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Second Call in two days after more than a month of NC. How to proceed?


JohnGalt
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
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As everyone knows, my ex-fiance and I broke up after almost six years together. After exhausting my options and making tons of mistakes along the way, I went No Contact. I blocked her from facebook, AIM and took her number out of my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to call. After about a month of NC, she called two days ago.

 

In that call, we just caught up. We talked about life, her trip to Carnaval, etc. It was a friendly conversation. We talked about the economy and spring break. I told her that I was scared of losing my job because the legal industry is hurting right now and the law firm model is crumbling. She said for me to talk to her about it and get it off my chest. I told her I had to go and I would call her back. She said ok. We hung up, my heart sunk. I didn't call her back.

 

Last night, SHE calls again. She tells me that she didn't hear from me last night and that she wanted to make sure that I was ok regarding the job situation. Last night I was more relaxed and aloof. Very attentive and nice to her during the conversation, but no indication that I liked her or would want to get back together. She kept asking about if I'm seeing anyone. She went out of her way to tell me that she's not seeing anyone nor will she be anytime soon. She wants to focus on graduating from law school and stuff.

 

Anyways, really good conversation. She tells me everything I want to hear and even some stuff I don't want to hear...like how she might move back home if the economy doesn't improve (a foreign country) and how she invited some guy from our college days to the law school prom (but she insists he's just a friend and I didn't even ask. I told her it was none of my business).

 

To make a long story short, we talked for about a hour and she asks if I've seen watchmen. I say no which is weird to her because I've wanted to see the movie ever since they leaked it was being made. She had already seen it and told me it was good. So I said, I'll check it out when I go home for spring break. She instead said that she would go with me to see the movie tonight. Very aggressive move. I said ok. So she told me that she'd take me and we'd go after she gets out of commercial transactions today.

 

What's going on here?

 

I figure she's just being friendly, but then why go out of her way to tell me she's NOT seeing people? Why go out of her way to tell me she's NOT having sex. Why tell me about her prom date, but then make clear it is just a friend? Why ask about my dating situation and make so many jokes about it? Such a different tune from a month ago and a much friendlier person.

 

Any advice on this movie thing or what she might possibly be thinking or what the options are going forward would be greatly appreciated. I want to move VERY slowly here as to not get too invested too quickly.

 

Oh and the reasons for the breakup were my fault and I've been working on those - basically, I got really scared about getting married and started acting a damn fool and my ex felt disrespected by some of my actions.

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Just do as u have thus far. Go with the flow, dont really put too much thought into it.

 

Lots of people always want to know whats going on, are they just wanting to be friends, are they wanting to get back together, but honestly it does not matter. Dont think about it. You will know if u just keep going with the flow, acting neutral and natural.

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Just do as u have thus far. Go with the flow, dont really put too much thought into it.

 

Lots of people always want to know whats going on, are they just wanting to be friends, are they wanting to get back together, but honestly it does not matter. Dont think about it. You will know if u just keep going with the flow, acting neutral and natural.

 

Absolutely. Should I go to the movie with her tonight? Or should I email her and make up some excuse for why I can't go?

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That is great news... I think. Don't read into things too much. It's really hard to say if she is going for a friendship or a relationship. I can't really give advice on what to do. I think it depends on the girl. Going back to NC would keep her missing you and letting you heal. It may be an option until she finishes school. On the other hand I know if it were my ex, I'd have to be friends before we could ever become more again. I'd have to prove to her that I have changed. It looks like you may fall in that category. So I guess the question is which way will you receive a better response from her and probably only you could answer that (you should know after 6 years).

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Absolutely. Should I go to the movie with her tonight? Or should I email her and make up some excuse for why I can't go?

 

If you want to go, by all means go. Making up an excuse will only hurt her worse. If you eventually want to get back together with her, don't start playing games now.

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That is great news... I think. Don't read into things too much. It's really hard to say if she is going for a friendship or a relationship. I can't really give advice on what to do. I think it depends on the girl. Going back to NC would keep her missing you and letting you heal. It may be an option until she finishes school. On the other hand I know if it were my ex, I'd have to be friends before we could ever become more again. I'd have to prove to her that I have changed. It looks like you may fall in that category. So I guess the question is which way will you receive a better response from her and probably only you could answer that (you should know after 6 years).

