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You can tell yourself that you're the strong one and I'm the one who's lost. I know that's how you feel, after all you patronizingly told me that you'd give me space as I "found my way."

 

Truth is, you couldn't handle what I've had to go through, clearing out remnants of our shared life together. What I've had to deal with would've broken you. I'm the one who's had to continue finding pieces of your presence four months after our breakup and four years after you moved out. I'm still trying to get your red hair dye out of the tile grouting in the bathroom, and just the other day I found a packing slip from one of your numerous Torrid orders. It probably took you all of ten minutes four months ago to get rid of all evidence of my presence in your apartment.

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Ughhhhh youve brought me to that place again. Its been a month and a week now. First you ask how I am. I felt strong so i said everything was great. I felt happy that I didnt hate you anymore and that I was great without you. And that was that. a friendly update. But then you text me two days later. And you tell me you miss me. I cried. I cried so much. And now all I can think about is all our good times. I hate that now I'm thinking about us. But I know I dont want you. I know I'm better off without you. I just feel like this whole month of me moving on has been thrown out the window. No..no... i've worked too hard to put back the smile you once took away from me. I can do this.

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I would endure an hour of pain for every second of pain I put you through. I am so sorry for breaking my promises to you for over a year. You did cheat on me, but I made the decision to take you back out of my heart. You treated my perfectly after that, for a whole year. All I had to * * * * ing do was make out with you more, kiss you more, make you feel a little prettier, get off my * * * * ing computer and spend some more QT with you. If you came back I would help your get your license, take you driving every day until you did. I would enroll you in school the second we arrived back at this apt, which would then be OURS again. My life would not come first anymore, our lives would come equally. I wouldn't be over jealous about guys, and I wouldn't want to look through your stuff anymore. You deserve much more than I gave you over the past year, and it * * * * ing KILLS me to know that another guy, probably Mike or Brian, is going to get everything I want so badly from you right now. I miss you so much it's unbelievable. I find myself talking to your ghost out loud. Looking over at the passenger seat in the car where you always used to be. Saying your nickname "oogie" out loud, wishing more than anything in my life I got a response. I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I would give almost anything to take it back and start over, and show you what it's really like to be happy. I know your doing fine, Chris told me you seem totally fine and normal, no tears, no nothing. Just a week after writing me that "150 things I love about you" paper, and that other paper about how strong we are and how much you loved me and knew we would make it through anything.....and now, you are just a memory. What happened baby You said yes when I was on my knee. You seemed excited. You swore on your grandpas life that you were serious as ever and couldn't wait to start our new life as fiance's. What * * * * ing happened This apartment is so empty without you. The king size bed, so empty. I took a very special and precious girl for granted and I don't think I'll ever let myself down for it. I love you so much. goodbye Oogie

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I should've known you wouldn't come. Especially when you told me that us meeting would make you feel romantic again, like when we were together. Blast, boy! You were the one who asked me to come. And you said, you'd make arrangements. Not only do the "arrangements'' never happen, you stood me up. No apologies. No nothing.

 

Although I understand your feelings, I wish you had taken mine into consideration.

 

Whats funnier is that in about 2-4 months, I know you'll call back and ask me to visit you again. Eff that. Not again.

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Meoww.....wow! As awful as this might sound, your 'rant' as you called it, was exceptional. I know I sound horrific for saying this, but I loved every single word you said -- I was cheering you on!!!! Isn't that awful of me? I know you've probably been thru tremendous pain, as have I, and I don't want you feeling as though I'm discounting that because I'm not. But -- your two posts in a weird sort of way lifted my spirits today. I'm grateful to you for putting a smile on my face, and I was actually laughing at one point (I haven't laughed in a while)-- not at you, but in a cheering way FOR you.

 

I'm really glad you recognize wonderful qualities in yourself. Keep those thoughts on what you will and won't put up with for YOU.

 

oh god--you actually read it!! lol

Thank you for being understanding : ) I appreciate it.

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I did! I did!.......I read all these posts here on many different forums! I don't know, but perhaps, I resonated with your two posts and completely understand the 'feeling' while I can't fully appreciate your pain or what you've been thru cause I'm not you -- the feelings can definitely be similar.

 

Keep the strength Meoww! and you're very welcome.

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you are absolutely pathetic

 

this is the reason i cannot be in contact with you, one minute i love you and miss you so much the pain is unbearable, the next i cannot stand the thought of you after the way youve left me for dead these past 6 months.

 

not once have you suggested meeting up. after being in my life constantly for 15 months???? seeing me every day then nothing??

