"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

[caveat]

Take this 'no contact' time to do some serious introspection, not to the point where it becomes maddening, but enough to really think about yourself and where any imbalances may be. This takes TIME, not weeks, months! When you stagger away from the train wreck, your head is everywhere and nowhere at the same time...she's confused, you're confused. Time allows you to sort through the emotions and place them in their appropriate buckets.

 

Look at my original post...I actually described my relationship as 'solid'! What the hell was I thinking when I wrote that? A 'solid' relationship doesn't come apart at the seams, catching you as a total surprise. Do you think I have some reflecting to do on how I was lulled into thinking it was solid? I think so...and have. I don't have my brain completely around it, but I'm beginning to connect the dots. Only time allows for that reflection...and believe me, if they are in any way conflicted or confused time is what they need to sort through things as well.

 

Thats my last post of the night...time to mingle with living. Have a good Friday night everyone and sorry for the soliloquy.

 

Caveat

[d346]

here's my input...well, I don't really have any, but perhaps just my story.

 

I have been in a relationship for a few years...going wonderfully, but my significant other has been going through turmoil about career, family issues, and dissatisifaction with things in his life right now. we've always had a loving relationship. He always said he wanted a future with me, but in retrospect things got shaky when I started asking when. He eventually pulled away, saying he felt cornered, unsure and needed time. I am certain, as mentioned here before, that I am the only factor, the only stress in his life that he can remove right now. Yet I am one of the best things in his life.

 

Now, I've gone through many stages. 2 weeks after our time apart he had no resolutions, just that a weight has been lifted. I couldn't handle that...I was a mess, wanted to know the fate of things, if we could work things out. I didn't have the heart to outright tell him it's over so I said that I need to be able to move on and find happiness whatever it may be. He said ok.

 

Did I mean it at the time? Of course not. I wanted him to realize this and come back to me. Yet time passed (a week or so) and he didn't. I was so hurt, so angry, not to mention thinking I don't want to be with someone who can so easily walk away from me -since I have been so wonderful and accommodating to him -I only asked one thing of him, his time and a committment to the future (engagement) and he bailed.

 

It's probably been a month since he originally needed time. I have been making some progress on my own, and actually am wondering if I really want someone who can so easily let me go. I was really hurt that he didn't even want to talk to me. It seemed so cruel. we were best friends...how can he do this knowing he hurt me.

 

I am now at the stage where I feel somewhat ok without him. I still miss him. but I'm not devestated. I can entertain the idea of maybe meeting someone eventually who will suit my needs better. Perhaps the next time I go out, I'll talk to some guys, flirt a little and feel confident that I am an attractive woman -a catch so to speak. Turns out we did run into one another, and then he finally emailed me to see how things were going. I responded ok, keeping busy, working through things myself, and he responded that he missed me and was thinking about me. What do I do with that? god knows. What does that mean? I have no clue. He clearly IS confused as he said.

 

I have to admit it threw me for a loop. I feel better, and I'm not sure if I am just relieved he is having equally a hard time, or if I have hope to get back together. Yet my head is telling me not to have false hope.

 

I am just trying to focus on myself, be comfortable on my own. I was getting a little needy in the relationship, but I think that is natural when your partner starts to pull away. You try to hold on tighter, glue it together.

 

I am a little afraid to move on, because I love him. If I am the one to move on, it's over forever -which is equally upsetting. The only difference is that I am the one that would control that.

[buckbergson]

I know how you feel...Mine started as a "break" but then led to a "break-up" even though taking a break is really just breaking up in my mind....My ex still calls me a lot and expresses that she still loves me and that I made her the happiest...But what I have realized is that I can' t change who I am..I know I treated her well and if she really wanted to be with me she would, but shes not...You have to start thinking about yourself a little...as hard as that is you have to....as cliche as it sounds, if its meant to be it will be....at least thats what i think...things happen for a reason..the best thing people can do is be themselves..

[confused...]

Hello, it must be really hard on you...

I sorta know how you feel though my case it happens long distance relationship with another country. My bf said he doesn't want to have time for himself but what he is doing exactly taking time from me completely.

I've been given uncertainty nc i should suppose..

