brazilgirl21 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 What is the end of 3L years?? How are you doing John? What have you decided to do? Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 Hey BG! I've decided to stay in contact with her. We're going to try to rebuild slowly. No promises. Oh well. 3L refers to a third year law student. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 I'm rooting for you!! I hope everything works out. Please be prepared for a possible negative outcome, however. Last year I was SURE me and my ex were getting back together and that I woudn't be that distressed if it didn't work out. Well, it didn't work out and I suffered much more than I had initially. So please be careful. I'm sorry if this sounds negative. Link to comment
The_411 Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 John, I'm going to tell you how to maximize your chances here. 1) You know the old adage about knowing if a politician is lying? His lips are moving the same goes for women. You need to break away from the thinking which gets all guys into trouble which is that women are rational. Women deal from emotion. Men deal from logic it's how we as humans are hard wired. Please don't take this to mean that all women are liars any time they speak what it means is that a woman's actions are the metric by which you should make judgements and conclusions, not her words. Words should be evaluated as verbal cues. 2) A woman breaks up with you because either she has lost so much attraction for you to the point where you've passed a certain threshold or you've been too overbearing or selfish etc. In your case it appears that you were in latter which is much better than being in the former. 3) You cannot negotiate attraction Let me say that again, You cannot negotiate attraction You made a big mistake by talking about the relationship and whys and hows etc. That stuff is important but you need to develop a bond with her. Remember what's been said here plenty of times that trying to convince someone or reason why an ex broke-up with you always backfires because in essence it makes it seem like you are challenging their resolve. When you challenge someone's resolve it only strengthen's their conviction. Now you didn't completely screw it up but you need to back way from any and all relationship discussions. 4) Let the woman place labels on how you relate. Labelling, trying to figure out where you are stand, are feminine behaviors. Stop worrying about it let her call you a friend or boyfriend. 5) Mystery- You need to be more of an enigma to your ex. That conversation piece where she said maybe I'd need to get to know you all over again was a huge hint basically saying John I know you too well like an old shoe. I really like the old shoe but wouldn't my favorite old shoe be so much better if it was refursbished and had some new wrinkles and a new feel. You have to show her your changes while not revealing too much of your self. Whether or not you're having sex is not her business. What you are doing what you are planning is none of her business. 6) The value of scarcity- A scarce JohnGalt is a desired JohnGalt. This doesn't mean play games but you need to be focused on JohnGalt because if things don't work out how you would like if you've been working on yourself you'll be in a good place to move forward. 7) Having options- You need to be dating other women right now. You don't need to flaunt this but you can't imagine how powerful an attractant having a woman on your arm is when your ex sees you. Obviously you don't need to flaunt and actr like an ass should this situation arise but she needs to know that John Galt is hot commodity and if she doesn't step up someone else will snap you up quicklike. 8) Do what YOU want to do. The bottomline is that you can't live your life evaluatinmg every little move and counter and the possible ramifications of each action because men take action. This doesn't mean do not analyze but it means do not ruminate. There is a huge difference between the two. Analyzing is evaluating what has taken place or is about to take place and using reason to make the best decision based on logical and deductive reasoning. Ruminating is replaying an event saying I shoulda woulda coulda, or if only I did this or that. Ruminating is a huge self-esteem killer and can make go you crazy and miss out on the moment which leads me to one of the great keys .... 9) Live in the moment- Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery. Goal planning is important and making plans are important but if you dwell in the past too much or plan for the future too much you miss out on what's actually happening. Don't worry about where is this going or are we going be together worry about having fun enjoying life and saying damn I'm gonna make the most out of my opportunities. There a lot more but these should help you out for now 10) Be willing to walk away- this has to be true even when you are in a "successful" relationship you need to have the mindset that you could walk away at any moment. If you don't, you will find that the relationship will almost inevitably be doomed to failure. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 The 411, EXCELLENT advice. I will implement many if not all of these and you're right about the mistakes I've made. Thanks for taking the time to write all of this and post it. It is much appreciated. I will keep you updated. Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 wow.. Good luck, JG!! Let us know what happens! Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 Update 3-30-09 I think I'll just keep my updates here. So earlier this week we planned to hang out today and watch a movie at her place. She has been texting me and calling me sporadically. On Friday night, for example, we sent some friendly texts back and forth. I kept myself scarce, however, and we didn't talk much throughout the week. Today we decided to meet up at her place and watch a movie. We watched the movie together. Honestly, I felt a bit awkward, so I decided that I was going to leave after the movie went off, but my ex decided that she wanted to hang out more. She even got a bit annoyed that I would even suggest leaving after the movie. We went out for a nice dinner. She paid. She called it a date. She then told me that she'll reconsider getting back together, but she needs more time before she can be in a relationship with me again. "I don't want to lead you on, N, but I do think that I can reconsider and be with you, but it will take some time." I didn't bring up the relationship, but we did talk about it a lot at dinner. She gazed into my eyes a lot. Well after dinner, we decided to go to the theater to see a comedy, but the movie didn't start until like a hour and a half after we got to the theater. So we decided just to sit at a food court table in the lobby and talk. We talked more about us. I had her cracking up the whole time. She grabbed my hand and held it. She's clearly starting to slowly let her guard down. In the movie she held my hand again. These are very intimate gestures for her. I didn't initiate the hand holding either time. After the movie she kept mentioning how much fun she had tonight and when I dropped her back off, she hugged me and gave me a kiss. Things are off to a good start. I will keep this thread updated as my attempt at reconciliation proceeds. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 JOHN!!! Wow! I am SO happy for you!! Things seem amazing!! Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 JOHN!!! Wow! I am SO happy for you!! Things seem amazing!! Thanks! I'm still taking your advice though and being very cautious. If she does decide ultimately that we can't be together, I hope I'm strong enough to take it. But it does feel like we're sorta starting from scratch. I'm being really cautious because even though she's letting her guard down slowly, I can see she is really torn. One interesting thing she told me that I didn't put in my update was that she told her sister that we were going to hang out. Her sister told her that it was a very bad idea to hang out unless she just wanted to have sex with me. I didn't really know how to respond to something like that, but I laughed and changed the subject. Obviously, her sister doesn't approve of us getting back together and even suggests that my ex uses me as a piece of meat. Bleh, so many obstacles to overcome before I can get this relationship back on the right track. Interestingly enough, I've made so much progress with my ex...but now I'm questioning whether it is worth it. Reconciliation isn't going to happen overnight and so much can happen day to day. So who knows. Thanks for the encouragement though BG. You really are an AMAZING woman! Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 JG - You have something that I didn't when I was "getting back together" with my ex. You are taking things slow. You are having cautious. You KNOW it might not work out. I, on the other hand, was SO sure we were going to be together. That's what killed me, I think, the certainty I have. I guess if you expect the worse and hope for the best things will be fine for you and you will be happy in the future. Seriously, as much as I'm still suffering, I will NEVER regret trying. I know I might not be feeling this pain now, but I would never have forgiven myself for not trying!! Link to comment
canali Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Good luck John...rebuilding trust hope and love takes real time...think metaphorically of a serious bodily Injury ie we just know we can't rush recovery too fast ...same gig right but this time just occurring in another part of your being...good luck!...keep us informed please. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 Good luck John...rebuilding trust hope and love takes real time...think metaphorically of a serious bodily Injury ie we just know we can't rush recovery too fast ...same gig right but this time just occurring in another part of your being...good luck!...keep us informed please. Excellent analogy. Thank you for your continued support. It means a lot and I will keep you updated Link to comment
Ac143 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Yes, keep us updated! I really wish you the best of luck & hope it works out! John - how long have were you with your ex? Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I was with my ex for 5 1/2 years. Link to comment
The_411 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 John, Here are more tips ... 1) I would suggest you read a book about body language and what certain body lnaguges signals mean. Most communication is done non-verbally. There are a few other books even more geared towards attraction that I would recommend. 2) If you want to leave leave scarcity not only applies to when you hang out but also how much continous time you spend together. 3) Remember what I said about actions versus words. Ignore what she says about restarting the relationship. Labels are for her not you. 4) A woman will continually test you so your actions must be congruent and you also must realize you are being tested. 5) The best way to pass a woman's tests is not to play so don't let her bait you. If you get stuck just remember to act like you would act if you were with your best buddies. 6) It sounds like your doing well so keep up the fun aspect. The physical contact is very good. Just remember that you need to initiate as well as that's part of being a "man" Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thank you 411. Again, your posts are always well thought out and extremely helpful. I will pick up a book on body language tomorrow. I'll probably head to the Barnes and Noble around 1pm ET, so if you (or anyone else) has a suggested book on the topic, please let me know! Could you please expand on #2? On Sunday, we spent about 8 1/2 hours together. Today, we spent no time together. Tomorrow, she wants to take a walk and then she is coming over to my place for dinner and we're going to watch a game together. She initiated the plans for the walk. I asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner. I don't plan on seeing her until next week after tomorrow though. Do you suggest really short dates instead of long ones? Also, we've begun to communicate on the phone sporadically. I had one 3 hour conversation with her...but usually I make a point to only stay on for 15 minutes max. Are shorter conversations better? All of your other points are understood and I will definitely keep them in mind. Thanks again. Link to comment
