"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

[Tommy1]

Well we went to the game today and it was really akward because i did not know what to say or do. At the end of the night though it turned out that she feels the same way to and we will be easing ourselves back into the relationship to see where it goes. My advice for the wedding though would be to really think about it because all i did was go to a baseball game which is not as significant as a wedding is. Like I had said previously it was very akward until the end of the night. Good Luck on that and I hope it works out for you.

[caveat]

Hi Tommy,

 

Glad to hear that your night ended on semi-positive note. However, don't make the mistake of taking every positive event or communication as a green light to pick up the pace. If anything, I would advocate focusing on yourself, making the most out of your quasi-freedom and independence, and focusing less on where her head is at. Trust me on this one.

 

If you go out and better yourself and show that you are enjoying life (and its the truth vs. an act) and embarking down a path which she will realize might take her away from you I think her true colors will begin to show themselves sooner rather than later.

 

She gave up her leverage on you when she decided she didn't know what she wants. Don't give it back to her unless she earns it.

 

Caveat

[From_Mars]

Hey,

 

Awesome and highly informative thread. From reading all this, I find that it's practically impossible to declare, "I need a break automatically means it's over." At least, that's what I like to tell myself.

 

Everyone's situation is unique and as caveat mentioned early on, there are many shades of grey. Take for instance, my circumstance: I meet a girl 2 months out of a 4 year, broken relationship. Sparks fly whenever we are together. Initially, despite some initial hesitation on her part (due to the short amount of time she has been single), we decide to give it a go. Everything is fantastic. And after 1 month, we both feel like it's been a year. We became so entrenched in each other's lives and really started falling hard for one another. Yet, 2 days ago (6 weeks in) we start talking and suddenly I'm hearing the, "I feel trapped and I need to take a step back." Basically she started to realize how serious the relationhips was getting and began to feel as though she hadn't even had the time to go through the breakup motions of the previous relationship. I get the whole, "I really like you, but it isn't fair to you if I am having these feelings. I need to be on my own and re-establish myself because I want us to work ultimately. I can't guarantee that we'll get back together in the future, or even any time soon... so I want you to act as though this is done and I'll deal with the consequences."

 

I'm skeptical, but I sense a sincerity behind her comments. It leaves me in a difficult place because I definitely want to move on from it, initiate NC and all the rest. But I also feel she geniunely needs her time and hopes to possibly pick this up again. With that in mind, is removing myself from the picture completely the best strategy to employ? Hmmm...GREY!

[dreamguy]

A very interesting thread indeed !

Caveat my friend, you are a very wise man and I truly hope things are working out with your gf. I wish you the best of happiness and you can be sure I will keep the advice you gave in your posts in mind !

[Iarra]

From_Mars,

 

Amazing. Our ex's had almost the same speech. And like you, I'm skeptical, but can sense the sincerity. Most folks here would say, go NC all the way. Our ex's need to find themselves, and they pretty much said that they don't need our help. If in the process of finding themselves, they find their way back to us, then good. If not, then too bad. It happens. All we can do now is move on.

 

Caveat,

 

Your story truly has inspired me. I'm glad that your ex found your way back to you. Part of me is hoping that it'll happen to me, too. But I know that I have to face the reality that it might not.

[Sir Tristan CA]

Yeah... The no cheating rule is pretty nice... I just went on a break too, so, I'm kind of in a state of disarray right now. She called me over to her house to do it, which didn't help things. Anyways, advice.

 

Don't quit. It's not worth quitting now and finding out later that they really did come back to you completely healed from the break. I haven't reached the end of my break yet, so when I do I'll put a thread on about what happens, but it never hurts to hope... Well, it doesn't hurt as much as giving up and finding out later that you should have hoped. Man, I am way too old to be 17.....

