"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

[Eithne]

Thanks for being honest, it sucked to read, but I appreciate the advice.

 

I know its not fair being wishy washy, and I am trying not to be. He seemed somewhat understanding of my feelings when I talked about this to him. He didn't want to break up so that's why I suggested a break.

 

I know I am really confused, I feel like I'm going crazy. I wish I hadn't been going after him when I was a teenager so I could have sown my oats before we got together- argh.

 

I don't really understand your last paragraph. I have to sow my oats or I might resent him later on, but when I do I will lose him forever. It seems I am screwed either way.

[Michael2]

That is why its called a double edged sword.

 

In order to soothe your mind you have to see whats out there, but by doing this you may lose him.

[caveat]

The twenties...such a great time to be alive and in love, yet so confusing too. Who am I? What do I want? What does the world have to offer? Those are just a few of the thoughts I remember rolling around in my head when I was your age, Eithne. I wrestled with those questions back then just as you are now.

 

But guess what? I turned 33 not so long ago and those questions are as unanswered now as they were then. With age has come understanding though, and more importantly, a better sense of evaluating and appreciating the things that really matter in life.

 

When you are traveling down the road of life in your twenties you have maybe 2 or 3 gears to shift through...the ride is exhilirating but less than smooth. Acceleration and deceleration are breathtaking and sometimes a bit scary. As you mature you add a couple/few more gears to the mix and the ride begins to smooth out quite a bit (depending on who's driving of course), though it can be equally exhilirating, and if done right, even more so.

 

What am I getting at? What I'm trying to say is that sometimes you need to realize that you do not yet have the life knowledge/gears to accelerate gracefully into the next phase of your life. More importantly, it can be very difficult for 2 young people to keep pace with one another as they race down the road of life. This is normal. I went through it myself with a GF when I was your age. What you can't do is constantly look in the rear view mirror (or perhaps through the windshield) to see if your companion is still in view. Thats not fair. He has his own race and he needs to be able to do it without the distraction of always having you in view.

 

Okay, enough with the car analogy. As I have told other women/girls on this board who had the courage and maturity to tell their stories and feelings honestly I understand that what you are feeling is very real and very difficult. I also understand that the very last thing you want is to hurt your ex. What you need to understand is that (as Michael pointed out) your indecisiveness and confusion is probably the greatest means of hurting him. He's in limbo. He doesn't know where you, he or the relationship stands. If you want to help him through it, give him clarity. Don't hide behind the term 'break' if you truly feel as though you need to explore life on your own. Do him the favor of calling it what it is: a break-up.

 

Hope can be such an incredible emotion in most contexts, but in the arena of breakups its a heart wrencher. A person can cling to it forever, can inflate it beyond its true worth...and make life-altering decisions to avoid it from being extinguished. If your ex is as good of a guy as you make him out to be, you need to give him everything he needs to move on with his life. I think you know how to do this.

 

But be very wary about the advice you hear from others. They don't know him as well as you do, and they certainly don't know 'you', as in the relationship. You said that

My friends and family have warned me that I might regret marrying the first person I was in a relationship with

Did they tell you the flip side of the coin? That is the regret you will feel for letting him go? Ask a few people on this board about their experiences with letting people from their past go who seemed to be the 'one'. Their regrets have stayed with them for years and years, and probably will never completely fade. Ever heard of the expression, 'the one that got away'? Thats an age old saying thats persisted because of the amount of emotions it invokes in those who have lived it.

 

Having said all that, you are right about the resentment bit. If you don't put these questions to rest (bear in mind that you don't have to put them all to rest...you never will...at some point you have to realize that sacrifices and compromises will have to be made) they will persist within the relationship and most likely erode it. Putting them to rest however, doesn't necessarily mean having to scratch every itch you are feeling. It can simply mean maturely balancing what is and is not important to you and seeing where that takes you.

 

You are in a tough spot as is your ex. Just be sure to not allow your confusion to destroy him any more than it will. Don't let this 'break' linger...trust me, its one of the worst things you can do to him.

 

Caveat

[caveat]

Oh, and by the way...I just found out that I got my ticket for unlimited flights to/from Hawaii for one year!!! Woo hoo!!! I am so stoked. No reservations needed, no additional costs. Just hop on the plane and go...and my office and home are only 15 minutes from the airport. I've got places to stay in Hwaiii so costs will be minimal!

