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Somehow I have lost the smile I had until a few days ago - now I cry on my way into work, I cry like a baby on my way back from work. And of course at night. It's just over a month since you left. I feel like I am going back to square one although I am keeping NC. It's so hard but then I know that if I contacted you all I would get is "please don't do this to yourself, you are better than this". Anyway, I dont have your number anymore. But if we are supposed to live in the "now", and this is what now is like, then I don't like now....but the past is gone, the future is unknown. I feel trapped.

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I noticed that you looked at my online profile. I noticed it was at 3:30am... Have you returned to drinking since I left you?? Are you sad? Are you alone? I feel so horrible for leaving you. What you don't realise though is that I left because of YOUR behaviour. I left because you emotionally abused me for two years and made me feel like I was nothing. Why do I feel like the big bad wolf, when YOU are the one who pushed me in to this?! If you are at a low ebb or alone it is YOUR fault, I am sick of feeling like * * * * because of you. It even persists when I am away from you. I don't hate you. I want you to be happy. But I can't bear the thought of talking to you either. I am so so so sad SIGH

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You broke my heart and left me and then you stomped on it some more. How could you be such a cruel and heartless person?

What did I do to deserve this? You didn't even want to talk it out and tell me why you were so angry. I guess you were

just looking for an excuse to leave. You're always using excuses for not doing things for me, with me, etc.

 

The least you could do is let me come back to your house and take my stuff so that I can leave your life for good.

All I asked for was some honesty...what was so hard about that?

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Another blasted weekend to get through Seriously, this is what you wanted? I still miss you! Why?! I still want you to take me in your arms, say sorry and that you made a mistake! Do you miss our conversations, making love? Did you really want to lose all that? I'm slowly getting better but I just don't understand at all This is torturous I can imagine you going out with your friends, being silly, putting your arms around them and probably girls too, yet the last two times I saw you after breaking up you wouldn't even touch me at all, you just ran away. I hate the weekend so much!

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how am i so unattractive to you now? you havent ever tried to flirt with me since we broke up, youve never wanted to see me, youve never even drunk texted me in a suggestive wayu like most exes would. you dont even suggest a booty call. not that i want that, but because i cant see how i am so unattracitve to you now, it is as if i repulse you, but actually, I am better looking than you!! Ive not done anythnig ghastly that would make you do such a 180 on me, you were so into me when we were together, what the hell is wrong with you?? are you gay??

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I absolutely love this forum/post. It consistently gives me inspiration and courage.

 

I've no doubt I will be writing several things I would love to say or write to my Ex. This is a process for us all.

 

Dear Ex,

 

Why the hell did you have to relocate from 5 states away, move in with me only to leave within 3 short weeks? Not only that, but to return home be back in just 3 days with your Ex before me, who, as you said, treated you like absolute * * * * and is pregnant with someone else's child? Seriously?

 

You were in my home, in every room of my house, in my car, in my town, at my work, every freaking place. You run back home where I never was and have no reminders at all. I hate that most of all.

 

You completely shut down, would not talk, treated me like I had some horrific disease, yet I tried and failed miserably to end things on a good note. You said, "I'm done, there's no point to be here, but can we still be friends?" Really? What an idiot I was/am.

 

If I had the means, I'd move from here where I would have no reminders of you being in MY life. You invaded MY space, my heart, my mind and my body. Ugh, I am totally disgusted with myself and I hate walking around my house being reminded that you were here.

 

I hope you're happy with your Ex. I hope you grow up and learn to actually FEEL something. I hate that you gave up and just quit when things got tough. What a jerk I was to believe in you.

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Just remembered about this poem I used to like as a teenager - I guess I was an emo-kid before the term was ever used!

 

Love's Philosophy by Percy Bysshe Shelley

(1803-1822)


The fountains mingle with the river,

And the rivers with the ocean;

The winds of heaven mix forever,

With a sweet emotion;

Nothing in the world is single;

All things by a law divine

In one another's being mingle;--

Why not I with thine?

