messy spouse

[spartacus02]

I have a problem with a messy wife. We have been together for a while and lived together before we got married. I knew she was messy and she has been that way since we first lived together. I love her very much and she is a wonderful person, but she just can't seem to be responsible with helping me out around the house. I am by no means a neat freak, but I do try to keep things picked up. I have tried to confront her about it in a multitude of ways. I admit that I have been angry about it with her too often, but I have even tried to talk openly with her. The problem is that she is very defensive about this particular subject. She is the baby and has always been accused of being irresponsible (often unjustly and in a mean way), by her siblings and parents, so it is obviously a sore subject. She is responsible in most other ways, ie money, work, etc. , but she does things like leave food out, not help with household chores, hold me responsible we she looses things around the house, etc. She is convinced that she is helpful and responsible about household stuff but I basically do everything. I am not sure what to do about it anymore. I am very frustrated and tired of playing maid and personal assistant. She has even admitted on a couple of occasions that she needs to work on that, but nothing is done. What can I do to help her or motivate her to understand that this is affecting our relationship? I have thought about writing her a letter instead of sitting down to talk with her again, as I have done a ton of times. I figured a letter would be a little less aggressive and could open up a better line of communication on the subject after she can process what I have to say. Any better advice?

[Jetta]

Could you afford to hire a maid? Messy people don't change. At least then the duties wouldn't all fall on you.

[Karmageddon]

Better yet, have her pay for the maid! J/K but in reality that may be the only way out. If she has been like this all her life & from what you say, it doesn't sound like she is willing to put forth the effort for you. My ex husband was the same way, but he didn't think he was messy, I finally gave up. He was also very childish about it i.e. vacuum "his" side of the bedroom if I got after him...stuff like that. He also wanted to get a maid...but to only do his chores, since I did mine. I hope you have better luck than I did.

[pinkelephant]

i would stop cleaning and let her live in her own filth in awhile.

[Gratsy]

Why don't you just pick up the slack for her? If you knew from the beginning that she was this way...Personally, I'd just accept that it was my job to clean it up since she is responsible in other areas.

 

Or get a maid? Either way, complaining about it is only going to stress you out and marriages have enough outside sources for that kind of thing.

 

People aren't perfect, and its silly to allow yourself to become bitter over flaws that you've known about since the beginning. You love her and she isn't irresponsible in other areas, so I think that you should let this issue go...the problem is that you're trying to create a solution that doesn't exist (she clean after you nag)...find an outside solution.

[Jelina]

I think you should have a talk with her about her bad habits. But don't do it in a confrontational manner (ex. I find it really annoying and stupid when you leave your clothes on the floor). Also just tell her that you know that she was like this before you moved in together, but it would be nice for her to try to change her habits. And if you do notice little change in her habits, like if she starts picking up after herself tell her you appreciate it alot. Also if you are cleaning, just ask her to come help you. Or maybe you can try diff. ways of organizing your house, maybe buying stuff for storage. I always find it better to clean when I buy stuff like that.

 

I used to share my room with my sister when we were younger and she had the same issue.

[Dr]

i would stop cleaning and let her live in her own filth in awhile.

 

As much as I hate to say it, you're right.

 

I'm a messy person myself. My GF likes the place to be spotless. I drive her mad because I am messy. She tidies up and within the hour the desk is covered again, the tools come out of the cupboard for my next mission, computers get dismantled all over the table etc. Poor girl really does put up with a lot from me

 

It does though go through phases where she just gives up. She won't touch the washing up, the mess on the table, desk etc. Then after a while my instincts of "better keep her happy" kick in and I'll do a 1/2 hearted job of tidying up a bit (normally when the place is so bad I can't find anything and trip over wires and cables every 1/2 hour etc

 

Even we messy people have limits.... normally

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Messy people drive me berserk. I couldn't handle living in a messy house and having to do all the chores. Unfortunately messy people just don't seem to care and they never learn. I really don't have any answers for you because I don't think talking about it or even writing a letter will help. It might help for a while but eventually they always go back to being messy.

