"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

[kadvati79]

Wonder how caveat is getting on these days? His posts were among the first I read.

[Snow Patrol]

Well there is no doubt in my mind that I would prefer a break due to my partner having personal decisions to make and needs some time (ie with a chance of getting back together) vs a permanent break up since she is once in a lifetime.

 

So for me it would depend how strongly you feel about the person as to whether you would prefer a clean break or a break up where the relationship will be evaluated some months down the line after the dumper has tackled their issues and made decisions.

[kadvati79]

Alot of it depends on what "taking a break" means. If it means that you can be free to date other people, sleep with other people, then really - if you have the capacity in your life to do that surely you have the capacity to spend time with someone you love.

 

Taking a break to have some time out to yourself is one thing, but taking a break to have time out to spend time with other people it quite another thing all together. In any situation where sexual/dating freedom is allowed I would take the "break" as being a "breakup".

[Donster]

Ellie, you are right on. Sounds like you have your head set on straight. And I agree with Icemoto too. My ex proposed the same thing--he wanted a "break." But he wasn't sure what kind of break he wanted, wehther it was time to be on his own to think, or whether it was so that he could shack up with his BF#2 and whomever else he wanted to do. I had tried to make it clear to him that if he wanted to take time off from the relationship, it should be think, not to screw around with others. Then I found out from a mutual friend that he really did intend to date other people during this "break"--which to me was really a breakup.

 

When it came time to figure out how the "break" would shape up, I decided that I would be the one to move out instead of him. And before I had a chance to move out, when I got tired of the limbo state between "taking a break" and "breaking up" I decided that what we were indeed going through was a breakup, not just a break from each other.

 

In retrospect, what he wanted was to be able to date others, but with me around as an insurance policy in case things didnt work out for him! That's not my role in life, never has been, and never will be. Life just doesn't work like that.

 

If you think about it, even if it's just to be able to think about what you and your ex each want to do with your individual lives in the future, how can you do it properly in the context of "taking a break" when that comes intrinsically with some sort of strings attached? (or when you know you have an insurance policy to fall back on?) The only way is to be totally free from all ties, so that you can gain the perspective that you need in order to be able to see and visualize your life alone, and to reflect on the relationship you once shared with your ex.

[Tshwane]

my ex said she needed a break & space to think, well next we talked i was told we can't be together no more. From now on a break or space will mean the end of the relationship.

[caveat]

Wow. I was surprised to see this thread alive and well after not having logged in quite some time.

 

I don't have a lot of time to provide an update right now (I'm sitting in a hotel room in Beijing at the moment, in the middle of a 3 country biz trip...jetlagged, sick and in dire need of some sleep), but as to the earlier question of 'how is Caveat'? The answer is excellent.

 

All I can say about the last 2 1/2 years is WOW. What an experience. The ride hasn't stopped.

 

As for the ex, I think most of my friends (and family) would call her 'girlfriend' rather than 'ex'. She is doing all she can to be a part of my life (romantically) and while I'm still very hesitant about stepping back into a full blown committed relationship with her...we are pretty much there. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Man, I look back and think about how I felt 2 1/2 years ago and where I am now and cannot believe the difference. Best thing that ever happened to me was going through that break up (note I said break up not break for you newbies....).

 

To those of you new to this emotional dynamic hang in there and use the emotions to fuel new pursuits in your life. I guarantee that you will not regret it.

 

Caveat

[Donster]

Ellie, I'm glad you got a lift from my response. Take care of yourself, because no one else can do it better than you can! Love yourself first and foremost. And this means standing up for yourself, what you believe in, and voicing your needs and wants. Don't settle for anything less--you deserve better than that. Life is too short as it is!

 

Hang in there!

[gamegirl]

hi im thinking about moving out of my boyfriends and braking up with him ... we broke up about a month ago an wen i moved out it was so hard not to constantly cry or think about him ... i was just wondering if there is any thing i can do this time round to make my self feel better ... i hate feeling sad and lonley

[jaimblee]

I feel kind of strange about telling my story like this, but maybe it will help.