My bf is really really sturbborn as well as you said your gf is.

So I don't know what's going to happen between us.

But good thing about sturbborn they might come back to you cos they are sturbborn in the first place and in the end !... That's what I'm hoping for my bf.

Another thing, one of my friend saying she wants to have time for herself for a while like almost a year and come back to him then she think she could have better relationship with her bf cos she got to study for the career.

 

So I thinkits case by case depends on your gf personality and the things to do...

 

I hope you are ok and take care..

[jarofpinecones]

I got the "we need a break" line too.

 

I said, "if you are breaking up with me, why not just break up? This 'needing time' thing makes me think there is hope of getting back together in the future. If there isn't, don't you think it would be kinder to let me know that now?"

 

He said, "we need time apart. So that you can realize you no longer need me, and so that I can get over you."

 

He has a new girlfriend already, that I found out he's been with for the last eight months. He claims they were just friends, and that things turned romantic only recently, but who in the hell knows? Whatever. "Break" for me means, "So I can sleep with other people for a while, and see if I miss you. If I don't, you're gone."

 

I'm not hanging around for that crap. Caveat is right, pick up your toys and move to a new playground. The only way to look is up, and the only way to move is forward.

[caveat]

Thanks for everyone's replies/shared stories. I think we all agree that the person who created the term 'break' should be taken out back and beaten within an inch of their life.

 

D346--So you were the only 'stress factor' in his life he could unplug? I find that hard to believe as I'm sure you do as well. Sure, maybe he felt an immediate sense of relief, but I wonder how he is going to feel when he feels that stress begin to creep back into his life and begin to realize that perhaps it wasn't you but him...

 

Buck--Your ex still calls you a lot? Why do you take the calls? That hamster wheel of pain doesn't begin to slow down until the contact does...unless, that is, you are fine with easing into a friendship rather than an amorous relationship. If so, my hats off to you...I couldn't handle that downshift...I would need to hit the brakes.

 

Confused--It sounds like you and I are in relatively similar spots--you have my sympathies. Its not a fun place to be, but stay strong, it gets TONS better. As for your friend who thinks that its feasible or realistic to put things on hold for a year, I suggest you deliver a hard slap to the face and tell her to snap out of her dream world. It doesn't work that way...if she's feeling the need to break away, tell her to package it as it should be: "break up" not "break". Great if things work out and a year later she can reconcile, but in that year she needs to give the guy some closure rather than expect to keep him spinning.

 

Jar o' cones--"we need time apart. So that you can realize you no longer need me, and so that I can get over you."--wow, now thats some gall. If I heard that I'd probably start laughing hysterically as I showed the person the door and pushed them down the stairs. Sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder that needs some trimming down. Good for you though...you don't need that crap...believe it or not, there are some good guys out there who would not pull something like that.

 

Caveat

[caveat]

Almost 4 months of zero contact...but who's counting?

 

Its hard to believe so much time has passed since my ex said she wanted to take a break and I imposed the "don't call me unless you want me as the only man in your life" ultimatum, but as painful as it has been its been an experience that has taught me lessons that will last a life time. For those of you who are going through the same thing I can only say DON'T TAKE IT LYING DOWN. Get up. Move forward. Regain your confidence. Own your pain and learn from it, don't let it own you. And don't fear the resurgence of pain from time to time. It waxes and wanes and sometimes the wound feels as fresh as the day after the injury, but thats normal...keep picking yourself up and moving forward. Life is a series of peaks and valleys and you are in the middle of the Rockies right now, but as you get closer to greener pastures the peaks and valleys get shorter and flatter...and you just get stronger for having made the journey.

 

One small update to share with those who may be interested: I bumped into her best friend last weekend in a way that still has me scratching my head. Though my profile shows me living in Medford I actually live in a city with a population of about 1 million. There was a street fair on Sunday that attracts thousands of people and I met up with some friends at one of the bars for a couple of beers. I was pretty beat up from a long weekend of exercising and socializing/partying so was content with hiding out from the crowds in the confines of the bar. About 3 hours later I got this sudden strange urge to go out on the street...I KNEW I was going to run into her best friend. I excused myself and walked out, still trying to figure out what was pulling me.