[unabashed]

Your situation sounds something like my former marriage. I was the messy one, and my husband was some times at his wit's end. Although I am by no means Suzy Homemaker, I am in a new relationship and seem to have a much easier time keeping up with my responsibilities.

 

What makes the difference for me?

--I was suffering from chronic depression which was undiagnosed or treated. I am happier in life and have gotten some help, and no longer feel mainly sad and overwhelmed with life.

--I have much less stuff than I used to have. It's a lot easier to keep track of less.

--My current partner works with me to get things done and doesn't act entitled or like I owe something. It helps me feel more like a partner in this and less like a "wife" (in the 1930's sense).

--When I do things, it is very much appreciated, as I appreciate it when I get help.

 

It is very uncaring and unloving to suggest that someone live in their own filth. This is someone you love and married, knowing who she is and what was difficult for her. She is not a dog or a bad child, she is an adult woman who is having trouble. If you can help her in any way, without being resentful, try to do that. Or, as someone suggested, just get a maid or someone to help her.

[fern9]

Sounds like the opposite of my issues.

My wife seems to me to be a clean freak. She is more organized than anyone I know and when something is messy or out of place she gets exasperated. So much so that it sets off a whirlwind that builds and from there we can fight about anything and everything. In fact we walked in from a going away party for a friend where we had a fine time and the house set her off on what turned into a fight about about how a girl we both know, who was at an event we were at this weekend, may try to hug me or flirt with me. I tried to tell her not to worry that I wouldn't let it become an issue but that wasn't good enough for her. She wanted some other sort of affirmation that it wouldn't be an issue. What could I offer other than saying it wouldn't be an issue? It wasn't before it isn't now. I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't believe she was so angry at me for something that she thinks could happen in the future even when I tell her it won't. She got so angry she hit me and slammed things around the house. I ended up staying elsewhere for the night. We need counseling, we are both miserable. I always have to remind her that she knew me before it was not like I all of a sudden became unorganized.

 

So I would suggest that you make sure that the cleanliness/ organization issue stand alone and not let it lead to other unrelated fights, because that is just ridiculous.

Change up what chores or duties are expected of each person and make those expectations clear. She, like me may think, "yeah I'd like to be organized" but it is really difficult. Often I don't even know where to start with being organized.

So maybe she could do other tasks, like mow the yard, or maybe she can balance the check book and pay the monthly bills rather than be assigned cleaning work.

[rocio]

This can totally be managed.

 

First, pinkelephant is right. When you're constantly picking up after someone, they don't even realise that you're doing it. Stop cleaning up after your wife for a while and she will start to realise how much effort goes into managing a home.

 

I stopped cleaning for about a week and my husband, who used to claim that he enjoys mess, thereforee he shouldn't have to clean, broke out in a rash from the stress of it. He begged me to help him clean it. lol..

 

Second, get organised. Have a place for everything. Get a box to put in the living room (we have a beautiful ottoman from ikea with a lid and storage room inside link removed ), or a chest - some kind of big box to quickly throw clutter into. Buy a whole bunch of boxes ( link removed ), label them, and stack them in a closet.

 

Third, make a list of all the things that need to be done in a week. Then, let her chose 2 or 3 that she is willing to do. She probably won't do them every week (my husband agreed to take the bathroom on. It's starting to look really grimy and I'm hoping he notices soon!!) but you have to be willing to make sacrifices.

[Dr]

This can totally be managed.

I stopped cleaning for about a week and my husband, who used to claim that he enjoys mess, thereforee he shouldn't have to clean, broke out in a rash from the stress of it. He begged me to help him clean it. lol..

 

Lol sounds like me. Its fun to start with because it means you don't have to tidy up. Then you can't find anything, you start getting frustrated and before long it all has to go!

[melrich]

Clean up for her, but put her stuff away where YOU think it should go and not necessarily where she will be able to find it. She'll get sick of it soon enough.

[philoniousmonk]

You sound like my wife. Quick question, would you or do you consider yourself a "horder". I think this adds to my problem as she cannot throw anything, i mean anything away. I think it is unfair to the spouse to have to deal with such an issue. I have contemplated divorce over this as it is uncontrollable and makes accomplishing any task 10 times as hard as well, causes many fights and has weakened our marriage. Only problem is we have a child and i would hate for him not to have both parents around all the time.

