Help. She got pregnant on purpose!

[lavenderdove]

You have two separate issues... recognizing that you may need to prepare to be a father whether you want to or not, and what to do about your girlfriend.

 

It is obvious that she fantasizes about a happy little family with mommy and daddy and baby and probably you taking care of all of them. But just because she was foolish and got pregnant, does not mean that you have to continue with her as your girlfriend or marry her. You can be a good single father and finish your schooling so that you can support yourself and in future your child as well.

 

I personally would not recommend you marry her or indulge her fantasizes about the 'three' of you together unless you genuinely love her enough to marry her and stay with her permanently. That could encourage her to a second pregnancy and then you'd really be trapped.

 

So i think you need to separate the two issues, you potentially being a father, and recognize she is not someone you can ever trust if she is willing to make such a huge decision on her own without consulting you. You may have to be a father, but you don't have to agree to be her partner.

[SamiJayne]

She needs to get to the doctors asap. anti depressents can cause problems with the baby. I was depressed during my last pregnancy, And I had to wait until I was over 20 weeks before I could take anti depressents...and that was just Fluoxitine... Which is like prozac for americans I think. She needs to check if her anti depressents are going to be ok for the baby...

[HeartGoesOn]

Although I realize that this is a sad situation, it is the responsibility of both parties to make sure proper birth control is in place.

 

It's sad that many people don't stop and realize that if you feel responsible enough to be having sex, you have to be responsible enough to understand that there can be consequences that follow.

[Skillpadde]

Completely agree with Thistime. So many people are saying that it should not be the girl's responsibility 100%, but many girls, including myself, chose to use the Pill as an alternative to condoms, as I personally don't like them. If the fear of the girl not taking it as she forgot is that great, I'm sure a boyfriend is perfectly capable of helping remind the girl to take the pill at her alocated time. If he doesn't trust her enough to take her pills to protect herself, I'm not sure the couple in question should be having sex- I certainly wouldn't be if my partner didn't trust me enough to take my birth control.

[annie24]

look - even when taking birth control perfectly, there is still a 1-3% chance of getting pregnant. for someone who really really doesn't want to get pregnant, they need to double up on their protection.

[Skillpadde]

Even when using condoms AND birth control there is still a chance of getting pregnant. If you really, really don't want to get pregnant, you don't have sex.

 

The Pill if taken correctly, as prescribed (i.e at the exact same time, every day) is over 99% effective. If people are unable to take it at the correct time then that is when they need to look into other methods. If it was not that effective then do you think people would honestly rely on, and successfully use it as their only method of contraception?

 

The point at hand here is that the OP trusted his girlfriend to take the Pill every day as I assume they previous decided prior to entering a sexual relationship, like thousands of every other couples do, to use as protection against pregnancy. Due to the exceptionally high success rate of the Pill he assumed, as he can quite rightly do so, that he doesn't need to use condoms. It was her lying and deception that caused her to get pregnant, and I'm sure even if he was using condoms she could've made a hole with a needle in one if she was that desperate to get pregnant. In a case like hers, I don't think there is any way he could be safe from not getting her pregnant apart from abstaining from sex.

[Hamtaro]

look - even when taking birth control perfectly, there is still a 1-3% chance of getting pregnant. for someone who really really doesn't want to get pregnant, they need to double up on their protection.

 

You, my friend, are making up statistics.

 

I completely agree with Skillpadde on this.

If she really wanted to get pregnant, don't you think she would've found a way regardless? There is just no way you can blame the OP for not using a condom.

[pianoguy]

I really think that you need to abort or put this baby up for adoption since you won't be able to care for it well. Your gf sounds like an unfit parent.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[pianoguy]

It was her lying and deception that caused her to get pregnant, and I'm sure even if he was using condoms she could've made a hole with a needle in one if she was that desperate to get pregnant. In a case like hers, I don't think there is any way he could be safe from not getting her pregnant apart from abstaining from sex.