 

My boyfriend and I met almost 2 and 1/2 years ago; I was 15 and he was 17. Within the first few months of us dating, he moved to another city that was about 5 hours away by public transport and required a ferry trip. I thought he wanted to break up, but instead we did the long distance thing. He worked and visited me when he could. I was unable to visit him because of his roommate who had feelings for me.in the past..and well he was not accepting of me staying there.

 

My boyfriend then decided that he wanted to go back to school. We spent the summer together - which was wonderful because we usually only got to visit for a few days at a time. In the fall he moved into his dad's place, because it was the only way he could afford to go to school. His dad lived about the same distance away from me - a ferry ride and several buses. While he went to school we were able to see each other more often because he could visit me and I could visit him. His course was 6 months long and afterwards he moved in with me (I still live at home with my mother).

 

Things started out rocky because I accidently discovered an online conversation he had with someone in which he said that a classmate had made a move on him (he was the only guy in a class of 24 women) and he had rejected the woman. I was very upset that he didn't tell me, as he rejected her, he should have nothing to hide. The woman, by the way, knew that he had a girlfriend. Well, I did my best to get over the incident, although I couldn't have the same level of trust with him.

 

When he moved in he talked about having alone time. I was hurt by that and didn't understand why he would need it. I was sort of jealous back when I would only see him for a short period of time when he would go on the computer and that sort of thing, because we had such a limited time together. I never lost that sense of jealously. He had a job here but didn't get a lot of hours, and I was always home because I do homeschooling. I didn't like it when he talked on the computer, or on the phone when I was around or played video games all day. After about 5 months of living together, things became a little more rocky. I got fed up with his way of dealing with anger, which was swearing loudly. I saw it as childish, but he said it was what worked for him. We couldn't find any solution and we weren't giving each other enough space and out of frustration I said I thought we should break up. I immediately regretted what I had said and told him it was a mistake. He wasn't so sure.

 

He took a few days to think about it - he originally was going to go away for a couple of nights, but he didn't have anybody to stay with so I just slept on the floor. It was an awkward while. We still spent a lot of time together and I was frustrated with waiting for his answer, but sometimes it was okay and we had fun. He said he only needed a day or two to decide, but took about four or five. Finally he gave me his decision about thirty minutes before I had to go to a family gathering and less than twelve hours before I had to fly out to another family gathering for three days. He said he didn't think he was in love anymore and didn't want to be in a relationship. I begged him not to give up on us, but to no avail. I never expected us to ever break up because from the start he said he wanted to marry me and grow old together and that he would never leave me. It was confusing that he could say he didn't want to be in a relationship.

 

So, he left and I went on my trip. It was difficult to appear normal - and I didn't want to tell anyone because I wasn't sure it was over and I hadn't seen these family members in eight years. I returned home on my birthday to find almost all of his stuff was gone. He had left me a birthday card, though. I gathered some more of his stuff to take. He picked me up from a friend's house and came over to pack. He told me he was going to be visiting his dad soon and when he came back we could deal with our banking stuff (we had/have a joint bank account). I started to feel really sick, I couldn't eat much or sleep through the night. I hated sleeping alone. I woke up one morning thinking about how hard it would be to never see the person I knew and loved so well ever again, as I knew we couldn't be friends. I emailed him and asked if it would be possible to take a break or if he was sure it was over. He responded saying he didn't know and he needed time to think about it. I answered back with why I thought a break could be beneficial and told him I realized we both needed more independence.

 

I haven't heard from him since (that was three days ago) and I decided not to contact him because it is probably best to give him some space right now. I think he is visiting friends in the city he used to work in. I'm trying to wait patiently and not get my hopes up but I can clearly see many of the mistakes we made and how to fix them. I don't want him to give up on us. Right now, I am trying to accept the fact that I don't have any control in the situation.

 

I don't know what I want from this, but feel free to comment or advise or anything really. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through!

[purple_monster]

caveat -- it's good to see that things are going well for you. I look forward to your next update! Your words are always very poignant and force me to think quite a bit.