 

One way or another, 2005 is going to be an epic year. Keep hands and feet inside the frickin' vehicle at all times...this is gonna be a wild ride....

 

Caveat

[Eithne]

is is hard. I definitely would agree with the two people at two different paces in life, and i think this is a case of it. He just doesn't understand how that could possibly happen, how I could feel differently about us than he does. He is ready to settle down and I am not, and he takes that completely personally. I am 22 and feel practically married. It freaks me out and stresses me out and I can already feel resentment creeping up because he just does not understand. I guess that's why I did this, before I get completely fed up and the relationship is ruined forever. I still have hope for us, but this is just something I need to do. Ideally we could see eachother and be able to date other people also, but I would never ask that of him.

 

I don't want him to be the one who got away, but I just don't think it's fair to either of us to keep going on as normal when I have these worries. He told me if I have any doubts that we should break up, but then when I tell him, yes, I do have some doubts, he doesn't want to break up. So... just more confusion added to the whole situation.

 

I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough for this. I don't want to break up, but everyone seems to say that "breaks" aren't fair. I know he is going to plead with me and cry and that is going to be so hard. Am I supposed to cut off all contact and just ignore him?

[caveat]

I wish I had the answer for you, Eithne, but I don't. All I can say is that when a relationship comes to a point where the train is obviously about to leave the rails (sorry, I'm not sure why I'm hung up on vehicular analogies tonight...perhaps its the car and train pajamas I'm wearing as I write this...thats a joke by the way) do you think its easier to keep moving by or watching it wreck in what will seem like slow motion?

 

In some ways the long distance will be a blessing in that it will naturally lend itself to distance and separation. You won't have to worry about bumping into him at a local bar, work, etc. I think if you truly need time apart you need to stress to him that it has to be exactly that. Caution though, thats just my opinion based on what I feel I would need in this situation. Contact can equate to hope and hope may not be the best solution here.

 

If you love him, concentrate on what is best for him, not for you. Let that guide you. Don't allow your own selfishness to hurt him more than necessary. In my own cryptic way I'm saying (and again this is merely my opinion) clarifying that this is a break up if that is indeed what it is is critical and if that is indeed the case he is going to need some down/alone time to heal himself. Give it to him.

 

Caveat

[caveat]

Eithne,

 

Let me guess: when the topic of marriage and children came up in the past (i.e. before the fear or locking in forever overwhelmed you) you were a willing participant in the discussion. Maybe even the person who brought it up from time to time?

 

If not, disregard the rest of this post. If so...

 

How is it that a BF/GF can eagerly, willingly, and even unilaterally talk about detailed plans around getting married, having kids, home with the white picket fence, etc. ....and then run like hell 2 seconds later? In my case, I didn't even begin to think along those lines until my ex brought them up. Why? Because she was young and I didn't want to pressure her. But when she began to drop hints I picked up on them and went along. I set my timeline and behavior based on those hints and those were the very things that drove her away so suddenly. So frustrating. Had she not brought them up I would never have been compelled to start making plans and setting my own expectations along those lines.

[mazurka]

I have to go with Caveat on this one,

 

I have been through the same thing, best relationship in the world turns sour because someone just gets bored, or gets freaked with the commitment.

 

You are talking to someone(Who similar to mr Caveat) gave his heart and his soul to another person for seven years and now everything is over.

 

What I am going to regret the most was the time it took to come to this point and the lack of clarity and mixed signal. You eventually work out what is goin gon but believe me, in the long term most guys will respect a girl more who says "Its over" than who sends out mixed signals because they fear hurting the other party.

 

Yes, you are going to break the boys heart and he is going to fall hard, but this is life and what we all sign up to when we play the game. We all know the risks.

 

Make up your mind(It sounds like its made up) and do ti quickly and cleanly. One day he will understand and look back at the good times you spent together with a twinkle in his eye.

 

You go on and enjoy your life and dont look back, because this is all part of it.

 

As you get older you do develop more regrets as you have had to make more life changing decisions. I think in life its better to regret finding out what you dont know than regret not finding out.

