Help. She got pregnant on purpose!

[diabolik]

I hate hearing stories like this. Girlfriends have done this to a lot to people I care about (I’m friends with mostly men).

Yeah, this sort of thing is pretty common. I read about a study where they asked women who were on the pill, if they wanted to get pregnant, would they tell their partner that they are going to stop taking the pill. Something like 40% of the women said they would not tell their partner. I don't have a link to it, but I'm sure a skilled googler can find it (not sure if googs is reading this thread).

 

Since reading about that study, I use a condom even if my partner is on the pill; either that or I won't cum inside her. Of course, most women would be very upset with a guy if they knew he was using a condom because of this fear.

A lot of the times it’s out of a weird sense of obsession (Claiming she loves you so much she wants your baby now), To keep you in her life (If she has the baby and doesn’t get an abortion you’ll be either paying child support or having to see her a few times to see your child), and a lot of girls feel they can guilt trip you into staying in the relationship…

Could be this; could also be that she's nuts, as some have suggested, but given the circumstances with her sister, I'm guessing the breeding instinct kicked in. That instinct, once aroused, is very powerful. Women will make decisions that they otherwise would never fathom making, which means as a guy, you cannot trust them with regards to birth control b/c you never know when a woman will switch from the one you knew to the one who's overriding instinct is to have a child.

[Cartman08]

Hey everybody update time. At first I tried to stay with her & just make it ok. But it didn't work cause I just kept feelin so angry at her for decieing me like that. I told her sorry but it's not going to work out but I'll be there for the baby & even her as a friend. She keeps calling me & crying and begging me to give her another chance but I just can't do it. I told her I'll help her with anything she needs when it comes to baby but she has to stop calling me to beg me. I end up turning my phone off & I feel really bad but I dunno what else to do?? & I feel like I'm going to be a bad dad cause I didn't keep with her I keep thinking maybe I should just stick with her & MAKE it work?

 

Also her mum is really mad at me for not staying with her saying I'm not a real man. She says a real man would stick by a pregnant gf. My parents say they don't think I should go any where near her apart from when seeing the baby.

[Siriana]

No, you won't be a bad dad because of it.

I am sure you would be an awful dad if you stayed with her regardless the resentment you feel. Imagine what a nice marriage that would be!

Your decision to be there for the baby is the right one and you acted maturely when it comes to that. A lot of guys would completely abandon the situation. You are fair.

She has been completely unrealistic and selfish in her idea to get pregnant without your consent.

Good luck.

[Catdancer]

I had my son 6 months ago and the hell of pregnancy is still fresh in my mind. So, I know how hard it can be to be pregnant. I needed as much support as I could get from family and my bf. Also you are going to want to be at the doctor's appt and hear your babies heartbeats and see them for the first time on the ultrasound. It's an indescribable feeling. Please dont miss out on those times. They are more for you to enjoy and to actually see the growth and progress of your baby. I think that you should remain fairly close to her through her pregnancy, so that you dont miss any of those special times that only happen once. Also after the baby is born you will want to go over and visit with your newborn son or daughter. When first born, you wont really want to separate mom and baby for a while.

[FathomFear]

Birth control is a two way street. Sure, she has no excuse for being deceitful, but you also had the ability to use a condom if having a child is something you absolutely don't want right now (and even then it wouldn't have been fool proof).

 

Do her parents know that she intentionally stopped using birth control? Or has she lied to them?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

The whole thing is really sad. You don't want to monitor the progress of your child? I know she did an awful thing and you don't want a relationship with her, but make sure you're doing *your* part to cultivate a parenting partnership.

[pianoguy]

She sounds psychotic, and I doubt she's going to be a good mother. I think you're doing the best you can in a terrible situation. It may be that your refusal to go along with this will help her to see the light and get an abortion or at least consider putting up the baby for adoption.

