Enduring Labor = Pride?

[Seraphim]

Studies have shown having an epidural is a double edged sword. For some, it can slow down a labor pattern and cause further intervention. For others, it relaxes them enough to allow for dilation and delivery.

 

For me it was. I had a "walking epidural". Minutes after my son's heart rate dropped dramatically and the thought they were going to have to do a section. He stabalized after a few minutes thankfully. I think it slowed me a bit but the contractions were SO fierce, every 90 seconds or so for 12 hours straight I was ready to bite through steel. Then even after I asked for the epidural I still had to wait another hour and a half to get it. I never got to do the walking part mind you my blood pressure was too low)

[tiredofvampires]

Now, I know she is probably not typical of mothers who have had C-Sections, this is just her. Still, the moment of birth, when I pushed and heard Kevin's first cry, is one of my fondest memories. Iwas the one who pushed and gave him life. I felt him being born, I was numbed by nothing. This is the greatest thrill a woman will ever have!

 

I like that you started your post saying, "I can only go from my own experience."

 

This bolded part though is not your own experience anymore. You are assuming you know the best thing any woman anywhere could feel about anything.

 

I think that's pretty arrogant.

[SamiJayne]

Why should it matter how it comes out? Or how much pain relief you do or do not have? As long as you get a healthy baby, and you love it, and take care of it. Thats all that matters. Thats all that should matter.

 

My mum gave birth to me, yet treated me like crap my whole life. I never felt a bond with my mother. In my opinion love creates a bond.

[hers]

My mom had natural childbirth with me. And well, if you know me at all on this board, then you know how that turned out. I agree fully with hope on this one.

[Seraphim]

My mom had natural childbirth with me. And well, if you know me at all on this board, then you know how that turned out. I agree fully with hope on this one.

 

My mother did too both times.......all I could say was OMG you are stronger woman than me.( I did the second time....but he was a wee 16 week old baby so not that big. Even though it still made my eyes pop out with pain lucky it was only about 5 hours worth)

[Catdancer]

To assume because you had a surgical birth that you will not bond with your baby as well or will be a bad mother is also grossly unfair and incorrect.

 

I totally agree with Hope. My son was in my hands the minute he was born via c-section. He came out, went into his daddy's hands, and immediately into mine. He was still covered in blood and goo and I kissed all over him. He was the most beautiful baby in the world. And to say that we didnt bond because he was a c-section are fighting words to me. I and his daddy are closer than many parents and children that I've seen that have delievere in many various ways. My son is happy, social, loves people, loves animals, sings with me, talks to us (he started saying mama and dada at 5 months, although he has no idea what they mean, all he knows is that we laugh so he laughs), he reaches for us stands on his own and walks with help starting at 5 months. He rarely cries and has the brightest, most charismatic personality.

[Batya33]

Thanks to all for your input and I look forward to reading more! Jigisup's post is why I posted this - because I was watching a learning channel "baby story" show where the expectant mother basically said as much (athough a bit more tactfully perhaps....). I agree with Hope75 that it did not affect my bonding one iota, and it was the most beautiful experience of my life.

 

I did not keep my baby with me 24/7 because he was in the NICU for the first 36 hours (infection), and because one of the nights I decided to get a good night's sleep knowing I would be going home the next day and knowing how I felt post-surgery.

 

I am the primary caregiver for my child now -- 24/7 -- Jigisup I understand that you chose to go back to work afterwards - from what you have written, shortly afterwards.

 

I do not judge that but your comments on bonding and making sacrifices to spend 24/7 with your baby could be equally applicable to someone who would choose to comment on your choice to separate from your baby and work outside the home. I am NOT commenting on your choice in the least - there are advantages and disadvantages to both your approach and mine - no judgments! - just interesting that you would make the comments you did on bonding and sacrifices.

 

I had more personal questions by acquaintances asked about how I conceived(was it natural?) than my birthing choices.

 

THanks again and I look forward to reading more!

[SamiJayne]

I thought bonding began in the womb ? or I've been wasting my time talking to my baby, and poking it...

[Catdancer]

I thought bonding began in the womb ? or I've been wasting my time talking to my baby, and poking it...

 

You are correct it does start in the womb. The other poster was referring to the time after the child is born.

[SamiJayne]

I think going back to work is a personal choice. People may not be able to afford to have one bread winner (not 100% sure thats the right saying but meh)

 

I am lucky as we can afford to have a baby, and for me to stay home. With Sophie however, Iplanned on going back to work soonish after having a baby. I love working, and being with friends at work etc.

