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I'm glad we broke NC. Really Thank you for that wonderfull conversation. It was so much better than I ever expected. We were sincerely civil. Just after a couple of days. Wow. And I'm so glad you were open for my point of view. For the fact that this had a big impact on me. You forgot that conversation. I'm glad I could remind you of what you had done. I"m even more glad that you were actually open for that feedback and understanding of the decisions I've made. All the things that were bottled up the last days... they are in the open. We spoke about it. I'm free


To hear you say you were doing fine without me was actually good to hear. It's what I wish for you. Since this conversation I'm so relaxed. I'm finally relaxed again. No more urge to talk to you. I hope this lasts. Maybe this has been a shot and a few days later I will tremble like an addicted again? Maybe we have reached closure within a few days? It's all gone so fast!


I know for sure we should not have a relationship right now. I don't even want to. You have got so much stuff to work on with therapy. I do too but . you .. you have a long way to go. I hope you will not dive into a new relationship to avoid the confrontation with your own mental issues. But that's up to you. For now I'm glad we both have got little expectations from each other. Is this for real? It's exactly what I hoped for! This seems so unreal. It's .... Too good to be true

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Today I really feel that I'm letting you go. You're not coming back. Up until this point, I still foolishly held out some hope. I'll admit it. But as this month comes to an end I can just feel it within me that it's really over for good, I'll never hear from you, you have forgotten me. The relationship I once held so dear to my heart is no more and never will be again.


It doesn't hurt as much until I break it down like that.


I've been thinking about you to keep a "connection" going. It's useless.



I love you. I miss you.

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I sat here for a while last night with this page open, but I couldn't really get my thoughts together to write anything. I know what I want to say today though. Again, I'm writing mainly to myself rather than you.


And write I must, for today marks the six month milestone, half a year since you ended our relationship. 6 months since we were "a couple", 6 months since that Bank Holiday weekend, the last weekend we spent together which ended in a silly argument and a few days later you sent me the email that confirmed my fears. I now find it quite amusing that you email dumped me.


I went through it all these past 6 months...


I couldn't eat properly for a while, I had to cram dry bread down my throat as the thought of anything else made me want to be sick.


I went through a long period of messed-up sleeping patterns, insomnia, funky dreams.


I drank far too much alcohol but I couldn't really get drunk, it numbed me and I thought it helped pass the long lonely nights away.


I was probably depressed for some time, my anxiety rocketed, I could think of nothing else but you, us, what had happened, what I did wrong, what I could do to change things...constant intrusive thoughts for a few months.


And I never told you any of this.


But I've come a long long way...and I'm so proud of where I am today and I virtually did it on my own. What do I think of you now? Not sure...you are definitely off that daft pedestal I put you on! I don't think ill of you, I suppose I'll always love you in some way, but it's weird. I know you didn't truly love me. So in a way my love for you wasn't as it should have been, it was non-reciprocal.


I'm with someone new and I'm happy and excited! We have made it our mission to go out, have fun and paint the whole world red! And the important thing was that I was happy before I met him.


We haven't been in contact for 3 months or so now. I've been doing well avoiding news about you too, not heard anything for nearly 2 months or so I think. That is definitely the easiest way, although I think I would be more or less indifferent if I was to hear anything. When I went out with my new man last weekend, we went to a pub that we would go to a lot, one of our regular places. I'll admit my heart skipped a beat when I saw a table full of some of our mutual friends...I was a bit worried that you might be there or show up later. But you didn't, no-one mentioned you, and our friends were very lovely with my new boyfriend!


Truly moving on is a wonderful feeling, our relationship is now just a distant memory that doesn't really enter my head now. And all those wonderful memories? I realise that most of them were a bit of a sham I'm afraid. I KNEW you didn't really love me. Damn!


When I look at a photo of us both today, what do I feel? When I look at your face, I just see the person who wanted to meet up with me after we broke up and ran away. Twice. Twice!! The person who ran away and cut me off. Not the nation's greatest boyfriend but a man who struggles with face-to-face communication.


Anyway, that's all I wanted to say I think. I do actually hope your relationship (that is if you're still in one!) is working out for you and that she makes you happy, and that you didn't rush into anything. I hope she loves you like I did. You do deserve happiness and so do I. Just a shame that we couldn't find that happiness together, we weren't such a bad pair! Maybe one day you'll say "hello" to me again. But I am not waiting for that day.

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I love you but I hate you.


