"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

[insomnia]

I'n trying my best to just workout and study for an exam that weill get me a promotion. What is so hard about this is the fact that she left me for a woman.....that's something I cxan't compete with. And even if we ever did get back together, and say...got married how would I know she wouldn't miss the sensuality of a woman and sneak around with one behind my back. She got a taste of her other side and she really loves it. She tells me I'm the only MAN she could ever want but who knows if she will ever want a man again.

 

I know I should just do my own thing and move on but it's hard cuz I am really picky and it was 3 years before I found someone whom I coul dtruly be myself with. She literally had 90% of the qualities I wanted in a woman and from what her friends and family said I changed her life and she never seemed so happy. Then all the sudden it's gone. I had a great relationship...no problems and promising future and I still lost her. How am I ever supposed to believe I can have a great relationship again?

 

And I see on this website so many people sad and upset or breaking up or confused....maybe I just don't want to deal with a relationship again. I had my one great love and she left me....maybe that's a sign I need to just be alone and enjoy life withoutt hopes for love or family...etc etc.

 

My father lives alone and dates and has no real responsibilities to anyone but himself. He seems happy...maybe that's the route I should take. Alot of people in NYC are single and are happy with that. NYC is the best city to be alone in cuz no one cares about you. You literally get "lost in the crowd"....

 

Yes...I had a taste of true love. I did everfything I could to be a great man to her and she was happy....but it's a woman that could take her form me. I don;t want to go through dating and meeting family and who calls who and the whole game again.

 

I'll just handle life as it comes...if I feel like calling her I will just write what I was gonna say down and read it to myself. Thanks again all of you I will keep you posted on my progress.

[caveat]

Nice work, Sparrow! 150 mile, 2-day ride...that should be a great experience/accomplishment for you. Are you calendaring any other events? As I'm sure you are finding out, nothing makes you feel more alive than pushing yourself to your limit and accomplishing goals/tests that just a year ago seemed so insurmountable.

 

Climbing up the East face of Mt. Shasta with crampons and ice axe about a month and a half ago made me feel so damn alive. I recall being about 13500 feet up on a 45 degree pitch of ice, 75 lb. pack on my back (knowing that if I lost my footing and failed to arrest immediately it would be a long, fast slide down for a couple thousand feet), looking down at the cloud line (I've got a couple of great pix), sucking the thin air....and simply revelling in how alive I felt. Then skiing down from the summit, seemingly at 1000MPH, catching big air off a cornice...I think I almost heard myself giggling with the exhiliration.

 

My torn hamstring is healing nicely and my physical therapist says I should be more than ready to run the Honolulu marathon in December. Kitesurfing is gonna have to wait for a couple of more weeks, but I should be able to get at least a month in before the winds die down. That will get me to winter and I have BIG plans for the upcoming snow season. I plan to hit every double black diamond run I can find...and a couple of my buddies and I are already mapping out a couple of snowshoeing/mountaineering/skiing expeditions that get us into some wicked back country runs.

 

Keep holding to those goals...its amazing how the body will continue to respond when you continue to push it. I've got my workouts dialed in to keep my body prepped for all these events (my trainer mapped out an awesome program for the next year--I highly recommend synching up with a good trainer to get a goal-oriented program laid out) and my benchmarks for the rest of 2004 and first half of 2005 are set:

-Keep my weight at 165 lbs.

-Keep my body fat % at 6%.

-Increase my bench press from 300lbs. to 330lbs.

-Increase my squats from sets of 245lbs to sets of 300lbs.

-Drop my 5 mile trail run time from 32.5 minutes to sub 30 minutes.

 

Goal for summer 2005 is to knock down my first triathlon!!

 

Keep up the good work!!!!

 

Caveat

[caveat]

Okay, the past couple of weeks have been somewhat bizarre and I guarantee you that I wouldn't have weathered them as well as I have had I not spent the time to work on myself and get my ship righted (or at least partially so).

 

5+ months of no contact after I laid down the ultimatum, she calls, we meet and she basically reiterates (in much more detail) how she needs to be independent and how I should let go, 'whatever is meant to be is meant to be', etc. We say our goodbyes but over the course of the next few weeks we meet a couple of more times, all at her prompting. Honestly, I wanted to see her and had a great time with her everytime we got together. I would love to see her more, but not under these conditions.

 

She called continuously, never allowing more than a day to pass. I asked her not to call anymore, when she asked if she could call me on my Bday I said please don't, send a card if you want. She sends the card ('you truly deserve the best the world has to offer. I love you and miss you.'), calls twice (I don't pick up or respond), emails me. Next day I send her a text simply saying thanks for the card and call. She immediately responds with texts and calls asking if I will talk to her.

