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Dear ex-

 

I will not send you a get well text or have any sympathy towards you because you feed off of that stuff I know your back hurts but remember you left me and you came after me for breadcrumbs and you came back saying how you had changed and how she is a great person so even if you are drugged up or even if it was accidental why are you calling me in the first place seeking sympathy? Shouldn't you be getting that from the girl you left me for? I am done talking to you and I am done having the pity parties for you I am done,done,done! Please stop contacting me and move on with your life. I am trying to move on with my life so please move on with your life and your wonderful new girlfriend.

Thanks!

Missie

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Tonite is exactly 1 month and 1 week after i moved out of our apt.

 

I still miss you and the little soccer girl a lot !! I am still broke and hurt....I am crying right now writing this!!

 

I am really sorry that I hurt your feelings

 

I know you are not thinking about me ...or even miss me the way I do!!

 

I am really hurt that I saw on your fb..that our relationship for you were a too much drama...and it seems that you are really happy with your freedom and it seems that your little soccer girl doesnt even remember who I am anymore !!

 

I really start to see that our break up was for the best and I am really putting the effort to let you go !!!!

 

I have to let you go ....

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Dear ex,

 

I saw the ex-ex today...yeah...the one you HAAATE. The one you wanted to punch in the face when you saw him. The one that you thought you could be better than, but you failed miserably at.

 

We had a good time today. He's waaaaay better in bed than you are. I'd go into physical characteristics of how he is better in bed, but I think you get the picture.

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Just looked at some photos from New Years Eve of us together. One picture, your body is tilted away from mine, the other you aren't even smiling. You look miserable actually.

 

I hate to think that you were so unhappy with me when I know in my heart that I did everything I could to be the best girlfriend to you. And for some reason tonight, what you said the day we broke up about how you don't want to be 30 and divorced one day, is replaying over and over again in my head.

 

Hurts when you are so sure that you have a real future with someone and then that comes out. Its like a punch to the gut, really. I'll never understand why you strung me along into believing you wanted to move out together and get married when you were doing those things behind my back. And those were just the things I knew about.

 

I feel like I'm not trying hard enough to let go. I reflect a lot, I think about certain moments we had that open my eyes a bit more, but in the end I still miss you. I still have that hope. Ugh.

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I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I still have love for you. But at the same time, I am realizing that I need to move on. We were at the wrong place and at the wrong time. You screwed up as did I. We both didn't set enough expectations for one another.

 

I can't tell you how many times I go through the day thinking of you and things you said or did..or your stupid little FB posts. (God...you practically LIVE in facebook)...and it always makes me hurt. I hurt at the memory of you not being here, and I get angry at you. Angry for lying to me. Angry for deceiving me. And then I get angry at myself. Angry for not being vocal enough. Angry for not being able to properly talk things out with you (even though you are damn-near impossible to talk to) and see if there was some solution.

 

All this anger. I want to lash out at you and just "tell you off"...but I know it won't ever matter to you. You're broken. You have no feelings. It's not an accusation...it's just the truth. And yet for some reason here I am beating myself up everyday for not being able to deal with your problems. What does that say about me? Why should I have cared so much?

 

When you said you loved me, it broke down my defenses. I got too comfortable. I got lazy. I was just so happy to be in love again that I looked past everything else going on in your whirlpool of destruction. You were the sexy "bad" girl that I had wanted for so long..and I did everything I could not to screw it up. As it turned out, my caution was my undoing. You don't like caution. You like danger. You like strife. You like people as damaged as you are. I have my flaws, but there was no reason you needed to know about them. I should have kept my guard up around you at all points because you verbally attacked me and anyone else within hearing distance with your venom.

 

It's funny too...I (at this moment in time) want that. I want to be as careless and reckless as you and have a "f**k the world" mentality. But then I realize how pathetic you are. I realize that because of your messed up past, you wallow in misery and hatred and you try to spread it to all who try to get close to you.

 

So here I am, missing you, wanting you, feeling love for you, remembering all the good times, and at the same time knowing that I need to distance myself once and for all and learn to love myself again.

 

I've done many things wrong in my life, and I did many things wrong with you....but for my own sanity, I cannot let them define me. I am beginning the journey to do what I can to work on myself and learn from the mistakes I made with you.

