all I'd have to say things are good.

 

Is it a healthy relationship yet? Hell no. If there wasn't a commitment from her to try to figure this thing out I would be long gone. If she started dating other people at this point I would be long gone. She knows that to be the truth and is scared to death of losing me. So what are we doing? Frankly, I'm not sure, but I do know we are having a great time with one another and talking, talking, talking. And yes, sleeping together too (taking that one very slow though).

 

There is still a lot of uncertainty around where this is headed, but all in all the two of us are far closer now than we have ever been. Its been a crazy couple of years, but all in all life is very good at the moment....

 

Caveat

[Twisted]

I read most of what's been written, and I feel I need to add my situation for other people's views....please....

 

It happened yesterday, and I'm still in shock. We've been friends for almost 10 years, dated for the last (almost) 3 years. She's been going through some tough times...in a profession that she's worked all her life to obtain, and she's second guessing her desire to continue in the profession. Long hours and stressful. Plus her grandmother is not doing too well, and expects her grandmother's battle with cancer to end in a couple of months. Plus, a lot of her friends are talking about or getting engaged and married. She's put a lot of stress on herself (and on "us") to get to a point after 3 years of a relationship to re-evaluate. She's decided that she needs a "break". Without giving me a specific timeline, she mentioned months, several months. To further throw gas on the fire, she's in the bridal party at my brother's wedding in 3 months (and I'm the best man).

 

I don't know where it all went wrong. We've had our differences, and I've attributed it to stress...stuff that we'd work out and issues that we've definitely been improving on. Then, she asked me out for lunch yesterday and we walked there...about a 20 mins walk. Halfway back home after lunch, she throws out this grenade about her going on a "quarter-century life crisis".

 

She's only been in one serious long term relationship (this one) and she's wondering what else is out there. I've never pressured her about marriage, engagement, any of that. In fact, she's the one that's dragged me into jewelry stores looking at rings, and sending me internet links of engagment rings. I'm totally wracking my mind over what's happened?

 

I know I need to keep myself occupied and busy doing other stuff...but the wound is just so incredibly fresh. I need confirmation that I shouldn't contact her.

[Mavh25]

a break is cowhardly, a ridiculous excuse to not have to say i dont want to be with you any more, just a load of crap. Dont see how anyone can love someone and want to stay with them, and then say ermmmm but can i like not see you for a couple of months? no sense, nothing, its pathetic and cowhardly

[miticalzz]

I think a break is a crock of * * * *! A big waste of time and effort. It's just makes it easy on the person who wants to do the breaking up. Then they like still want to see you but don't really want to commit or be in a relationship with you. It's just away to keep ya around until they find someone else.

[Twisted]

yeah, I agree. That's what I was debating with her. To me, unless you can say for how long and what you hope to accomplish from a "Break", you're talking break-up. And definitely, when you're talking about "free to see other people" that's a break-up for sure.

[miticalzz]

yes this is what my ex told me. He said we were taking a break because are problems together were more then he could bear. He was on the verge of exploiding and didn't want to take things out on me. So I was like "what exactly do you mean by a break" he replied there's no time limit on this. If it's meant to be we will get back together. So I then asked, " does this mean you will be seeing other people?" he responded, "there are NO rules to this"

 

I should have known right there, what a crock!!!

[dwbh]

Caveat-

What's the latest? I've just read this entire thread and its really giving me some perspective into my own situation. Just curious as to what your situation is with you girl?

[caveat]

DWBH-

 

I haven't had time to dig through your posts to find out your own situation, but if as you have mentioned its in any way similar to what I experienced in the first 1+ year of the break up (and believe me, even if they call it a 'break' odds are its a breakup) then I'm sure you are going through the whole gamut of emotions. Not too fun, eh?

 

Fun? NO. Valuable life situation? You better frickin' believe it. In my case, the education continues...for both her and I.

 

The quick and dirty summary of the 'latest' is that she and I are dating again, spending a lot of time together, some of which is spent just having a good time, some of which is spent talking about what happened, what is happening and what may happen in the future. Sex? Yup, frequently, (probably shouldn't, but one can only be so strong at times...), but it took awhile for us to get there and in a lot of ways the physical side of the relationship is taking the path it should have taken the first time (the first time the relationship started off very physically...in fact, in the first year sex was pretty much the driving force for me).