 

you should be begging at my door not sending me a breadcrumb once every few weeks

 

go * * * * yourself

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The upcoming holiday is seriously depressing the crap out of me. Thanksgiving just makes me reflect on us over the years, but I guess most of the holidays tend to have that effect on me. I remember Thanksgiving 09....that was the first Thanksgiving I had you in my life. I just remember being SO happy that year. Nothing- not crazy family chaos or drama- could bring me down. I was falling so head over heels in love with you that I was on a 24/7 high all the time. I remember that week how you told me for the first time how thankful you were that I was in your life. I remember you calling me on Thanksgiving and leaving me the sweetest message with your family in the background saying Happy Thanksgiving. This was before I had ever met them and I just thought it was really sweet. I remember being so happy.....

 

And then last year. The opposite. Although I was the one to end things last year around this time, you certainly pushed me to it. You had checked out a long time before....but I remember being really down on the actual holiday. Just wishing things were different. And then- we spoke. And you told me you loved me no matter what....you had so much love for me still. And I acted cold- I was still hurt by how you treated me the months leading up to everything. But I couldn't deny I loved you too. I remember not wanting to say 'I love you' to you on the phone, and you got really angry and upset and hung up abruptly. And then I sat there and just cried. And I called you back 5 minutes later and all I said was 'I love you. I'm sorry and I love you' and we both just cried. GOD! I hate how these memories are effecting me right now!!!! I still somewhat had you in my life last year. You still loved me. There wasn't THIS between us- NOTHING. That's what's between us now- NOTHING! UGH! I knew you still loved me then. I wish things were different....I so do....

 

And you want to know the worst part? I mean really after all that, everything? After how you treated me this last go around? When I had you back in my life for that SPLIT second all that crossed my mind was 'God I am going to have him back in my life for the holidays! For Thanksgiving and Christmas!' and my heart sang- I was HAPPY again! Happy really? I forgot what happy felt like! But YOU should not be the determining factor over my happiness!! But yet time and time again I let you be! WHY!??!!! UGH! And then you came out of my life again just as fast as you entered it this last go around. I can't help but think about seeing your mom this last time and her asking me if I will come for Thanksgiving. LOL! I saw the look on your face- panic. I saw you freaked at the thought of your mom inviting me and obviously didn't want it, but what I DON'T understand at all is WHY you ever tried to come back into my life! Why you would even bring me around your family again??

 

STOP thinking Robin! Seriously! I hope I can try to enjoy the holiday at face value and not plague myself with memories but it's proving pretty touch. I am almost anxious to see if I will get a Happy Thanksgiving text but I seriously doubt it. :sigh: Just as long as I don't text you, which I know I will not because I am not going to make myself look like any more of an idiot then I already do when it comes to you....

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As nice as it is to hear you say those things, what is the point if you don't want me back?? I know if I asked you to try again with me, you would get angry and say we''ve been through all this. But you love me so much, don't stop thinking of me and noone else compares???

 

Can't you see, the higher you build me up, the further I fall. The further I fall, the more I shatter and the more I shatter, the longer it takes to fix me again. I wish to God we could be 'us' again.

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Wooks, you did this to yourself. Nobody made you suffer, YOU chose and created YOUR FATE!

 

After the sociopath acquires greater self knowledge and self mastery, he may still be unaware that he is different. Instead, he may assume that other humans have just completed their own similar transformation. When the sociopath learns that he is the only one like him... it can be disappointing.It can be exhilarating too, but it will always be lonely. It is a very lonely life.

 

You can go to bars/clubs

You can meet women and think you're on top of the world!

You can even pretend...for a time...to be happy and convince yourself you're normal...

 

BUT YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT! YOU ARE NOT NORMAL! YOU ARE LONELY BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT YOUR SINS UPON YOUR OWN HEAD.

HOW CAN I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, WHEN YOU SABOTAGE YOURSELF?

 

So go ahead, PROVE to yourself you're normal. PROVE to yourself you have it all together...go get your girlfriends, go ruin some new girls life until she too leaves you. You already told me from the beginning we would end, YOU ENDED IT, NOT ME, YOU CHOSE THIS LIFE FOR YOURSELF. YOU ARE a sociopath.

 

The only way you can change, is to go find God...seriously. There is no other hope for you. Man cannot help you. And the devil will just drag you deeper into your own hell. Again I reiterate...go out...go get laid...go find someone you think you love...go re-marry...go fulfill your "dreams" but IN A YEAR you will already be back to yourself...LONELY. In two years you will be....LONELY

in four years you will be LONELY

IN 10 years you will be LONELY

In 20 years you will have gone thru like 10 more relationships YOU WILL BE ALONE not only that your condom will have broken how long can you play with fate...how long can you play with God before He allows justice? YOUR CONDOM WILL BREAK you will have a kid you will have more responsibilities...she too will leave you

Then you will find some other woman, SHE WILL LEAVE YOU TOO

And it may seem OK cuz you're in your 30's but in 20 years you will be in your 50's AND ALONE and that may not seem too bad but you could live til your 90 your gramps has