 

See! the mountains kiss high heaven,

And the waves clasp one another;

No sister flower would be forgiven,

If it disdained it's brother;

And the sunlight clasps the earth,

And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--

What are all these kissings worth,

If thou kiss not me?

 

YOU SUCK! Gah! Go away!

 

***

 

ETA: Shelley didn't write the last bit in bold, that was just my modern day addition

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I will always love you and feel deeply sorry for what happened to you as a child. You are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo F'd in the head you don't even know who you are. You don't even know that you're gay.

We could have at the least been best friends. If being gay was gonna make you happy, I would have accepted you as a friend. Or I could have gotten you some help but I would have been there for you. You push away the very few people in the world that actually care. How long will you isolate yourself making poor decisions about your life? You destroy yourself. Are you sure you want to destroy yourself here on earth Don't you want some happiness in this life...

 

Now, you have to understand I had to leave. I am at the age where I need stability and you are an unstable guy.

Also I have my own "inner child" that needs mothering. I can't give 100% and get back 1% I have my own needs in life that have to be met so that I am not destroyed also.

But I love you and I miss you. We can't be together, you always told me that I just wish I had of known the truth like you did. I wish you hadn't of led me on.

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North pickle...your poem reminded me that the words of what I am about to post have been swirling in my head for the last 3 months. It is how I have felt and how many feel I am sure...

 

 

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

 

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

 

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

 

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

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And for some strength...

 

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

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It's my birthday today. And I'm sure you know. But I also expect not to hear from you. Everything you've been doing has been to deliberately hurt me and to help you move on...so not greeting me today will be another deliberate tactic on your part. See. I do know you.

 

After all these years spanning almost a decade, my first birthday without you will surely prove to be a test. I just want to curl in bed and sleep the day away. I still can't believe you did this to me knowing I'd be alone 3000 miles away...You know when you're wonderful you really are. But when you decide to be cruel...there are no words. I just cling on to the thought that what goes around comes around. You will get yours too.

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What you've chosen is wrong. The path you've chosen will lead you straight to hell. You should have gotten counseling and therapy and anger management. You should not of acted like a 2 year old throwing temper tantrums. You threw away a perfectly good marriage with your childish behaviour. You're making poor choices for your life. I supported you and loved you 100% in your lifestyle. But this way of going about it is WRONG. You know God doesn't want you doing what you're doing.

As much as my flesh wants you to rot in hell for hurting ME, more importantly I am sure God doesn't want your soul in hell forever.

You know the truth, you're choosing to live very ungodly. You know God won't bless your life. Your relationships WILL NOT work out, they can't if you're living under a curse

Not only have you chosen death and destruction for your life, you are helping doom my life as well because now you've made me have to file for divorce, you were too violent and I didn't have another option. But you as the man and head of the household, you DO and did have an option.

If you were a good man, if you want to go to heaven, you should change. You could die any given day in an accident, you could fall off a ladder at work, you could get bit next summer in the fields by a snake. Something could fall on your head. Your life will be instantly over. And for what? A few flings, some porn and pink girl underwear?

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I love you bay. I love you forever and always. I know we can't be together. I know we are toxic.

But I will love you forever and always. You are my one and only. I can die at 80 knowing I loved you.

You will prob have been with like 20 other women and married some of em and maybe you will have kids and grandkids. Idk

But what I do know is, I don't need anyone else bay. If I had 4 short loving, passionate and hostile years...I am grateful for them even though you are such a psychological mess

I hope I was able to bring a little sunshine into your world for a little bit.

You know you love me. You know you were supposed to be with me forever. You know we are supposed to grow old together. You know at 80 we were supposed to sit in our rocking chairs on our front porch.

I'll always love you bay. I miss you, and I always will even though we couldn't work out. we will never love anyone else as much as we loved each other. I was never insecure about that. I got mad at you a lot, but I knew you loved me. I know you can't love anyone else as much as me. xoxo

Sweet Pea

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Two months ago, we decided to take a break from talking on the phone.