 

I wonder if you'll think of me in time and remember only the good or only the bad...or perhaps you won't think of me at all. I suppose it shouldn't matter in the end, right?

 

It's been 32 days since we last talked. A part of me wants to break NC...and a part of me doesn't. Needless to say, I've been very confused lately. My family has shown their support, I know I'm loved. My friends care, but I can tell they are tired of hearing my sob story: I need to heed their advice and move the hell on. Stop beating myself up. Walk away and never look back. Learn to live with myself...because at this very moment, there is no way I could sit in a silent room and deal with what goes through my head. Until I can do that, I won't ever talk to you.

 

Good luck with your nursing path. Good luck finding a new job. I shouldn't care, but I still do.

 

Please, leave my brain. Let me let go of you. Don't let me be fueled by hatred and anger like you. Let me be fueled by my own desire to be happy and experience all life has to offer.

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I know we'll never speak again..... However, I do miss you when I travel... I'm in SF for work and I loved talking to you and hearing how much you missed me when I traveled...

 

It's been really hard this week.. I was thinking today, It's like you died and we'll never speak again, which made me sad..

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I read a segment of a poem recently and it really stuck with me.

 

It's the heart, afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance

It's the dream, afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live

 

If I push myself hard enough, I will fly eventually right?

Fear and uneasiness will completely fade soon.

 

Perhaps.

 

A song, actually.

 

[video=youtube_share;oR6okRuOLc8] ]

 

(Always loved it... actually did it as a solo in high school. ) Enjoy!

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11 days of NC, with the exception of replying to getting your belongings back. I hate that you said 'nevermind' and that you'd do it later this week, that means I have to speak (text) to you again. What a childish little game you're playing, but the immaturity is beginning to be more apparent as my attachment to you fades. Its like the clouds from the rain storm that you sent over me are beginning to be burned off by the new sun that's coming through. I'm seeing much more clearly.

 

My thoughts of you on a daily basis are less and less, while my thoughts of me and my happiness are more and more. Soon, you're going to be a distant memory.

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Day 11 NC

 

Eventhough we exchanged a few txts yesterday, they were necessary to arrange the retrieval of my belongings. You were cordial and seemed okay (it was only via txt but still). I kept it short only discuss the logistics. This morning I was in RAGE, and I mean I was imagining taking a baseball bat to your head and to that stupid friend of yours...you know who. I want to bash her head to the cement ground and kick her in the face until she dies. I know this is so ungodly of me, but I can't help feel such rage. I recalled all the times you lied to me and made me feel betrayed, although you never cheated (that I knew of), you broke my trust so much that I want to punch you in the face and knock you out. I have that much animosity towards you! Then why oh why do I miss you? I feel somewhat crazy or bipolar. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm teary eyed or my face is bright red with anger.

I wish I could take a pill and be normal and happy cheery again. Screw you! You 40 year old, grumpy, incompetent, cynical, critical, ungrateful, p.o.s. I hope you'll realize just how good I was to you, and how you messed up bad.

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I went to a new area today. I was looking at the restaurants and the cinema and I painted this picture where we went to the cinema, then for a meal and then to the pub to talk about our things, about creativity and life. I thought how you held my hand and I wished we were back in time. I then wondered if you miss that stuff too, if it was really that bad for you.. I could do nothing else but keep going and slowly the dream faded. I feel rejected..but truth is I could have stayed there I guess. It's good you're not contacting me.

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So I am... weak. The urge to contact you was so so strong and.. you contacted me so I replied. This really sucks because it gives you the message that I do not take my own boundaries serious enough. And break them the first time I'm tempted. I... couldn't resist! I hope there will come a time for understanding. A time where we will not talk out of emotions but out of love and understanding.

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It's only Day 1 of NC and I'm still waiting for that closure e-mail that I know you will send within a few days or a week since this has been done once before. I hope I don't respond and you wonder if I have moved on. I dreamed of you last night, nothing exciting. This time around on our second breakup, it's a lot easier and this time I want to move on. You never loved me anyway so I was only kidding myself, imagining a future that never existed. We never even talked about a future, how is that possible we dated over a year! Oh yea, that's because you never got over your ex-fiancee. You're probably going to drink it up as usually do, party it up maybe even have a one night stand, the thought of that even kills me, but Id rather not know anything you're up to. You're probably wondering why Im not on your Facebook, you'll figure out I only deactivated and not deleted it. I know the weekends are easiest for you and they will be the hardest for me. You've always been so social with many friends and keep yourself distracted with your motorcycle, while I'm here on ENA and other forums doing absolutely nothing, ugh.