 

20 minutes later I run right into her (the best friend). Bear in mind there were literally THOUSANDS of people in the bars and on the streets. She came running over and delivers a huge hug. First thing she says is, "when I was getting ready this morning I was hoping I would run into you. Actually, it was strange, I knew I would run into you." Now I'm not a fatalistic/spiritual guy, but this was really really weird.

 

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that it was a good 40 minute conversation, but I have no expectations of it changing anything. She begged me to call my ex, but I said I couldn't as it would change nothing. She told me how much the ex misses me but couldn't call me b/c of the ultimatum. She told me how she still thinks the 2 of us will be together and that we are meant for one another. I said there are plenty of couples who were 'meant to be together' but failed because they didn't work at it hard enough. We talked about a lot but when she asked (3 times) if we could get together and talk about the situation I said I'm sorry but I don't think it would be a good idea for either the ex or I. She said she couldn't believe how different I looked (I'm not bragging, but between the weights, personal trainer, diet and mountain biking/trail running, plus the new wardrobe and Hawaii/Vegas tan...I'm looking a lot different from 4 months ago) and how much more relaxed I seemed since the last time she saw me. I told her that the ex breaking my heart was a wake up call and that I needed to break out of the rut that I was in and get on with my life. She said she knows we will be back together and will be even stronger than before. We talked about a lot of things, I'm not stupid enough to think that this changes anything. Anyways, just thought I would share the story for those who are following this Greek tragedy.

 

Caveat

[RayKay]

I'm not stupid enough to think that this changes anything.

Caveat

 

Except for the fact you KNOW the best friend is going to go back to the ex and tell her all about the new & improved, oozing confidence and self respect YOU!

 

Interesting though that she told you your ex misses you but is not calling you due to ultimatum - at least she respects that and obviously she is not ready either yet..or she would of broken it.

 

Mountain biking eh...do you do a lot of it? I compete in mtn biking (and also do some road as well but mtn biking takes precendence). Cool. I love it.

[caveat]

Thanks RayKay.

 

Yes, she respects the ultimatum because despite her age she knows that coming back with unresolved feelings/wants would not work. She is wonderfully stubborn and though its at the expense of my heart, I can't help but understand and (when nobody is looking) applaud her for wanting to claim her independence. We are unfortunately a victim of timing more than anything.

 

Yeah, I'm sure her friend will give her the report, but the physical attraction was never really a problem (she used to always talk about how the first time she ever saw me how her mouth got dry and her heart started beating really fast) though I did let myself slip a bit when work got insane in 2003. Besides, if my appearance or confidence led to her coming back I would have serious misgivings about giving it another go since it would mean that she was burying the issues which triggered the break to satisfy a more immediate and superficial desire. Then again, its better than her going back and saying 'Caveat gained 30 lbs. and looks like crap'.

 

Exercise has been my savior. I've always been athletic and physically active, but the last couple of years have been very demanding and I had not spent nearly the amount of time/energy into my hobbies as I typically do. From day one of the break that changed and I've been going 1000 mph ever since. I'm on the bike usually 2-3 days a week...lots of hills, and trail run about 35 miles per week, also through the hills, and lift 3 times a week. I've got an adventure race in Reno this Saturday which should be a piece of cake and on the following weekend, a 15 mile trail run that promises to be brutal.

[Mun]

All that and you still find time to be online Caveat .. incredible !

 

Sounds like you are doing better not just in your appearance but emotionally too. Congrats!

[Michael2]

Caveat you are one tough individual. I applaud your sense of well being, and the way you are able to look at your relationship from different glasses says a great deal.

 

THat is quite the saga. Especially the part when you met with your EX's best friend. Brings back memories of when I originally met my ex. Strange how things work out isnt it.

 

I'm not sure how I would take it either. It is definitely nice to hear from others that the ex is thinking of you. But you are correct, and honest, when you said it doesnt change anything. That is right on. For one, word of mouth only goes so far, in the end, actions are the time and moments that shape us into who we are.