 

Best of luck and enjoy.

[jhrivera1]

mazurka, I know exactly what you're talking about. I too was with my girlfriend for seven years, and right now, we're on a break. It seems like she doesn't know what to do and that the only reason she wants to stay with me is so she doesn't hurt my feelings. I love this girl, and I wish that she was as willing as I am to work things out. I know that it would be a lot easier to deal with if I had an answer from her. Either work things out or end it. It really sucks when there is uncertainty. It is really much easier for the other person in the relationship to deal with the situation when they know whether it's over or not.

[caveat]

I thought I left this crap in my twenties....

 

2AM last night and she calls...3 times. I was up late packing for my trip, saw that it was her, but didn't answer. I knew what the message would say before I listened to it. Standard, meaningless, alcohol-induced statements that I knew would mean even less come morning.

 

And sure enough, come morning, the email I knew would be waiting for me. "Very sorry", "will not happen again", "respect your request for the space you need to move on" blah, blah, blah. Into the trash can it went, but it sure as hell ruined my day.

 

I can't help but laugh. I'm viewed by most of the people I work with as an international attorney who has a knack for playing the angles and keeping the opposition on its toes during negotiations...if they only knew how much this 25 year old college student has shaken up this snow globe that I call my world they would probably wet themselves laughing. Gotta love life sometimes, it sure has a warped sense of humor.

 

Time to go play for a few days...

 

Caveat

[Michael2]

They always seem to come back and twist around your heart dont they Caveat.

 

Its extremely frustrating isnt it. You prepare, you try to heal, but no matter how hard you try they always seem to come calling. Sometimes all it takes is the sound of their voice to ruin your day. But do not let it.

 

Hang in there man.

[Foz]

caveat,

you sound so strong now, what is your secret, i am a mess and i just cant seem to move on..i am consumed by my ex, thoughts of him, conversations about him, dreams about him,

i am also acting pretty recklessly,mainly by drinking alot and then suffering the subsequent depression that goes with that..i know he is doing fine..and i just cant seem to pull myself together..its only been 6 weeks but i just feel awful all the time..

everyone says time and nc and that is what im doing but it just doesnt seem to get easier...

i try to concentrate at work, i like you am a lawyer, it took a long time to get here but i have no interest in my work at the moment, and im just staring at the computer screen, trying to look busy but falling apart at the same time..

how do i save myself??

[patheticgirl]

Hi.. Yes I am in a mess too. I am fully consumed by my ex of 10 years. Every other monute I keep thinking of our time together or how hes going to be with his new girl. Life is a torture and I dont seem to have any interest in it anymore. I am not sleeping properly, just 4 -5 hrs a day and a single meal. I feel like the entire world has betrayed me and I have no one for me anymore. Unfortuantely I have no friends around and also no interest to leave the house. I locked up myself for a week and its still goin. I pray my life to be back how it was before the breakup. I read guys saying that NC and all the other stuff will help you to move on, but I also read that even after 2 years people still think abt their ex and its a pain too. I am very afraid of the NC, thinking that it might take him away from me for good. I want to atleast see him or talk to him or mail him once a day, it gives me some sort of comfort. Please guys help me, I am really very down I dont want this life anymore

[mazurka]

Girls, Foz and pg(You should chnge your moniker, you are hurt, not pathetic so dont indulge yourself in that fantasy

 

Look at it this way, if you are in a car accident and you lose your leg you will have to make the requisite life changes and life your life taking into account that you now only have one leg, ie its happened, life can be cruel and you have to accept it. Its the same with this situation, its happened, its life, so deal with it.

 

In my experience relief from how you are feeling comes slowly with acceptence, have a bit of of pride too, dont let them see you down. It has been six months for me after 7 years and I am still suffereing from bouts of depression and associated health problems etc etc but you have to be strong and sometimes mentally slap yourself on the wrist to stop yourself slipping into depressive self indulgence.

 

Foz the lawyer, think about your work this way, if you where a soldier by trade and you where getting shot at all day and you didnt know whether you where going to make it until sunset, I am sure the breakup would be the last thing on your mind. Try to elevate your work to a level of importance that will cause it to distract you from your personal life, it can be done although it is hard.