 

This builds to a head over the next couple of days. She continues to call and manages to get me in the middle of a dinner I'm hosting (40 frickin' people from a dozen different countries) at a high end restaurant where the booze was flowing (open tab! woo hoo!) and we talk for almost an hour and a half (very rude of me as a host) at which point she breaks down into tears despite me being on my best behavior, being very supportive of her decision and simply answering her honestly and with nothing but the best of intentions. She said that I had changed so much and that she felt that maybe she had been holding me back, that she was scared that she was making such a huge mistake and that she would regret it forever. I said that she was now in a position where whatever choice she made would result in regrets one way or the other and that she had to what she felt she needed to make her happy.

 

She wanted to see me that night. I said no. Then how about the next day for lunch? I said no. I simply couldn't...I had other commitments that wouldn't have been right to break. I finally was able to exit the call gracefully, telling her that we could talk the next day if she wanted to finish the conversation.

 

So she calls the next day (Friday), leaving a message that she ran into one of my sisters randomly and had a quick lunch with her (they used to get along fabulously), I don't call back...I was actually kind of annoyed that she imposed on my sister during such an awkward time. She called later that evening and at that point I was extremely tired after a long week of entertaining out of town co-workers who tried their damndest (and succeeded) in keeping me out late Tues. through Thurs. (my Bday was wednesday...happy Bday to me) and I just didn't have the energy for another long talk so cut it short.

 

She called and texted again later that night and we talked at length again, her asking if I was still pessimistic about our odds of reconciling in the future, me responding with yes, that relationships like ours often times boil down to timing and that I needed to move on rather than wait for her to decide if/when she wanted to be with me. She was insistent about remaining optimistic and apologized in advance for any 'drunk dials' I would get in the future and that it would be nice to be able to see me when she came into town next (she went back to school the next day). I told her that I was sure that once she got back to school I would slip back to the back of her mind so not to sweat it, I'm fine, moving on, that her telling me nothing had changed was the final piece of the equation which would allow me to move on (which is the truth).

 

She also asked me to call her if I decided to relocate (I've been presented with the possibility of either relocating to Japan or Hawaii...remote chance, but its beginning to look more realistic), told her I would send her a postcard if I did. She insisted that I call in advance...she is shameless!

 

So she feels me slipping by...and rightfully so. I'm moving on and yeah, it hurts, I do love her, know that we would be good together, but it also feels so good...I've taken charge of my life and am not allowing it to be controlled by her confusion.

 

No calls since then and I suspect it will be some time before we talk again, but for those of you out there who are hurting from your breakup, take heart, it DOES get better and you WILL get stronger. Just make sure to make good use of your time. I credit 5+ months of no contact and making good use of that time. Had I been in constant contact with her, I would have made no headway on re-securing my own happiness. Still a long way to go, but the path is clear.

 

Am I being to harsh?

 

Caveat

[Mun]

Hello Caveat,

No you are not being too harsh. You are looking out for your own best interest. At this point that is what you must do.

 

By the way.

[caveat]

Thanks Muneca!!!

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey caveat,

 

Just to chime in another two cents, I don't think you're being too harsh. If anything I'm amazed at this whole situation. In the first place that she feels she could keep you out there ("Do we have any hope of getting together in the future?") without recognizing the full scope of her selfishness. Perhaps she knows she's being selfish, and she has every right to at least ask the question. But this frustration that she's feeling about your skepticism regarding the future seems very similar to the frustration you've felt about her asking for a break in the first place.

 

I have to say also, though, that your steadfastness and refusal to indulge her questions about the future are amazing. If I was in the same situation, I don't know what my reaction would be. But I have to say watching you play your situation out gives me a better idea of how I need to react should I face the same types of questions. I'm more pessimistic that I will have to answer those questions as I think my ex has made up her mind. But I'm going to be seeing her a lot this school year as we're both working or attending the same university, in the same department, in the same social circle. Yes, no contact would be better, seeing her still causes me some anxiety, but my attitude is more and more about me, and what I can do for myself.

 

Anyway. Thanks caveat for continuing to post your story here.

