I slapped my girlfriend across the face, and now I've lost her.

[Sn0man]

I agree. But I think physical violence means that a relationship is over. As I say, it's a fundamental basic rule for me, that the moment someone hits me, it's over. I honestly hope that everyone (male and female) have the same attitude. If you slap your partner accross the face, no matter what the provocation, it has to be over, I think.

In my younger years, I was punched, slapped and pushed by one or two former girlfriends, and had one that would throw her phone at my face whenever she got mad at me. I never chalked that up to domestic violence - but to heat of the moment anger (even though I question what I could have done to make someone that angry). I've never hit/thrown things at any woman - not that I wasn't tempted once or twice. In these cases, the relationship didn't end right there because we both knew it was out of character and stemmed from anger, not from some deep seated personality flaw that needed counselling or therapy. (well, maybe the phone thrower had some issues...I would run whenever she was near a cordless lol)

 

So not all relationships end because of something as minor as the OP's situation.

 

Violence is unacceptable but that does not mean the behaviour was. The OP's girlfriend's behaviour would be sufficient for many people to end the relationship and I believe that should have been his reaction rather than hitting her. Even if she wanted him back he would still have to deal with her behaviour.

Absolutely agree with this.

[DN]

In my younger years, I was punched, slapped and pushed by one or two former girlfriends, and had one that would throw her phone at my face whenever she got mad at me. I never chalked that up to domestic violence - but to heat of the moment anger (even though I question what I could have done to make someone that angry). I've never hit/thrown things at any woman - not that I wasn't tempted once or twice. In these cases, the relationship didn't end right there because we both knew it was out of character and stemmed from anger, not from some deep seated personality flaw that needed counselling or therapy. (well, maybe the phone thrower had some issues...I would run whenever she was near a cordless lol)

 

Honestly - that would be a text-book case of an abuser and an enabler.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'm really sorry, but if you had been my friend, I would have told you to dump these women instantly and never seen them again. That IS domestic violence. That IS unacceptable. I think you were in abusive relationships, and I would have supported you as such, and told you to walk away from these women at once.

 

No one should ever be hit by their partner. I don't think there are any excuses.

 

I also don't see it is 'minor' - he slapped his girlfriend accross the face because of her behaviour. He should have ended the relationship rather than resorted to physical violence.

[Bella20]

Physically hurting a woman is never OK. You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over. Once you cross that line, it's hard to ever go back.

[Imprecision]

I haven't read the posts in between.

 

However, from reading your original post, I can tell you:

 

1. She is holding this "incident" against you.

 

2. The content of this "incident" is irrelevant.

 

3. She is testing you to see your limits.

 

4. You best way forward is to say, "Look, I'm sorry for what I did, but I've done everything I can possibly do to make amends. I love you, but you cannot treat me this way - You cannot hold this incident against me forever. So it's your choice. Either forgive me or no contact."

 

5. Apart from this, the underlying dynamic of your relationship is wrong. You let her step over you way too many times. It is for this reason that she's using this incident to test your limits.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I haven't read the posts in between.

 

However, from reading your original post, I can tell you:

 

1. She is holding this "incident" against you.

 

2. The content of this "incident" is irrelevant.

 

3. She is testing you to see your limits.

 

4. You best way forward is to say, "Look, I'm sorry for what I did, but I've done everything I can possibly do to make amends. I love you, but you cannot treat me this way - You cannot hold this incident against me forever. So it's your choice. Either forgive me or no contact."

 

5. Apart from this, the underlying dynamic of your relationship is wrong. You let her step over you way too many times. It is for this reason that she's using this incident to test your limits.

 

How is the content irrelevant? He slapped her accross the face.

 

Seriously, I think they should break up. But either way, this is not a time for him to be saying get over it or no contact. It's quite a shocking thing to find out, that your partner is capable of hitting you. As I say, for me it would be a total deal-breaker.

[Bella20]

How is the content irrelevant? He slapped her accross the face.

 

Seriously, I think they should break up. But either way, this is not a time for him to be saying get over it or no contact. It's quite a shocking thing to find out, that your partner is capable of hitting you. As I say, for me it would be a total deal-breaker.

 

exactly, how is the incident irrelevant? that's like saying "okay, you raped her, but she's holding this against you.. it's irrelevant"

[Imprecision]

exactly, how is the incident irrelevant? that's like saying "okay, you raped her, but she's holding this against you.. it's irrelevant"

 

Consider an analogous situation - A man cheated.