 

Now don't break out the champagne any time soon for me, because there is still a lot of sh*t to resolve between the two of us. She has her concerns, I have mine. Those mutual concerns have on a couple of occasions led to me (most recent instance was a few months ago) suggesting that we try to move things towards friendship rather than risk pushing things to a point where we ended up hating one another and concluding such a long stretch of life on a sour note. I have to admit, when she came back to the city I live in and made a point of showing up in my life repeatedly, yet reiiterating her confusion on what she wants, I blew up on her a number of times, telling her to stay away if that is the case. She can't, she won't.

 

She has had a lot of turmoil in her life in the past year and a half, and while I made sure I was not being used as a security blanket, I was there for her in many ways. Things are settling down now and she has managed to land a great job in the city which in many ways marks the end of the road she and I started down so many years ago (i.e. her goal of getting into school and landing a job in the graphics design industry).

 

Her angst (as she has described to me on many occasions) now is centered around a desire to embark on a secure/stable lifestyle or one where she goes out and explores more on her own. I have zero desire to influence that decision and she knows that. She has to do what she wants and she knows that I support it. If anything, I encourage her to go out and be less risk-averse. Life is too frickin' short.

 

As always, my actions speak louder than my words. She knows how I feel and I show it, but she also knows that if she opts to take a path that I cannot share with her I will not hesitate to go my own way.

 

There will be a point where the relationship will have to progress in order to survive, but I am content with where things stand at the moment. I have my moments of doubt, yes, but all in all, I'm enjoying life, have no shortage of friends or funds, and for the time being am OK with turning down other interested women (shocking to my buddies) while this plays out a bit more.

 

My advice to you is to not act rashly regardless of what type of impulses you are feeling. Know the difference between instinct and panic. Often times, a bit of patience and confidence in yourself will allow for a lot of whats hidden or unknown to either show itself or become irrelevant.

 

Good luck.

 

Caveat

[Twisted]

Caveat,

 

That is extremely deep. I'm happy for you that things are looking good.

 

I'm periodically reminded of that phrase, "life is too short" and of it's implications. Since life is short do you go after what you want or do you go and explore other options? Obviously I'm saying do I try to patch things up or just forget about it and move on. I suppose the true response would be to try to work things out with an honest effort. However, if it doesn't work out then move on. The problem is figuring out when to put forth that effort to try and resolve matters?

 

For my situation it's only been a handful of days and everything is still fresh. For some reason I'm tempted to reach out and make "first" contact sooner rather than later. I know that I want to hold off on any contact for as long as I can, but it's just too easy to dial a phone number that I've dialled a thousand times before. I'll always muster the courage to dial every number except the last digit and just contemplate on pressing that last button. It's a stupid habit I get when I'm nervous, but everyone has their quirks.

 

I don't know why I'm babbling on like this, I guess it just shows my confusion. I'm hoping that thinking aloud and seeing my thoughts written down in front of me will help show me what to do next.

 

Well, the real reason for my current state of distress is how her and I are interpreting this time apart. I'm looking at it as a time to give her space and let her figure things out. But, from a mutual friend I hear that she is looking at it as a break-up. I guess what I'm really looking for is closure?...direction?...dunno.

 

Although probably none of this post makes sense to anyone (least of all me), I'll post it anyways as a reminder to myself of how confused I really am.

[caveat]

Twisted,

 

The funny thing is that when I look at my own situation I don't think of it as looking good or bad. It just is what it is. Thats whats been very strange lately. Whereas in the beginning I might have looked at her showing this level interest as 'good' because it would have fed my desire to have her back in my life, today its more a matter of looking at the situation and determining if it feels RIGHT, which it for the most part does at the moment. If it reached a point where it didn't feel right and there was no effort on either our parts to correct it then it would be easy for me to walk away.

 

This woman loves me deeply, of that I have no doubt. Its not infatuation, its not neediness. I've heard the tearful "I can't lose you" more times than I care to remember. But she is scared to death of missing out on all of the thrills and excitement that single life has to offer. My answer to her is simple: go do what you want to do. If it doesn't work for me I'll let you know and if it involves doing things that cheapen us (even if I don't know about it) then thats your cross to bear.

 

This is my way of dealing with my situation and it certainly may not be the best approach for other people (or for me for that matter), but I'm at peace with it. I'll keep the moral high ground, won't deliver ultimatums, will support her decisions, and if those decisions/choices don't take my best interests in mind, well then, it will be easy enough for me to say goodbye.