[caveat]

She IS being totally selfish and thats fine if that selfishness is constrained to her own, new world. She decided to step out of mine and to the extent that she thinks I will permit her to now poke her head in from time to time under conditions other than those of my sole choosing she is sorely mistaken. I have been too kind to her in the past, protecting her at every turn, sacrificing myself for her comfort and happiness, loving her unconditionally. That was my mistake, but I gave it freely and will give it again to the next woman who I open my heart to. She is quickly learning that that luxury is not suspended in animation, waiting for her return, but rather moving on and leaving her behind. I have too much to give to waste on someone who will freely take without giving back.

 

The absense of any malice on my part when we talk is also what is freaking her out because she knows that I say what I believe and I act on what I say. Yes, I tell her I love her and that we could be good together, but all that is said in the context of the reality of the situation she has created and my decision to move forward and not be paralyzed by her confusion. She knows how strong I am, knows that I can endure a great deal of pain while staying on the path that will ultimately get me to where I need to be, and seeing me this past month only reinforced that knowledge.

 

What she is beginning to learn is that she is quickly rejoining the ranks of the general population. There will be no special treatment, I will not put myself out to help her or her family, my family and friends will become memories only. This major part of her life will not only be out of sight, it will be GONE. Like I told her, during those months of no contact I worked through the worst of the perception of life without her...knowing her, that realization has not yet truly begun to sink in.

 

She knows (and I know) that she will regret losing me someday. She's trying to cling to the hope that she will be able to return. When we spoke Fri and Sat she said that she sees me in her life forever. My response: the more time we are apart the more that will fade and that is why I need you to stop contacting me, because I need to get on with my life and you with yours.

 

I've spent my entire life trying to be a good, well rounded, successful person and for the most part I think I've done a pretty good job. It has not been easy and I have made sacrifices and fought in so many damn battles to get to where I am that I am not about to let someone take the end product for granted. THAT is the source of my steadfastness. Think about it. You know you are a solid person, that you have a world to offer and are willing to offer it. A world that you have put your blood, sweat and tears to secure. You have laid that world at their feet and invited them to share it. You are not asking that they give up their own, only inviting them to spend time in yours as that special person who gets access to parts of your world NOBODY else gets access to. In the legal world its called "exclusivity" and its one of the highest priced rights that can be solicited...and for good reason. In the real world of relationships its much more valuable.

 

Remember, what you have to offer is a PRIVILEGE that you are in sole control of giving or taking, it is NOT an OPTION that they can exercise on a whim.

 

Caveat

[Mun]

Very good post Caveat, very eloquent.

 

I can see that you are well on your way to something much better. You have so much strength and determination that I have a feeling you will inspire more than one person on this board.

 

I heard a Spanish song say this " a woman that is cherished too much has one defect --if you spoil her constantly she never learns how to love"

[caveat]

Thanks Muneca! One way or another I am going to turn this situation into a positive experience. The only way I wouldn't or couldn't would be if I gave up on ME, not the relationship. And that just ain't gonna happen.

 

She's a good woman and one day will be a great woman if she learns to balance her stubborness with the reality that you can't always get what you want and that the price of some things in life grossly exceed their true value.

 

Caveat

[caveat]

Sorry for the length of this post. I'm writing this up to simply get some thoughts out about some recent developments.

 

A month has passed since I last spoke to the ex (there was a 3 week flurry of contact after nearly 6 months of zero contact) and except for a late night round of calls (which I didn't pick up or respond to) a few weeks back, I heard nothing more from her...until this past Saturday evening.

 

I was out with some friends at a bar when she called (around midnight). I had a few drinks in me and thought, what the hell, I'll pick up. I could barely hear her over the music and my friends (female) so I told (shouted over the music) her that we should talk some other time. "Some other time or later tonight?", she asked. I said "Some other time". She begged me to talk to her for just a minute, I said it was too loud, and that it was too much of a battle to get outside where I could hear her. She begged some more, so I said okay...she heard the girls (she doesn't know them...I just met them a few weeks ago) asking where I was going and me telling them that I'd be back in a bit.

 

Short version: she's a mess. She's having a tough time with school(tough schedule this year), trying to adjust to living with 3 new roommates (she has a strong personality and I have no doubt she will be butting heads with at least one of them), haivng a tough time financially, and misses me 'so much'.