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Bleh I'm feeling really pissy like I'm going through some kind of drug withdrawal.

Wish this week would just end already. Fast forward to Friday and the weekend. I don't even care or want you back but I keep checking that dang phone 24/7. Perhaps I should just leave it at home or put it away. When will this get better? The other breakups were not this painful...except the one from 2007 that was a trip down depression and panic attack lane. This time around I'm just very angry, so very very upset that I wasted so much time, effort, money, and hopes on you. YOU who could not follow-through on your promises. How can a 40yo man be so immature and not have his life together? How do you spend $30k of your savings within a year and blame it on ME? I suppose it wasn't because you did NOT know how to save, and you spent frivalously on rounds of drinks for your friends or sending your sister money every month. How DARE you accuse me of taking advantage of you? WHAT DID YOU EVEN HAVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF? Please, get outta here. Not one mention of ALL the stuff I did for YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! Without me you'd have receding gums and probably have all your teeth fall out. GAH I don't know what's gotten into me but I am just so hateful today. I shudder looking over the posts I've wrote because they're quite vengeful. I should have NEVER dated you in the first place. What a waste of opportunity that I could have spent dating other men, men of quality and accomplishment...not insecurity and criticism. Oh and I still remember that time you pushed me away from the fridge and threw money in my face. Who the heck do you think you are? Yeah so I ripped up your cash, don't you ever disgrace me by flaunting your cash like you're so much better. I don't care if you make more, please, you ain't nothing but a faker.

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I barely thought of you today. I was busy preparing for a presentation and giving it, and I did well. I look back on this past month and I see how far I have come....without you. Contrary to what I thought before, I am capable of doing this on my own, I don't need you for anything. You only caused unnecessary stress on me. Sure I miss having someone to be proud of me but you know what? I'm proud of me. I know you're happier now and I love you enough to be content with that. Just wish I could have been a part of it but I'm sure in the end I'll see its for the best.

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I miss you so much but I know I shouldnt. You were so disrespectful and hurtful. I have never been treated so badly in my life. You were mean and cruel. Yet the other side to you was amazing. What happened? Why us? I loved you with everything I had. Was so loyal to you and would never have hurt you, yet you hurt me over and over with your words. I think of you every day, every morning when I wake and every night when I sleep. You are in my dreams and they feel so real. I know you had issues and Im so sad we ended up this way. Our memories of our good times will remain with me forever bebe. Zante was perfect. I wish we were perfect. I wish our dreams and plans could have come true. Some things just arent meant to be.

 

Please stop with the mind games now. Just leave me to move on.

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what did i do to deserve this? i was nothing but loving and caring to you. you want a break because its convenient to you? what about my feeelings? I wish you would have just told me about the doubts you were having and we could have worked on the problems together.

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I don't have much to say, your doing your thing and so am I. Now I'm realize what huge amount of stress you placed in my life all of those years. Hate to say it but I feel great, met someone who appreciates me and admires my research. In the end, you know what you're doing I wish you nothing but the best.

 

Ps- don't drive the new guy into your emotional hell whole because it's f-ing hard to escape!

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I'm an idiot. Took me a full YEAR to get over the guy that dumped me (and led me to this site). A year. A year of crying everyday. And what do I do, when I'm healed? Start f.....g you, knowing it can go nowhere, quite sure I wouldn't fall for you. And look. I did. So here I am again. You're trying to talk to me like we are only friends and nothing happened between us. You did this after each time we were 'together'.

 

I just feel so humiliated and stupid. And an idiot for still wanting you. I just want all my feelings for you to go away. It's so hard going from daily contact and all day at work, to a few chats here and there about absolutely nothing, and no contact outside of work, just all of a sudden. Daylight/dark. Really? What is your problem??

 

I'm an idiot for even caring about you. I hope I can move past you, fast.

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