 

Yeah, thanks for the response, longdist. The problem with NC here is that it is really difficult because we go to the same law school and it is VERY small. I've been avoiding her.

 

But yeah, she told me when she broke up with me that she doesn't believe that people change and she wouldn't want me to. She would want to love me for me. She also said if she came back, it would be forever. Obviously, the stupid stuff and mistakes I made can never be repeated, but I'd think she loves who I am at the core.

 

hmmmm...you're probably right, though. I might have to be her friend before I can be more. I don't want to invest into friendship with her though unless I know that she's possibly wanting to reconcile. I think i'll play it by ear and see what her reactions are. Keep it light, neutral and natural like cruzer suggests.

 

Should I go to the movie with her?

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If you want to go, by all means go. Making up an excuse will only hurt her worse. If you eventually want to get back together with her, don't start playing games now.

 

Good idea. I definitely want to go. I just also want to maximize my chances for reconciliation. Any idea what she's thinking from the female perspective?

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Good idea. I definitely want to go. I just also want to maximize my chances for reconciliation. Any idea what she's thinking from the female perspective?

 

I don't know the whole story, but from what you said, she broke it off because of your actions. It sounds to me that she loves you, she misses you and is hoping you are changing for the better.

 

Changing for the better isn't a bad thing. It just means you are looking at yourself and hopefully coming to realizations about what you want out of life and a relationship with her.

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I think people can change... to some degree, just not who they are at their core. If I can't, then I have no hope in any future relationship.

 

Going to the movie and things not working out probably won't hurt any more than your conversation with things not working out. So, I'd say go for it. Feel things out and figure out what her intentions are. You may even want to be upfront and ask her. I think after 6 years, you should avoid games. Tell her that you can't handle being friends yet, w/o the possibility of something more.

 

That's just my advice though. I have been in 1 relationship and I failed misserably after 4-1/2 years, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

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I think people can change... to some degree, just not who they are at their core. If I can't, then I have no hope in any future relationship.

 

Going to the movie and things not working out probably won't hurt any more than your conversation with things not working out. So, I'd say go for it. Feel things out and figure out what her intentions are. You may even want to be upfront and ask her. I think after 6 years, you should avoid games. Tell her that you can't handle being friends yet, w/o the possibility of something more.

 

That's just my advice though. I have been in 1 relationship and I failed misserably after 4-1/2 years, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

You're way too hard on yourself, man. You made it 4 1/2 years man. Lots of people don't stay married that long and who knows, she might come back. The distance is the worst part of your situation, I'm afraid. Not you.

 

Yeah, I get what you're saying, the only problem is (and this probably seems like a game) that I don't want to tip my hand first. If she knows I don't want to be friends without possibility of more, she knows that I'm still interested. That gives her the upper hand going forward. I'm thinking that I'll give a little and withdraw. Like go to the movies and show her an amazing time and then disappear for a couple days, not answer her calls. I'll just be aloof...having her thinking I'm mysterious.

 

Of course Chaosa also agrees that game playing is probably not the best idea, but I still would like to somehow regain the power and control without her knowing that i'm still interested in her. She has made the first move...but she'll have to make the second and third before I show any vulnerability.

 

If I get the friend vibe, I'm going straight back to NC. She'll get the idea. She's a bright woman.

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Good idea. I definitely want to go. I just also want to maximize my chances for reconciliation. Any idea what she's thinking from the female perspective?

 

I think she is definitely missing you & probably asked you out to see if there are still sparks there, you know?

 

You should go to the movies but keep it very light & fun! If you want to get back together, I wouldnt make this a heavy, deep date- meaning dont mention the relationship unless she does etc...pretend its your 1st date

 

The calls & asking you out is a very bold move for a woman, its looking good for you...so far! Good luck & have fun!!!

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Thanks AC143,

 

Your post made me smile and I think you're right. No expectations. Just go and have fun and pretend it is our first date all over again. I was so fun and silly back then. But yeah, you're 100% right, I cannot mention the relationship.