 

And yeah, I love her deeply too. Ain't love a * * * * *?

 

As for your situation, the best piece of advice I can give you is to listen to the opinions of others, but make your own decisions. Realize that NOBODY can fully understand the dynamics between two people who have been closely intertwined for a significant period of time and shared a lot of life experiences together. Patience, understanding and forgiveness have to be balanced by self-respect, dignity and a resolution to keep one's life moving forward in a positive direction.

 

I think its damn near impossible for you to have that perspective at this point. If you do the research you'll find that love is almost like an addiction and that it has a physiological effect on people that is hard if not impossible to explain. When required to go cold-turkey the withdrawals result in physical and emotional pain. I went through that. I'll never forget it.

 

When my ex started to waffle on me, I flushed it out into the open and wisely or unwisely cut things off completely. No contact for about 6 months. The temptation to reach out to her was unreal, but I chose to channel it into other things such as exercise, getting re-engaged into old hobbies, starting new ones, etc. Before I knew it I had completely overhauled my life and crazy enough.....I was/am happy.

 

This sucks to hear, but you HAVE to interpret this as a break up if you are going to regain your composure. This does NOT mean there is no chance of a reconciliation, but it does mean that this chapter of your relationship with her is over. Perhaps the next will include her, perhaps not. In either case, you are right to be asking about what direction you should head.

 

In my opinion (see disclaimer re. opinions above....) you should think about continuing no contact, realizing that there is very little chance that what prompted her to want to exit the relationship will go away with her knowing that you are waiting to take her back if she changes her mind.

 

You don't realize it yet, but the flipside to this painful change in your life is huge opportunity. You are now single. Think about that for a moment. Sure, being single can be lonely at times and being in a relationship can be awesome, but who the hell wants to be in a relationship where the other person doesn't fully appreciate you and is not willing to put in the work or make the compromise to get through a rough patch?

 

Go out and talk to some of your married friends if you have any. Ask them what they miss most from their single days (excluding the obvious). You are on your own calendar, you can go where you want, do what you want, etc., without concerning yourself with what she wants or when she wants to do it. Make the most of it my friend, it won't last very long : ).

 

Give yourself some time and realize that its perfectly normal to feel as you do at the moment.

 

It sucks, but you have to show your strength now.

 

Best,

Caveat

[Twisted]

Caveat,

 

Truer words have never been spoken. I've been on the other side of the coin so many times, comforting friends who've just ended a relationship. Told them to keep busy, not to worry, etc etc. And now I'm in the situation and it's so incredibly difficult to swallow that pill.

 

Everyone I've spoken to agree that I "simply" need to keep myself busy. So, I just got back from checking out a fitness gym. Geez, I'm gonna make it my goal to make this place my home away from home. I think I can pick a motivation to do that extra rep.

 

Caveat, you're a good person. Thanks.

[dwbh]

Caveat-

 

You really talk some sense and I'm glad things are looking up for you with your relationship despite the fact that there seens to be some mixed signals with your girl.

 

As for me and my ex we've only been broke up since January so the wounds are still fresh. I've been trying hard to implement the NC rule, but alas I broke it a couple times and even more recently on Monday (as it was his birthday) and I went to his house and one thing led to another....

 

I'm sure the NC rule is probably the best for me (for us) at this juncture, but to be devil's advocate I justify me breaking the rules with the excuse that there is no one principle or rule that can be applied to every relationship/circumstance. I feel like my ex is so much a part of me and that even if in the future we are not in the capacity of husband and wife that I would want him to be at least a friend (and he feels the same). The good thing that the last time I've broken NC is I didn't feel the neediness to get back into the relationship. And even when we saw each other last and we became intimate- the next day- I felt unemotional about what happened and it was a very bizarre feeling.

 

Another way I've justified me breaking the NC rule is the feeling that my ex and I have limited time together- meaning that I'm anticipating that at some point in time we'll both find someone else and we'll both move on with our lives. I guess that fear of us moving on makes me want to maximize the 'time we have left together.' I don't know if this makes sense or not.....

 

Deep down and being a more logical I know that 2.5 mos is not enough time to hear from a LTR of 8 years. I guess for now I'm just taking each day as it comes.....I don't know if I will continue trying to implement the NC rule or not.... such a hard decision...

