Theankh

God I miss you. But I feel like if we start talking again, you're going to hang everything on me, like me disappearing wasn't prompted by you treating me like a complete stranger. Shutting me out. That's not fair.

I have got to stop trawling our mutual forum as a guest just to catch a glimpse of you posting. Seeing you post that you told someone you miss them hurts. And knowing you posted about having felt better the previous day doesn't make up for it. I still miss you though. Even if you don't give a damn about me. I'm glad I deleted your number so I can't make a fool of myself begging for you to just talk to me.

I'm not sure which day I'm on. I think it's now 6 or 7. I miss him so much. I broke a little and lurked around the forum we both used, to see what he'd posted. I can't lie, I saw that he'd updated that he'd felt worse, but had also felt better. It doesn't make me happy to think he's sad, but it does make me feel a little better knowing that he's not completely over me already. I don't want to be the only idiot that feels sad about this. I'm trying to focus on fixing my relationship, but all I can think about is him. How much I want to see where things would have gone with us. It would have meant potentially uprooting my entire life to move and be with him, several thousand miles away. I've never ever considered that for a man before. I once decided Ireland was too far, let alone the states. But for him, I seriously thought about it. I'm constantly picturing what it'd be like if we met, if I went to him, if he came here. I can't get him out of my head, even though we haven't been in touch for a week now

Pretty * * * * ing tempted. Not to contact you exactly, but to go snoop around the forum we were both on and see what you're up to. I even tried to tell myself I just wanted to see what my friends are talking about because I'm kind of lonely now without them, but that's a lie - I'd be trying to stumble accross something you wrote, and I know it'd make me feel bad. Nothing good ever comes of spying on people. If I tried to look at what you're up to, it'd just make me feel like * * * * .

Day 3 This does suck. I keep having moments of doubt, thinking that if I ever wanted a reconciliation in the future, maybe this is really hurting my chances. But I keep reminding myself, I can't sort my life out if all I'm doing is constantly worrying over and hanging onto a guy I've never even met. And there are plenty of fish in the sea. He's not the only guy out there and frankly, he's got his own issues that should be huge red flags anyway to someone considering a long-term relationship. So even if I do end up single and he still rejects me after that - I'll find someone else. I always do.

Challenge Accepted - I'm on Day 2 of not contacting the man I had an emotional affair with. It hurts still, because although it was wrong of me to be involved with him, he made me feel very happy. I used to spend my whole day with a huge grin on my face because of him. But then he ended it because he didn't think he'd ever be my first choice, which was an understandable thing to do, and then started treating me like I'd done something wrong. I'd been understanding about him ending it, and tried to remain friends afterwards which he said he wanted too, but then he started pushing me away and doing little malicious things, nothing I could call him on. I decided that trying to stay in touch and getting treated that way was hurting far more than not being in touch at all, so I've deleted his number and the apps we were using to chat via, and blocked the two websites we were talking on. It's shown me that I need to look at the problems in my relationship, rather than running to someone else to make me temporarily happy. So that's what I'm doing. And in a way I'm glad he's made it easier for me to cut contact by being such a * * * * about it, despite it being his choice - if he'd stuck around, I would have kept using it as an excuse to not look at my real problems. I still have strong feelings for him. I was contemplating leaving my boyfriend for him, though I never expressed that to him because I didn't want to end up letting him down. It's hard to go from talking to him constantly, to not at all.

The message you sent me today really just helped cement my decision not to get in touch. And I can't lie. I get some satisfaction from knowing that I could read it on my email but to you it'll look like I haven't received it, because I'm never logging back on to that forum unless I end up single. You basically ignored the fact that I apologised and told me I hurt you by being impersonal. Never mind that the whole reason I was impersonal was because since you ended things you've shut me out and talked to me with polite indifference. Never mind that it was in response to you sending me a mass message to inform me I was no longer your valentine, instead of something personal. Never mind that YOU are the one who didn't even respond to two of my texts about how upset I was until I sent one apologising for being emotional - at which point you told me it was good to express myself. I'm glad I'm not ending my relationship for you. It might end anyway for other reasons, but I'm starting to see how little you know me, and how dramatic and painful it would have been to try and have you in my life.

This might be a little unconventional but... this is to the man I had a long-distance emotional affair with for two months. I'm not over you. I guess I won't be for a while, but I don't feel like crying about it anymore, I just get a pain in my chest when I think about how happy you (briefly) made me. I deleted the text and call apps we downloaded to use together. I don't know if you'll even realise - I guess unless you try to contact me then you won't, and since you haven't been speaking to me for a couple of days now, it seems unlikely. I just needed to get rid of the temptation to contact you - it hurts more to try and get in touch and be ignored, than it does to just not be speaking. I suppose you might notice when I don't post on the forum we're both on. I deleted it out of my bookmarks to avoid the temptation to browse. I don't want to see you posting about every day stuff, knowing that you're not talking to me. That pretty much gets rid of all the ways we could contact each other. I guess you have my actual number, but texting me from overseas is hardly cheap, and therefore unlikely. Part of me hopes that, if my home situation does explode in my face - and it feels like it could go either way right now - then I could go back to the forum, post about my break-up and hope that you'd get in touch. I have no idea if you would, and I suspect not. So I don't really know if I would. In some ways, you've done me a huge favour by deciding things were getting too serious for you. I was so happy that I was distracted from my actual life problems. At least now that you're not around, I can start to focus on why I'm so unhappy, why I even let you get to me in the first place.