Either way, this forum makes it sound as there is no hope. So i guess eventually ill probably call it quits...when our son is older. Sounds like you found someone more compatible, maybe this is just life...

[Dinka]

Not picking up for a while sounds good...just as long as you realize that you WILL have to pick it up at some point, whether that is on your own or together!!!

 

I suggest designating set chores for each other. Give her the tasks that are simpler, but that will definitely contribute (taking out the trash, putting the clean dishes away, putting the wet laundry into the dryer, etc). Make an actual list that you can check off every week. It really DOES help. And it provides a visual if all of your stuff is checked off, but none of hers is.

 

It sounds pedestrian, but I've seen it in action and it works. And you don't have to approach her in a negative way about it: just tell her that you've set up this list, and to let you know if she wants to switch any chores around.

 

That's my vote.

[srssatellite]

I understand how you feel. My wife does very little around the house. She doesn't work, which is fine with me as I make plenty for us both, but I'm asked to do a large majority of the chores. I've tried approaching it gently and asking if she'd help and she's gotten upset and told me how she "does everything around here" or says she'll "have to do nothing but chores all day." I'm not asking, or expecting, for the house to be spotless every single day, but some simple up keep is nice. For example:

 

- I typically wash all my dishes when I get done using them and put them in the drain, sometimes I'll leave some things sitting overnight. She'll wash some dishes when done using them, but most of the time they get left in the sink and sit there for a couple of weeks or more and then I'm asked to do dishes (which at this point 99% of them are all her dirty dishes). This really sucks when the dishes have been left to sit in water/food particles and begin to mold and create a nasty film of gunk over everything.

 

- I do all of the laundry, she has washed/dried clothes once (not counting the 1-2 times she has put the clothes on for another dry cycle). When they are done, or at least within a day or two, I get my clothes out, fold them, put them up. I used to take the time to fold her clothes for her, but they'd end up on the floor and become scattered around, so I leave her clothes in the dryer for her. She never gets them out to put up, just leaves them in the utility room on the floor, so that's where I put them for her now. To mildly defend her, we do have a very limited amount of space (much of the closets are still full of the owner's materials, which is still in the process of getting cleaned out) for her to put clothes at.

 

- She will vacuum the living room, but that's all. And she procrastinates about it, where as we're using doing nothing when it comes up, so I say just go ahead and do it and get it done with. I vacuum the back rooms, which don't get nearly as dirty within the same time.

 

- The trash will not get taken out unless I do it. We don't use a full size trash can, as we have an abundance of plastic bags from grocery stores that we use for storage, then put those in a big trash bag for the garbage workers. But instead of taking the bag out and swapping the bag, she'll just pile stuff on top and if it falls out and on the floor, oh well, that's where it will stay until I pick it up.

 

I know for a fact her parents never required her to have any responsibilities when she was growing up, but she used to keep her rooms cleaned (until they moved to another house) and when she spent the weekends with me she'd keep her dishes picked up, as well as when we first moved in. I've noticed that if I really want to see things get picked up fast, I just need to invite a friend/co-worker over to hang out and all her dishes and trash will be moved (still not really cleaned up, but it's a start).

 

I have no problem doing house chores, but if I'm working 30+ hours a week, and going to school 2-3 nights for 2-3 hours at a time, then a little help would be greatly appreciated. I know staying at home all day sucks, and it's boring, but that's no excuse for anything.

 

Didn't mean to hijack this thread, good luck OP.

[supercalifragilistic]

You sound like my wife. Quick question, would you or do you consider yourself a "horder". I think this adds to my problem as she cannot throw anything, i mean anything away. I think it is unfair to the spouse to have to deal with such an issue. I have contemplated divorce over this as it is uncontrollable and makes accomplishing any task 10 times as hard as well, causes many fights and has weakened our marriage. Only problem is we have a child and i would hate for him not to have both parents around all the time.

Either way, this forum makes it sound as there is no hope. So i guess eventually ill probably call it quits...when our son is older. Sounds like you found someone more compatible, maybe this is just life...