[caveat]

Twisted,

 

There is nothing simple about keeping yourself busy right now, but its an essential step to getting back on the right path. She is going to plague nearly every waking thought for a bit and probably a few dreams as well. Keeping yourself busy with even the most mundane of tasks does a couple of things: it serves as a reprieve from dwelling on things for too long and gives you a shot of accomplishment/confidence when you get something done. Exercise (and I mean serious, hardcore exercise) is three for the price of one. It consumes time and energy, requiring you to focus on the task at hand, it generates endorphins, natures natural high, and it results in trimmer/fitter you (translation = more attractive). The combination of all these things = a more confident, energized you. Relationship issues or not, its a great means of keeping yourself balanced.

 

Spoil yourself a bit as well. Overhaul your wardrobe, take a vacation somewhere you have always wanted to go to, buy that new toy you've been eyeballing, etc.

 

All of this is basically a means of getting back your individuality and self-confidence. She left a hole/crater behind. Its time for you to fill it, one shovel full at a time. Get to work...I guarantee you you will almost immediately feel better.

 

DWBH,

 

You are absolutely right: there is no one set of principles or rules that can be applied to every situation. You have to do what you feel is right. For me, the initial NC was essential to get my house back in order so that I was in a better mental state to make decisions. If you are able to handle the contact and are prepared to transition your relationship into a friendship, more power to you. There was no way I could do that when the wound was fresh. I could do it now if things between her and I made that the obvious path.

 

Just be careful. If you really feel that the end of the road is not far ahead and you are trying to maximize your time with him until it truly ends I fear that you may be opening yourself up to more pain than you should invite. Hope and refusal to see things as they are can sometimes make us do crazy things.

 

I get this visual of you shuffling down the road, knowing that the cliff's edge awaits not far ahead, fully prepared to shuffle right off of it. I would much rather have a visual of you stopping dead in your tracks, holding your head up high, turning and taking the fork in the road that leads you to greener pastures....

 

Caveat

[dwbh]

Caveat-

 

You make some really good points, thank you for the advise. Although I've convinced myself that I'm 'over' the ex and our 'relationship' I'm sure I still have a lot of healing to do and I recognize that. Sometimes its just easier to brainwash yourself to believing something so that it hurts less.

 

I've read through this whole thread, seeing how you've progressed, and as most people on this board have commented- you've done tremendously well for yourself and have proven self respect and much kudos to you. At the same time- based on you're latest update I question whether there really has been much progress as I believe you're relationship seems to be on the same premise as when you first broke up in the first place. It seems you're girlfriend is still undecided and even more so seems to want to 'have her cake and eat it too' so to speak. I'm sure the year apart has done much for the both of you individually, but did it do much to the relationship?

 

These are just my thoughts-I don't want to sound in anyway harsh or disrespectful.

[caveat]

DWBH,

 

These are just my thoughts-I don't want to sound in anyway harsh or disrespectful.

No worries. I didn't take your read on things as being either harsh or disrespectful, only an honest and objective opinion based on the information provided.

 

In a lot of ways the 'relationship' is at a point similar to where it was at the time of the initial split. There has been no verbal expression of exclusive 'commitment' other than her saying she is not seeing anyone else and is not looking to meet anyone else, she is free to do whatever she wants, she is still uncertain about her future plans. However, in a lot of ways things are very different and I'm past the point of needing to hear words from her which speak to her desire to be with me. I need only to gauge her actions and right now her actions are all about being with me. Sure, that could change and if it did and she again started to waffle I would be done once and for all, but I see no upside in pushing her into a corner and laying down ultimatums. She will do as she wants to do and if that results in her doing something that undermines the renewed relationship thats underway then I have my answer.

 

The fact that long distance is no longer a factor is significant, as is the fact that she is no longer in school, as is the fact that she is now a couple of years older (just turned 26, we split just before her 24th bday). Yeah, I know...none of that means squat unless it results in her valuing the relationship more and in turn translating that into a desire for exclusivity.

 

A large part of the equation (as to why I'm allowing things to play out as I am) has to do with how her and my relationship started the first time around. As you may have read in the earlier part of my thread, it was not the typical 'boy meets girl. boy and girl date and fall in love. boy and girl profess undying love and walk into the sunset hand in hand'. It was more like 'hot teen secretary meets young corporate attorney, hot teen secretary pursues young corporate attorney relentlessly, young corporate attorney uses hot teen secretary as booty call for nearly 2 years while dating others, young corporate attorney finally does the right thing and declares he's ready to graduate to boyfriend status and acknowledge the relationship publicly, young corporate attorney and hot teen secretary date for three years, hot young secretary moves to school and realizes there's a big world out there'. I think you get the picture.