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I think you probably have the right plan. I guess being upfront is the thing to do right after the breakup, but I think you might right to "play a game" now. Give her the most enjoyable life of her night and then wait for her to contact you. definitely don't mention the relationship unless she brings it up, and quickly change the subject if you can.

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I think you probably have the right plan. I guess being upfront is the thing to do right after the breakup, but I think you might right to "play a game" now. Give her the most enjoyable life of her night and then wait for her to contact you. definitely don't mention the relationship unless she brings it up, and quickly change the subject if you can.

 

Agreed 100%. I'm not playing the game to hurt her, but I don't want to show my cards first. Thanks for you advice, man...i really appreciate it. I think the most important thing to remember for me is not to mention our previous relationship. That cannot be emphasized enough.

 

Should I go buy some new clothes? I definitely should look attractive, but would looking too good make me seem desperate?

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Thanks AC143,

 

Your post made me smile and I think you're right. No expectations. Just go and have fun and pretend it is our first date all over again. I was so fun and silly back then. But yeah, you're 100% right, I cannot mention the relationship.

 

Show her that fun & silly guy you were & still are. Im sure she still loves you because you were together for 6yrs, thats a very long time & peoples feelings dont just go away overnight or even after a month. This month probably gave her a good chance to clear her mind & now wants to see if you & her still actually "have it" Enjoy the "date" & yes whatever you do, DONT mention the relationship...seriously.

 

Oh and about your new clothes - I would! It doesn't make you look desperate, it will make you feel & look good, what's wrong with that?

 

Keep us posted!

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I'm genuinely happy for you because I have a good feeling about what you just wrote about your ex. She seems like she misses you!!! Just don't get your hopes up and like you said, don't open yourself too much! I think you should go all out and buy clothes and look great because when you look great you feel geat and that's part of it. Confidence, it's all about it.

 

And even though you WERE harsh to me yesterday I know you don't think I'm a horrible person! =]

 

I'm REALLY curious to hear about the movies!!!

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I'm genuinely happy for you because I have a good feeling about what you just wrote about your ex. She seems like she misses you!!! Just don't get your hopes up and like you said, don't open yourself too much! I think you should go all out and buy clothes and look great because when you look great you feel geat and that's part of it. Confidence, it's all about it.

 

And even though you WERE harsh to me yesterday I know you don't think I'm a horrible person! =]

 

I'm REALLY curious to hear about the movies!!!

 

I was only harsh because I want you to find happiness and your posts remind me a lot of my ex.

 

Thanks though, I'll keep you updated!

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Update:

 

I'm more confused than ever now. Neither one of us would give an inch.

 

Dinner: Dinner was good. She never mentioned getting back together. I never asked. I was a little uncomfortable and nervous to begin the dinner. After my nervous energy subsided, we chatted well.

 

She mentioned the relationship and asked me why did I do some of the things that I did wrong. She asked if I had thought about what I did. I told her why I made some of the mistakes and I apologized for them. She told me it was weird because that's not "her N."

 

I changed the subject.

 

Then she talked about her high school sweetheart who she was considering going back to after we initially broke up. She said that she put closure on it and she would never be with him. She also told me that the guy she invited to prom is someone she'd never be with. I kept emphasizing that it wasn't my business and that she's free to do whatever she wants.

 

I told her that I was buying a condo after we graduate in a really new upscale community. She said she might have to come crawling back and gave me a smile.

 

Movie On our way walking to the movie, we talked some more. Made some jokes about our friends getting married. I told her that getting the invitation to one of our friend's wedding made me sad. She said, "Why? You should be happy not to have to marry me." I made a subtle frown and she picked up on it and apologized.

 

Before the movie we talked about sex. She asked me if I had sex with anyone since the breakup. I looked at her like it was none of her business. She volunteered that she hadn't had sex and then asked me again. I told her no and she was like "so we still have only had sex with each other." She asked me why I hadn't had sex. I told her I wasn't ready. She said she couldn't because she was afraid of forming a deep emotional bond with anyone else right now.

 

I gave her a massage in the theater before the movie started because her back was bothering her.

