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I wonder if you know how much it hurts me for you to block me out after telling me all those things? What do you expect from me...seriously...if you want me to move on, why tell me you love me so much and not expect me to question things?

 

I wish you could be inside my head to know the pain my heart is feeling. I am strong now, but there is only so much I can take. I think we're getting close to me giving up on this....

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I miss you too my love, I wish this experience was painless for both of us but unfortunately it hurts. I haven't changed, I've just become my old self again, the "party" guy who you fell in love with originally. I'll try and make it all easier for you by not letting you know the things that will hurt you. If you took my advice in the first place you'd probably be either with me right now in a new and improved relationship or you'd be happy by yourself, you chose not to listen though.

One thing I cant get my head round is why you would miss the way it used to be when you said that that was the reason you wanted to leave me. I'm not sure what the future holds but I hope one day I will see the light.

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I'm loosing hope. I'm so afraid you miss me but still don't want to try again. But even if you don't, please tell me! You told me you will talk to me to say if you want or not to try again, but it's been two weeks. I need to make peace with myself. I'm waiting until the end of November. Then, I will break NC to tell you you had your chance and I need to move on. If you love me you will talk to me by then.

 

I miss your skin so much.

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I've been so angry with you the last days. I never thought I could be that angry, especially with you... I was calling you "names" (I only told my mother!) but my thoughts were really bad, I just wanted you to disappear. Can't understand how you did this, how could you be that selfish and unfair towards me and show no respect. I didn't deserve that. I was always there for you, like you were always there for me. You decide in a few hours time that you are not the relationship guy and that you want to be alone? You should have prepared me somehow, show a sign. Instead, you made me searching for Christmas holidays destinations... And then you disappeared. You love me, I am perfect, you care about me, you'll always care, you want us to have contact... and you disappear just like that... Like I never existed, like you never existed, like what we had for 4 years never happened.

You said you don't want any woman around for the nexy year. You might be honest at that time, I know you didn't have anyone waiting, I also know that you stay at home at nights where your parents and sibling live, too, so you are not searching for the next one, yet. But I really believe, although you left because of immaturity and fear of commitment that you will get married with the next one, pretty soon, forgetting all that about being with someone at least 5 years before marriage.

Enjoy the happy life you have, staying home with family, never going out with friends, jut going to work... Yes, I've been stalking you and I had other people doing it, too. I need to find the answers you never gave me.

 

I still want you back. But I don't know why. I don't feel I have the same reasons now. I think it is because I am scared about the future. It is easier to get back with you, than heal, move on, start from the beginning and rearrange my life.

 

Will you ever contact me? To see if I am alive or dead? You said you care right? No, you will never contact me...

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What would I say.. Hmmm... and it took me 5 minutes to come up with that.. First, I have no desire to speak to someone who has turned on me so completely.. Someone who can't keep things civil.. someone who yells, screams and then hangs up on me because she is "too busy." What I would like to say is that breakups can be handled in a certain way, and the way you handled it was wrong. That's all I wish to say..

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You know, sometimes the good memories we had would overwhelm me and I would post ridiculous things because of it. In my mind, I knew that things didn't work out but I wished they did. But now I'm glad they didn't. It finally hit me that you are not the type of person I want in my life. To be honest, I really can do a lot better than you. When it came to the things that truly mattered, you didn't really have anything to offer me.

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Emotions emotions emotions

highs and lows

ups and downs

sigh

 

Anyway

 

I hate you tonight...

I hate you for hurting me and my kid

I hate you for lying to me

I hate you for not being willing to change

I hate you for screwing around and being a womanizer

I hate you for breaking my heart

I hope that God gives you cancer and you can suffer by yourself because you pushed everyone away..you never were there for your mom or dad or brother and sister or nephew

You never were there for your step siblings

You never were there for your ex wife and her sick mom!

