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I've just spent far too long speaking to a male friend on Skype - yep, I know he "likes" me but he knows how heartbroken I am...it was an hour or so of general chit chat. Music, daily routines, opinions. I started out OK but just got more and more downbeat. And daft things he kept bringing up reminded me of you...I tried my hardest not to mention you but even talking about supermarket shopping reminded me of you...how WE used to go shopping and laugh about it, how I'd much rather be talking about things with YOU! When will this end?

 

And then I realised I had to change, I put up with the conversation for far longer than I should have, even though it was pretty mundane, friendly but just chit chat. I was feeling uncomfortable so had to end it politely. I need to be more assertive, I know that and I'm learning. I always put my perception of other people's feelings before my own. This can be a blessing because empathy is an asset. But I need to put myself first now.

 

Still love and miss you. Hope you're learning stuff too. Miss your cheekbones! Take care.

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I understand your difficulty in dealing with the death of your father.. I know that loss, as I have been there.. All I asked was that you gave yourself time to clear your head before making a final decision. You were angry at the world and confused (by your own admission.) You still felt the need to run. You gave me no opportunity to speak, and shut me out.. You treated me with derision and lack of respect.. You didn't understand that nothing was off the table, and that with discussion, we both could have determined whether it was right to continue.. You made a unilateral decision.. A decision that you may come to regret when your head has cleared.. Unfortunately, what once was, cannot be again.. You have undermined my trust and faith. I will not allow myself to miss you or give you control over my mental well being.. I have done that for long enough...

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it's been almost how long?--3 months? it's approaching. I can't believe I made it 3 months, and been through all the ups and downs without you.

 

i can make it without you. i have made it so far and next month will bring even more changes!

 

i'm not bitter anymore. it's still numb, but i respect your decision.

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I miss you. Just another empty weekend in this hell that is 'without you'. Please God let him come back to me. Please let him see the good in me.

 

All those countless times you held me so close seem so far away. When you said you will always be here for me, always love me. The times we had, the places we went. Remember our first holiday. That was the happiest time of my life. I was so * * * * ing happy. It seems like it was all a dream. Did I dream it? I swear. I swear I will love you for all my days with all my heart. I would never betray you or hurt you. I would be so good. Please, it's me..it's your ****. I love you. Please God, please let this be over.

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It's funny how the funniest things trigger our emotions, my daughter just called me from her dad's, as she always does on a Saturday afternoon. And has done every weekend since the break-up! But then I remembered that I used to be with you whenever she called at the weekend, and you would look at me and smile when I said "I love you" down the phone to her. And how I had to cease the "living as friends" arrangement with her dad before I could get into a proper relationship with you. And I don't regret that, I needed to do that anyway. THAT'S how strongly I felt about you, you gave me so much hope that I completely refurbished my life and I realised I could be truly happy.

 

And now on a weekend I'm sat here alone. Alone because I want to be, I'm not looking for pity. I could go out and do all sorts of things.

 

I wish I could look inside your head. What was going on in there?

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At first, I thought I really and truly had nothing to say.. Now, I would like to tell you that you quit, for reasons that you never truly outlined.. You became angry and distant, and wouldn't let me speak.. All I wanted to do was talk, but you denied me that opportunity. You acted like a selfish child.. Everything was about "You, you you." I hope you eventually realize what you've done and feel some bit of remorse, but I won't count on it..

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you're in denial. you think i will come back to you like i did last time. you are completely delusional.

 

as hard as it is to pick up my life and move on without you, i know that every effort i make will bring me to a better place each day.

 

i am not that naive girl you know. i have grown into a woman who knows exactly what i want and will not settle for anything less than what i deserve.

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So your trying to take the moral high ground again then eh? Dont worry, it wont work, all you have done is shown me just how badly your dealing with this. I hope you do see me when were out because you'll see just how happy I am without you. If i were you Id fasten my seatbelt because Christmas will be bumpy ride for you. I wont be giving in to you again thats for sure. Your evil, vindictive and take no responsibility for anything. If you wanted your new relationship to work you would have listened to what I told you but like always you just do what you want.

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I can't do anything right now. I'm scared and depressed and all i want to do is hold you, but I know that you want to move on and it isn't right for me to hold you back. You were and still are the most important part of my life and i don't think that will ever change, but i hope that it will. I love you with all my heart and soul and that's just something that i'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. We'll probably be strangers from here on out. Goodbye Shivani, you're perfect in my eyes and i hope you find happiness where ever you go. Missing you with all my heart. -Austin.

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oh my god, you just drive me crazy.

what more do you want? You've made it clear that you dont want me ever again, you dont even like me, just leave me alone. you think i'm evil and nasty, yeah, maybe because i am, you've made me that way. All i can think of now is reasons why i did the right thing, the times you shouted at me, made me feel awful about myself, stopped me from going out or living my life, btw universities going to cost £50 grand altogther, if you LET ME GO WHEN I WANTED TO, it would have been about £25. I'm going to make this one work way beyond what we could ever have been, what have i got now, oh, yeah, someone NICE. I even bet if i asked he'd want to move out with me, unlike some, who seem to want to live with mummy and daddy forever. You never loved me, why would you hold someone back who you loved? Why would you stop them from living their dreams and living life?

I'm just getting on with things, you made it clear you don't want to talk to me, you want your skanky tache girls and your freak guys,i can tell you now, no one cares about you, no one will ever be as good as me, no one will love you like i love you.Why should you go out every week when i'm sat at home crying over you, YOU shouldn't be happy. You're a horrible person, but i saw past that and saw the tiny bit of nice inside.

Come next september i'll be gone forever, you wont have to see me, i might even die in that time and you wouldn't have to know. I'm still in love with you, but as a person, i can't stand you, i despise everything you are now, you've changed too much. I'm exactly the same, and won't be changing for anyone, one day when you change back, i'll be here for you with open arms. Because i love you.

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I am leaving tonight, the usual business you know? It's the first time since our break up. You want drive me there, wish me to have a nice trip, I won't call you to tell you I have arrived, we won't talk at night that I will be alone at the hotel.

It's so difficult, it's getting worse every single day, even every single hour...

I went out and had launch today with my family. I was feeling so bad the whole time, I just wanted to cry! I should have relaxed with my family. They are great people, you never met them and you never will. I thought you will one day because we were going to spend our lives together.

 

I want to contact you so bad, tell you how much I love you, I miss you. I know it will kill me, I can't even write it here, my heart is beating so fast now, my chest is aching, I feel dizzy and my stomack... how could i ever talk to you being like that?

 

I want you back in my life, it is the only thing I want, after a month I know I want you back.

I am so desperate and needy, I can't stand myself, I hate myself for being like this but it is true.

 

I don't care about my pride or dignity any more. Why will I lose them if I try to achieve something I want?

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Do you ever think about how you told me you love me after we rode Thunder Mountain together at Disney World? That's my most precious memory of us. I still have my pink balloon that you carried around for me folded up neatly in the closet. Remember how the string got caught on someone's stroller during the parade and I had to go MacGyver and rig it back together?

 

I'm sending my memories to you in a box for your birthday, balloon included. If we're not together then I suppose I no longer need them. I can't bear to look at them anyway. No note, no present. Just a box full of the good times that you seem to have forgotten.

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