 

But now I don't see myself going back to work for a long time. Having lost Sophie, it's made it all too clear how precious it is to have a baby, and I personally wouldn't want to miss one second in my babys life.

[Hope75]

I did not keep my baby with me 24/7 because he was in the NICU for the first 36 hours (infection), and because one of the nights I decided to get a good night's sleep knowing I would be going home the next day and knowing how I felt post-surgery.

 

I was fortunate enough to have my baby with me for the first 4 days and then she spent 5 days in the NICU. That was very hard too.

 

And- there is nothing wrong with sending the baby to the nursery so you can get some rest- it will be the last time in awhile that you will!

[Hope75]

I thought bonding began in the womb ? or I've been wasting my time talking to my baby, and poking it...

 

 

Do you feel like you are wasting your time?

 

I certainly didn't.

[Hope75]

Parenting is such a heated and personal topic, from how you conceive, to your choice of birth, to breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, cry it out/traditional parenting vs. attachment parenting, vaccinating vs. not vaccinating, homeschooling vs. traditional out of home schooling,there will always be someone who thinks they wrote the book on parenting offering you unsolicited advice, there will always be people with the attitude and feeling that their way is the best way or the only way. Unfortunately it is just one of those topics that we as parents hold close and feel strongly about.

[SamiJayne]

Well As long as I'm bonding with it it's not a waste of time.

 

But then... it was my biggest regret after loosing Sophie that I didnt read "Dear Zoo" to her when in my tummy. Or play the poking game that I do with this one.

 

It gives me someone to talk too really! Saves me getting caught talking to myself like I normally do! Now I just say "i'm talking to the baby!"

[Hope75]

Well As long as I'm bonding with it it's not a waste of time.

 

But then... it was my biggest regret after loosing Sophie that I didnt read "Dear Zoo" to her when in my tummy. Or play the poking game that I do with this one.

 

It gives me someone to talk too really! Saves me getting caught talking to myself like I normally do! Now I just say "i'm talking to the baby!"

 

I know I felt closer to my baby when I felt her move within me and I talked to her and read to her and sang to her before she was born. When she was born she knew me already, so I don't see it as a waste, and honestly don't know any moms who think it was, either.

[Batya33]

I think going back to work is a personal choice. People may not be able to afford to have one bread winner (not 100% sure thats the right saying but meh)

 

I am lucky as we can afford to have a baby, and for me to stay home. With Sophie however, Iplanned on going back to work soonish after having a baby. I love working, and being with friends at work etc.

 

But now I don't see myself going back to work for a long time. Having lost Sophie, it's made it all too clear how precious it is to have a baby, and I personally wouldn't want to miss one second in my babys life.

 

I totally agree, just found it interesting that the poster who focused on the importance of natural childbirth in bonding with the baby also is adamant about how important it was to her to work outside the home and how that was good for her child (even though of course that meant she was physically separated from her child for many hours a day). To repeat, I also think it's a personal choice, I was just commenting on the irony.

 

Good luck to you with your baby and I think bonding before birth is awesome and so much fun!

[Merrick]

I have no kids...so i wouldn't know....but my best friend has 2...one with the epidural...one without...she said IF she ever chose to do it again...she'd ask for the epi to be inserted at about month 6! lol. She said the pain was so intense she has an 'out of body experience'!!! NO THANKS!!

 

To me...the more stress and pain you feel the more your baby does!! However...i've also heard the epi can also all but stop labor requiring the c section. I think its something to be proud of no matter how you did it...on drugs...not on drugs...c section...or fell out while trying to poop (my mom's cousin had her girl this way) What's AMAZING...is that we grow little tiny humans inside us!! We ALL do THAT the same...mostly the same...and THAT"S what's to be proud of.

[greywolf]

what i cant understand to some extent is why a human delivering a child has become so damaging and risky compared to other animals.

is it because we arent breeding out correctly?

i have to wonder if the medical complications have something to do with it also. the whole rush rush rush stress stress stress part.

 

I suppose it could be because animals don't have medicine and science. If a mother can't deliver her baby, she or the baby dies, and the animals without complications during delivery live.

[waveseer]

Some women have a more difficult time in childbirth than others. There is no valor nor shame in choosing a method, only consideration for the health of the baby and the mother.

[BellaDonna]

To assume because you had a surgical birth that you will not bond with your baby as well or will be a bad mother is also grossly unfair and incorrect.

 

I have to agree too. I had a c-section- My son was handed to me right away and I kissed him. Then my husband held him right next to me as my anesthesiologist took pics of the 3 of us. There was about 15 minutes in which my husband went into the recovery room with our son, who was swaddled and enjoying cuddling with dad. Then I re-joined them and we immediately began skin-to skin contact for several hours. I felt like we connected right away.