You never were there for me when I needed you the most

You are only there for your few friends so they can give you drugs!

and so they can go to the movies with you or have a beer when you get bored/lonely

 

I got the call about the insurance claim

So I assume you gave them the number and told them to call me

 

WELL I want you to know, the divorce states you pay the car/and insurance until end of Jan

however you also owe 1,500.00 to me in the divorce decree, and on top of that you took 720.00 from me a few days before our breakup for the tv that i allowed you to keep

so therefore you owe me 2,200.00

i am going to have you pay my car payment and insurance until next summer begins

yes, you heard me right

 

and if you do not, i am taking you to court, and suing you

 

remember how your ex wanted like 3k or whatever, you made her out to be this horrible person and you prob lied

i told you don't give it to her!

but now i know, she prob paid for EVERYTHING

i just do not believe your lies anymore

she prob paid for her OWN car, she prob paid the bills

you prob WASTED away your money on comics and movies and electronics and you left her to pay for it all no wonder you've lost your house, dog. you're a failure you're a liar you're a loser and you don't give credit where credit is due

you take credit for yourself, you never praise or appreciate anyone other than yourself

 

no go, go lie to some other innocent naive girl

but i am free of your lies, i know the truth, and it set me free

and in the meantime, keep making my car payments or i will sue you believe me

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Now I do have something to say.. Such is the roller coaster of emotions..

 

You have displayed a selfish and 'me first' attitude for a well over a month.. You wouldn't allow me to speak my mind. All I wanted to do was have my say, but I was greeted with "I have nothing to say," "I've said everything there is to say" What about me? You've obviously distanced yourself from me emotionally and don't care about my feelings or opinions any more.. That's brutal.. You shut me out so completely that you became someone I didn't even know.. Did you really need to hang up on me? Did I deserve that..? You do not feel my pain.. You cannot see or feel my tears. Do you even care if I'm alive?

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Skies are crying, I am watching

Catching tear drops in my hands

Only silence, as it's ending

Like we never had a chance

 

Do you have to make me feel like

So there's nothing left of me?

 

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

Like a skyscraper

 

As the smoke clears, I awaken

And untangle you from me

Would it make you, feel better

To watch me while I bleed?

 

All my windows still are broken

But I'm standing on my feet

 

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

Like a skyscraper

 

Go run, run, run

I'm gonna stay right here, watch you disappear

 

Go run, run, run

Yeah, it's a long way down

But I am closer to the clouds up here

 

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

 

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

Like a skyscraper

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I hope you're thinking about me right now, and thinking hard about what I can give to you. I hope you don't let me down again. I hope you don't hurt me with your complacency. I hope you prove to me that whether you want to be with me or not, that the man I fell in love with still exists. That I did not just imagine the joy we had for so long, and that I did not just imagine that you really cared.

 

If you think that whatever you have to say to me will hurt me, you are wrong. I am strong now. I am stronger than ever before. You know what hurts the most? Knowing you love me so much but won't be with me. I hope you give me a final answer so I can have some peace on move on with my life. The life that was put on hold for you. Please, have some understanding for me, your love, your **** ***** xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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It's time to say goodbye. I'm done here.

Life goes on. I wish you the best.

I hope you fall in love with a person that you think matches with you.

I hope I will fall in love with a person that does not have the desire to run away from me

but instead can't get enough of me. It took me a whole lotta time to just move on from someone I had such a short relationship with.

I guess the 2 months we spent together had a lot of impact of me. I sure hope next time it won't take this long

Take care of yourself. One day, who knows, we might be friends. But for now I need to find a new love. I need to continue building my life up again.

Thanks, I learned a lot of you. I forgive you for not having figured yourself out.

 

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I thought about you so much and right now I need you more than anything. I refuse to let myself contact you...redirected your phone calls to voice-mail. Blocked you on my facebook and aim list. I really hate you but yet......i miss you so much. You haven't contacted me either so I assume that you're living just fine, which motivates me to better myself and work on myself. I hate that I've given you all of my time and energy to see the results end in the way that it has.

