I slapped my girlfriend across the face, and now I've lost her.

[yeawutever]

It sounds like there is something more into it that made her break up other than the light slap in the face and for her to be crying over it??? Wow, what a super sensitive person. I knew a girl from my class that would cry because someone accidentally threw a teddy bear on her face. That I have to laught, LOL. I do agree it is exaggerating for her to go state how you might kill her in her sleep.

 

As far as the slapping yes it was still wrong, but so is she getting wasted to the point of not functioning and using your car at whatever time she wants to. But then again, yea no women wants to be hit ever nor slap, even if it's light.

 

Anger management is a suggestion so you find out why you did it and at the same time find more about yourself. But seriously the relationship seems like it never was meant to be.

[omgheat]

"What I find most disturbing is you trying to downplay the situation by saying you didn't even mark her or make her face red."

 

Housekitten - I'm not trying to downplay the situation, any hit no matter how hard it is, and whether its a slap, or a punch is completely wrong. The only reason why I told you about the severity, was because she feels like I'm going to kill her. And It makes me sick that she feels that way. I know that she thinks that if I did it once again. She said "what if we get back together, and everything is fine. and we are together for another 4 years and then it happens again" I know I don't deserve to be forgiven, If I was in her shoes, I wouldn't do the forgiving either. I made a mistake, a HUGE one. And I will regret it for the rest of my life. I am ashamed of myself.

[princess_summer_blue84]

don't beat ur self up... that's silly.. but to be moarining over her.. that is perfectly normal... Have faith... If this girl really loves you then she will come back... but honestly thou.. you should have just walked away and cooled down like u mentioned... never ever hit a girl... that just causes u to loose everything... Keep ur chin up and have faith... hope... and most of all LOVE...

[DN]

I have to ask you once again to consider whether this relationship is one that is right for you. Your background, her background, her repeated drunkenness and promiscuous history, and your violent reaction are a toxic mix. Before you consider getting into any relationship again you should seek therapy - especially this one.

 

I also think she probably needs therapy too but that is another issue altogether.

[omgheat]

I do agree it is exaggerating for her to go state how you might kill her in her sleep.

 

As far as the slapping yes it was still wrong, but so is she getting wasted to the point of not functioning and using your car at whatever time she wants to. But then again, yea no women wants to be hit ever nor slap, even if it's light.

 

Anger management is a suggestion so you find out why you did it and at the same time find more about yourself. But seriously the relationship seems like it never was meant to be.

 

It is her car, but when we moved out of her parents house. We had to register it in my name because she was not licensed. That's why it is in my name, and once she got her license back. I continued to let her be on my insurance cause I knew she would have to pay like 300 dollars a month for insurance. Losing your license for 2 and a half years will make you never want to lose it again. So even if its a little bit of a buzz, she would not drive. I don't know how you can come to the conclusion that we were never meant to be together. Every relationship has its problems, and she is sticking to who she is as a person. When we first started dating "if a guy ever cheats on me, or hits me, i'm done." She was not deserving of being hit. I feel horrible.

[yeawutever]

Not that I concluded it was never meant to be but with all the mixture into the relationship, her drinking and coming drunk, her sex history and plus your background it doesn't add a productive relationship. You slapping just added more negativity into it and thus made it easier for her to break up.

[yeawutever]

I have to ask you once again to consider whether this relationship is one that is right for you. Your background, her background, her repeated drunkenness and promiscuous history, and your violent reaction are a toxic mix. Before you consider getting into any relationship again you should seek therapy - especially this one.

 

I also think she probably needs therapy too but that is another issue altogether.

Totally agree, almost exactly what I just stated....

[f_l]

I did not read thorough the entire posts and as much as I believe you slapping her is wrong, do you think perhaps now that she has more friends to hang around with and she's out there having fun she wants to live the single life and the fact you slapped her gave her the doorway for her to step out of the realtionship with a "real" reason for a breakup?

 

I can see why she would be scared to be in a realtionship, although you are genuinely sorry, what's the gurantee you won't do it again? If she grew up witnessing verbal/physical abuse I can understand why she would leave without a second thought.