 

For the first few days, his wife is upset at him. He grovels to seek her forgiveness. This is normal.

 

By the end of the first month, if his wife is still upset at him, then he should stop grovelling. He should stop grovelling, because clearly grovelling is not helping.

 

If he stops grovelling and takes control, then perhaps his wife will stop being upset at him.

 

But it is possible that his wife will still hold his error against him. In this case, he should say, "Wife, I was wrong, and you were right to be upset at me. But it has been a month. Even if I am a worthless, undeserving man, we are still husband and wife. So you have get over it. Either get over it, or we should divorce."

 

******

 

This current situation is far milder than if he'd cheated. He has let her walk over him for far too long. This current grovelling is a continuation of past dynamic. He needs to correct this dynamic. That is the underlying problem.

 

******

 

So I would say to the OP: Even if you're the most worthless, undeserving man on earth, you are still a man. A man should have self-respect. He should not pander to women. He should not let women walk over him. Will you be a slave to this woman forever? What if she never forgives you?

 

Paradoxically, if you show some independence, she will become attracted to you again. That would resolve the underlying problem of dynamic.

[DN]

There are two interrelated issues:

 

• she behaved unacceptably badly
  
• he slapped her
  

both are dealbreakers and either one should end the relationship. Which one is more unacceptable is therefore irrelevant.

[Imprecision]

There are two interrelated issues:

 

* she behaved unacceptably badly

* he slapped her

 

both are dealbreakers and either one should end the relationship. Which one is more unacceptable is therefore irrelevant.

 

Many relationships can get past either of these elements.

[DN]

Many relationships can get past either of these elements.

Rarely. Some behaviours are just unacceptable.

[Imprecision]

Rarely. Some behaviours are just unacceptable.

 

In fact, not rare at all.

 

I personally know couples who have undergone either one element - in some cases both elements - and are now stronger than ever.

[Bella20]

Rarely. Some behaviours are just unacceptable.

 

Physical violence is never an excuse though. Sure, she behaved badly, but he went and tried to talk to her while she was drunk and then slapped her. That's just the lowest of the low. What can you expect from a drunk person?!

[DN]

Physical violence is never an excuse though. Sure, she behaved badly, but he went and tried to talk to her while she was drunk and then slapped her. That's just the lowest of the low. What can you expect from a drunk person?!

What concerns me is that when someone becomes violent that seems to trump everything else and trivializes the behaviour that provoked it.

 

There is never an excuse for violence but there isn't an excuse for what she did either.

 

Once behaviour has gone beyond what is reasonable it is futile trying to decide which is worse in that relationship. There is enough 'blame' to go round without trying to make one partner more villainous than another. They are just better off apart.

 

In the case of the OP he should get counselling because of his past and what he witnessed growing up. But he also needs to put what happened in context and not be demonised - there was provocation. He should not have allowed that provocation to push him into becoming violent - that's a given - but he should also not be looking to be reconciled with someone who is patently unsuitable;e as a long-term partner.

 

We should be looking at both sides of this issue and not just looking at the slap - bad enough though that is.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I know, I seem hung up on the physical violence aspect, but you're right, her behaviour was unacceptable.

 

I suppose I commented so strongly because I DO have a rule against physical violence, and I suspect a lot of people do (or should). For me, it's the point at which discussion/apologies become irrelevant, because the relationship is over.

 

I just think this relationship doesn't have a future - her behaviour was unacceptable, and his slapping her was as well. It just sounds horribly toxic and not something they can come back from (and I am puzzled about why either would want to).

[HokeyPokey]

Anybody who says she is overreacting is out of their minds or has never been in an abusive relationship. She didn't "provoke" him. She didn't ask to be hit.

 

Also, he is only telling one half of the story. I am sure it wasn't just as simple as a slight slap. There was probably a very scary escalation to that point which probably included yelling in a very aggressive manner. I was recently abused and only got a small push that didn't hurt, but was definitely enough to end the relationship. People who can't control themselves use force and aggression instead of just walking away.

 

If she accepts your behavior she lets you know that hitting is an okay method of solving problems in the future. She's smart to leave. She is right to feel threatened because you completely violated her. Do you know what it's like to feel unsafe in your own home? To have someone you trusted and thought you knew completely change character? It's terrifying.