 

It is unfortunate that the main downfall of your relationship was timing. Same here. I wonder why that is. Why God brings us together, while knowing full well our relationships are not meant to last. That is where I start to realize that sometimes these relationships are stepping stones to happiness. Maybe we have to deal with the pain of losing someone, and deal with a broken heart, so that in the future, when we meet our soulmates we will fully welcome them and allow their heart and ours to melt into one. Maybe these partners, our ex's, the ones we yearn for are not our soulmates. But instead teachers. Teaching us the difficult lesson of love. Not sure if that makes complete sense.

 

Take care

[RayKay]

Exercise has been my savior. I've always been athletic and physically active, but the last couple of years have been very demanding and I had not spent nearly the amount of time/energy into my hobbies as I typically do. From day one of the break that changed and I've been going 1000 mph ever since. I'm on the bike usually 2-3 days a week...lots of hills, and trail run about 35 miles per week, also through the hills, and lift 3 times a week. I've got an adventure race in Reno this Saturday which should be a piece of cake and on the following weekend, a 15 mile trail run that promises to be brutal.

 

Awesome, it has been my saviour even while IN a relationship - very important to me! Good luck on the adventure race...I am doing the 24 Hours MTB race in my province solo this year in July...did it in a team last year, but this should be something else altogether! I have been having a great racing season this year too.

 

The crazy thing is that I think it is the shared commitment to bike riding that may bring my ex and me back together in the end since it gives us quality/positive time together (oh well, and all that love stuff too and time too...as we too are victims of timing more than anything else...sucks doesn't it...but we both recognize that and of course...there may be a day when time is right!)

[caveat]

I've asked myself those very same questions, Michael, and I wish I had the answers. What I do know is that this is the first time in my 32 years where I have had my heart broken and I will never, ever, ever forget this feeling, nor will I disregard the lessons learned. In a strange way, I'm almost glad this happened because it has taught me what true loss of the closest person in your life feels like, and if there is a measure of the depth of one's love for another it must be the depth of the sense of loss. And what does loss teach you? To not squander what you have, to hold it dear and nurture it, to not turn your back on it with the expectation that it will continue to fluorish without your attention.

 

Ask yourself this question: will I be a better, stronger, more loving man because of this? I'm guessing the answer is yes. That in of itself makes this experience worthwhile. There are those who will take an experience such as this and become embittered, resentful and distrusting and I think that is such a waste of one of the most personal learning experiences you will have in a lifetime. This is indeed a stepping stone and it is up to each person to decide where they want that stone to take them.

 

I wonder why that is. Why God brings us together, while knowing full well our relationships are not meant to last.

Well, He works in mysterious ways and it very well may be that you were meant to shepherd someone through a tough period in their life and then let them go. I've given that one a lot of thought. In the first year and 1/2 of my 'relationship' with my ex I was less than honorable (in some ways I view this as my punishment!) but despite knowing what was going on her mother always maintained, 'he is a good man, he will do what is right'. Over the years as the relationship matured she has said on a number of occasions that she was certain that God had sent me to protect and love her daughter and that I had come during the most difficult time...perhaps that time has passed and she is now ready to forge out on her own. As hard as that may be, I could live with that.

[a_little_sparrow]

caveat, I agree so much with your take on learning through loss. The breakup I went through before this one I went from loss to anger, and eventually had to start seeing a therapist because even after four months I would wake up day after day with this incredible anger toward that ex.

 

As a result I feel as if this most recent relationship didn't receive the type of attentention it should get. I avoided talking to her when I felt there were problems. Yes, I did this out of fear of losing her, but I'm learning that silence in this case isn't the appropriate reponse. When I had doubts, I let them sit in my heart, and I know full well that they poisoned the relationship from my side. Whatever comes in the future, be it the return to this ex or a new woman, I know I can never again let that happen.

 

Slowly, I become grateful that I can't move into anger mode with this breakup. This ex has been honest the whole time, and I can find no reason to be angry with her. And so I force myself to look at things, and find what I did wrong, what in the future I can make sure I do right.

 

The irony is that as we were breaking up I continued to accuse this ex of not giving us a chance to work on our relationship. In reality, I should have initiated work on the relationship from my side long before she asked for a break.

 

And so all I can do is take it as a lesson learned and continue moving on.