That is FORTY YEARS of LONELINESS and keep in mind your life seems soooo long now YET YOU AREn'T EVEN 40 so you haven't even lived 40 years YET! Imagine living 40 years of lonliness from 50-90 and by then nobody is gonna want you

you won't be hot anymore

 

you're not your dad, your hair line is already receding, it WILL fall out, it skips a generation

 

You don't work out, you are gonna look gross at 50 dude cuz you will be all skinny and disgusting and saggy

 

How do YOU KNOW you will have kept your job all those years?

and by 50/60 when you retire...who'se gonna want you when you are living on a little bit a month, you think some chic is gonna put up with you breaking her stuff and destroying everything when she's 50/60 and even if you're 50/60 and she is 30 let's say you got lucky

well you can't even hold down a 30 year now that your hot with money! you think you're gonna hold down someone 30 when you're 60 and broke?

Edited by Notagoodninja
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Your an idiot, I wonder how many times I have to be right before you listen to me.

You will never be happy, I DONT want to be with you and I DONT want you to want me, I just want you to listen to me for once but you wont, I know you wont because I know you all too well.

I hope it was all worth it but I've got the feeling that your going to realise youve made a terrible mistake some day and on that day I WONT be there for you.

Ive been so happy without you, you might not like that but its true. I feel like my old self again, the old self that was there before you took over. Ive made new friends, had fun, talked to people who I normally wouldnt and become more confident and outgoing. Im improving MYSELF whilst you latch on to someone else. You'll never get over your flaws or any of the issues that spoilt our relationship while your in one.

Anyway Ive given you my advice multiple times but you were never the listening type were you.

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I hate it when I come to bed and just lay here, unable to sleep. This is when thoughts of you creep in and I start to feel sad.

 

Sometimes it's hard not having you around. I never thought you wouldn't be in my life. We used to laugh and joke about how we were going to grow old and crazy together, like our grandparents. I just always thought we'd be together. Forever. It's not that I haven't accepted that's no longer the case, because I really have, but if I think about everything it still makes me feel so sad. Thankfully I don't think about it so much these days, so that's something to be grateful for.

 

The fact that I'm off down to London on Thursday to use the ATP World Tour Final tickets I bought you for your birthday isn't helping how I feel this week. It's something we were supposed to be doing together. It was your birthday gift and I wonder if you've thought about it this week. I wonder if you'll think of me on Friday, knowing I'll be there and that you should've been too. I still wonder if you ever think of me at all. I don't know why I'm so fixated on that... I just hate feeling like nothing to you. I know it shouldn't matter and even if you did contact me now and tell me you missed me it wouldn't change a thing. If anything it would probably just cause upset and I know you know that. Still, it stings.

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Hey M I'm totally drunk so this is therla real me

 

i love you

pleasecomeback to me

pleae you can be hnest

jonest

honest&&&

tell me

plz be honest

i will behonest

 

M

 

I am gonna forigve yu

I forgive you for cheating

 

we love eachother

 

M if you come back tomorrow...i am there

 

last chance

 

irarely getdrunk

 

i miss you wookers

 

ia your sweet peas i dont want anyoneelse

i promise'

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Wow. You were the one arguing, breaking up, blaming me for everything... and now you're in a much worse place then I am.

 

It must be so sad in your little world, I really hope you grow up hun.

You're not a bad person but you're a complete ass to yourself and others.

 

Wake up or face a break up many more times

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this year has been an adventure i ve been loved, lost, found, betrayed, gained, experinced, partied, drank, kissed and laughed. all of this in a matter of a choice that led to one point of life and events that occurred in my life since the break up. its not him that i wish to fix, it is me....im a mess, i dont know what i want and fear always seem to rule my fate and decision making. i ve tried and lost everything. times are changing and im afraid to keep up and move forward. my heart doesnt know what i desire most anymore, i cant tell what is good and what is bad and most of all i dont even know what makes me happy anymore. everyone seems to have a direction, everyone has someone and what about me? im going around and avoiding my feelings, using lust to hide my true feelings of loneliness and heart break. i dont even know what im doing anymore. yes my life has been busy but am doing the right thing? i want to be own self, i want to be independent and not relay on anybody but im always so envious of everyones life..what do i have? im ridiculous, im trying to be somebody im not, i force myself to be liked so people dont forget about me. iam self conconsious and in my eyes i will always be in the back of the room. i know i can be in the spotlight but is it with good intentions? i dont know anymore...

 

this is all me, ive been messing up not him, he did nothing all ever did was say sorry and tried to help me with closure. i did this to myself i brought this mess upon me and now i dont know how to fix this

 

... i think about you everyday and my only wish right now is to set you free from my heart... my heart is aching and every memory that i remember from you is so fresh and clear, i remember the laughs the kiss the touch..i really loved you... trully in my heart i really thought you would be the one catching me when i fall but all that is just a fantasy ...

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