 

Your parents sound like they have some good advice so I'd listen to them. Don't worry about that "be a real man" bull**** that her mom is giving you, that's just complete nonsense.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Well, try to understand her mom's position. Does she know this girl did this on purpose, knowing that you were unaware she was trying to get pregnant? Her mom may not have all the information. Again, it's a sad, sad situation and I'm sure this girl never dreamed what all of the consequences would be.

[diabolik]

She sounds psychotic, and I doubt she's going to be a good mother.

She hardly sounds psychotic, and what we know about her doesn't have much bearing on whether she's going to be a good mother.

[lady00]

She and her mother are flat-out wrong. When your partner in a relationship deceives you, you don't stick around and let that person walk all over you. That's not what a relationship is about. She and her mother can't see that--that's their issue. Don't let them fill your head with doubt.

 

You made the right decision for you and for your child. Kids often perceive when their parents are unhappy together and it really does not help help them to stay together for their sake (it's actually doing them a disservice). Happy parents are better for their children. You could stay with her and be miserable with someone who has lied to you and mistreated you. That's not helpful to you or your child. Your ex needs to grow up, and fast. And she needs to realize that she cannot manipulate people into staying with her by lying to them. Hopefully she will wise up to this and be able to have healthy relationships in the future.

 

Right now, she is having a hard time getting over being dumped and she's lashing out at you. Hopefully, with time, she will realize that she can't treat romantic partners the way she has treated you and perhaps that will ultimately help her heal from the breakup and stop the harassing phone calls. She's harassing you now because she is hurting, she does not respect you and she does not respect herself. Her mother is defending her because, well, she's her mom, and who knows what she told her mom about the situation. I think if she told her mom the entire truth, her mother might not be accusing you of not being a "real man." And by the way, in case you had any doubt in your mind, you are doing exactly what a real man in this situation would do. You are not wrong.

[lady00]

She hardly sounds psychotic, and what we know about her doesn't have much bearing on whether she's going to be a good mother.

 

I disagree. Her behavior certainly suggests a lot is not right with her. Also, she wanted a child to keep her bf. Not because she wanted a child. I do think that has a great deal of bearing on whether or not she will be a good mother. Hopefully she will change in the time between now and the birth, but she has thus far demonstrated that she is not acting as a responsible adult who has her child's best interests at heart (by lying to the father in order to have a child with him, and by giving the reasons she has given for wanting a child, she has shown she really isn't too concerned about anyone besides herself). I hope for the baby's sake she changes. But she's done nothing to suggest that she understands what it means and what is required to be a responsible parent.

[diabolik]

I disagree. Her behavior certainly suggests a lot is not right with her. Also, she wanted a child to keep her bf. Not because she wanted a child.

It's been a while since I read the first few posts in this thread by the OP, but unless I'm mistaken, she didn't do this to keep her bf, she did it because she wanted a child.

[hossman]

Op you are handling this as well as can be expected. Limit your contact with her to things related to the child only.

 

You do not and cannot be part of this woman's life. I agree with those who say she's psychotic. Her mom is of course only going to watch out for her own daughter, so don't even give what she says a second thought.

 

You covered yourself in terms of the birth control situation by going with her to the doctor, you don't need to beat yourself up over that one regardless of what some of the more ignorant posters on this thread have to say about that.

 

Yeah, you've got financial and moral obligations to this child however you owe your girlfriend nothing.

[KitKatt]

No offense. I am happy to hear that you broke things off with her. You are too angry to stay with her and it will only cause resent when you are together if you are angry all the time. Hopefully this will pass when the baby is born.

 

Don't let her guilt suck you back in. What her Mother fails to see is that "her" Daughter choose to make a decision for you both. It's not like your ex discussed this first. For all you knew, she was on birth control to prevent this from happening. Your ex didn't give you many options. It's not like she even mentioned that she stopped taking her pill.

Your parents are right. I would stay away from her until the baby is born. She will probably try to use the baby's update/growth to make contact. If she calls and wants to discuss the matter. Keep the conversation to the baby.

Hopefully, this ex won't use the baby as a pawn after it's born.