 

If anything, severe acid reflux issues with the baby (6 months of sleepless, screaming, & vomiting hel, watching my child cry in pain) and the postpartum depression that resulted from that stress, kept me from enjoying being a mom as much as I would have liked to. I took excellent care of my son, but every aspect of it felt draining and I did not embrace the change easily. But the c-section birth itself was great, my recovery was smoothe. Luckily the post-partum depression was temporary. If I had experienced a trautmatic birth, my postpartum depression likely would have been worse. But I look back on my birth/hosptial experience with only pleasant memories. It's when I got home that the hard part started. lol

 

Now he's 2 and we are inseperable. I just adore him.

 

I do think that the pressure to be a "strong" woman, have a perfect labor and natural delivery can leave some women feeling depressed in the postpartum period. Many moms who experience post-partum depression have fallen into a trap of trying to be super-woman, enduring "pride" crushing (similar to the title of this thread) because their birth plan did not go according to plan. They are left feeling inadequate, frustrated, even guilty.

 

Again, the birth process is such a small portion of what motherhood entails. The method of birth does not determine what kind of mom or woman you are. It's sad to me that people will let that define them and let so much rest on that one aspect.

[arwen]

... these intrusive questions already start when you're pregnant.

 

'Do you want to know the gender before it's born? No? Why not???'

 

'You're giving birth at home??' (common in Holland but almost alien to my friends abroad)

 

'You want to deliver in a bath? You're crazy.' (yes, but it's technically impossible in our house, it just feels natural to me to 1. SIT and 2. be in warm water).

 

I am already noticing 'competitive' things. I joined a pregnancy forum when we started to TTC (in March this year). I was one of the first to conceive along with 3 others of a group of 15. In this particular group I was lucky that there was little jealousy going on, but now that several of them are in the 7th or 8th 'round', and I am halfway my pregnancy, I notice it's harder to address pregnancy related things with them.

 

Then with all the 'February mommies' (all due in that month) it was: who is feeling movements already, whose belly is popping the soonest, who is gaining how much/little (forgetting that a large number of these ladies was a bit overweight, I was thin and I am gaining quite a lot and I SHOULD be). It's very annoying really.

 

I don't know, I myself prefer giving birth naturally, but obviously I am not looking forward to the pain. I try not to think about it too much. I know a lot of women feel inadequate because they either didn't conceive naturally, or really couldn't give birth naturally.

 

I FAIL to understand why people put these implicit pressures on each other such that these 'guilt' or 'failure' feelings arise. I will do my best to not take pride in places where it's not really appropriate- after all, the new life is 'given' to us. It's not something I put a lot of effort in, that will come when raising and nurturing the child.

[Batya33]

Oh, thanks so much Arwen - I loved your summary and I felt the same about the pregnancy message board I was on - I had to stop "going" there because typically it just made me nervous. I never did the "TTC" boards as far as posting because those made me crazy too and we ended up conceiving naturally (took some time, we were long distance) and I can see where that would have been a very sensitive topic.

 

I also loved the rest of your post and its insights on the whole mindset about this often unpredictable/crazy process!

[Hope75]

Oh, thanks so much Arwen - I loved your summary and I felt the same about the pregnancy message board I was on - I had to stop "going" there because typically it just made me nervous. I never did the "TTC" boards as far as posting because those made me crazy too and we ended up conceiving naturally (took some time, we were long distance) and I can see where that would have been a very sensitive topic.

 

I also loved the rest of your post and its insights on the whole mindset about this often unpredictable/crazy process!

 

Oh gosh yes, and it doesn't stop once the baby is born! I am on a pregnancy forum as well and now it's breast feeders vs. bottle feeders, baby wearers vs. traditional parents, vaccinators vs. non-vaccinators, those practicing Elimination communication vs. diapers. There are a lot of raw feelings and undertones of superiority (we actually had a big discussion about it last week). It's very difficult, because we really enjoy each other and try to help one another but when these hot button topics come up it's a blood bath.

[hers]

What the hell is elimination communication??

 

Ya know, thinking about the "bond" subject that someone brought up, that natural childbirth creates a deeper bond, where do adoptive mothers come in? Do they never feel a deep bond with their child b/c it's not even theirs in a dna sense? I think that's entirely arrogant to make that assumption. A little late since the subject has passed but I was just thinking about it.

[SamiJayne]

Its a good point.

 

 

My mum had a natural labour with me, didn't breastfeed me, stayed at home, didn't work, and I never had a bond with her. Maybe it's just pure love that creates the bond.