 

I pulled no punches during our little talk. I was polite, nice, had her laughing hysterically when she wasn't crying, but I was very firm and resolute as well. She kept saying how she was so happy that I was doing so well, that it was amazing, that she wasn't doing nearly as well. I told her I was just getting warmed up and that 2005 will be a big year for me...I have some big plans for 2005. So I ask her, whats up? She said she just wanted to talk to me, that she misses me, misses the sound of my voice and our friendship. That she really appreciates me and everything I did for her. She said that twice and I told her to stop saying that, that I didn't need to hear that and that she didn't need to thank me for it. That I did what I did out of love, not out of obligation and her telling me 'thanks' made it almost sound like I performed a 'service' and am being thanked for a 'job well done'. She apologized and said she didn't mean it that way. When I told her that I did it because we 'had' something special she said 'had?', I said, 'yes, 'had', as in the past'. I could tell that hit her pretty hard.

 

Again, I asked, 'whats up?', that if she does appreciate me and wants whats best for me she should not disrupt my life simply because she wants to hear my voice. I said this very nicely and she admitted she was being selfish. I said 'no problem' but just keep my best interests in mind.

 

I kept trying to get off the phone, she kept asking for a couple of more minutes, saying that it took a lot for her to call, that she has punched in my # a bunch of times, but resisted hitting send. She said she would be in town next weekend and it would be great to get together...I said, I'm sorry, but I'll be out of town (which I will be) on a hunting trip.

 

She then says that her dad has tix to an annual concert that she and I went to a couple of times and that he asked if I wanted them. I said tell him thanks (and hello! he's a cool guy), but that I will be in Hawaii that week looking at property (which I will be).

 

She knows that I'm considering relocating to either Japan or Hawaii in 2005, but I think she thought I wasn't all that serious about it. I could tell the realization that I'm deadly serious about it (just put an application in for a ticket for unlimited flights to/from Hawaii for one year) is now sinking in. She wanted me to promise that I would get in touch with her before I left.

 

Again, I try to get off the phone. Again, she begs me to stay on for just a couple of minutes. She laughs and says how her behavior is like when we first met 6 years ago and how she chased me for over a year before I gave in.

 

Finally, I told her I have to go, I'm being rude to my friends. She said, you can call me any time (she said that a couple of times during the call), I said thanks. And then I said goodnight.

 

And then I walked back into the bar and proceeded to get completely sh!tfaced. Drinks were on Caveat....

 

I can tell that this whole ordeal is far from over. Sheesh, enough already.

 

Caveat

[idontgetit]

hi caveat,

 

sorry she still hasn't sorted herself out and is bringing you along for the ride. you're doing everything right and have my utmost respect for the way you've handled things. never hurts to get a bit hammered once in a while. better get used to drinking like that if you're relocating to tokyo keep us posted and i've got my fingers crossed that everything goes the way you want.

 

take care.

[caveat]

Thanks for the support, IDGI.

 

One way or another things will go the way I want. There are different paths to happiness and if the path I was going down with her dead ends, I will find another. And for her sake, I hope she will too.

 

Tokyo would be a cool spot to land for a year or so...we'll see if my firm is serious about considering it. Hawaii would be my preference though. I've dreamt of living there for years and years and have a lot of family on the islands. If my firm doesn't blink (I basically told them that they need to show me an attractive path here or we would need to start talking about transitioning my duties) I'm seriously considering taking a year off from law and moving out there anyways. Hell, I'll flip burgers if I have to. Its been a sprint since I started law school in '94; my brain could use the rest.

 

With that ticket for unlimited flights to/from Hawaii (if you're gonna keep your fingers crossed, cross them in support of my bid for that ticket!) I could split time skiing in the Sierras and kitesurfing in Hawaii. I think that lifestyle could help ease the pain a bit....

 

Caveat

[RayKay]

Hey caveat...want to hook up and share that lifestyle with me

 

Would ease my pain too!

[caveat]

RayKay,

 

At the risk of dating myself and using a worn out Top Gun quote...you can be my wingman anyday.

 

Grab yourself a ticket (and a kite)...lets roll!

 

Caveat

[Mun]

I love that attitude! 8) You guys are great...don't know why but you all put another smile on my face tonight...

 

There must be something in the air..hmm...

[RayKay]

RayKay,

 

At the risk of dating myself and using a worn out Top Gun quote...you can be my wingman anyday.

 

Caveat

 

*Fecal Matter from a Intact Male Bovine*. You can be mine.

 

 

The quote loses its effect with censorship

[caveat]

=D> Too funny...I was thinking that you might know that counter! Got me laughing...made my morning.

[RayKay]

=D> Too funny...I was thinking that you might know that counter! Got me laughing...made my morning.

 

I am a plethora of useless information, quotes and comebacks.

 

See, we're a match made in heaven..if you did not live a zillion miles away, we could of been magic baby

 

It's hard finding people who I am interested in AND who also mountain bike too..bonus!