I love you for making me feel so special, loved and wanted. I hate you for making me so hurt, sad and broken.

I love our good memories, our moments, our pet names, the way we held hands, our nose thing, your bluest morning eyes, the little notes and our dreams. I hate you for breaking every promise you ever made, the name calling, the accusations, the lack of respect and the mind games.

I love how thoughtful you were. I hate how you laughed at me if I was upset.

I love your hobbies, your job, your family and how good you were with my son. I hate how you never cared about my hobbys, put me down and bad mouthed my son to me.

I love how you wanted me to be your wife and the mother of your child so badly. I hate how you called me a terrible mother and how you were ashamed to be with me.

I love how you called me beautiful and your soul mate. I hate how you called me old, gross and a joke.


I love you but I hate you. And despite all that I miss you. Why!!!!!!!!!

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You sent me a closure letter yesterday, it was nothing new and hadn't heard before. It was depressing to read when I realized for the millionth time you admitted to not having those love feelings and didn't see yourself with me in the future. I appreciate your honesty and I felt strung along. Why we waited this long to break-up when you just wanted to have fun and keep things light and had no intention of building anything with me. Ive never felt so used. I know you had feelings for me, but they didn't go deep. No one will ever replace your ex, you still can't get over her and you set yourself back. I didn't bother to reply to your closure email yesterday because there was nothing else to be said. I could have got defensive on certain parts of it but I didnt want to set myself back by contacting you. It's only day 2 of NC. Then you emailed me again 6 hours later saying you noticed we were no longer friends on Facebook. I didn't delete you, my facebook is temporarily deactivated. Im scared of the day I log back in to see your status says single or even in a new relationship. Why am I so pathetic? You never loved me, so why am I even wondering what you're feeling right now. I have a feeling the way only I will get over you is if I meet someone else. But they won't be you. You could have been everything and you were, but your past relationship held you back or maybe I just wasnt the right person for you. I know this relationship wasn't right for me, I alway felt 2nd best, and I know that was never your intention, but I don't know what to do with myself. I hung out with a friend last night, got way too drunk, ended up calling out sick for work today. I'm really dreading the weekend coming around as we used to hang out every weekend, now I will feel more lonely and pathetic. Friends can only help so much but you always stay in my mind.

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Why? Why can't you just leave me alone? You don't want this relationship, so I don't understand. You've lured me over the last few days with your niceness, via texts. You're thankful and appreciative and want to help when you can and hope we can be friends and brought a computer to my son. Ok, I get it.


F***, you finally sucked me in. I give you one little piece of me again, one little....ok...I love you and I'm letting you go so you can be happy....and you turn it around on me? I'm the reason things aren't working?? Are you f***ing kidding me??


All of your niceness for this?? To get the last word????


You are a frickin egotistical, psycho-crazy, immature, illogical, dillusional f***ing lunatic!! Your selfish games are now infuriating me!! I've never met anyone as self-centered as you are! You're nothing but manipulation, cause the Good Lord knows it wasn't your good looks that landed me. Such a pathetic little game you play!!




Day one...no contact....F*** YOU A**HOLE!!

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I am in Pittsburgh visiting some friends today and my sister told me to ring up my ex since he used to frequent Pittsburgh alot and I told my sister the same thing I am going to say right now.....


I am trying to move forward and not backwards and as much as I would love to ring up my ex and tell him about my adventures in Pittsburgh I simply cannot and will not. Believe me it is a hard thing to do when I am itching to do so but as I said I need to move forwards and never backwards and I am staying hardcore NC and trust me it is a very,very tough thing to do but it is for the best. I do think about you Mr. Ex but I need to move on and calling you is simply not an option.

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After months and months of agony,....

I. am. finally. free!



Thank you everyone who gave me support and advice. I am so done with this man. And am over it all!! Thank you so much for your words, I can't stress that enough!!

I am finally free!!

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About to go to sleep. So I came up with the following joke today while thinking about you:


If my ex was an animal she would be a cheetah.


Once again my dear ex, wish you nothing but the best.


Also, f.u.c.k y.o.u. Don't feel bad, I say jokingly. At this point you deserve no respect from me.



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How could you give up on us? i needed you to stand by me through the tough times. I am crushed.... even more so at the fact that you let your parents decide it was best for us to get divorced. Why couldn't you just be man enough to fight for this relationship? why?