[ibenhad]

Damn that is one powerful post. I am in much the same boat. I am going on only 1 month of no contact but an entire summer of waffeling. You give me hope. What more can one ask for. Everyone around says move on get over it but I cannot throw 5 years away. I love her and much like you I am willing to wait. Does my life go on, hell yes. Do I see myself with someone else, HELL NO! The pain of not knowing is really the killer. It just leaves your heart tearing your head apart. The day in and day out of wondering is really tough. I always wonder how she is and if she is thinking of me. She has too many problems and is running from them all. I am the only thing that would be stable in her life and I think she is afraid to put all her eggs in that 1 basket again. So sad as she is truly the one for me. I hope I can have the strength you have shown and the insight to carry on and endure this journey. I miss her more each day.

[chai714]

Caveat,

 

Wow, it's been a while. Thanks for the update.

[saralee]

hi everyone,

 

My name is Sara. I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years, since we were in high school and basically through all of college. i am going to graduate next spring. my boyfriend, let's call him Ben, is studying and working abroad in Australia for several months this fall. A couple nights ago we just talked and he said he wanted to break up. After we talked we decided to go on a break. I know, I know, how people feel about that on this board. (Don't think I'm stupid..please?) I guess a break up just sounds so final. We decided that we will take it slow and be friends for the next two months until he gets back to the States. And then we will get back together if either one of us haven't met anyone else we liked better.

 

I am really sad over this, because I love him, and it is weird to think of us being with anyone else. But he said he is not ready to commit to something so hard (since we are thousands of miles away and we are both busy with school and work). It feels strange. For a long time it's always been Sara and Ben, Ben and Sara. He makes me laugh. And I think we probably will get back together, because I probably won't meet anyone I'd leave Ben for, and his dating will be in Austrialia!

 

This is a bad time for me... I am looking for a job after graduation, and although I have an incredible job offer open in another city, I want to stay in the same city as he is so our relationship will have a chance. I am not totally stupid, if I can't find anything comparable in our city I will leave and go the 500 miles away to my new job. I will be gone for two years, but after that I will have a wide range of choices geographically and professionally.

 

In some ways I always hoped we would end up together, because we had it so good. We were good together, We love each other. I think we still do. He just said he is not ready to commit. I am afraid because I feel myself losing ambition, a couple years ago I wanted to travel and work internationally and am the Type-A career woman wannabe, but now I want a house and a partner and someone to love me and fall asleep with me every night.

 

I guess this is a long and incoherent post, but I needed to vent somewhere. I hope we can go off and do our own thing and keep in touch, but in several years get back together when we are more mature, and hopefully more appreciative of what we have. I love him, and that's the hardest part. I never wanted to say "we love each other, but it just didn't work... or that love isn't enough."

 

I guess I like the anonymous nature of the posting boards, I don't really talk to friends about things like this, because I feel like I failed. I feel like I am failing professionally and personally. I don't like to fail.

[TornTattered]

Wow... im speechless really. I just spent forever reading this thread, and I must say it was more than moving. I want to thank Caveat for his story and insight, as it has really really helped me clear my head.

 

My ex suprisingly just went with the break-up rather than need some time. But one thing has irked me since that day. At the end of the break-up talk i made a joke ( i know.. i was trying to spare my feelings and go out classy) saying that well.. i guess we wont be going to the Keys this winter .. hahaha. ( a vacation that we were planning on going with her and her family during the winter break). And she replied " ..... well thats a long time from now." I still kind of wonder what that means. But it really doesnt matter that much does it.

 

I didnt inquire and ended it there. Though have broken NC twice since then, i really havent talked about the relationship, or how she is doing in that reguard. I figured out what went wrong, and didnt need her to tell me. And now that i have fixed everything that i know was wrong with me, i am going to stay with NC and learn to be happy without her.

 

I just want to say that i cant wait to hear more from you Caveat. You are trully an inspiration. Take care.

[erinn]

any update on caveat? It's been awhile

[Donster]

AC980, welcome to ENA!

 

boy, what a long post! But yes, we've all been there in one way or another. You will get this recommendation from others, I'm sure, but what you need to do is to start NC with your ex. Yes, you need to think of her as your ex now. And you cannot keep seeing her, or being there for her whenever she needs you, or texts you, no matter how much it hurts you to do so. And yes, I'm sure you still love her too, but this girl is confused, and she doesn't know what she wants. Sounds like she would like to have her cake and eat it to (to quote what someone said in another thread). But you are freshly broken up, it is too early to become friends with her. And you are no longer her bf. So now is time for the two of you to really take a break from each other. And time for you to refocus your time and attention on yourself.