 

Get yourself some help and leave her alone. If she wants to get into contact with you she will.

[gsxr104]

I think it's over too. It's really humiliating to be hit, especially by the person who loves her unbelieveably much. Not to mention it's just plain wrong. I have been slapped by a girlfriend once in my lifetime. She totally caught me off guard. I looked her in the eye and walked away. She was in tears and begging for forgiveness three seconds later. In case you guys are wondering why she slapped me, I wouldn't give her the keys to her car when she had too many to drink and I told her she wasn't able to make good decisions at that moment. I left her keys with her best friend and the relationship was nonexistent the very moment I walked away from her. You just don't raise your hand in a malicious way to the people you love.

[DN]

Not all people who are the victims of violence are completely innocent parties to the dispute - as in this case. Most people agree that hitting is wrong including the OP. But two situations are rarely the same and to assume that the person who is hit contributed nothing to the situation or did nothing wrong is not helpful. It is possible to be abused without being hit and the person who ends up being hit is not automatically an innocent victim who is relieved of blame or responsibility.

[CMM]

I read through the post. I realize we have only one side of the story here but to be honest it sounds to me like the abuse is not one sided. And omg's GF does not sound ready for a serious committment.

 

The other point I wanted to make is that not all types of couples violence escalates. There are now two accepted types (IT and SCV). IT involves the use of violence and threats to control the abused partner, SCV is physical abuse in the context of a single argument (used to win an argument) and far less likely to escalate (even in some cases lessens) over time. Of course, OMG does mention that he has some jealousy issues so hard to say but this sounds like SCV to me and I would not necessarily call him an abuser.

 

Anyway, I think both partners need to do some soul searching.

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with this - it sounds as though you have been 'enabling' her problem drinking and lack of responsibility for a long time now. Even if you manage to deal with the violence temporarily it will not be long before it reasserts itself - if not in this relationship, in another one. Given your family history it would be very unlikely that you could maintain functional intimate relationships without some kind of professional help or involvement in a 12-Step programme such as Al-Anon or ACOA.

 

If this incident makes you look at your own history and your own pain, and start to work with it so you can move beyond it - it may well prove to be a blessing in disguise in the long run.

 

Good luck!

[jenna981]

going to counselling works if its to learn how to be a better you.

you have surprized yourself by hitting this lady,imagine how surprized she is.

she's grown up with abuse,she knows it gets worse,she knows not to listen to promises.

get counselling for you not for your relationship.

 

I agree with this.

 

I give some credit to you OP for manning up knowing what you did was wrong. My long ago ex bf hit me a few times, he never did admit he was wrong for doing it and I felt it was my fault for a long time. We lived together and I felt I was always walking on eggshells with what I said or did afraid I would set him off and he would hit me or grab me again. Maybe being afraid you will kill her is an exaggeration, but she might be scared it will get worse.

 

The best thing you can do is go as little contact as possible. As most of us know here, begging doesn't work and just pushes them away.

 

As you mentioned in your first post it seems like she is growing, gaining freedom and independence.. she could also be wanting to explore what else is out there and the slap was just the push it took to break up with you.

[aminbhai]

Your story is somewhat similar to mine, im sorry to say but she does not love you more, ull get used and used again from her side.. because once the bullet comes out from a gun doesnt go back..maybe ur slap was right because she provoked you to the core. I know you are depressed and the time u spend with her cant let u forget her....we cant do anything now, its a bull world and you have to move on, other wise your life will become hell...

[chitown9]

This thread is 5 years old! chi

[yeawutever]

Your story is somewhat similar to mine, im sorry to say but she does not love you more, ull get used and used again from her side.. because once the bullet comes out from a gun doesnt go back..maybe ur slap was right because she provoked you to the core. I know you are depressed and the time u spend with her cant let u forget her....we cant do anything now, its a bull world and you have to move on, other wise your life will become hell...

Excuse me but no one provokes anyone into hitting another person. This is still your own decision you make. I'm sure to hear there are still some guys like that out there that thinks there needs to be a ''male figure'' to slap us because he can't get his points expressed without using physical force to strike us.

 

And yes, as the last poster said this is indeed an old 5 year-old thread that has been digged back by a guy with a distorted mentality.

[agent1607307371]

Old Thread. Closed