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Dear M,

 

It's thanksgiving day and i am sitting here at home reflecting about my life. Thanksgiving always remind me of you. I remember that was the first time you spent the night in my apartment. I was working and you stayed over to prepare our first thanksgiving meal together. I will never forget that moment. when you opened the door, and i was greeted by the delicious aroma of a home cooked meal and a gorgeous guy with a loving smile. Then we watched the parade at downtown, and went to the woodlands and enjoyed the view of the peaceful lake while sitting at the back of your truck. And at night time, we went to the galleria to watch the lighting of the streets and watched the fireworks. Our life was so simple then, but I felt so happy and so loved. What made it extra special is, i could see in your eyes that you were happy too. From then on, every thanksiving day i take a moment to stop and thank God for blessing my life with a someone like you, and for letting me experience that magical feeling of being in love.

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Some years ago, this very day and this very hour we were on our way to our favorite bed & breakfast to spend Thanksgiving. Just the two of us. That will always be one of my fondest memories from our time together. At that point in time, the issues that drove us apart were there, but it still seemed that we would be together forever. I would never have envisioned then that this is where we would be now.

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Today it was the hardest day of all. I thought it would be a good one, I was doing better this week, keeping busy with work and school. I haven't cried for days and I was angry with you and what you did, I could not find a reason to want you back in my life.

 

But I made a wrong decision, I went on a date. It's been 4.5 years since my last date. Nothing special, a guy I met, we went for a drink. It was a casula catch up talking about our lives, our interestes... No, I wasn't thinking of you these two hours.

 

Then, I went back home. I experienced, and still do, so much pain, like the very first moments of our break up. I remembered our first day, 4.5 years back. You were so different, you wanted to touch me, you wanted to kiss me, you used some violence but you finally did it! This guy did nothing like this, and I didn't want him to do that's for sure. We talked about our hobbies, he reads literature and poetry, you've never read a book in your life, other for school or your job, you never had a hobby either. He said about traveling to other countries, you hadn't travel anywhere till then. You sent me a text after our first date, that you had a great time, I am very pretty and sexy, he didn't even suggest to meet again.

I don't know why I went out with him. I think I did it because I need to start living as a single again, it's hard after so many years. I thought it would help me realize that this is my life now...

It made me miserable. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to meet strangers, have dates and all these. I want you that I know, that I am comfortable with, that I love...

I thought it would be a step even though I am not interested in a relationship. You stay at home with your parents at nights, I date other guys. I am the winner although I was the dumpee. It's not like this.

 

Now I can tell I have tried everything... Going out with friends, work a lot, study a lot, hanging with family and finally meeting new people and dating. Nothing worked...

i can't get over you. I haven't had sex with someone else yet. Should I try this?

 

Why you have never contacted? You said you care about me nd wont us to have contact...

I love you, I only hope you will understand this soon and come back. I will forgive you, I know. I will forgive and forget. Just please, come back! I never cried in front of you, I didn't plead or beg to not break up with me, but I need to write it now. Please, come back! I now know that I can't live without you. I always believed we would be happy together, we were happy together, remember?

 

Please, think about it again...

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It hurts a little bit less. A few days away helped a little bit, mainly from being supervised at all times, not being allowed to look for you in photos, and late night crying sessions. I wasn't strong enough to go it alone. I'm a weak, needy person, i'm selfish, childish, and i'll drift through life not really caring about anything. That's me, i've accepted that. I don't like parties, drinking, having to worry about drunk people, looking after you, but that's fine, because i don't have to be submitted to that now.

I'm moving away next september to university, i'll have to meet new people there and be independent, but it'll be a new start.

 

This is the part that's going to hurt me, i'm tearing up now. I know i keep saying i love you, and i want you in my life forever, and that's true. But i'm selfish, unfair and i'm not enough. You're the best person i've ever met, you're caring, hilarious and i love everything about you i honestly do, thinking about our times together makes me smile so much, but i've done too much,i've hurt everyone. Please be happy in life baby, i know now that i should never be part of your life again, i realise that i can't ever just walk back into your arms. I'm an evil person and you should never go through this ever again, you're too special. Please be happy. I'd stay inside every single day, and every night, so that you never have to see me ever again. I just want you to be so happy and loved and not feel hatred towards me, i won't stalk you or anything like that, ill try anyway, i've promised josh i won't do anything stupid, even though i feel like it right now, i hope you dont find me on here, even though i picked the stupid name i use for everything, i dont know if you even go on this anymore i just remember you said in the car you did.