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About to go to sleep. So I came up with the following joke today while thinking about you:


If my ex was an animal she would be a cheetah.


Once again my dear ex, wish you nothing but the best.


Also, f.u.c.k y.o.u. Don't feel bad, I say jokingly. At this point you deserve no respect from me.




Now now, no swearing allowed, it's * * * * (the perfume!) lol. hehe

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I don't know what to do with you. I wanted to stay NC for a few weeks to get my head a bit more clear and detach from you. Last night we texted forth and back about.. well how it's not sensible for us to have contact now. Why do we both seem to make it so much more complicated than it has to be. Should I just cut the cord and say : hey leave me alone for some weeks.. ? It's not easy for me neither to stay NC and I let you know about that. Now you know all it takes is 1 simple text message and I'm hooked.


We're supposed to be grown ups right?


I don't know what to do with you!

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Your narcissism makes me feel nothing for you, except hate. It makes things so much easier now that I know who you really are. I don't feel sorry for you anymore, just disgust. My eyes are wide open now. Oh, and I will be telling the real break up story to mutual friends now when they ask, because you won't make this my fault. I'll very politely make you look like the ass that you are, since you think you have everyone fooled.

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I'm sad today. Why were you so dang nice in the post break-up? I cried when I saw the tickets and massage certificates you left in my car. You returned the rest of my belongings and put it in my car because I did not want my family to see a pile of stuff in our patio. It was good that we didn't see each other. I also read a lot about Virgo men and how they're crazy/controlling/critical. I don't think you were crazy or controlling, but definitely critical and commitment phobic. I'm beginning to forget exactly why we broke up exactly. I think it had to do with you always criticizing me, and saying I demanded too much and took advantage of you. I really introspected within myself and I disagree. I want a commitment, after almost two years, I think it's reasonable. Plus, all the promises that were not kept. Never had I been with anyone that drove me to such insanity. You somehow twisted all the situations to my fault. You know, like the times when your "friend" cursed me out and somehow it's my fault for not wanting to be around that bi t c H! Good thing I wrote it all down. I'm very emotional today with a heavy heart. I miss you a lot.

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Every single night since the BU I've dreamed about you, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!! I cannot have a break. This morning I woke up at 4:44 a.m. confused and then in tears when I realized it was JUST A DREAM. In the dream you took my hands and we were dancing like old times. In all the dreams we're together. I'm at work now and I keep on crying. Good thing I can close the office door otherwise it'll be so embarrassing. Anyways I did our birth chart just to see and they all say the same negative things...violence, unfaithfulness, lies.


Maybe it's better that we ended before it spiraled to that. We already had the violence and lies, no need for unfaithfulness as well.


God - Help me I am struggling so much today.

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Having a bad moment. I miss you Having anxious thoughts about you with other girls, its killing me. Wondering how when were together you couldnt bear to be away from me for more than a day....now you dont want me at all. I dont understand. Do you think of me? Do you miss me? Do you regret how you treated me? Do you wish you could change and make everything right? Why did you have to mess my head up so much I loved you and would have made you so happy,, you said I was everything you ever wanted, how you wanted me to be the mother of your child, your wife and to spend the rest of your life with, so why mess it up and throw me away like I am nothing. I know you have problems and issues that you need to sort out, but that didnt mean you had to be so disrespectful to someone who gave you the world.


I dont think you realise how much this break up has affected me. I just wanted to be happy with YOU.

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Pretty * * * * ing tempted. Not to contact you exactly, but to go snoop around the forum we were both on and see what you're up to. I even tried to tell myself I just wanted to see what my friends are talking about because I'm kind of lonely now without them, but that's a lie - I'd be trying to stumble accross something you wrote, and I know it'd make me feel bad.


Nothing good ever comes of spying on people. If I tried to look at what you're up to, it'd just make me feel like * * * * .

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Day 3 of NC, surprisingly I am feeling okay this morning, probably because I am back at work. Yesterday I felt depressed all day, called out sick from work, even went to a work social event at night and was the most depressing girl there. People kept asking me if something was wrong, I ended up leaving after an hour because I couldn't fake a smile. I even checked my phone to see if you had e-mailed me. Went home, popped a Nyquil and went to bed. This forum has helped me a lot reading other people's stories, but I'm glad to know I feel alright, even if it's just for a few hours. Tonight may be a different story. I dread the weekend the most because i know that's when you like to go out and socialize, while i'll probably be at home feeling sorry for myself, ugh.

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