 

More than anything though, I can see how in certain circumstances (for instance when the ex leaves for someone else), there are many reasons to get angry. But if one is truly going to grow from the breakup, there must be a move beyond anger, to reconciliation with your own heart.

 

Indeed God works in mysterious ways. But why do they sometimes have to cause such pain as the lessons are being taught.

[Kayak Bolex]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm really glad that everyone is posting so honestly to caveat's post. I am in a similar situation and will reflect on some of your insights.

 

I met a wonderful woman seven years ago. We dated for 4 years and then got married three years ago.

 

On Sunday she told me that she wants a trial separation. And deep down I don't think there is such a thing.

 

There are two main reasons for her request - first, she feels that we are best friends (and I agree) and we love each other but that we just don't love each other in the way that a husband and wife should. We don't have sex often and I know she would like to have sex a lot more. But we both find excuses not to have sex.

 

And secondly she says that we have become (or maybe we have always been) codependent. And I agree to this as well.

 

But I am confused right now. I have never lived alone. And I wonder if I had lived on my own ten years ago and developed more independence and confidence, and we had met at that moment and got married, would our relationship work out? And, if so can we just take a break and each develop personally, and then come back together, wouldn't our relationship be that much stronger? I guess the key is we could IF we both still wanted to be together.

 

And I'm trying to figure out if the lack of sex is due to our codependence and lack of confidence or if we just truly aren't compatible in that way.

 

She thinks that a trial separation is best for her and probably best for both of us. And I'm trying to objectively figure out whether I agree, but my mind is flooded with emotions about losing her and losing the wonderful friendship we have and honestly I'm scared of being alone.

 

My fingers are shaking as I type this and I feel that I'm just rambing on, but if somebody could just reply to this I'd really appreciate it.

 

Thanks.

[caveat]

KayBol,

 

Welcome. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation...I know the finger-shaking thing well from the first days of my situation. Don't be afraid to let it loose, man (the emotion that is). I remember the day after the bomb was dropped on me I went up into the trails and ran until I puked and then got up and ran again until my legs gave out, at which point I just broke down, beat the earth with my fists and howled my pain...I must have been a sight. There's no shame in it...it just shows you're human.

 

The common thread between your situation and mine (as well as many of the others here) is the request for independence, though I fully understand that such a request may take many forms, i.e. it could be a legitimate need for independence for growth purposes, a smoke screen for wanting to be with a specific person, a cowardly way of simply saying they don't want to be with you, etc. People get so intertwined in one another's lives I think its easy for someone to wake up one day and realize they have lost sight of their individuality, especially if they have certain needs or wants that they believe are not being fulfilled.

 

The sex piece sounds like it could be part of it, but it sounds like the "we love each other but that we just don't love each other in the way that a husband and wife should" piece is the much larger issue. My question is in what way should a husband and wife love one another? Did you two ever fall madly in love with one another or was it more gradual? I ask because I think people who have fallen for one another intensely sometimes think that that intensity will last indefinitely and come to consider it as a requirement to stay in the relationship.

 

I think you can develop independence within a relationship. In fact when I told my family about my ex's reason for wanting a break, i.e. the need for independence, they were a bit puzzled because they considered their independence within their relationships (my parents have been married over 40 years, and each of my siblings have been married for a number of years, the oldest's being 15 years) as fundamental to its success and strength. Have you explored ways of obtaining that independence within the relationship without something so drastic as a separation?

 

What about counseling before pulling the trigger on a separation? I would explore every option possible before crossing that line.

 

You need to be strong and not let your emotions overwhelm you. This is going to be a nerve-wracking period of time, but you need to keep your wits about you and not let emotion dictate your actions.

 

Hang in there buddy...

[SDRE5]

Hello,

I recently joined this little club when by gf of almost 4 years said she wanted to take a break for two months and then see where's it headed.

It should be noted that she wants marriage and has wanted marriage for a while. I can't help but feel like this is a ploy or payback for "a year where I didn't know if I was holding out hope for something I wasn't sure was going to happen." I could be wrong, though. I mean, how can you want someone and not want to be with them?

