Cartman08 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I really really need some advice here! My gf of nearly a year called me last thursday sayin we really need to talk urgent so that evening we met up. She tells me she's pregnant. I was so shocked & all I could think of to ask is how do you know. She said she was bein sick in mornings and her and her mate went to get a few tests. She show me them and they say pregnant. I was shocked cause as far as I knew she was on the pill. She was saying she's scared but honestly she was talkin bout it like she's excited & sayin do you want a girl or boy? Neither! She had said a few months ago that her sisters baby was making her broody but that she doesn't want one yet. I told her we're not in the right position to even think about it. We're both in college and I only have a little w/e job. We live with our parents. We're both young & I don't want to be a dad yet but we could START to think about it in 2 yrs when we're done with college. she agreed. This evening we had an argument cause she said I was being mean i.e not excited. I told her I'm in shock & neither of us ready to be parents. She said it will be great so I said "if I didn't trust you I'd think you did this on purpose!" actually tryin to lighten the mood abit. She went all funny & looked down. I was like " you did didn't you" & she admitted she had stopped taking her birth control! I can't believe it. I totally trusted her eventho she was broody I never thougt she'd be the kinda person to do that. I told her I cant even stand to look at her right now and I'd get in touch within afew days. She started cryin sayin she's sorry she just loves me so much that she wants my baby. I walked our & she's txt me afew times sayin sorry & afew missed calls. What am I going to do?! Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Unfortunately, you have to start prepping to be a dad. How long in is she saying she is? Also, why were you not using condoms. Leaving that to other people is a daft thing to do. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 This is why I would alway always use condoms as well at my age (any age before Im ready to be a mom or make someone a dad). I'd be so angry. A child isnt something one person can make the decision to have in a couple or trick someone else into having. Your both at college, you dont have the income. This baby deserves a good start in life and you CAN provide that. Your going to have to step up to the mark, either as her bf or as her ex, you need to start thinking on how to look after this baby, on what your going to do to provide financially, can you ask for help from parents? You will get lots of governmental support in the uk, money/grants etc. And maybe a council flat? Start browsing the government sites, see what you can get to help you out, start looking at all your options and how you can be the best dad possible The reality is, it takes two to make a baby. You can never 100% Trust a girl will take her pill correctly or take it at all. what she has done is wrong, but you could have been more careful...try and give this child the best life you can. Im sorry she decieved you. Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 And this is why condoms are the said "back up plan!" Sorry to hear this man...that's totally "F"ed up!! As a woman, I would never imagine doing something like this to someone. If I were a man, I wouldn't know what to think. You too now have an obligation, however, and there is no real way around it. You have to be there for your child, no matter what. There's gotta be some financial help with the state for young parents. I would say ALL medically related things should go through Planned Parenthood though. Good luck. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Oh dear..this woman is not fit to be a mother if she is the kind of person who resorts to deception to get what she wants. I am very sorry for your situation. The lesson to learn from this is use a condom..do not rely on just the pill as birth control..because that is completely out of your control. The condom is within your control...you know when you put it on...a man does not know if a woman is or isn't taking her pill properly. There is not much you can do at this point...you can talk to her about abortion but it doesn't sound like she will go for that. You need to decide whether or not you still want to be with her. Even if you are not with her you will still need to provide support as a father. However, I would strongly suggest that you get a paternity test...if she deceived you about the pill who knows if she has betrayed you in other ways (cheating). Make sure that child really is yours. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Well, that is really really horrible that she did that. Just awful. I'm sure you're in shock right now, between this unplanned (to you) pregnancy, and the deception by your gf. It sounds like she wants this baby, and there is nothing you can do about it now. I think taking a few days to clear your head is good, because your life is about to change in a huge way. Hang in there. Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I was gonna mention the potential cheating thing as well, but she seems pretty OBSESSED and CRAZY over you...still something to look into though. Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 And that is the beauty of our law system she could unilaterally abort a baby that you may have wanted but you are not allowed to write her a letter stating that you do not want this baby and legally are walking from it all. you are S.O.L like so many of us that have put our trust in deceptive women out to get whatever they want at any price. Now you pay the piper and try to become the best Daddy you can be. Actually I think the law is the best it can be. It is the woman's body and it must be her decision. Guys on the other hand should be smart with their decisions to not fall into these traps. I am really sorry of what happened, I suggest you tho, don't marry this woman. What she did was unforgivable IMO and she shall not be trusted again! Link to comment
