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I'm exhasuted of constantly being let down. I just need you and your empty promises out of my life. YOu make me cry every time you break them. I actually do not really care about the £4000 you have repeatedly promised to pay back and then forgotten about. It's just money and i have never asked you or pressured you to pay me... It's you that reminds me about it, tells me a lumpsum will be paid and then just don't bother. If this is the price i pay for my freedom from this situation then it's worth it... It's just money.. my happiness is worth so much more than a few grand. I'm not going to say anything further, it will just be empty words to fuel an empty promise.

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A few months ago, on a Saturday evening, we'd be hanging out together. Eating, chatting, having fun in each other's company. And now, I'm in pieces and alone because I haven't spoken to you in three weeks, I miss you so much, this is one of the hardest challenges I have ever been through in my life. Do you even realise how much I care about you? Not that it should alter your decision, but do you even think about me and how much I will be hurting? And I can't tell you or indeed anyone about this because they'll think I'm ridiculous and I should be over it by now. But I'm not. As far as you're concerned, I've kept my self-control but sweetheart, I just want to run back to your arms again and I don't know why

 

I miss you in my life so much, I truly do. It's been nearly 3 months since we split and that is scary to me. What is it about you? What was so special? I don't think you loved me anyway I made you my world for some reason, I broke down all my barriers because I thought you were the one for me. So handsome, calm, peaceful, intelligent. But you were also cold and thoughtless at times. You somehow made me feel inferior. Or maybe that came from myself?

 

I have no idea I wish I had never met you.

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I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I love you, but I don't want you back. I don't want a relationship with you because there were two many lies and hurtful times. Too many tears on my part, and a lack of care, almost bullying on your's.

 

Yet we've been friends far longer than our relationship, and you turned into a nasty, selfish idiot by the end. I don't want that back! You are on my mind nearly all the time though. I suddenly burst into tears today because a little, good memory sprung out of nowhere. I miss your company, just the solidity of you, how I felt your presence and felt protected in some way by it.

 

I hate the way you cheapened me by suddenly keeping your options open ie. meeting with girls behind my back, texting them, giving them attention, no doubt making them feel specially picked out by you as you used to make me feel. Yuck!

 

I hate that you think I am weak and pathetic - do you? I want to jump to months ahead, and maybe we can be friends again. I have had to dig very deep to even consider that. I'd like to be friends, but you'd just see me as an ego-boost, and might reel me back in. I decided to forgive you all the crap you put me through, but it'd be so much easier if you admitted to it and I didn't have to resort to skulking around on the internet piecing it together. I feel like I am a miserable person to be around, all I want to do is stay in, be peaceful and shut the door.

 

Most of all I HATE the way you decided to drift out of our relationship, but didn't tell me. Kept me going, telling me you loved me, sleeping with me and texting/arranging to meet/flirt with other girls who probably had no knowledge of my existence. You may be with one of them now, and still I am totally irrelevant to you. You s***. Why do I even want to be friends with you? I think I want what's lost, and am having a hard time believing that it might NEVER come back.

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ALSO! I hate that the stress you caused me at the end of our time, made me start smoking (which I've not given up), put on weight, cry alot... all 'good reasons' in your mind that we should not be together. Like you WANTED me to have black marks. When in actual fact, you could have just had 1 conversation to end it. Rather than dragging on like that. You ruined my summer!!! You deliberately neglected me. And I was wretched and confused. I knew you were lying, but you almost enjoyed sticking to you made up stories, you wouldn't back down at all. Weird, controlling, unkind behaviour.

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It's been a little over two months now. It doesn't really bother me so much that we broke up. What bothers me are the conflicting thoughts I have of you. Did you really love me or did you just use me? I told myself that I will not think bitterly of any of my ex's because it can lead to self-destructive behavior. Instead, I will think of the good moments we shared, move on and also learn from my mistakes.

 

I'm sure that I will think fondly of you in the future since we shared so many great memories. But right now, the thought that you probably never loved me gets to me sometimes. The fact that you completely turned on me at the end of our relationship is quite unsettling.

 

Anyways, it's been a little more than five weeks since I contacted you and a little more than 7 weeks since I've heard from you. I still don't expect to hear from you. To be honest, I just want to get over you completely. I think I'm almost there too.

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Anna - I wish I could tell you how your three word email to me last night made me feel, but telling me "I love you" doesn't tell me what you want to do! I need to either have you in the relationship or out. Hell, we BOTH need that. We've both apologized for our respective contributions to the fight that led to you telling me you were done with this, and I hope we both learned a bit more about each other in the aftermath.

 

And that's the problem. Telling me that you love me just doesn't cut it. I need to know what you want to do. You know that I want you in my life, and that I'm committed to doing what we need to do to bring you here as my wife, BUT...I also need to start healing from this loss if you are indeed walking away from what we've worked so hard to build. And you need to heal as well, because I DO know how much this is hurting you too.