I miss you. I feel empty, like a ghost. I'm nothing.

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remember when I would wash your hair in the shower every night? remember when washing your hair I would whisper into your ear how beautiful you were and how I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you......well I remember when I stopped doing that ....and I wish more than anything in the world that you would just believe me that I would do that every single night. I would make you feel how you told me that made you feel, every second of every day. I hate that you are just taking the steps needed to get over me because you think we just don't work anymor, and are probably talking to Brian or Mike now, thinking that it was the right decision because they make you happy like I didn't ....but your comparing them to the old me, not the person I am now...and it really kills me that your going to use them to get over me....when I know I could have made you 100zx happier than they ever will. I'm not in any way wishing unhappiness upon you, just hurting knowing I could make you so much happier. I can't stop thinking of amazing things to whisper to you in the shower....things I should have been whispering all along. I really miss you...and I do hope your happy, even a though I honestly think your making the biggest mistake of your life.

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You suck. I hate Thanksgiving. My family sucks and makes me want to jump off a cliff, and it made me really upset over you. It made me obsess over that stupid FB message you sent me last night. Still not replying. If you can't figure out why I deleted you then plain and simple you are just an idiot. Ugh today sucked. Going to eat pie by myself and watch TV bleh...

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If you had put as much effort into trying to live life out here as you did into pushing for a return to your home state, maybe we'd still be together. Instead I'm still here, and you're back there and our life together is an increasingly distant memory. Even when you lived with me, you were never truly here. Your heart and mind was somewhere else, and no matter what I did or how I spoiled you, it made no difference. The moment we moved in together you started pushing me away. It's strange. We've ended up right where we started. It's almost as if the whole relationship never existed.

 

As you lie in the spare bedroom at your parents' house (for I'm certain you went to visit them for Thanksgiving), I hope that you're feeling the same sense of aching loss that I'm feeling right now, remembering that I was right there with you many times. I hope you feel the emptiness in the center of your chest that I feel in mine. I hope you're lying awake thinking about me right now. We could have reached our potential with a little more work, but that time is past and that opportunity is lost.

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Sometimes I feel this, sometimes I feel that. I can't find closure. This morning my alarm went off, and I woke up and you were not my first thought, I did not think of you for a full five minutes, as I thought of other things. I guess that's moving on? Earlier in the week, I felt nearly strong enough to write you a short, so long / no hard feelings email. Yet today, and yesterday I've burst into tears. I miss you - the good you, my friend you. I miss my friend. The one who made me laugh, the one who really listened to every word I said, who responded. But really that friend went away months ago, before we broke up. But I bottled it down, hoping that it would be ok in the end if I didn't make a fuss. And it's really hitting me now. I loved you, you broke my heart. I should never let you back in. You are a selfish person. You care about you, you don't really know how to care for any one else. Defensive, argumentative, sensitive, guilt ridden you. Now I have to sit it out. Wait. And it's s***, because sometimes I'm 'ok' and sometimes I'm not. And all the while, time's ticking and I'm not getting any younger. But my heart is not open to anyone. Yet I want to empty it of all this tortuous pain. To release it, let it go.

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In fact you kept me hidden. You are nothing but a selfish, pathetic, sleaze bag - you did not care about me at all. You let me rot. You let our relationship fall apart. You S***. How dare you? I was NOTHING to you - or you told yourself I was so you could have your cake and eat it. Have cheap thrills and LIE TO ME. You are not MAN enough to admit it even now, when you have nothing to lose!!! You can't ease my pain with an apology - you're a spineless T***. Total A*******. You don't even want to admit this to yourself, always everyone else's fault - never you. NEVER your fault. You are a fool to yourself. You don't know how to love. That gives me no pleasure to say. It's so very very sad. In years to come, you being unfaithful will just be something that happened to me. It'll be the past, I hope.

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