 

But, once again I believe there might be more reasons than the slapping that caused her to leave the realtionship. Slapping was the concrete reason but after four years I am sure you both invested a lot in each other, and you were there for her when her friends weren't and now that her social life has changed and she has other people and other things to focus on she may not be interested in staying together.

 

Just my thoughts.

[waveseer]

That is a line I would never tolerate a man crossing. I almost wish certain exes would have crossed it as it would have made leaving them a very simple choice. Maybe your ex feels like me?

[unabashed]

Your girlfriend is a very young woman who has already lost her driver's license due to excessive drinking. The kind of partying she does is definitely not something everyone goes through. If she can't even control her drinking on a night that she knows you're home sick, then she really needs to get some help. Losing her license should have been a wake-up call to get some help, but you have just enabled her by making it financially easy for her to get back onto the road. For some reason, it sounds like you are greatly minimizing the significance of her drinking both for her and for your relationship.

 

I hear that you regret the slap very much, and that you really love her and wish you could make it work. But you are still justifying both your behavior and her's. Maybe your backgrounds make it difficult for you both to see issues in relationships in the proper perspective. I think you have a lot to learn about yourself and relationships, if you would avail yourself of some professional help. I agree with other posters who have suggested that she was looking for a way out. Her behavior suggests that she was already disengaging from the relationship. Yes, the slap was wrong and probably tipped the scales for her. But, it was only one thing in a series of problems for both of you, in my opinion.

[omgheat]

unabashed...she lost her license for speeding way too many times...young driver who thought her tickets would just disappear. not dwi.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I have a rule - one that I cannot break - if someone hits me, that's the end of the relationship. No ifs, ands or buts. It's over, and it's non-negotiable. I have that rule so that no matter how much in love I am, etc, I never get in to an abusive relationship.

 

I suspect a lot of women have a similar 'rule' - I would hope that all women and men do, to be honest.

 

There is no justification for your partner (male or female) ever hitting you. I'm sorry you feel badly, but I think you need to work on your anger issues. I wish I could be comforting, but if it were me, I would not take you back. I am frightened of abusive relationships, and I would not believe that you would change.

 

I think you need to focus on you for now.

[Sarati]

sorry but hands are not for hitting. Hard to feel sorry for you if you lost someone you "love" because you assaulted them.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, I have that rule too. I came from a home where my father drank and he and my mother got into physical fights. I make it very clear up front to any man i date, that if he ever hits me, even a slap, it is over.

 

My father was not a horrible human being, he just had problems. His own father used to beat the kids, so it is something that gets passed down. My father was a tortured man really, and drew the line at hitting the kids, but his fights with my mother still scarred us, and himself. He gave up drinking and the fights stopped, so people can change, but it still has done the damage.

 

But the point is that anyone who comes from a home where there is physical violence is a victim of the violence, whether you were hit or not. You had a role model that taught you to use physical assaults to express feelings and control someone else. And that behavior needs to be unlearned, and a zero tolerance policy for any kind of physical assault.

 

So you are a victim of your parents fights, and i think you should get therapy for yourself and your future girlfriends. Hitting may not always hurt that much physically, but it does hurt emotionally and damages the relationship and destroys trust. And it is well proven that violence does escalate, from pushes, to slaps, to punches etc. So your girlfriend does have reason to make this call and decide not to go further with the relationship. Trust can be a fragile thing, and when personal safety is involved, many women won't tolerate it.

 

So you need to take this as a wake up call that you need therapy to explore your own past and learn positive ways to deal with your anger and frustration rather than using physical methods. Only after you have have had such therapy should you consider entering a relationship again.

 

And I'd totally back off your ex girlfriend, and own up that you were wrong and that no physical control methods are acceptable, and that you are getting therapy FOR YOU so that you learn a different way to be.

 

There is a small chance that she might see over time that you are sincere and respectful of her and don't try to control her or push her back into a relationship where she feels threatened. But you need to back off totally, and not demand a relationship or anything from her that she doesn't want to give. Just let her be.

 

Meanwhile, work on yourself and get treatment for both anger control and the damage done to you by your childhood. You will be much happier/better if you do, and you will never make this mistake again. You may not be able to get this girl back, but you will never lose another woman for this reason if you get therapy and address your past.