She said this break would give her time to think about the relationship, while giving me time to "see what progress" I'd made towards this engagement idea. I'd said I wasn't ready. When faced with what I considered to be a break-up, I completely changed my tune but didn't really mean it and she knew it. She said I was "smothering" her, trying to win her back with false promises. I think she wants me to want to get married as the right thing, not because it's because I'm scared of losing her. Or maybe she doesn't want that at all. But if so, why the "break." She could have ended it altogether, but didn't, in fact going out of her way to politely suggest the break to ease the tension while she tended to a demanding new job.

By the way, she recently moved 12 hours away for a new job. We're a few years out of school and are both in first real serious realtionships. Maybe that plays a part, too.

At first, I took it as a break-up, saying it could never work that far away.

But we still talk. We still say ILUVYOU when we hang up. She pledges to not see someone else. I guess I believe her since I've no reason not to. She called the other day, and she was teasing me, cooing me to the marriage idea with, "you let a good thing go ... i can cook really well," etc..

She sounded like she was caving in, but last night, the conversation wasn't as good. She said she hadn't had long enough to think about it yet, doesn't know if I'm serious (or she is) enough for marriage since it took so long for me to ask her.

So I guess, I'm wondering if I still have hope with this. Is it just a ploy for a ring? Does she not have an answer since it's either no-go or OK with no ring, neither of which she wants? Or is she really questioning her desire to be with me? Should I just let her go and move on? Or should I just relax for 2 months and see what happens?

This is driving me nuts, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[jarofpinecones]

SDRE5, I just read your post, and if you will permit me, I think I have an insight based on the things that stand out to me the most.

 

My first impression, is that you are in a power struggle. You said you were not ready for marriage, and your girlfriend is playing the separation trump card. Two months is just long enough to shake both of you up and see what shakes out.

 

You proposed, but you don't mean it. You are hoping you have a chance that this will work out, but what, exactly? Not marriage, certainly. Just a continuation of dating? You want to keep the status quo?

 

And her, I would ask, what is the big rush? How long have you been dating over all? You both just got out of college, this is a time when a lot of people feel lost after following a set routine for four years. A lot of people just want to cling to what's familiar as they start their new lives. Some couples grow together, others grow apart.

 

You sound all over the map on this. It could just be because you are really shaken up and in shock. Or, it could mean you yourself need to sort out just what you want. Your girlfriend either knows the two of you are in love, and you are just being a fence-sitter, or she is just in a hurry to pass Go, collect $200 and get the white-picket fence and you just happen to be handy. Perhaps this is a good time to sort things out. Use the time wisely, and ask yourself some hard questions.

 

Good luck my friend.

[SDRE5]

Thanks for the advice ... I still don't really know what is going on with us ... but I've convinced myself to relax and concentrate on what I want more than what she's trying to get me to do.

I think she may be in the same boat, all over the map. Hopefully, it works out. I'm still wondering if there is hope, given the circumstances, but I've a hard time believing she wants it to totally end. If she did, the why the time frame of two months? Why not just end it?

[Pebek]

Caveat - I know what you're going thru. My gf of almost 5 years broke up with me March 19 saying she 'needed time'. I also invested a lot in the relationship. She was 19 and me 35 when we started dating. She was just out of high school. I helped her thru college, not financially but I was there when she needed me. That was the best period of the relationship. Now she's at university. Next year is the last. To make my story short - on Monday March 15 we were having fun as usual at my place, then on Friday she dropped the bombshell. I was shocked. I guess it must be the huge age gap why she broke up with me. It's the common 'I wanna see what else is out there' problem I ran into. Now it's been 3 months of NC. I wish someone would make the hurting stop. I think I still love her. I just don't know how to let go. We were planning to get married after she graduated, which will be next year. We were also planning 3 weeks at the seside this coming summer, as last summer vacation was so great...

Yeah, I can't be of much help because there's still a long way ahead of me, to recovery, that is. I've wanted to pick up that phone a thousand times. Be strong man.