[eillvibe]

Hey everyone, OK my girl and I have known each other for 4 years. We meet through a mutual friend that we both adore completely... I first saw her and just knew she was my future... So four years ago We started dating/ having sex. ( she just got out of a 4 year relationship) She was 18 and the man was 31 a real bad experience for her... ANyways while we were dating I was just coming out of a life that included drugs and still had a little addiction.. ( basically when she found out it scared her away from me because I was immature.) Well after that we stayed friend since and have had great conversations and basically just stayed in contact.... During the mean time I really got my * * * * together through the four years of not dating.... We got back together in January and started a new US.. We have had a great time until we moved in together in April and started to have constant arguments.. One argument topic was about her thinking I was gay because ( my boss/mentor is gay) (The man is really my angel from above and is not your typical gay man, I respect him and he respect me and we have no atraction what so ever ... Its a true friendship) So with that as an argument and having moved in together so soon made me really insacure... I started using meth for two months behind her back ( just making my head even more confused and making the relatiuonship worse) So because of my hidden addiction and the problems we were having we both decided to move out and get our own places again... SHe was thinking that it would be best 9 She had no clue really why our relatiuonship went bad... So it has been a month now and things were starting to get a little better... I love her so much and cant live a lie about what I had been doing.. I started realizing how meth really * * * *ed my head up and the love of my life up... SO I got sober a couple days before she moved out... I finally told her the truth a week ago about what I have been doing behind her back..... I love her so much I could not lie to her... So of coure we keep arguing about the samething.... I know I hurt her ( I also pay for her rent, car food, gas, school.. just because she is full time student and I really want her to focus on school) Today we tryed to hang out, but she brought up the drug thing when we both decided to just start over and forget about the past and move on. Now today when she brought that up I broke up with her becaus eI was so mad... So basically we are on a brake and I am so worried that she will not get over this... Do I let her call me now? I dont want to loose her what do i DO people? Sorry about grammor I know it is horrable, but I am thinking to fast...

[need2bme]

eillvibe: I was addicted to something a while back and if you are addicted or was, you can be again. "Once an addict, ......" Right?

 

Hey, I don't know if you read these boards anymore, but you do need to talk to someone about this and as I read a response to your post in the other thread, if your ex is coming around, she must still care.

 

Do what is right for you and what would be right is to talk to someone and get clean. I have not done what I had an issue with for about 11 years and my new SO still was worried that I once had an addiction, so it is best to do it for yourself.

 

Get back in here and let us know how you are.

[caveat]

Title says it all. Thought I'd give an update for anyone who is out there who remembers me. Things have been going incredibly well for quite some time and the relationship is healthier than ever before. Lots of hard work and bumps in the road from time to time, but both of us are 100% committed...and loving it.

 

Caveat

[XCRunner1]

This is the topic that brought me to enotalone. An awesome story and read with a ton of great advice.

 

Cheers.

[dreamguy]

This is one of the first topics I read when I join ENA.

Can't believe you guys are still going strong even after 4+ years since the break up!

I wish you the best! Keep us posted.

[replicator]

Thanks Caveat for being so forthcoming in this thread. Your journey is inspiring, and I'm glad it worked out for you. Great nuggets of advice and insight.

[postscript]

actually yeah, i have a question,

do breaks have to have planned "time frames"?

some people think its okay to ask "when will you come back to me?"

but if the person is unsure they want to be with you, then how will they know how long it will take til it is figured out?!

 

caveat- your story is amazing.

[lawyer630]

First of all I would like to say that Caveat's story is quite amazing...It gives me hope. I am turning to this thread for some advice...here's my story:

My bf and I were together for 2 1/2 years, and we just broke up 2 weeks ago today. He told me that he needed a break, and then I told him I could not do a break, so he said then let's break up. A main reason for our break up is due to my insecurities. When we met, I was this secure, outgoing, confident woman...2 1/2 years later, I am now this insecure and not confident woman, and that is why he told me that he cannot be with me anymore. Let me give you some background: after 6 months of dating, he came to me and told me that he does not love me and never will love me. Then he walked out of my apartment. Fast forward 4 months later, he emailed me tellilng me that he missed me, and I went back to him. We had a long talk and worked through this...at least I thought we did. From that point on, I was always afraid that he would come back and tell me the same words again, and I was not willing to completely let myself fall for him. I told him this and he said that we willl work through this together. I thought that he was really ready for a serious relationship, but things just did not start adding up. I found out that he had lied to me a few times about where he was, and he never introduced me to his family or friends. I know what you are all thinking...and no, he is not married/nor did he have another girlfriend. He is 8 years younger than me, and I just chalked it up to him being immature. I was 30 when we met and he was 23. Our schedules only allowed us to see each other 1 day/week in the beginning, but we were on the phone constantly, and I thought that I had a great relationship. He was finishing up grad school when we met, so I understood where he was coming from, since he is in the same profession that I am in. Fast forward another year or so, and he came to me again and broke it off with me...due to my insecurities. I knew that he was not truthful with me all of the time, for example he would tell me that he was at work when he was in the library, etc. Then he came back again the beginning of July, and here I am, 2 months later, and heartbroken. What prompted this break up is the fact that I finally confronted him on things that I had found out, and he just freaked and called me a liar. I was nothing but great to him. We are so much alike, and I really do love him with all of my heart. I tried the NC for almost 2 weeks, but then I broke down and called him because there are some personal issues I am dealing with and I needed to turn to him. He claims that he misses me and loves me and we can be the best of friends, but he says that our relationship was dysfunctional (me not trusting him 100%...basically knowing that he was not always honest with me, but I know that his lies were so insignificant). He even says that he would give his life for me, and I truly believe it. I am not making excuses for him, and I know that he is probably just "not there yet". He even spoke about marriage, and that I was the love of his life, and that I was the one who broke us up. Well, now he is concerned about my health and wants to know each and every step of my "health" issues. I do not know what to do. Should I continue to have him in my life, should I keep him aware of what is going on with me? We spoke last night and he was adamant about us never ever getting back together. HE told me that people do not change and that I will n ever be the same woman he fell in love with. I told him that if he keeps believing that, it will never work. Then I said what a shame, you will never know what would happen, and if you are willing to live with a what-if, then I will never bring this up again....So here I am, heartbroken and feeling so much pain. Does this sound like the end? SHould I have him in my life as a friend, or should I cut it off and never pick up his calls again?

[digitaldiva]

Title says it all. Thought I'd give an update for anyone who is out there who remembers me. Things have been going incredibly well for quite some time and the relationship is healthier than ever before. Lots of hard work and bumps in the road from time to time, but both of us are 100% committed...and loving it.

 

Caveat

 

 

good Job!!

[crab62]

I will n ever be the same woman he fell in love with

 

awww... that is so sad.. and so mean of him to say. Even if he felt it, it's cruel to say that to someone.

 

Honestly, I think you need to move on. When someone says that to you... it's not so much if it's true or not, but it's cruel... and if he cared for you deep down...my gosh he wouldn't rip your gut out with words like that.

 

I had an on/off again relationship with my exbf... and he too caused alot of insecurities in me... by breaking up suddenly. How can you feel secure with someone who is insecure in the relationship and keeps breaking up? I love how they perform insecure actions, but when we respond insecurely to those actions, they accuse "us" of being insecure... instead of them taking responsibility for their insecure actions.

 

I think you should not focus so much on what he wants... but what you deserve... and that would be a guy who loves you 100%. They are out there.... somewhere...

 

hang in there... I know how you feel.

[kadvati79]

Caveat if you ever post any more updates, which I am sure you will. As others have posted - this too is the first post that bought me to ENA. Can't wait to hear how the story progresses...

[Zeitgeist]

Holy crap! This is the mother of all epic stories here on ENA. Much thanks Caveat for having the persistence to come back here after all this time and keeping us up to date. And congratulations on where you're at now. You've certainly earned it.