Cartman08 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 There's so much going around my head I don't know where to start. How can she love me if she does a thing like that? Why does she feel the need to have a baby so bad? She's 19 she should know better. A baby isnt a doll you can just play dress up with it's a human being that's dependant on us! Our parents are probably going to freak out too. Where would the baby live? How could we afford everything? I will never not use a condom again I've learnt that lesson but I really did trust her. I was with her when she went to the doctor for birth control a couple of months into the relationship. She's apparently 3 weeks gone. It's not that I don't like children I do but I'm not ready to have my own yet. I have no say in the matter tho. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Its a shame that she went so low. I can't believe there are women out there that do this sort of stuff. What a horrible thing to do to someone. Dont get me wrong, a child is a beautiful thing but when it something both people want. Im sorry. Dont ever trust her again! Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 There's so much going around my head I don't know where to start. How can she love me if she does a thing like that? Why does she feel the need to have a baby so bad? She's 19 she should know better. A baby isnt a doll you can just play dress up with it's a human being that's dependant on us! Our parents are probably going to freak out too. Where would the baby live? How could we afford everything? I will never not use a condom again I've learnt that lesson but I really did trust her. I was with her when she went to the doctor for birth control a couple of months into the relationship. She's apparently 3 weeks gone. It's not that I don't like children I do but I'm not ready to have my own yet. I have no say in the matter tho. Ask her for abortion, before it gets late. Even if you can, try to pressure her in some non abusing way, but you know that at the end it is her decision. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 There's so much going around my head I don't know where to start. How can she love me if she does a thing like that? Why does she feel the need to have a baby so bad? She's 19 she should know better. A baby isnt a doll you can just play dress up with it's a human being that's dependant on us! Our parents are probably going to freak out too. Where would the baby live? How could we afford everything? I will never not use a condom again I've learnt that lesson but I really did trust her. I was with her when she went to the doctor for birth control a couple of months into the relationship. She's apparently 3 weeks gone. It's not that I don't like children I do but I'm not ready to have my own yet. I have no say in the matter tho. Ok, this is a horrible thing to say, but the reason most women wait until 14 weeks or so to tell everyone is because the chances of spontaneous miscarriage is actually quite high. That said, don't be thinking it's a foregone conclusion. Right now you have to be sorting out everything under the assumption that you are going to be a parent, sorting out how you are going to support yourself and the baby and deciding whether you want to be a parent with her or apart from her. I really am sorry you've had this happen to you. Link to comment
Skillpadde Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 To all the people suggesting to use a condom, you talk as if the pill isn't a viable method of contraception, which is most definitely is. It's not like she ACCIDENTALY got pregnant whilst on it, she knowingly stopped taking it, and I'm sure the OP, until this happened, trusted her enough to think she would keep taking it. I find the fact the blame is being put onto him here quite insulting to him. Link to comment
Mimori Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I hate hearing stories like this. Girlfriends have done this to a lot to people I care about (I’m friends with mostly men). A lot of the times it’s out of a weird sense of obsession (Claiming she loves you so much she wants your baby now), To keep you in her life (If she has the baby and doesn’t get an abortion you’ll be either paying child support or having to see her a few times to see your child), and a lot of girls feel they can guilt trip you into staying in the relationship… She’s manipulative. She took a life changing decision and made it on her own. Don’t; please don’t get back into a relationship with her. In my book that is crossing the line and showing no respect for you! A child complicates life, especially a college student and people who are just starting their futures. I would never want a future with someone who would manipulate a situation to this extent. (Stop taking birth control without telling you). I’d honestly would never be able to forgive her. It’s disgusting when people make a decision that affects the permanent lives of two other people (you and the child…not to mention herself). Granted other people say that’s why they use condoms, but you could have also just pulled out instead. Don’t forgive her. If she has the child be there for them, but don’t be there for her. Don’t be there for her during the pregnancy, etc. If she can make a life changing decision like this on her own, then she should realize the consequences of not involving you. It’s not out of a sense revenge…but it wasn’t your choice. She lied…deceived…and tricked you… now feeling sorry for what she did only after the fact you weren’t excited. You weren’t ready and have told her that…I would associate myself with her as little as possible… Link to comment
Cartman08 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 She won't get an abortion it's obvious. I just can't see how the baby will have a great life with us. If we stay together how can I forgive her? If we split up how is that good for the baby? Link to comment
fatcat1999 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 She won't get an abortion it's obvious. I just can't see how the baby will have a great life with us. If we stay together how can I forgive her? If we split up how is that good for the baby? She cheated on you obviously, in certain sense. just go back and treat her well, do whatever you can to persuade her for abortion, then dump her. sadly, there're women like this. my previous roommate once gave me a suggestion to get pregnant to pin down a guy. they're psychos Link to comment