 

There is hope!! Don't give up on her over something like this. You mention you love her and also that she realizes this is a problem and wants to change.

 

Maybe she just doesn't know how. Maybe you could start by dividing the house work somehow and giving her simple tasks until she gets used to it. Talk to her and see what she would prefer helping with. Teach her how to be neat, maybe she doesn't know how? Maybe she doesn't have the motivation?

Who knows, but I think this is totally fixable. Start small and work your way up, I'm sure she will agree to that since she seems to want to change.

 

If all fails, try some counseling. Good luck with this and I hope you don't give up on your marriage over this on issue. I'm sure you two can at the very least, compromise on this. But I'm pretty sure that with time and patience she can learn to be neat and pick up after herself.

 

Also, about the hoarding, I know how bad it can be. My mom is a lot like that and I am a little too. I don't know about your wife, but I feel really bad about it. I hate having so many things but I just can't bring myself to throw most of them out. If it has a memory associated to it, it's even harder. If her case is so severe maybe you should get some type of counseling? At least for her.

 

To the OP, besides the advice I gave here, I thought about something else. What if you cleaned the house together? I know that when I was with my ex, I wanted to spend all my free time with him or at least doing things I actually like, since I had so little free time. Cleaning was the last thing on my mind. Luckily he didn't mind that I was messy (and I didn't live with him anyways, so it didn't matter). But if it bothered and he suggested that we clean things up together, I'd be pretty willing to do it. I would actually like it. Maybe this will work for her?

[sodizzy]

It is very uncaring and unloving to suggest that someone live in their own filth. This is someone you love and married, knowing who she is and what was difficult for her. She is not a dog or a bad child, she is an adult woman who is having trouble. If you can help her in any way, without being resentful, try to do that. Or, as someone suggested, just get a maid or someone to help her.

 

This is so true. It's been said that I'm the perfect girlfriend and the worst wife in the world. I really hate doing domestic things like cooking, cleaning, laundry *yuck* However, I work full time and I help raise the kids, volunteer with a lot of charities and have a ton of different projects going on. You will never catch me on the sofa watching soap operas and eating bon bons. My husband likes to do this stuff so he takes over a lot of the domestic chores and doesn't mind it EXCEPT he hates cleaning up after me when I've done something stupid like make a mess and not clean it up before I leave the room.

 

I try to not do this but the truth is - my mind runs a million miles a minute combined with ADHD, it's hard for me to focus on any task too long. Luckily he hasn't been mean to me about it but I can tell it upsets him and I fear one day he'll get sick of cooking dinner every night and doing laundry, etc and leave. But it's not a switch you can turn on by calling someone 'lazy'. I agree positive reinforcement is key. Nothing makes me feel better than after I clean up hearing 'WOW~ This looks great- you did a great job!'

 

I know it's childish but it stays in my mind like 'if I want to make him happy, then I will unload the dishwasher and load it' So then I want to make him happy in return.

 

There is a difference between 'Lazy' and 'not seeing it as a priority.'

[mi5erable]

unfortunately there is little i've found can be done with these situations other than to make a decision to deal with it. you could go to couples therapy about the matter but i don't know where that would ultimately get anyone. messy people are messy and will rarely be able to change enough to make a difference to people who like living in a clean and organized home. i love my wife, but for the life of me none of these tactics work and she's never going to change. i've tried doing all the chores, doing none of the chores, having patient and calm conversations about how i feel about bobby pins all over every square inch of the house and piles of shoes and purses and laundry in every corner, i've gotten bins for her mail, cleared out closet space for her stuff, given her an entire room for her stuff so i don't have to look at it and no matter what i do she uses every surface of the house as a place for her to pile something on it, take something out of a cabinet and leave it. i've tried blowing up and yelling, talking about my stress and anxiety about living in a mess, sweeping and vacuuming every weekend, nothing. at most i can get her to do the dishes but when she does she feels empowered by the fact that she is finally cleaning a plate and then starts delegating the rest of the tasks i need to do while she sits around watching the lifetime channel. at the end of the day, i love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her so... sometimes you just gotta deal with it and do your best. getting a maid is an option i haven't explored yet. i may look into it. sorry to be debbie downer but just thought i'd share...