Heidern

"I know who I am, I know who I wanna be and I'm happy hope you are too!" That was something, wasn't it... 3 months NC and that's how you break it. Hope you realize not too late in your life that happiness isn't some sort of drug you get by replacing someone who was loyal to you for 6 years. Life has taught me that happiness comes from within, and I'm beginning to be at peace with myself. I've got to keep on working so I can provide myself a better life because I deserve it. This is all about me now. I'm taking control of this s.h.i.t. Oh yeah.

Had a fantastic day today without doing anything particularly interesting. Here's a big f.u.c.k you to all ex's out there

About to go to sleep. So I came up with the following joke today while thinking about you: If my ex was an animal she would be a cheetah. Once again my dear ex, wish you nothing but the best. Also, f.u.c.k y.o.u. Don't feel bad, I say jokingly. At this point you deserve no respect from me.

Dear ex. F,u,c,k, , y,o,u

Went to the theater yesterday on Saturday with a good friend and started thinking how you were probably doing the same with him. Oh well, such is life. I have to move on, my life is more important than you right now.

I'm feeling lonely, but my heart knows that the best I can do is to avoid you. We broke up 5 months ago, the last time I saw you was 4 months ago -remember that last kiss?, and the last time you told me you loved me was 3 months ago. So, apparently you've moved on. You've got your best friend living with you now, and she seems to be telling you how relieved you ought to be for getting rid of me. I don't really care anymore, I'm excited for the things that are coming up this year... I'm going to get a new job and I'm hoping I can move out soon. In the meantime, I'm going to retrain my brain so that it understands once and for all that you and I just aren't meant to be.

You started talking to your current boyfriend long before we broke up, which means you used both of us. I was the guy who was there for you when you were bored during the day, when you had to buy stuff or just random things that you wanted to do. Then, every single day around 9 PM -the time you started your chat sessions with this dude- you'd come up with some bull excuse to send me packing. He was the exciting guy, the guy that brought emotions out of you. So, I handled your problems and he got to see the results. All your friends blame me for our breakup, but you never told them the whole story, did you? Who cares. A few weeks from now and I'll be over you just like that.

Feel like calling you right now, though I don't want to talk about anything in specific. I just wanna hear your voice, see if you're OK... But of course you are. You're going out with the other guy. You're just a shadow of the girl with whom I fell in love. I don't think I need you anymore, but the memories of us together are more pleasant than the day I've had thus far. Our relationship never fell apart, you just sort of drifted away... It's not that we ran out of time, you just saw an opportunity for a better life out there with this other dude. I can't really blame you for doing what's "best" for yourself, but I'm not going to continue blaming myself for this.

Had lunch with a friend today. She's also going through a crappy breakup so she understands a lot of what's going on with me. Here's what's interesting about her breakup: the guy was a complete tool, treated her like * * * * and she still manages to miss his good side. She's still in love with him... I never treated you like dirt, did I? I believe I treated you more than nicely, even when you deserved some good old honesty. I always kept my cool... I'm keeping my cool as I watch you flirt with the other guy... Interestingly enough, I'm becoming more apathetic when it comes to those things. Also, quit acting like I just gave up on you... Maybe that's you're telling yourself at this point to get over me... Ah, but you know me too well! I'm not a quitter, I'm simply choosing to suppress any feeling that I may have for you. I'm stronger than you, I've always been that way. Don't need a thousand friends to get over you either. All I need is God, my family, and my good friend. I don't wish you any ill, I just know you're not going to get too far with this.

Saw the pictures you posted on Facebook today. I haven't had any real activity there this week, but some time last week I liked one of your posts where you said "I'm not always right, but if I do make a mistake at least I know that it was MY decision, MY choice to search for a better life, and at least I'll now that I didn't live based on someone else's advice, someone who didn't go through the things I did." So you kinda know I've been looking through your stuff. The pictures you posted were of you, your best friend (the one who always takes your side even when you're wrong) and the guy you've been talking to for the last year or so before you broke off our engagement. It doesn't seem that you're getting that much attention from your e-friends, so you had to post petty comments about how much you love that one picture or how beautiful his eyes are. When I read those comments I sort of got this nasty feeling in my stomach, but then it stopped almost immediately. Well, this sudden stop hadn't happened before. I tested myself a couple more times today, saw that you "liked" someone's post that said "I don't wish you anything bad, I think you got enough issues after losing me." Surprisingly, I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be after reading that. I began wondering about the horrible things that I must have done to you for you to think that way about me, but then it hit me... You're still looking for validation, still hoping that more of your friends take your side. You know that I loved you more than anything else. Sure, I was horrible at displaying affection towards you, but the feelings were there. The actions were mostly there. So, what gives? You hate me now, is that it? As these thoughts ran through my mind, I realized that I'm becoming a * * * * * . I'm paying way too much attention to the things you do, the things you say. You can't even understand yourself, why should I try doing so? I'm old enough to know that I shouldn't be playing these stupid games with you. You're acting like a little brat, the same way you acted the last time you dumped me. So, I'm going to do things differently. From now on, I'm telling myself you're no longer the most important thing that's ever happened in my life. You really were not... I've done a lot of cool things during my life, and I'm going back to those things that I enjoyed doing before I met you. I had a personality, and some people actually enjoyed hanging out with me before I started seeing you. Someone out there thought I was funny. So, to the hell with you and this other guy. I thought I was in love with you, but today I realized that I'm in love with some of the great qualities you have, not the whole psycho package. Good luck getting a 19-year-old kid to put up with your non-sense. He won't, and you know it. That, however, is no longer my issue. Day 1 of me loving myself again.