 

Nobody is made of stone. But if you project your self outwardly in a strong and confident manner, people will relate to you that way and it will affect your state of mind positively.

 

Try it , it works

 

Good luck to both of you

[caveat]

Foz/PG,

 

Be patient with yourselves and just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other for the time being. Its completely reasonable to be in daze right now...you just extracted yourself from the train wreck and are trying to not only get your bearings on how to move forward, but are also trying to figure out how the train left the rails so suddenly and violently. Give it time and don't be too hard on yourselves.

 

At week 6 I was a disaster too. It was almost like living in a dream world. I experienced exactly what you are experiencing: diet and sleep patterns disrupted, inability to focus at work...you name it, I was feeling it. Yes, I feel MUCH stronger now, but I still have my down days and I still have instances where her absense so consumes me that its difficult to get anything constructive done.

 

For me, the key was (and is) to keep busy and to push myself into activities and settings that challenged me. One of the first things I did was to lay out a set of goals (both long and short term) that were realistic and were based on things that interested me (i.e. were for pure enjoyment rather than responsibility-based). I then mapped out the plan of action needed to achieve those goals as well as a timeline within which to reach them. As I made gains towards those goals and then started to reach them my confidence grew by leaps and bounds...and I was usually too damn tired or having too much fun to spend time spinning in misery or confusion.

 

I also pulled out all the stops in terms of spoiling myself. To some extent my behavior was financially irresponsible, but I kept reminding myself that I DESERVED to be pampered, that I had worked hard to achieve everything I had and that money doesn't mean squat if you are not happy.

 

Most importantly, I used this experience to really drill down on what I WANT. The breadth of that statement is intentional. I literally began to do a full inspection of every aspect of my life, measuring where I was against where I thought the ideal was/is. Career, family, health, relationships, hobbies/interests, money, home, etc. Every area went under the microscope and it was and is my intention to make sure that when I finally emerge from the ashes of this break up I will be stronger and a better person than ever before....and will be ready to take a run at life from an entirely different angle.

 

All of the above requires (1) a commitment to yourself (2) a realization that all of the above translates into a lot of work (and play) (3) a great deal of patience, and (4) a commitment and enthusiasm to CHANGE. Change in your relationship is what prompted the feelings that you are going through, largely because you cannot control them. Turn the tables on the situation and use CHANGE to your advantage. You are FREE to do whatever you want. Yes, it can be lonely, but one thing is for certain. Its just a matter of time before you meet someone else and end up in another relationship. So use this time alone to its fullest potential and start taking advantage of some of the things that single life makes available.

 

The cornerstone to my recovery has been my phsical activity. Between the weights, running, cycling and the various races and activities I've been pursuing (almost maniacally) I've whipped my body into the type of shape that not only makes me feel good about myself (and look a damn sight better than I did a year ago) but also allows me to participate in some of the sports and hobbies that in turn breed more confidence and achievement. If you have not already done so, I highly recommend getting your butt into the gym. Better yet, find a personal trainer who can help you map a program against some goals...a regimented program can go a long ways towards getting you to your targets.

 

There is no right or wrong answer on how you recapture your strength, but I firmly believe that the fundamental components include acknowledging your own self-worth as an independent/autonomous person, a dedication to controlling CHANGE rather letting it control you, and most importantly, patience and a commitment to filling your recovery time with activities and outlooks that will enrich your life regardless of the role your ex plays in it.

 

Hang in there...

 

Caveat

[mazurka]

Caveat is right, exersise has been my saving grace. its the key,

 

Dont give up it will get better and make those positive changes

[Foz]

how long has it been since you broke up with your ex??

i went to the gym last night and managed a yoga class, cant get back into the weights yet as im still not eating and sleeping properly so im afraid id pass out if i went back to my weights. when i get physically stronger i will. i had a personal trainer but had to cancel him for the moment as i wasnt capapble of doing the program he set me.

i just feel gutted, i gave him so much and now he has walked out and left me with nothing. there was nothing i wouldnt do for him, he had so much freedom within the relationship, he like you is a kitesurfer and mountain-biker, alot of his free time he spent pursuing these activities and i let him no complaining about could he not spend some time with me, i was just happy that he was happy, he worked abroad alot and could be away for 3 weeks at a time and back for 1 week, away again, again no complaining on my part. When he was financially under pressure i supported him, i just feel i gave him everything and it still wasnt enough and my god that hurts.

i wish there was a lesson somewhere i could learn from all this, maybe there isnt maybe he is just selfish and no amount of doing what pleased him would ever be good enough for him but guess what even though he was selfish and the relationship was always on his terms, i still miss him and the good times we had together..

he doesnt seem to care, i would take his calls or respond to his texts but there is nothing from him..i find it all so unbelievable and heartless..

any words of wisdom??