 

the movie started and we watched it. It was ok. Afterwards, I walked her home. We hugged, both said we had a great time and she'll talk to me when i get back from spring break. I asked her if she wanted to get a late night snack, but she declined saying she was full. Neither of us mentioned getting back together.

 

So I don't know...? Any thoughts?

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I'm sure that is how most 1st dates with an ex goes, whether they're looking for reconciliation or not. I'm sure she was feeling it out for herself. I think these things take time if reconciliation does happen. If it were me, I'd probably let her contact me if she wants, but I wouldn't contact her... even though I would probably really want to. Try to keep the upperhand, as you planned. Maybe consider a few more dates and then something memorable/exotic (an unusual date), but definitely wait for her to contact you and maybe even let her setup the next date.

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I don't want to invest into friendship with her though unless I know that she's possibly wanting to reconcile. I think i'll play it by ear and see what her reactions are. Keep it light, neutral and natural like cruzer suggests.

 

Ok, what i mean by neutral is you have to be ok with friendship, or relationship. I get the feeling u care nothing of being her friend, and only want to associate with her if your going to be her man. Of course thats what everyone who lost the one they care for wants, but if u go into this hoping, wanting, and expecting that, if it dont work, ur going to be devastated.

 

If u cannot handle being just her friend because your feelings for her will always overwhelm you, then stop now.

 

i know right now, with the breakup so recent, ur probably feeling u will never be able to be just friends, but being just friends is better than losing a special person forever?

 

Of course its going to be confusing, did u expect her to say hey lets get back together on your first meet after the break up?

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I'm sure that is how most 1st dates with an ex goes, whether they're looking for reconciliation or not. I'm sure she was feeling it out for herself. I think these things take time if reconciliation does happen. If it were me, I'd probably let her contact me if she wants, but I wouldn't contact her... even though I would probably really want to. Try to keep the upperhand, as you planned. Maybe consider a few more dates and then something memorable/exotic (an unusual date), but definitely wait for her to contact you and maybe even let her setup the next date.

 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're right. We both played it very cool. Neither of us gave an indication one way or the other of how we felt NOW. I think there were signals on both sides though. She obviously knew the breakup was hard on me because she kept mentioning how much weight I lost since the breakup. She has done a complete 180. When we first broke up, it was me initiating everything and trying desperately to be with her. Now that I went NC I think she knows that I was serious about getting over her and she has to initiate the things if she wants. So she has given me the 2 calls, we had the one "date" last night. We'll have to see if this keeps up. I'll be on Spring Break next week and go our separate ways, but if she continues to call I think that'll be a good sign.

 

I want to reconcile with her, but I think that you're right, it is going to be a slow process. And at this point, I have no desire to push reconciliation. Because I've already fought for her and asked her back and she pushed me away, she's going to have to make herself vulnerable and make the first move if she wants to get back together.

 

There was one interesting exchange as we were walking to the movies. I told my ex that one of my HS sweets was moving to the city we're moving to after I graduate from law school. She then joked that I should get together with this friend. I told her no chance because this girl was a chronic cheater and I can't deal with that. My ex then said that "people change and sometimes you have to give second chances." I then challenged her a bit. "You said when we broke up that you didn't believe I could change. That people don't change. Now you say people change. Honestly, what do you really believe." She looked at me and said, "I can't change you, that change has to come from within."

 

Interesting given how interested she was in if I learned why I was doing crazy stuff that led to our breakup.

 

Another possibility is she's not really into me, but wants to keep me in play just in case other options don't work out.

 

Anymore advice and ideas are welcome!

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Well, yeah, I think you're right. I don't want to be her friend. I'm not going to give her that. But right now I'm willing to invest some energy into finding out whether she just wants to be friends or she wants to explore reconciliation. Additionally, I found out last night that I had been idolizing her. I don't think I'd be devastated if it didn't work out - I'd just resume no contact. Right now, I have no expectations, but I do want to maximize my chances for a healthy reconciliation and that probably means taking it slow like you said.

 

No, I didn't expect her to say that on the first meet up, but it would've been nice j/k. Yeah, we're both feeling each other out.

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