[kojac]

Hmm. Tonight I may be joining the club. My girl (18 ) and I (20) live 300 miles apart , and have been dating for over a year and a half. We were having some trouble earlier this year, and I wasn't sure if it wouldn't be better to take a month to figure out if we even wanted to fix it. It was met with an almost panicked response, so I dropped it. Tonight, we're talking, and she brings up something that's been on her mind, which is this:

We've been dating for this time, and it's getting serious. We've talked very seriously about getting married after college. She feels (and I have to admit she may be right) that we've become really serious, and settled into the idea, and to make sure it's something we're positive about, we ought to take a break. It's not a good thing to feel pressured or obligated. I told her that if we do this, there's going to be no communication for the month that we do it, because if we do communicate, it'll defeat the purpose. I see the point of it, because I thought it might be necessary before, but ugh. Anyway, the point is to test it, within limits. Be single (to a point where you're not going to feel guilty or hurt the other half) and see if you learn anything. I love her, and I'm sure she loves me. I think that our age and the depth of this relationship so fast has made this viable, but it's not exactly pleasant. Nor do I look forward to a month of NC from my best friend. Any comments or advice would be appreciated (maybe not followed, but read and considered)

[caveat]

4+ months of ZERO contact after talking everyday for nearly 6 years...it has not been easy, but I have stuck to my guns. This past Friday night I was out on the town with some friends, got home late, drank too much, etc., and when I got home I noticed that she had called twice. She did not leave a message.

 

It was past 2AM when she called but I resisted the urge to call her back and I don't think I will (though I can tell you its hard not to pick up the phone). Why is she calling? Had a few too many and was feeling down? Was she in trouble and needed help? She wanted her independence, she did not want to be in a committed relationship, she wanted her space. She's got it now and I refuse to be a safety net or just another friend. There can be no middle ground, but I sometimes wonder if the ultimatum I gave was too strong...

 

4+ months and my love for her has strengthened rather than weaken. Why? Because 4+ months is a lot of time to reflect on all aspects of the relationship and a lot of time to regain and improve on your own strength and balance, which I have done at a furious pace. Funny thing is is that I know I need more time. How bizarre....

[KBear]

Caveat, I want to say thank you first and foremost. My gf and I of nearly 3 years have recently gone on a 'break' and I sought refuse here to find some logic behind this mayhem. I found myself intrigued by what you have said so far, so much so that I have read your posts from start to finish and now I must thank you. And I commend you for the strength and perseverance you've shown throughtout this time, you must know that it is very inspiring to someone in a similar situation.

 

I too am a victim of 'timing.' Meeting at 21(me) and 19(her), and now I am on the verge of turning 24, these past few years have progressed slowly but yet very quickly at the same time. We started out as friends with the idea of being in a relationship with each other not in the picture, but there was always a feeling of comfort and ease when I was around her. And slowly this developed into something very serious and very strong, so strong that she is my best friend and in some terms my 'soulmate'. But our lives have become so intertwined with each others that we forgot about the idea of keeping the fire lit and got too used to being in a relationship.

 

It was a couple weeks ago that she dropped the bombshell, 'I think we need to take a break.' Me being the receiving party, I didn't react well to the idea. I think I said something along the lines of, 'if you don't want to be with me, why don't you just break up with me.' Hindsight always being 20/20 I now realize that this was not the best way to respond and all it did was make this situation more difficult for the both of us. She said that she felt like she was married to me, and she felt like she was too young to feel like she was married. She said she just needed sometime to be single for a while and figure out what she wants out of all this. I too have given a little short of my heart and soul to her and I often felt like I was being taken for granted and I think she realized that. But I too got way too comfortable and forgot that the little things in a relationship are things that can hold it together. It has been a week of NC and I can honestly say that this is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, even factoring in college. To love someone so dearly, unconditionally, and then to have to part is a gut wrenching feeling. I think its the uncertainty of this whole situation is what gets to me. I know that this break in our relationship is too make each other stronger, I know it has the potential for us to realize what we had so our relationship can be stronger, I know that she still loves me, and I know that when we're together things are okay, and I guess this is what makes it so difficult. I have to admit that I have been weak during this time of NC, I would occasionally leave her a text message, not to say anything important, but mostly to say Good Morning. But after reading your thoughtful posts and seeing what everyone else has gone through, I realize now that it's best that I stick to my guns for the time being.