[C6Z06]

What is the NC rule? What does "NC" mean?

[caveat]

The title says it all...we got engaged last weekend! Damn near 5 years since things went upside down, but the journey back has been (and continues to be) the adventure of a lifetime.

 

For those of you out there going through what I went through 5 years ago, have hope and faith...but you need only the latter and not the former. If you want to hope, hope that things will get better, do not hope that you will get her back. Better to have faith, faith that things will get better for you as an individual, which they will if you focus your strength on the positives that life has to offer and not allow the negatives to keep you from moving forward.

 

I am absolutely thrilled to be engaged and consider myself to be a very lucky man, but this experience has also taught me that had she not come back I would have been just fine. In those 5 years I traveled much of the world, changed the path of my career, rebalanced my life, experienced more adventures than I can count, bought a new home, and most importantly, found my happiness. Some might say that the break up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Or more appropriately, the best thing that happened to us.

 

-Caveat

[melrich]

Wow...amazing story. Congratulations.

[septembermourning]

does a a few days without talking really constitute a "break" ?

 

I know that a "break" does not always mean the person who initiates it really wants to break up because I just initiated one.

 

I know I don't want to break up w/my boyfriend but I just told him that we need to take a few days apart to clear our heads because we have been fighting so much. Honestly I felt he wasnt' being very receptive and I thought maybe a break would help him to refocus and maybe miss me a little and not take me for granted so much. Of course, I am scared that it will also backfire. Perhaps he will realize he is happier without me over the next few days but if that is what happens then we should not be together anyway and if he does in fact end it, it won't be because I suggested a break, it'll be because he was not happy.

 

I brought up a few days apart and he suggested a three day minimum but then implied that he wanted to speak in three days and said he would be in a meeting exactly 72 hours from then. He is always the planner and I told him that not everything can be planned. But I don't want to make him crazy wondering when the next time I will contact him will be. Should I text him and tell him that I will call him tomorrow night?

 

I don't want to play games or be cruel

[Chanter]

I suggested a "break" to which my husband agreed. I gave him the rundown of how I would have liked it to work, and when it would start and stop. We were getting along great for a few days after that. It was a real relief to be able to tell him what I needed without him getting mean.

Then two days later, we have an argument, and he takes my son away while I’m sleeping. Basically, he gets really hostile toward me, I tell him there is no forgiving what he did and that it is over. At first he says, yes, it's over and he asks me to move out. (being a control freak he can't stand the thought of giving up his "things") Later that same day he apologizes like crazy, swears he'll start consoling, and begs me to give him another chance. How many second chances does one person get??

[ellie999]

my input on the break vs break up thing is from personal experience.

 

my girlfriend of 3+ years wanted a 'break', to grow on her own and be independent and blah blah blah. not because she didnt love me so she said. we had always had an amazing relationship but as a freshman in college in a long distance relationship, she said she needed this, and loving her as much as i did, i gave it to her. she promised i wouldnt lose her, and that it wasnt over, and that she loved me very much.

 

it was tough as * * * * , didnt know how to handle it. we were on good terms when the break started, like i love you and a kiss goodbye. but once it started i didnt know what to do. neither did she. how much could we talk, what could we say, what could we do. well she quickly liked not being tied down, i missed her like crazy and had a tough time. after a month of this she ended it completely. saying this was permanent and she didnt see us getting back together. it devastated me. i then found out she met another guy. and that was six weeks ago.

 

worst way to end a relationship that i could honestly ever think of. still hurts. but i realize i lost myself in her, and ive really found myself as a person and have a new amazing perspective on life. i know im an amazing guy and deserve so much better than that. ya i miss her, and i really did love her, but after six weeks n/c im starting to feel pretty good.

 

a break is a bull * * * * term that doesnt work, the person who suggests it is just being selfish and stringing it out.

[jasper01]

Great question. Maybe check with him how he feels about it. Here's a thought I have - how happy he may or may not be with this situation is not unrelated to how you handle it.