[caveat]

Hi Foz,

 

The ex and I broke up back in late February, so its closing in on about 8 months. There was ZERO contact for the first 5+ months and then a flurry of contact for a few weeks, but since there was no change in her position it didn't seem to make much sense to talk any more. I refuse to be jsut a friend.

 

I know exactly how it feels to give someone so much of yourself, to be supportive to a point where you are sacrificing more than you probably should. When they then opt to exit your life it makes the hurt all the more intense. "How could they? I gave him/her everything! I always put his/her interests in front of mine! How could they simply punch out of the relationship without trying to work out the issues first?" Add about a 1000 more questions and we are probably getting close to whats racing through our minds at the time of their exit. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you HAVE to stay strong...you HAVE to keep moving forward. To stand still is to die, to move forward is to live.

 

You have an ace up your sleeve and you don't even know it. Let me tell you how to put it to good use. When my ex broke up with me I, like you, was gutted. But what I quickly began to realize was that all of the energy, resources, money, time etc. that I had dedicated to her/us were now at my sole disposal. I started to use all of those things to treat myself as I wished she would have treated me! It was awesome! I traveled, I bought a whole new wardrobe and a BUNCH of new toys, started a bunch of new hobbies that I had always thought I had no time for. At first it was a struggle and it felt like I was just going through the motions, but it quickly turned into me simply having a good time.

 

The key is to get yourself moving and every time you feel like sitting down and dwelling on the break up, get up and MOVE. Make a list of things you need and want to do and start doing them. I know its much harder than it sounds, but you really need to force yourself to break from the rut. It will be incredibly tough at first but you will build momentum and soon enough you will be cruising along quite comfortably. Sure, 8 months out I still have my down days, but they are much more infrequent than they were a few months ago.

 

A whole new chapter of your life is beginning and there are so many opportunities out there for you. You just can't sit around and wait for them to find you....you need to get out there and hunt them down and I can tell you that the hunt is half the fun!

 

Take care and hang in there,

 

Caveat

[Elliesonline]

Not to sound harsh, but maybe she's a gold digger? You mentioned she was a secretary at your law firm, and you're a corporate attorney? I dunno I know plenty of women who aggressively pursue men who are WAY OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE, then leave when they set their sights on something bigger and better. I would be suspicious about women who are a bit too persistent, they may have ulterior motives.

 

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

[idontgetit]

i don't know if i agree with that gold digger bit. a "true" gold digger would have jumped at the chance to MARRY the corporate attorney, and then when she found something else better, sure for divorce, split the assets, and then go!! there is no financial incentive to just date for a gold digger in the true sense of the word.

[cassiana]

After 3 mmonths my ex dumped me quite coldly. I had a few remarks to make and left him feeling like a louse. Two days later he told my friend trhat he hadn't meant to break up with me but merely wanted to take a break. He never said that to me and I haven't seen him since. It reinforces my belief that a break is a breakup for someone too cowardly to say it. The victim, for the want of a better word, should act like they are single either way.

[jony1234]

hey i have posted in here b4 about my gf and me breaking up but i think somehow my username i got delted.. i am 20 she ios just about 18

 

hey well ne ways me and my gf were together b4 for alittle over a year then.. i kinda broke it off but tryed to go back but she wouldn't go with me. after 4 months she came around and started after me again i had already given up hope... so we started back together for about 4 months now..

 

last week we had are pics taken together professionaly... was her idea she made the appointment without me even knowing.... everything was goin good... she baby sat for my brother the other day and yesterday i couldn't get ahold of her.. and then today she calls and asked why i called so much trying toi get ahold of her.. she seemed mad.. and then she said i want a break... i was like you know what happened last time she said i know i need some time with everything thats goin on. Her house just brunt alittle while ago and she had to live in a trailier with her family.. alittle traielr and 2 other kids and her parents are not easy oin her.. so she is stressed....