 

My own ex wanted a break, but really it was to see other people. But he didnt want to call it a breakup because he wanted me to be there as backup just in case things didnt work out with other people. So he had me in a state of limbo for a long time. And finally I stood up for myself and decided that I was not going to be his insurance policy. Sounds like this is what your ex want as well. She has to understand that a breakup is a breakup. It is an end.

 

Imagine that your relationship was like a patchwork quilt that the two of you sewed together--each of you brought pieces into the relationship. But now the quilt is torn, although there are a few pieces still stuck together. Over the long run, if you want to repair the quilt, you will have to ultimately cut the whole thing in half before you can sew it back together again. You have to cut every last thread, you can't just keep stretching and pulling the quilt, or try to sew it back together when you have torn pieces still hanging on.

[caveat]

Wow, has it really been 3+ years since my original post?! How time does fly (regardless of whether you are having fun or not).

 

Its been some time since I last provided an update and at this point I doubt there are many on this board who even remember me or my story, but what the hell, for those of you who are interested, here's a quick update...

 

Life is very good at the moment. The last few years rank high in terms of the best years of my life, both in terms of experiences as well as accomplishments. I look back at the place where I was back in 2004 (in all respects) and have a hard time believing how beat down I allowed myself to get. Never again.

 

Professionally things are going very well. I continue to travel around the world on a regular basis and though the work can be demanding, the hours are manageable, the work is very interesting and the compensation is excellent. The work I put in from '94 to '05 (and the time and money spent on the education prior to that) is finally paying off.

 

I'm still managing to keep a pretty good balance of work, play, responsibility, etc. Its race season now and though the travel has put a bit of a crimp in my training habits, I've still managed to stay in good enough shape to be competitive. Looking forward to some great races this year plus a bit of mountaineering.

 

Seems like I am constantly on the move these days, either for work or for play...lots of new experiences, lots of new friends. I'm putting down a small fortune on a new home next month, though, which may slow me down just a bit though...

 

As for the love life? Well, suffice it to say that she is back with a vengeance and has made it damn clear that she is not going anywhere. She's staked out her territory and done a pretty good job scaring off most of the competition (including one night where I thought for sure there was going to be a pretty spectacular cat fight...). All joking aside, while we were dancing around the edges of a relationship in 2006 (mostly due to me being reluctant to go there), things have been progressing quickly in 2007. We have talked A LOT about what happened in the past and frankly, we talked it to death. However, we both respected the fact that while we were not together...we were not together and whatever happened during that time was each person's own business.

 

In short, we are 100% back together and having a great time...its actually been a lot better (and healthier) than the first time around. Things are getting serious which I have to confess does make me a bit nervous but we are moving at a pace which is comfortable. We just returned from a 10 day trip together which was spectacular to say the least. Who knows where things will go from here...

 

Some out there will cite this as a happy ending, but I would correct them by saying its a happy beginning. And for those of you who are currently in a place similar to where I was a few years ago, don't use my story as justification for holding on to hope...use it instead as a reason to let go, because my happiness today (as well as my ability to look past what happened when we were not together) resulted from me getting off of my butt and making the most out of the opportunities that life affords.

 

Caveat

[Mistygirl]

Caveat,

You said it..all relationships are different and it's hard to take the advice and use as an exact template. Only you know how the relationship really was. I can truly understand that.

[rokston]

thanks for your posts caveat! your attitude to handling this situation is an inspiration to me. certainly staying strong, backing off completely and giving space should be grasped by all dumpees as an opportunity to take control of their own directions. even though being heart broken is never easy, it may just wake us up into appreciating and living life more than before.

 

good luck with your new beginning, i hope it's the start to lots of happiness together!

[JadedStar]

Well, I'm partially responsible for the open endedness: the surprise, hurt, etc. triggered a defense mechanism which basically left it at "if you reach a point where you want me and only me as the man in your life and its for the right reasons, call me. Otherwise, don't." I know it sounds harsh, but if you knew of everything I've done for this woman you would probably think I went easy on her.