[idontgetit]

hey. stranger things have happened

[caveat]

Whats a zillion miles? I've read about your biking adventures...a mere zillion should be a warm up. Hop on your bike and start riding...I'll meet you halfway.

 

We have all the ingredients for a box office smash romantic B-movie. Star-crossed lovers who share a common love of masochistic athletic endeavors and useless quotes and information, cycling madly accross continents (queue in musical score from 'Top Gun'--'Highway to the Danger Zone') to be with one another. It could have been so special.

[RayKay]

Whats a zillion miles? I've read about your biking adventures...a mere zillion should be a warm up. Hop on your bike and start riding...I'll meet you halfway.

 

We have all the ingredients for a box office smash romantic B-movie. Star-crossed lovers who share a common love of masochistic athletic endeavors and useless quotes and information, cycling madly accross continents (queue in musical score from 'Top Gun'--'Highway to the Danger Zone') to be with one another. It could have been so special.

 

To butcher another movie quote..."You had me at hello".

 

I'll be there by Monday

[caveat]

You got me feeling the kwan. Monday can't come soon enough...pedal fast Raykay.

[Foz]

my thread is under please help me in am completely brokenhearted.my situation is slightly different in that my ex said it was over but left a few get back clauses, such as if i feel i made a mistake i wont be too proud to crawl back, i need to think, i need to sort my head out, if its meant to be it will be etc. So basically i viewed it as a break for a whole month and did the NC thing until he rang crying saying he missed me and wanted to meet me, which i did and then he basically said it was still over but if he felt like he made a mistake he wouldnt be too proud to crawl back. its like he cant commit to even breaking up with me!!

anyway its been 5 weeks since we broke up and 1 week since we met and im stronger now, to the point that im thinking could i ever go back to someone who hurt me like he has. for sure i miss him but he nearly destroyed me and the way he has been so cold and calculated about it all makes me wonder now is that the kind of guy i want to be with. yeah its going to be hard, i have good days and bad days but if he really loved me he would not have left me, especially the way he did.

My point is i viewed the situation as a break based on false hopes he was giving me, after a month he was still saying the same thing and i was back at square one, albeit prepared for it this time. Dont look at things as a break, work from the standpoint that it is over and you will save yourself alot of false hope.[/b][/u]

[Eithne]

I am the one in my relationship who initiated the break, but I still feel completely heartbroken over it. My boyfriend and I have been officially together for over 3 years, but I have had serious feelings for him since i was 16 (I'm now 22).

 

The three years we've been together have been great. He is my best friend and has always been there for me, and vice versa. We have been talking about marriage seriously (getting engaged in a year or so and then married in several years). But I just started to feel really troubled recently. He is my first and only relationship, and basically I've been in a serious relationship with him my whole adult life. I'm scared to get married without seeing what else the world has to offer. I feel like I'm missing out sometimes. My friends and family have warned me that I might regret marrying the first person I was in a relationship with, and I never really listened but I guess they planted the seed of doubt. I don't know if I'm making a mistake. I don't want to get married and then have these doubts because the situation would be a lot worse.

 

This is why I asked for a break, but I don't know if I did the right thing. He was obviously completely shattered and doesn't understand at all. He says that I'm just lucky that I fell in love with the first person I seriously dated. I'm just so confused! I feel sick with worry and stress about this.

 

As soon as we got off the phone (oh yeah, we're also in a LDR- he's in england, i'm in ny). I wanted to call him right back and take it all back. I don't know if I made the right decision.

[Michael2]

Eithne,

 

I'm going to put this to you straight.

 

You are going to DESTROY this poor kid with your wishy washy attitude. Either 1) LEave him alone and let him heal 2) Be with him. Do not stay in the grey middle in order to fulfill your self doubts, its not fair.

 

One minute you want him, the next minute you want to experience the grass is greener, then next minute you want him, then you start thinking about what your FRIENDS and FAMILY are thinking. WOw, you are really confused. Unfortunately, your family may be somewhat right, but who are they to break you two up, that is something I would wonder, especially considering this guy is your best friend and lover. A word to the wise, these types of relationships and guys do not grow on trees.

 

This is what is going to happen. You HAVE to sow your oats. BUt in the process you will lose him. It is a double edged sword. You want to marry him, well you have to be with others first, if not you may end up resenting him. But by doing this, you will ultimately lose him for good. THis is the thing, if you truly loved him , you wouldnt have done what you did, trust me. Once you find true love, you dont want to see what else is out there.

 

Good luck.