 

That's exactly right. I can't believe people are blaming this poor soul for not using a condom. The cause of the pregnancy has already been established.

[annie24]

You, my friend, are making up statistics.

 

I completely agree with Skillpadde on this.

If she really wanted to get pregnant, don't you think she would've found a way regardless? There is just no way you can blame the OP for not using a condom.

 

I am not making up statistics.

 

link removed

 

here is a link from the Mayo Clinic indicating that birth control pills are 98-99% effective when used perfectly. that means 1-2% of the time, it doesn't work. I know a woman who got pregnant while on the pill. i asked if she took it everyday, same time, never missed a pill. she said yes, she still got pregnant. she had no reason to lie to me.

 

when i was taking the pill, i read the insert that came with it, and it also said 97-99% effectiveness.

[avman]

You, my friend, are making up statistics.

 

I completely agree with Skillpadde on this.

If she really wanted to get pregnant, don't you think she would've found a way regardless? There is just no way you can blame the OP for not using a condom.

 

You my friend are very wrong. Birth control does indeed have a 1-3% failure rate even when taken perfectly.

[FortunateOne]

You my friend are very wrong. Birth control does indeed have a 1-3% failure rate even when taken perfectly.

 

Yup! I completely agree; plus, combined with the 85.00% affectiveness rate of he male condom you are looking at a 0.15% to 0.45% effective birth control rate. Now the base effective rate is still at 85.00% if she decides to go off her birth control for what ever selfish and/or medical reason(s).

 

Part of being an adult is to study the facts of any venture before you commit to the act. This is how you can mitigate the odds and understand how to plan for worst case scenario. I sometimes wish there was an adult license akin to any other professional or driver licenses in order to determine adult aptitude decision making skills. Maybe there needs to be a sexual reproduction license so uneducated horny people can be held accountable for immature actions.

[Imprecision]

I sometimes wish there was an adult license akin to any other professional or driver licenses in order to determine adult aptitude decision making skills. Maybe there needs to be a sexual reproduction license so uneducated horny people can be held accountable for immature actions.

 

Haha, sexual reproduction license... You see, in the old days, we called that marriage.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

you could always just tell her, if you have this baby im not going to stay with you at all. You will be a single mom and I will only be around to see my child. That will make her think twice about doing this. Let her know, I will not stay with you I will only be their for my child and I do not want to have nothing to do with you and on top of that I will let my parents and family know exactly what you did. You lied to me.. I think you should tell her this because this is how you feel. If she hears this she will most likely get the abortion pill.

 

I think it's ok for the OP to speak his truth - that he's leaving the relationship because she betrayed his trust. But this advice is highly manipulative, underhanded, and I don't think acting on it would be something the OP could be proud of, if you are suggesting that he tell her that he will leave if she doesn't abort but will stay if she does abort. What she did was horrible, and he doesn't need to compound the bad actions by acting manipulatively himself. And there is no guarantee whatsoever that some stupid words out of his mouth will make her do *anything*, ever.

[Lights]

I agree.

 

She manipulated you by getting off the birth control and everyone is up in arms about how messed up it is, but manipulating her to get an abortion would be on a better level?

 

No, it wouldn't and I highly recommend against that advice.

 

Yes, she stopped taking the pill, but unless you are completely uneducated about sex you know that even the pill isn't totally effective and that means it's your responsibility to either compensate for that 2-3 percent of unsafeness, or accept that she got pregnant.

 

Excusing yourself from blame just because she wasn't on the pill is a copout I think. She didn't steal your sperm in a little vial and inject it into herself while you two were only practicing the safest sex you could.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I pray it does not color your perception of all the members of the female gender. Remember, the majority, and I mean something like 95% of women, would not do something like that. That is a hugely bad decision to make...I would even label it insanity. If you do let it color your perception of all females, then you are doing yourself a disservice. That would be like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Just as ineffective and hurtful to yourself.