canali Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 411 with all due respect it sounds like you are reading to him something from the likes of "how to win or get your ex back"...I just don't believe in formulaic approaches with their easy "men are like this and women are like that moulds... so based on such typologies here is how you solve your problem yada yada " I see them as over simplistic in both analysis and approach ...sure to be used as guidelines perhaps but not as hard and fast rules...or have I overstepped myself? Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 411 with all due respect it sounds like you are reading to him something from the likes of "how to get your ex back"...I just don't believe in formulaic approaches... or I incorrect in my assertion? I'm really concerned about the whole scarcity issue. Obviously, I don't want to overwhelm her, but she's initiating most of it now. Even the IMs. I don't know...I don't want her to think I'm less valuable because I'm around, but we don't hang out alot. I do like spending extended periods of time with her when we DO hang out. What do you think? Link to comment
canali Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 It always better IMO to leave the dinner table a bit hungry than overly satiated and full if you get my drift....just keep a balance between being with her and yet living your life more fully so you are not being manipulative and gamey but honest....like I said earlier using the metaphor of your situation being like a very real injury that needs compassionate yet disciplined attention: it may heal over time provided you don't needlessly force things along yet don't neglect it either... I agree with 411 in his earlier assertion of just enjoying one another in the here and now being causal and basically just clicking again ....that's like doing a gentle healing activity with your "injury" (your broken relationship) but not drawing needless attention to it either or removing the dressings to constantly see how it is healing....you and your wife have your own unique injury so you should also know better than most what remedies to apply ...have you also considered couples counselling as there do seem to be real issues to address once you move through this initial stage? Link to comment
The_411 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Nah canali, I'm not suggesting that John become forumlaic. What I'm talking about is how attraction works. Guys are naturally at a disadvantage because we're trying to seed women. Therefore if we can have a better grasp about what is going on then there a better chance that we can make things work. I sense that John is learning a great deal and he's well ahead of most guys on this forum. The bottomline is John has to wholly love himself self and realize that he is numero uno. The key isn't to trick his ex into a relationship but rather understand how to better himself so he's a better version of himself while understanding what is actually going on with women. Things soun d good but it's not a step by step process. Sometimes you've got to be like Gary Kasparov and be able to read the board 5 moves ahead of time. Canali, you're not overstepping your bounds whatsoever. It's a message board so feel free to voice your opinion. No one is always correct and there is more than one way to do things Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 This story reminds me a little of that of another user named GoldenHillGuy who I think recently got back together with his ex, successfully.. and he took things really, really slowly... Looks like you're doing everything right, JG! Let us know what happens next! Link to comment
Geneticfreak Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 John, Just a quick message to say good luck! Sounds like things are going well. Hang in there! Geneticfreak Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 Things are progressing nicely. She's been most of the dates so far. Our last one was on Friday. She came over and we watched ever after. We cuddled and then shared our first kiss since the breakup. It was small and quick, but still a kiss. So the progression has been pretty solid...from her actually speaking to me, to us going out on dates, to holding hands in public, to a kiss. Things are going well, but very slow. But the real reason I'm posting is that I had a very hurtful setback and I don't know why it hurts. I deactivated myself from facebook, but once a week now that my ex and I are seeing each other, I re-activate and check her profile. Well, this week she apparently untagged herself of the photos that are of her and I in her profile pictures section so they don't appear anymore. She still has the photos of us in her pictures, but having her get rid of those pictures in her profile pictures section really hurt. I don't know why she'd wait until now to do it either. I'm just confused. Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 JG, wouldn't you be automatically untagged from photos when you de-activated your account? I assume that's the way the facebook software works. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 JG - Wow things seem to be progressing very nicely, but is it normal that you guys are taking things SO slowly? I mean, only a small kiss? With my ex, I don't know, when we got back together we were absolutely passionate and crazy about eachother. I don't know if it means that slow is better, I'm just curious... Link to comment
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