 

In short, the first time around was less than a story book beginning to a relationship. I'm not proud of it. It is what it is. This time around I'm doing it the right way...and she is responding to it well. The added bonus was that the first time around she was dependent on me and looked to me for guidance/protection. That is definitely NOT the case this time. The playing field has been more than leveled. If I were to take the position of requiring her to declare that she made a mistake, get on her hands and knees and beg, kow tow to an ultimatum, to me it would feel a lot like how it started the first time: unhealthy.

 

Whether all of that adds up to a possibility at a healthy committed relationship I can't say yet, but if it fails I will know that it wasn't because of how it started.

 

Yeah, it might be easier to simply migrate this into a friendship (and maybe thats where it ends), but I am not prepared to go that route yet.

 

Best,

Caveat

[Twisted]

It just keeps getting more and more complicated:

 

Tonight, we were scheduled to go to watch a show with tickets that were purchased long ago. So, naturally there was an empty seat the entire night. That's pretty frikkin bad and upsetting.

 

No matter how much I tried not to concentrate on it, an empty seat was pretty hard to ignore.

 

Tough times.

[kadvati79]

I'm going to ausi next week with work... purchased some tickets a while ago to go to melbourne at the end of my work as a surprise for my ex... ex dumps me three days later. Its going to be weird going on the flight but I have friends in melbourne, and i'm damn determined to go have a good time, shop, and catch up with friends.

 

The hard part was restraining myself from telling my ex about the tickets... the old "desperate leverage" angle... hahaha

[SuperDuperDude]

Hey, Caveat. I just read through this entire thread. For an online messageboard, this has been an extremely surprisingly coherent thread. In any case, I just wanted to let you know that I've been going through remarkably similar situation to yours in the last few days, and after going from being confused, sad, angry, and happy about the "break," this whole thing has really put things in perspective. Who knows if you even still post here, but thanks for all the insight. I didn't actually read the last couple of pages, because I've been at it off and on for about 2 hours now, but how are things?

[rimshot22]

You definitely are doing the right thing. I'm in a similar situation of about 1 month. I started NC immediately and have held strong thus far. It's been really tough, but I have a few friends I call when I get the urge to contact her.

 

Your comment about doing all you could for her really moved me. I feel the same about my situation which is why I've decided that if there is going to be contact it will be initiated by her. I have to accept the fact that I may never see or speak to her again-that's reality.

 

What has made it a bit easier for me is listening to my friends tell me that I deserve better. A week after the break up I could only think of al the really crappy things she did that hurt me. I am also at the point where I'm unsure if I would take her back-I know I wouldn't without some serious changes. Hopefully the time will come where I realize we made the best decision for ourselves.

 

I still feel very lost at times each and every day. I try to stay as busy as possible, work out to relieve stress, and hang out with friends as much as possible.

 

Hang in there!

[NCTuskie]

Presently, I've not read the entire thread, but going off the first post my thoughts...

 

In the breakups I've had... especially being the Dumpee... being told, "lets be friends", "I need a break", "I need time to get it together", etc is by far the toughest to deal with. I think those comments skirt the real issue thats bothering the dumper altogether. Also, bottom line it leaves no closure for the dumpee, and it gives the dumpee hope.

 

In my current situation, I would have much rather been cheated on, lied to, used and abused, than to have been told "I need time to get it together". It leaves so much open. At least with the aforementioned issues, in my personal opinion, are the points-of-no-return. I'll never take back anybody who has done any of those to me. I'll grieve for a day or two, then it's back to business as usual. This what I have been going through for the past three weeks is not cool.

 

Because of that, whenever I have to be the bearer of bad news, I try to be as frank as possible. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't, but I always give them the truth.

[Snow Patrol]

I know exactly what you mean. 2 1/2 years of a solid relationship and she tells me "I need to try this" and that the only way she will know if we are meant to be together is if she is single for a while and see how she feels. She said in a month she may or may not feel differently.

 

So a break up with a chance of reconciliation is how I'm looking at it. I think she is confused and time will help her make sense of things.