 

At first I did not know what to do, but after reading everyone's posts here I can ultimately see the silver lining in this cloud and that all is not lost. (and my sincere apologies for the novel)

[Aylin]

Caveat...I've only read the first 3 pages and the last one of the the thread, so hopefully I got the gist of it all to comment. I've to say that I do identify with your ex. She's asking for space and time to find herself, to know herself, to be herself. We're all more vulnerable to the environment we live in than we want to acknowledge - shape and behave in the way that will ensure our survival. What's my point? A few, and here's one. If you love art, do art, it demands constant introspection and re-evaluation, you're a seeker and an inventor or more like a re-inventor. Many get lost in the process meaning you end up having identity crisis often times. Not easy on people and loved ones around. Haven't you heard of the cliches of eccentric or difficult artists?

 

I believe your ex is about 26-28? As a woman, and I don't have a scientific proof, this is crucial period where you come to realization that you're a woman in every sense of it, and sometimes you don't know quite what to do with all the possibilities. If you're more of the reflective type, you want more than just marriage, kids and diamonds. And if you haven't had the chance to live the single's lifestyle, and the media keeps telling you that it's truly great, you may be tempted because it's another way to find out about yourself.

 

It sounds like you have been the knight in shining armour for her and her family. She calls because part of her is still with you, who has been instrumental in shaping her life in the last 6 years. I'm sure she still loves you very much, but what sort of love? She may not know, maybe she does. Is it going to be the sort of love that will help you become man and wife? It seems like you will take her back readily once your ego is healed. I hope you don't take it as a negative...a lot times we're where we are because of our egoes. I would ask your ex if she truly loves you, and not confusing taking care of and taken care of with love.

 

I don't think it is necessarily a confusing matter to ask for a break. I recently asked for a break from my bf because I'm very confused by his duplicitous treatment towards me. There's no answer to a situation sometimes, not right away at least. I don't know how to deal with the situation, and I need time to process. So, a break seems like the most reasonable thing to ask. Do I feel ambivalent? Yes I do. I even ask if that's the right thing to do in my last posting. i just hope by asking for a break is not going to take on a negative turn, because I'm just not sure if I can handle the ramification.

[caveat]

KBear,

 

Glad to hear that you found the thread helpful. Knowing that you are experiencing something akin to my situation, I have no doubt that you are going through the wringer right now. You have my sympathies...

 

Isn't it amazing how years of intertwining your life with another's can seemingly be undone so quickly? Heavy emphasis is placed on 'seemingly' because unless a person's heart is made of stone I have a hard time believing that he or she can immediately cauterize all of the emotions and memories that flow from the break. This applies to both people in the relationship, not just the person who decided to hit the 'pause' button (even though in reality its better labeled as the 'eject' button!).

 

One of the more difficult realizations that I came up against was 'can you blame her'? This of course assumes that their claim of a need for independence was sincere and not simply a smoke screen for pursuing shallower desires. As much as I want(ed) to be angry with her, I can't fault her for wanting to stand up on her own 2 feet. Moreover, while some men may prefer to have a SO who is subservient who simply follows in thei shadow, I am not among them. I WANT her (whomever I ultimately decide to share my life with) to be strong and independent because at the end of the day the sum is only as strong as the individual parts.

 

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but I can tell you that the only major thing that I felt was lacking in our relationship was...you guessed it...her ability to stand up on her own 2 feet. She is strong, but she is young and thereforeeee has not had a lot of the challenges and experiences from which strength flow. At 32 I have had my fair share and the strength that has resulted was something I was willing to share unselfishly while she grew into herself. Unfortunately (and in the back of my mind I knew this) finding oneself is difficult to do when deeply intertwined with another.

 

Every situation and relationship is different and the best advice I can offer you is to not allow the opinions or advice of others to govern the choices that you are going to have to make. 2 realizations hit me like a hammer when we parted ways: 1. you have to let her go, and 2. you have to reclaim your strength and confidence. From day one, those 2 realizations have been my driving force, but I will be the first to admit that it is not easy. In fact, even after 4 months it feels like the wound is still fresh. But I am stronger than I have ever been and I have learned so much about myself, women and relationships, and really life in general.

 

Take it day by day and try not to agonize about the mistakes or oversights of the past, focus on the future and the opportunity that now lays at your feet.

 

Take care and hang tough.