 

 

 

Hey I do not blame you for that approach. That is exactly what a person who loves and respects themselves would say, and don't settle for less than that. Good for you.

[googoo]

We were fighting a lot and she's been very stressed with work and family. I think its the stress from her life that made her more irritable when she's with me. she said the relationship is just adding more stress when she needs support. then she said "let's not contact each other for the time being". is this a break?

 

how long should i wait? i was think 1 or 2 weeks before asking how is everything.

[olena]

Caveat,

 

My partner of 6 1/2 years has done the same thing that your girlfriend did to you...Like you said he pressed the eject button about 5 1/2 months ago, because he needed to be alone for now...In 6 1/2 years, I supported him to move from being a failed pennyless student to a successful professional who just bought a really nice flat....I was there for everything and more...I loved him and his family, make his problems mine and supported him in every sense...

 

Until about 1 1/2 ago he came back from holidays from Greece, having spent time with his friends, and told me, I think I need to be alone for now...and that he would not like to lose me, as he loves me and would like to marry me in the future...but for now he needs to be alone to make decisions in his life, and to see whether he wants to stay in the UK or go back home...That he's been in relationships since he was 18 (he is now 30) and that he wants to spent time on his own for a change to 'find him self'...

 

He did not give me a timeframe because I suppose it's hard to give a time frame as to how long it will take you to 'find your self..'...For 1 I stayed with him fighting and arguing everyday, until I packed up and left 5 1/2 months ago...It's damaged me...really broke me down...

 

I don't know why people do that...I don't know why they can ask for everything and give nothing in return...I would agree, being told that it's a break is more difficult than knowing...and although people say that a break should be treated as a break up when you are in the situation, it's hard not to see the difference, as the hope is still there...

 

I have only started NC in the last week...and I am wondering how I would feel if he came back at this stage...To love someone may simply not be enough after they have made you feel rejected or second best...So I told him very recently that there is nothing left to say between us...that it's over because there has been too much damage...and all I got back was there will be something for us to talk about in the future - don't know what- but I know that there will be something...

 

I don't have the answers...and I would love to know them to have closure...

 

Hang in there - there are other people around in the same boat as you are in...

 

Olena

[Tommy1]

Hi Guys,

Need some advice my Gf of 31/2 years sprung the old we need a break bit upon me about a month ago and said that she does not want for me to see other people. The reason i was given was because she need to time to figure herself out. The problem is she told me that there is no one else and she does not want to see other people. Here is the thing though we had bought tickets to go to a couple activities and she says that she still wants to go. I do not know what to think and one of the events is coming up this week. Please if anyone can shed some light or give some advice i would appreciate it.

[Home Brew]

Tommy your story sounds exactly like mine. There are two schools of thought, most people would mention that No Contact is the best approach and for some situations I think it is, but assuming that we are both not being lied to about our women not wanting to see other people, I think of it a lot like starting the dating process all over again. I mean completely, all over again. As in you don't know how you feel about anything, and its exciting, etc. This may not be the most healthy way to deal with our situations, but since I actually believe that this is about her finding herself (and I also have zero expectations about us working out), I'd say if you want to go, then go. If not, then you have every right to not go.

 

But just be careful, when the "break" bomb is dropped, it is like hitting the reset button on the entire relationship. Or at least that is how I feel about mine. We have been doing the break thing for about a month and a half, and doing limited contact, although sometimes I wish I'd have gone NC, but it depends when you ask me.

 

Now we are seeing each other about once a week, small little dates, and try to resist the urge to talk about serious issues until she is ready.

 

Either way good luck, let me know how it goes, as I have a wedding I am supposed to go to next month with my breakfriend.

 

Good luck, and enjoy the summer.

[Tommy1]

I guess you are right it is like starting all over. In my situation there really has not been much contact at all and neither of us have said NC, but it has turned out that way because i want her to be able to get through this and we can get back to us. I will get you an update on this when we go out, I am sure that we will be going because as much as it hurts going through this it would be good to see her.