 

I miss you so damn much...I replay the sound of your laugh, the glint in your eyes, and the warmth of your smile...your accent (which has always turned me on, by the way ), and it just makes the tears start to roll. I would tell you how I'm torn apart and gutted, but I think you already know because you're feeling it yourself.

 

I can wait, and will wait for a time, and in silence. However, I can't and won't wait forever...I want to work through the issues we face together, and as a team - you know I do. I hope when I look at my Inbox in the morning is the message from you that brings us down one road or the other - we can't stay in this painful state of limbo forever.

 

I love you...

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No wayyyyyy. How did it make you feel when he did that?

 

And you're welcome

 

When I saw his name in my inbox? Terrified! I didn't want to read his message. I thought I could sleep it off before actually reading the message. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.

 

Anyway, it seems to have put me back into the roller coaster of emotions and I just want to get off and be myself again. I posted about his message on the Getting Back Together forum since I wasn't sure if I should respond or not.

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I miss you so terribly.

 

Last night when I was out, not one of the men there came anywhere close to how amazing you are. I wish you would come back to me my darlin, you know I will always be your girl. I am so terrified about my life. I love you I love you I love you...

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UGH I haven't written in this thread for a while but I am so agitated right now.

 

I hate your guts--I despise you. I hate how much you humiliated me and made me look weak when I was the strong one always trying to make our relationship work and trying to believe in you when my heart said it probably wouldn't work out. MY god, I hate you.

 

Why is this all coming up now. Almost a month (I think, maybe more) of such progress and now this. You make me want to rip my hair out and denounce my citizenship--I really hate you. You are so pathetic--and I cannot believe that you never acknowledged all the seedy and disgusting things you did. And I can't believe the world is full of people like you.

 

I have my whole ahead of me, all these wonderful opportunities romantic or otherwise--and yet, I think of you and feel SOOOOO angry. I can't even describe how angry I feel about it. I even thought about burning your house down, not with you in it of course. But man, the things that I have gone through my head--shocking. I never knew I could be so violent and evil until I met you.

 

I don't remember what it felt like to love you--at all. But I must have loved you a lot since I have such an aversion to you now. I don't know how to deal. I just hate your guts. You pathetic, sheltered, little brat--you think this is a compliment but you have no idea how you look do you? You think you have a better life than me, but you have no idea what you're missing--in everything--you are sorely underdeveloped in every single WAY and yet I could never convince you of this because you are so--sooooo willfully naive and BORING SO boring, and you think that being ugly means you look smart--just had to get that in--and you think that an appreciation for emotional subtlety and the arts means you're weak---and you think anything not addressed in a weighty tome is unworthy of your attention and you're a slave to authority--not even the good kind--and you're obsequious with only the right people--and you only want to do things that are pre approved---and you have no flare for altruism and you have NO emotions. Seriously how are you alive? I don't think we are even possibly part of the same species. UGH do you want me to dress up like Nancy Reagan and deliver an insincere speech on the rights of minorities to inflict suffering on the communities of the 'underserved'? IS that your idea of power? Maybe I should memorize every detail of the military history of an obscure country to get a fulbright to pretend to study and spread democracy to the world? Then would you love me? What if I wrote some hip hop in my 4th language--one I've recently mastered--and remember to lay it on thick with all the obscure literary references--then I would I be an interesting enough person for you? OR maybe I should jump on the iphone app bandwagon and revolutionize American health care or something? WHATEVER I really don't care--by the way I am SO MUCH better in the hard sciences than you--I can't believe with all the opportunities you had, you failed to get involved in anything interesting. All you care about you is dumb * * * * that politicians do--WHO knew you fake activist types are the worst of all. PEACE I think I have some more interesting ideas of my own.

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hmmm I feel better--I guess I kind of figured out what I don't like about him. I don't like activists--not his kind--people just in for the glory and the rush of the moment. I'm done with that crap. He's such a nothing--he only likes the idea of things and he never really commits to anything. I'm not like that anymore. I don't have to brush aside my politics because I had a bad experience with him. I have learned something--even liberal people can be the most conservative scum balls of all. I mean, I have no problem with power--I have a problem with stupidity and mindless sheep.

 

oh--and for the record--uh, sorry for like, not being trendy enough for you at the time we split. GOD you're a tool. Now I got 'swag.' I be the flyest mutha * * * * a in the room. GIVE ME A BREAK. you are so immature. Why did I ever love you? you know who you are like, you're like that douchebag from Mean Girls--that Mathletes guy who only dates 'women of color' and listens to lame, supposedly progressive but ultimately elitist, cerebral and utterly irrelevant hip hop--segregating himself from society while desperately wanting to be part of it--but only if he's on top--you're so antisocial and pathetic. Don't think your kind can't be reduced to a handful of embarrassing stereotypes. And do you know why--you have no idea how shameful this is? because you live in a bubble surrounded by ugly pathetic nerds just like you and if you actually had to survive in a competitive environment you'd surely shrivel up.