[Mimori]

Honestly I think she deserved it. (Everyone can bash me as much as they like). But in this case, she needed the wake up call. It’s irritating how people are taking this as you abused her- when if you look at all the facts lined up next to each other, she has been abusing you this entire time-taking advantage of your kindness. Even when you sick, you drove downtown to pick her up and she KNEW you were outside waiting for her. But she still went and made other arragements to be driven by a friend, instead of you.

 

She expected you on countless occasions to forgive her and accept all her apologies, but you make one mistake and try and let her know that you’re here and this behavior of her needs to stop, you let all that resentment and just “forgiving” had finally followed up with you.

 

It’s not a problem with you, and you DON’T need counseling. You knew it was wrong to raise your hand…but seriously speaking from someone whose been through hell and back, in some occasions it’s required as a wake up call for people who are as stubborn and hardheaded as your ex girlfriend seems to be.

 

She may have finally realized how much she took you for granted. Don’t allow her to use the fact that you made one mistake-that wasn’t even meant in an abusive/rude manner be held against you. If she loved you then she’d be working on her drinking and stop trying to claim you as the “bad guy”.

 

She likes the attention she’s getting. She likes the partying. And her behavior will not change no matter how much you try.

 

And btw, if the car is in your name, it’s your car. You can drive off with it and sell it for the money you rightly deserve and just let her leave. If her name is not on the car, she has no legal right to claim it.

 

But yeah… Don’t try and justify everything as your fault. It’s not. I can completely understand where this is coming from, but you also needs to understand that she’s warped her opinion already and has made up her mind that she’s not going to “easily” go back with you.

 

Why do you want to end up being her slave again? Her behavior hasn’t changed yet, and I don’t see that it will.

 

Stop letting yourself get used. That resentment and anger will only build up…which can lead to a breakdown. Be grateful this is over…that relationship sounded highly unhealthy. Find someone who will respect you and not take advantage of your kindness.

 

And btw. I’m not trying to bash anyone’s stories about how they’ve come from abuse…So have I… But this isn't about me, but the situation he has found himself in.

 

Cheer up. The world isn't over. This is probably for the best for the both of you once you REALLY consider what you you've been through. Don't blind yourself the faults she's done and the hurt she's caused you. Don't let her hold this over your head and label yourself as a man that needs counseling.

 

She's already told you the truth, you don't need it. She knows what she was doing was wrong...

[Sn0man]

I agree with aspects of this post. OP I hardly think this is a healthy relationship for you to be in, and it sounds like she has been taking you for a ride for quite a while.

 

I'm not excusing you for what you did, but I don't think you should be beating yourself up for it either. Everyone has a breaking point, and it looks like she drove you to yours.

[absinthe]

I also have the rule that no matter what kind of abuse, whether physical, verbal or passive-aggressive abuse, I'm out and out in a hurry.

 

Your g/f has major issues. You do too, in that you allowed her to push you and never said no. If she can afford to drink to the point of staggering around, she can afford to hire a cab to bring her home. For that matter, she sounds like she's well on her way to substance abuse.

 

Having said that, nothing excuses domestic violence, regardless of gender.

 

You need to get help with anger and how to manage it. This means that you need to learn to vent your anger sooner and in a more constructive fashion. This includes learning how to assert your personal boundaries and not let someone take advantage of you, from the outset of your relationship.

[Honey Pumpkin]

No. I respectfully disagree that anyone (either gender) deserves to be hit by their partner. Under any circumstances.

 

I think that if the OP was that frustrated, he should have broken up with her; not slapped her accross the face. It's unacceptable.

[omgheat]

thanks mimori... i took what you said to heart, she is young and technically so am i. if were meant to be together...then she needs to grow up first and go through heartache to know what she truly wants. i was the first guy that she was ever in a long term relationship with so she needs that heartache, I've been avoiding that for a while, but I realized it a while ago. If you don't have any experience with relationships, and its your first one, what do you have to learn from?

[DN]

I cannot agree that violence is justified on the basis of being pushed to breaking point. The answer to that is to disengage from the situation before emotions get that high.