 

Just understand it as a lesson learned that you always must wear a condom, no matter what anyone says.

 

However, I don't blame you. Yes, in hindsight, you can see that you should have used a condom, but is anyone perfect? You loved your girlfriend, you trusted her, you did not see this coming. You were doing the best you can.

 

And yet, you have to accept your responsibility. That child is half yours. You are in quite a quandary.

 

But you seem very mature. I do not detect any misogyny or total unwillingness to be responsible for your actions. You seem level-headed and fair minded. That is good. Like other posters stated, I think it is a great idea to give yourself some time to get used to this and think about it and process your feelings.

 

What she did was shameful and sad. It is sad that someone felt such an intense need to get unconditional love that she tricked someone into fatherhood. She may be spiritually and mentally sick, that's true. But, remember, even if someone is sick, we have the right to protect ourselves from further hurt. You can be a good dad even if you're not with her. You will just make the best of it.

 

Good luck and take your time. It's early days yet, so that's the one thing you do have plenty of.

[Hamtaro]

I think this thread has gotten a little bit off topic <.>

 

There is just no way you can really blame the OP for this, if the girl really wanted to get pregnant she would've found a way regardless.

You hear about lots of incidents where girls will take a needle and make a tiny hole in the condom, just to get pregnant.

 

Immagine for a moment that the OP had used a condom, but his girlfriend had done as mentioned above and made a hole in it,

would you all have been saying didn't you pull out before you came? why weren't you responsible?"?

Or is 2 methods of protection enough, while just one isn't, in your minds?

 

I'm sorry for bringing this thread off topic, Cartman08.

If i were in your shoes I would personally try to talk some reason into her, tell her neither of you are ready for a child right now and try to make her understand that getting pregnant is not something you do without the other person's consent.

If she does keep it though you will just have to decide if you want to stay with her or not, and if you don't then to what degree are you going to involve yourself in hers/the baby's life. best of luck, whatever happens.

 

 

By the way, just out of curiosity, i see people saying that a male condom have an 85% success rate.

Can someone throw some light on this for me? Is there an 85% rate of success when used perfectly? or are the people who can't use it pulling the avarage down? In all honesty i don't believe that if you take 10 couples, each having sex with a male condom, that you would get at least one, maybe 2, pregnancies out of that, i know lots of couples who have used male condoms their entire life and never gotten pregnant.

[jenny_mcs]

 

 

By the way, just out of curiosity, i see people saying that a male condom have an 85% success rate.

Can someone throw some light on this for me? Is there an 85% rate of success when used perfectly? or are the people who can't use it pulling the avarage down? In all honesty i don't believe that if you take 10 couples, each having sex with a male condom, that you would get at least one, maybe 2, pregnancies out of that, i know lots of couples who have used male condoms their entire life and never gotten pregnant.

 

I believe the 85% effective rate for condoms is for a typical user- and you are reading the stats a little incorrectly. What 85% effective means is that if you take 100 couples who are using a condom as bc, over the course of one year, 15 of those couples will have a pregnancy.

 

Also, be careful of using your own personal anecdotes as a measure of how effective bc is (I know plenty of couples who use condoms and haven't gotten pregnant!, etc.). This is not really a logical way to look at things. Do you really think condom makers are lying, and their product is really much more effective than they report?

[Hope75]

You, my friend, are making up statistics.

 

I completely agree with Skillpadde on this.

If she really wanted to get pregnant, don't you think she would've found a way regardless? There is just no way you can blame the OP for not using a condom.

 

You're right, Annie is a bit off. The failure rate of the pill is actually closer to 5%.

 

link removed

 

Here it says that 'perfect use' the failure rate is 0.3%, and 'actual use' (i.e. no one is perfect) is 8%.

 

link removed

 

Although here Annie is spot on:

 

link removed

 

And yes, it is the responsibility of both partners to prevent pregnancy.