 

So enjoy being that kind of person for the rest of your life--with no true convictions who will only take positions that serve you with immediate benefit. You'll do well in life I'm sure. I can pretend to be like that, but I'm always going to have my hidden agenda--and I will never forget who I am ever again. There is more to integrity than the intangible glory of being just as well as right. I intend to show you up in every possible way. Not only will I do it in high 'intellectual' style--I will find a way to do it with real style too. But why do I get SO up in arms about this--like am I that vain? I'm that hateful? I don't understand why I completely lose my head--it's something I do often by why all the ranting? I don't know I have issues. I don't want to be a bully. And here I am spewing some of the most venomous hatred I have ever read on this site. I've got to tamp down my stupid pride. It makes me do very very stupid things. This is not good.

 

Ok we need to make peace--I need to make peace with you. I know at your core, you'd tolerate my memory at least so I know you're in a way, more forgiving than I am although of course I never cheated on you like 10 times or more, I never, well, I kind of never did that other than kissing your best friend--GOD I did do that didn't I? but that was only after I knew it was definitely over we would never be together. That doesn't even count--it's almost charming compared to what you did. Here I am going off on a tangent again.

 

How will I tolerate your existence in the world? This is my problem. I accept that it's over, and that you didn't love me back, for whatever reason. I accept all that, actually. I accept that my life is going to be very, very different than what I thought it would be. I accept the horrible, horrible pain of losing you even if I honestly don't love you anymore. I just hate being sad over this. It's not my fault, it's not worth it but it still hurts so much--now it's just pain--not connected to romance or loss--but just you know, pain. That's fine. I have to be more honest with myself and allow myself to feel it!!

Edited by meoww
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We used to spend the Sundays together... going out for lunch, coffee.

I am at home alone thinking of you, although the last days were better. It may be that tomorrow a new week begins and I don't have enough strength to deal with everything I have to do...

I know you spend the weekends at home, I know you don't go out at nights, I know you only leave home to go to work. Yes, I did stalk you or make others to do so, I wanted to find out if there was another woman, but there isn't. You wanted to be single again but you never go out with your friends. I may accidentally walk or drive again outside your house, to see whether your car is parked or there's light in your bedroom. I hope you won't see me and never find it out... Are you happier spending your time either at work or at home with your parents and sister?

 

Your facebook update, what was that?

"we act without prior thinking, we hurt others because we don't feel, we are afraid to love and be loved, we leave because of fear, we finally die without having lived

You had never written a thing there before. Is this how you feel?

 

I am thinking about a decision I need to make. You wouldn't be proud of me if we were still together. I am thinking of leaving my postgraduate studies, the ones that I tried a lot to achieve the last years, and you were always there supporting me in every failure and celebrating when I finally made it. When you left me you told me to focus on my studies and my job.

All these happened in the most difficult period, I know it's my fault for not being strong enough, concentrate and get through this, it's my fault that losing you, I also lost my motivation. I lost all my deadlines, maybe there is no way to fix things any more and if there is, I must start working on it immediately and with full power. I know I can't... And I'm upset with myself because you ruined this, too... you ruined another aspect of my life.

 

Have I told you about this new guy I met? He seems really nice and we have been flirting. He asked me out, I avoided him for now, but I may accept to date him next week. He has your name... I couldn't add him in my phonebook... you were the one with that name calling me, so I gave him a nickname. How could I go out for coffee or drink with someone that has your name? I feel I would never be able to adress to him using this name...

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My wonderful life full of all those hopes and dreams is gone....I'm so alone. I'm so confused. There are a few different paths I could choose but all of them are dark and scary. I don't know what to do. How did it end like this...how would God let this happen to me.

 

3 and a half months on and I am still so devastated. I want to move on, and be happy again. I know it won't happen overnight but I want it to get better for me in some way. I am trying so hard. I just wish my little broken heart didn't love you so much still. I keep being hurt over and over again and I can't take it anymore. I want it to end. I can't see any happiness ever again. Why did I have to meet you at all?? It just was not worth all this torture. I wish you could live one day in my shoes and see how it feels to be heartbroken when you're all alone in a place you moved to for the one who broke you.

 

Make it stop.

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Meoww.....wow! As awful as this might sound, your 'rant' as you called it, was exceptional. I know I sound horrific for saying this, but I loved every single word you said -- I was cheering you on!!!! Isn't that awful of me? I know you've probably been thru tremendous pain, as have I, and I don't want you feeling as though I'm discounting that because I'm not. But -- your two posts in a weird sort of way lifted my spirits today. I'm grateful to you for putting a smile on my face, and I was actually laughing at one point (I haven't laughed in a while)-- not at you, but in a cheering way FOR you.

 

I'm really glad you recognize wonderful qualities in yourself. Keep those thoughts on what you will and won't put up with for YOU.

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