 

But I do agree that violence does not make the person who was hit no longer responsible for what they did - the violence does not cancel that out or retrospectively justify it.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I cannot agree that violence is justified on the basis of being pushed to breaking point. The answer to that is to disengage from the situation before emotions get that high.

 

But I do agree that violence does not make the person who was hit no longer responsible for what they did - the violence does not cancel that out or retrospectively justify it.

 

I agree. But I think physical violence means that a relationship is over. As I say, it's a fundamental basic rule for me, that the moment someone hits me, it's over. I honestly hope that everyone (male and female) have the same attitude. If you slap your partner accross the face, no matter what the provocation, it has to be over, I think.

[DN]

Well, there have been relationships that have successfully overcome a slap so I woulod not be quite so extreme as to say that - but certainly if anyone leaves because of it then they have a perfect right to do so and should not be blamed.

 

But the problem in reconciling is not just overcoming the anger that led to the violence but also the behaviour that led up to it.

 

Violence is unacceptable but that does not mean the behaviour was. The OP's girlfriend's behaviour would be sufficient for many people to end the relationship and I believe that should have been his reaction rather than hitting her. Even if she wanted him back he would still have to deal with her behaviour.

[lavenderdove]

Nobody 'deserves' to be hit. If she is behaving really badly, then perhaps she deserves you to walk away and refuse to argue with her when she's drunk, or talk to her later and tell her behavior is unacceptable and you will leave if she does it again.

 

And if she is 'taking him for a ride', then the solution is to get off that ride, not to whale on her.

 

Again, this behavior is not only unacceptable, it is illegal in most states, and if he can be charged with a crime for something, it obviously isn't justified.

 

'She deserved it' is the age old (fallacious) argument for excusing rape or physical violence. It doesn't hold up in court, nor anywhere in civilized society.

 

The ONLY excuse for use of any force is when one feels one's life is threatened and in self defense.

 

So the OP does need to recognize this is something he needs to deal with and not excuse. If she's that bad a girlfriend, then leave her, or work it out with her, but hitting never solves anything. And the clear cause and effect is obvious here... hitting didn't get him anything but dumped.

[cat_lady]

I haven't read the whole thread but I just want to say two things:

 

1 - it sounds like your gf is an alcoholic and has partying issues. If she's asking you to pick her up and then arranging other rides while you are out to pick her up, repetitive times.. she has issues with controlling herself while intoxicated.

 

2 - I feel like some of the posts are unfair to you. Any type of abuse and violance is bad, 100% and I would never encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. However, I do not think that you are an abusive type of person. Men who abuse their wives beat their wives, consistently, don't really apologize for it, and def don't feel bad about it. If you lightly slapped her and then IMMEDIATELY realized that what you did was wrong and stopped.. I chuck that up to anger. Everyone has been very angry at some point in their lives (and I would have been too if I was in your situation) and slapping isn't right but sometimes you just can't help it. I realize this is not an excuse, but there was a time I was so angry at someone I through something at them. This doesn't make me an abusive person. There was a time when I was in highschool when I REALLY upset my mom - so much that she slapped me - TWICE. Had I called the police, they would have charged her with childabuse... give me a break.

 

It wasn't right (even though I did deserve it) and she apologized after. This one act of anger does not make her an abusive parent and is the only time that I can remember her hitting me. So at least from reading your posts, you don't sound like an abusive person to me and if your gf wants to break up with you over this, I think she is overreacting. Also, I grew up with neighboors who abused their wives. ONE slap in an entire relationship is not violance.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Again, no one is saying he is a bad person for slapping her, but he has trouble controlling anger. But he needs to learn that being angry isn't justification for assaulting someone.

 

The reason that therapy was suggested is that he comes from a background where there was violence etc., and anyone who comes from such a background is a victim of violence themselves, and could use therapy to overcome it.

 

People who live in violent/alcoholic homes may repeat the violence themselves, or choose enabling/co-dependent relationships with alcoholics in order to repeat the past trauma. It sounds like he's going down that road with this woman, and needs therapy to not only learn control of his anger, but also to learn perhaps that he doesn't have to repeat the past by staying with a woman who has similar problems.