 

I'm not disagreeing what the gf did was wrong and wasn't deceptive, it was a terrible thing she did. But, if the OP really didn't want to be a father/accept the risks that come with having unprotected sex, coming in his girlfriend was not the best idea, regardless of if she was on the pill or not. He did so, knowing the risks even if she took the pill as directed.

[taxi10]

I can tell you that your relationship will not last longer at all. This will surface in any little argument between you and her.

 

MY best friend was exactly tricked like this by his love-obsessed girlfriend and since there was a child involved he decided to stay with her. It turned out that whenever there was a dispute, the unwanted child comes in. He told me that he is only there for his child and she won't have another child - what a mess !!

[Hope75]

There is just no way you can really blame the OP for this, if the girl really wanted to get pregnant she would've found a way regardless.

You hear about lots of incidents where girls will take a needle and make a tiny hole in the condom, just to get pregnant.

 

 

It's not really about assigning 'blame' as it is sharing responsibility for pregnancy. Once again, yes the gf in this scenario was wrong and deceitful, but the OP could have used a condom.

 

And while if the OP left condoms in his gf's care and she chose to poke a hole the same result could have occurred, the OP would have done all that he could to prevent pregnancy (except abstain). Bottom line there was something more he could have done if he absolutely did not want to risk getting her pregnant, like use a barrier method or abstain.

[jenny_mcs]

 

There is just no way you can really blame the OP for this, if the girl really wanted to get pregnant she would've found a way regardless.

You hear about lots of incidents where girls will take a needle and make a tiny hole in the condom, just to get pregnant.

 

Immagine for a moment that the OP had used a condom, but his girlfriend had done as mentioned above and made a hole in it,

would you all have been saying didn't you pull out before you came? why weren't you responsible?"?

Or is 2 methods of protection enough, while just one isn't, in your minds?

 

 

It isn't how many of methods of protection is enough- it's the fact that NO form of birth control is 100% reliable- so if you are having sex, there is a chance a pregnancy may result. BC fails, people use it incorrectly, people lie (lie the OP's gf), etc. Nothing is 100% effective! Even vasectomies and tubal ligations have (small) failure rates!

[Siriana]

I think she was really manipulative and based on her silly idea Op is about to have his life complicated more than he expected.

Yes, taking care of protection is something both people should think about if not prepared to have a kid. But, using this logic to come to piece with this situation just doesn't help.

She was a major well...major...o.k.

I don't know what kind of advice to give you.

I have no idea.

For me this is very complicated because I cannot tolerate dishonesty and manipulative ways of achieving goals.

I guess if the pregnancy just happened, but not on purpose, you would be a man enough to take full responsibility. Now you'll need more time to sort your thoughts out.

 

Anyway, I am not really sure she's pregnant.

Until a gyno confirms it you now nothing. Maybe she's testing you in a very stupid way.

[DN]

The girl was manipulative and the OP should have used condoms even if she was not.

 

However she is and he did not.

 

But you can't alter a fact in the past and the fact is that she is pregnant and it seems she will not abort it or have it adopted.

 

So the advice about contraception is useful for other people reading this thread but it is too late for the OP.

 

What you have to face is that fact that you are going to be a father of a child that had no options and no choices - and because you will be its father you have responsibilities to it that you should in all conscience live up to to the best of your ability. That means that you also, by extension, have responsibilities to the mother. You don't have to love her or even like her and you don't have to marry or live with her. But you do need to treat her in a way that will not harm the child in any way and that includes being supportive throughout the pregnancy and thereafter.

 

Your life will change - it already has. So you have to prepare yourself for that and deal with it the best way you can. You owe this child the best parenting you can provide, morally, financially, as a nurturer, carer and educator.

 

This is not what you planned - but it is what has happened regardless and, as a man and a father, you have duties and responsibilities you must accept.

 

And, the bonus, the upside of all this, is that you will have a child who will love its father if you love the child.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

DN's absolutely right and I think this is best advice given on this thread.