 

A few weeks ago I told you that the time had come to break off all contact. I told you that it was too soon for us to be friends after all we've shared. I told you that contact had to stop because I still love you, and having idle chatter over email about trivial day to day topics only serves to remind me of all that's been lost and makes it impossible for me to heal. It was the last thing I wanted to do after a decade of loving you. When you replied, it struck me as brief, distant and impersonal. Your response sounded like the words of a therapist rather than the personal response of a woman I had loved and shared my life with for ten years. I was half expecting you to refer me to a grief counselor. It came accross as patronizing and somewhat pitying; implying that you were steadfastly focusing on moving on while I was lost in the wilderness. But in the end, you said you would respect that I needed time to heal.

 

Well, several weeks have passed. As hard as it was for me, I stuck to the new rules I set down and reluctantly tried to clear my life of remaining reminders of you. I did not contact you and tried hard to work through it and accept that it was really, truly over this time. That I would likely never see you again, let alone share the beautiful connection we once had and that I still miss every moment of every day.

 

Then, today you emailed me. Oh, you had a practical reason for contacting me, but you filled out the rest of the email with all sorts of stuff about your life, your new pet, your weekend plans. The very trivialities that I had said were a problem. So much for respecting my need to heal. I begin to wonder if you actually read what I wrote to you when I broke off contact. I don't understand why you would do this. Perhaps you are being intentionally cruel, knowing that this will hurt me on some level. Or maybe you are reaching out to me because you're lonely. I begin to wonder if your new single life isn't panning out quite the way you had planned. Maybe the men aren't lining up as you thought they would to fill the void left by the splintering of our relationship. Maybe you've been on some dates that left you feeling alone and empty and missing the connection we shared. I don't know, and at this point I consider it fortunate that we live far enough apart that I won't run into you around town. If you are lonely or have regrets and miss "us" you could just tell me. In truth, it's all I ever wanted post breakup. Once, just once, I wanted you to call me and tell me that you regretted our choice and that you missed me. As it was, I was always the one who had to bring it up, who expressed regrets, but then I was no stranger to having to do most of the initiating over the course of our relationship.

 

I will always love you. That will never change. But the bottom line is, you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you want to be free and single and find new men to share yourself with then that's your right. But you can't have me there to talk about your pet or your day at work or the new shampoo that you picked up at the salon. It makes me feel like a eunuch, knowing that you've now reserved other sides of yourself for other men but you'll share trivial things with me. I'm sorry, perhaps someday it will be different but for now the wounds are too fresh and too deep for that to be possible.

Edited by TheEndComplete
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You try to keep in contact with me just to hurt me even more. You are even more of a heartless * * * * * * * than I thought possible!

Why can't you see and feel how much I'm hurting already? Just let me be!!! I was fine today and felt like I was making progress

until your stupid self decided to ruin it! Please just stop hurting me already...you left me and broke my heart. Why do you have to

continue the hurt some more? My heart can't take it anymore.

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I deleted his pictures today from my phone. And I felt nothing. I don't know why. I am surprised he hasn't called but at the same time it's pointless if he does.

Maybe it's the way we split up. Maybe it's that it's the 3rd time. Maybe I am more concerned with my other losses. Or the solid knowledge that there's nothing more/differnt I could have done.

A bit sad though when I think of all he did to get me back and how hard we worked together to overcome the past.

But it's like now, I can't see 'him' any more. I don't feel love, it's like I don't know this person.

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Half of me wants to hold you, to lay down with you as we used to do, to talk all night about everything and anything.

 

The other half wants you to dissappear, and never contact me again. I dont want you to be unhappy. I just want you to leave me alone if its not what your heart desires. Just stop stuffing me around, and playing games. The time for that is long gone.

 

We were together almost a decade. I am trying to remain dignified and still have respect for you, but you are making it very hard to do this.

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Another Saturday without you - it was a hard day. Now I want to call you and tell you how it went today. But I have deleted your number (and no I don't know it by heart). The only thing I can do is send you an email but I won't cos you won't reply to it straight away and anyway it would be a very cold reply. I want to talk to you so badly. I just realised I will never be able to call you again...I have to hope you will contact me in future...oh gosh, why is this happening, why did I not prevent this from happening, I could have! I love you so much, I am such a fool :sorrow:

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