Lyn.x. Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Your gf broke your trust and you have every reason to be upset with her. However, you should take the time to sit down and understand her emotional and mental position that lead her to the point where she tricked you into giving her a child. Access your relationship, her relationship with her sister and her mood before she conceived. Was this child a bad, spontaneous decision? Or was she trying to accommodate for a part of her life that she felt that was lacking? You might probably be thinking, who cares? But if you care about your gf you should. If this baby means more to her than bibs and bottles, then coming down on her too roughly could seriously affect her, the child and thus, you. I hope you two can work pass this. All the best! Link to comment
Mimori Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Well like I said, I wouldn’t be able to forgive her. That was an incredibly thoughtless and disrespectful thing to do. The baby can still have a good life without you being in a relationship with her. One. She could consider putting it up for adoption (but I doubt she will), two, you do what most do nowadays, see your child and be there for them when you have time. Shared custody, etc. It’s actually better if you don’t stay with her if you can’t forgive her. Otherwise, the child’s life won’t exactly be a happy one. Don’t make the relationship feel as if you have obligation to her, you have an obligation to the child. But even then. You are going to hold any resentment towards the child, or feel too obligated as if it’s a job and what not. You don’t actually have to be apart of its life. You’d end up ruining it and making it feel a little unloved. I’ve known people who’ve done this and had to find another guy to be the “parent” and pretend he was the biological father. It’s a hard thing to do. And a hard decision. But either way, if you aren’t able to feel like you can give that child a happy life… then don’t try and be apart of it out of some moral right and responsibility. Link to comment
Cartman08 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 Your gf broke your trust and you have every reason to be upset with her. However, you should take the time to sit down and understand her emotional and mental position that lead her to the point where she tricked you into giving her a child. Access your relationship, her relationship with her sister and her mood before she conceived. Was this child a bad, spontaneous decision? Or was she trying to accommodate for a part of her life that she felt that was lacking? You might probably be thinking, who cares? But if you care about your gf you should. If this baby means more to her than bibs and bottles, then coming down on her too roughly could seriously affect her, the child and thus, you. I hope you two can work pass this. All the best! Maybe you have a point... I don't understand what possessed her to do this. Love?? I'm just tryin to understand I guess. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 The male birth control pill can't come out soon enough Link to comment
sparkles4 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 It scares the crap out of me that there are women who do this. You're both in college with your whole futures ahead of you, have no means to provide for a child, and her actions alone indicate that she's way too selfish and immature to be a parent. She probably had this twisted idea in her head that having your baby would be romantic and great and bring you closer together, but maybe once she sees that things aren't working out that way she will begin to realize the seriousness of the situation and consider other options. However, she may keep the pregnancy and it's technically both of your responsibility, so you should start preparing yourself to be a father. Also, I agree with what was said about getting a paternity test. She deceived you about this, she may have deceived you with something else. Be sure it's yours. Link to comment
Mimori Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 That’s another good point to make sure of, that the baby is really yours. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 To all the people suggesting to use a condom, you talk as if the pill isn't a viable method of contraception, which is most definitely is. It's not like she ACCIDENTALY got pregnant whilst on it, she knowingly stopped taking it, and I'm sure the OP, until this happened, trusted her enough to think she would keep taking it. I find the fact the blame is being put onto him here quite insulting to him. Nobody is blaming him..they are simply saying protect yourself....when you are not ready to have children, wear a condom. Even if she was an honourable person, what happens if she messed up taking the pills, got distracted and forgot to take them. Birth control is not just the responsibility of the woman..the man has to take his share of the responsibility. Link to comment
sparkles4 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Maybe you have a point... I don't understand what possessed her to do this. Love?? I'm just tryin to understand I guess. It's definitely not love. Obsession maybe, but not love. When you love someone, you don't go behind their back and do something that's potentially going to screw up their entire future. It is clear that this woman is not right in the head, and trying to understand her actions is trying to rationalize irrational behavior. It won't work. Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 "Actually I think the law is the best it can be. It is the woman's body and it must be her decision" I totally agree but I am saying that the man should be given the same choice of not taking responsibilty as if the abortion took place That would be a fair law, she wants to move along then it's her choice her baby Do you even realize how many men can abuse this kind of law? who is there to say if she got pregnant on purpose or not?(of course the woman would not admit that) who can prove something like that? why not just be smart about it and wear a condom? Link to comment
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