 

she said she wan't goin to see ne one.. i dunno if i believe it or not... i know this is not fair to me.. i have not talked to her since she said this to me either.. she said she wanted to be on a break till january, when they are livinh back in her house... she said u know we will get back together like the last time...

 

i know this is not fair too me at all... but i love her with all my heart and not good in these situations and i listen to you guys and girls... please any advice

[Foz]

Hi Caveat, how are you??

so here is my update, finally got angry and said right now i just have to pull myself together and drew up my list of goals, booked a few weekends away in europe etc, was in london this weekend and had fun!!

then i got off the plane last night and turned on my phone and there was a voice mail from my ex, wondering how i was and to give a call back if i want..

now i am confused again but i havent rang back, purely because im not really sure why he has rang me because he is seeing other girls now and appears to have moved on so why the sudden contact and what do i do

[caveat]

Hi Foz,

 

So he called...I'm less than surprised.

 

I've read a number of your other posts and agree with what appears to be the majority vote as to what you should do: don't be in a rush to call him back and more importantly, don't call him back if you are not ready to talk to him.

 

Think about it in these terms: even if he told you exactly what you wanted to hear right now ("biggest mistake of his life", "please forgive me", "will do anything to restore things back to the way they were", [insert other BS here]), would doing so immediately restore things to how you perceived them pre-breakup? It shouldn't.

 

No one walks out of a 9 year relationship flippantly, there are reasons and they run deep. You need time to digest what has happened and to really look at the relationship and him (and you)...YOU need time. Don't let him dictate the timetable and don't let him erode the base of INDEPENDENT strength you are now beginning to build. He made a decision based on what HE wants and its thereforeeee time for you to base all of your actions on what is in your best interest as a person, as an individual.

 

There is no way you can see all of this right now. Your head is spinning on your shoulders way too fast. You need to slow it down to a pace thats manageable and do what you have to do with respect to your communication with him to achieve that buffer period.

 

Lets speak in legal terms here for a moment. Ever heard of the expression, "the attorney who represents himself/herself has a fool for a client"? The truth behind that quote resides in the fact that people who are in emotionally charged situations are highly unlikely to look at things (and act) in a very objective, well-balanced manner even if they are highly trained in what they do. Decisions in situations like these need to be made in a vacuum and need to packaged in cold detachment. In my opinion you are still a ways out from being in a place where you will be able to really identify and protect what is in your best interests....so I think you need to be less than eager to start communicating with him in the near future.

 

Tough call on what you should do, but we'll be here to support whichever path you opt to head down.

 

Caveat

 

P.S. A bit of drama over the weekend relating to the ex, but I just got in from Hawaii and need to catch a few hours of sleep right now. I'll send an update in the next day or two....

[Foz]

hi caveat,

Dying to hear your update!!

 

Actually it was 3.5 years not 9 but 2 of them were living together so it was serious.

I think the reasons he rang are, he was at a wedding that we were supposed to be going to together and i had sent the groom (his friend) a text wishing him all the best and also the wife of another friend of his, who would both have been at the wedding, emailed me 3 weekd ago and i emailed her back saying how devastated i was. So im sure this and the text to the groom were mentioned. Hence why i popped into his head.

 

Im not too sure about the sincerity of his actions though because (yes i know im a lawyer and privacy laws and all that but i was not acting rationally at the time) i had access to his emails and checked them and he was saying that he had "finally packed it in with me" and that he was "happy enough with his decision" and he was also bragging about all the girls he had "scored" with since.

 

So i firmly believe his getting in contact has nothing to do with wanting to get back together with me.

 

if this had happened 3 weeks ago i would have rang back straight away but now that i have read his emails, i firmly believe he has moved on and is never coming back to me so i dont think anything would be achieved by me ringing him back. In fact it would only confuse me more and upset me all over again.

 

Im doing ok at the moment and i dont think i need him calling and ruining what progress i have made..

 

Keep in touch and let me know your update,

 

Foz