he's lying to me...again guys

[barbielovesmac]

I just can't get over him not coming home.

 

That was the completely I don't even know.

 

I don't know what he's trying to do. Why he didn't come home? He knows im suffering right now ... he's not stupid.

 

I need to go over there and get to the bottom of this.

[tmp0620]

^well said.

[tmp0620]

I just can't get over him not coming home.

 

That was the completely I don't even know.

 

I don't know what he's trying to do. Why he didn't come home? He knows im suffering right now ... he's not stupid.

 

I need to go over there and get to the bottom of this.

 

You need to ignore him and work on yourself.

[Hope75]

I live with my fiance and he would never spend a night out and not come home without either letting me know beforehand that these were his plans, or if something changed last minute (he had too much to drink) he would call and let me know he'd be staying where he was. Even this is rare.

 

It's just unacceptable to me not to call and not to come home.

 

It is hard to leave- I have done it twice with men I lived with and loved and it was very difficult. But I honestly don't see how you can be surprised at his behavior when this has been going on (off and on) since you essentially met him. This is who he is- it has been all along.

 

It seems to me you have two choices: accept it or leave. And since it's pretty obvious you cannot (and should not) accept it, what's left?

 

Think long and hard about this for a minute: what is harder- leaving now, feeling heartbreak for a few months and moving on to something better, or staying put, going this agony every few months indefinitely, adding a marriage and a few kids to the mix that you are now responsible for while he's still pulling this nonsense?

 

To me this is a no-brainer.

 

How about to you?

[RayKay]

Agree 100% with this one Jaded!

 

Man, I used to wrestle on the junior high, high school and university wrestling team practicing with yes, men, at times. The boyfriends I had during those times were wonderfully supportive and encouraging (and for the record, I never dated ANY of my teammates!). I used to be in the military and have to spend days in a row in a hole in the ground with a male coworker or sitting up all night watching a fork in the road with one. I did end up dating someone from the military (my late boyfriend) for five years but I was single when we got involved and I was faithful to him 100% every year together even when he was away for a year and I was still in the military for example.

 

It was completely above board and there was NOTHING untoward about it. I just loved doing it. I still love athletics and find I am OFTEN around many males in the activities I enjoy....and again, there is nothing untoward about it. I enjoy athletics and simply would not be with someone whom discouraged that passion in me and told me to take up cross-stitching or scrap booking instead!

 

 

I absolutely trust my boyfriend to be able to go climbing, or running or hiking with another female friend or teammate and be respectful towards me. He is full of integrity and is a wonderful man and even if he looks at other females, I know he is loyal to me (and I have even had those other women tell me he talks about me often). Just because someone wants to run track or participate in a sport with other women around does not mean they are up to no good.

 

But, I DO think this relationship IS toxic and I think they are bad for one another at this point and they BOTH need to work on themselves (separately) if either of them hopes to have a healthy relationship in their future. Barbie is not in the wrong, but she DOES need to work on herself and gain some self esteem and independence and not wrap her entire life around a guy to point she comes off as so controlling and insecure at any little thing (like him not calling her at work to occupy her time).

[JadedStar]

I just can't get over him not coming home.

 

That was the completely I don't even know.

 

I don't know what he's trying to do. Why he didn't come home? He knows im suffering right now ... he's not stupid.

 

I need to go over there and get to the bottom of this.

 

 

Gosh Barbie! I know you are hurt, I know that. But you need to get over there to get to the bottom of this? WHY? What on earth will you do but make him realize this is over even more? This is what old barbie does. New barbie needs to stay away and let him go.

 

Chasing a man does nothing but make a woman look pathetic and insecure in the eyes of her friends and especially the man she is chasing. It will have ZERO positive effect. You chasing him is akin to a mother going to someone's house to retreive her son who stayed out past his curfew at a party.

 

Do you want a son or a partner Barbie? At this rate you are playing role of mommy and he little boy.

 

I don't know why you are surprised at this latest stunt. How many times has he done this now? What is that old saying...Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me...?

[EQD]

I would like Jaded to take a nice bow for this post..

I ovate it, i know others do as well. i couldnt have said it better.

[RayKay]

If you live together, not coming home without telling you is completely disrespectful in my opinion.

 

Sure there are nights we spend apart - he travels a lot for work for example. But if we are both here, we would never spend the night out like that. There are times we may come home really late, but we do know ahead of time that is going to be case, or the other calls to let the other know it is going to be a late night).

 

Not coming home at all without even telling you that is the case is a huge slap in the face to me.

 

Why does it matter at this point why he did it...he did it. You need to stop wondering why and make decisions about what you are going to do knowing he did!

[barbielovesmac]

i know him not coming home was completley unacceptable. i just don't get why he did that, like what's he trying to prove? i sat up ALL NIGHT waiting for him and at about 12 ... I knew he wasn't coming home.

 

i need to leave him. i know this is what i need to do. it is a no-brainer, Hope. i know this. it's clear he is already gone and i am just holding on to something that's not there.

 

but i should be doing what he's doing after what i caught HIM doing. not him. he should be here alone, worried, upset. NOT ME. i didn't do this. it doesn't make sense.

 

im going to go over to his parents house and see what's going on. im sure he'll cause a big ole scene. he has no problem doing that. but i will be back ... and let you all know what happens.

[Hope75]

This is absolutely true- there are 2 issues at hand here. The first is Barbie's raging insecurity and attempt to control her partner and this has to be addressed by her and changed by her or she will indeed be in this situation with almost every guy. No one likes to be policed and controlled in a relationship. And honestly, I don't know many people who are happy policing and controlling their partner. I don't know if Barbie realizes how unhappy in the relationship she really is. There is no trust and no respect.

 

The second thing is that some of this has been perpetuated by her boyfriend's behavior. It's a chicken and egg question, did the boyfriend become this way because of her? Or did she become this way because of him?

 

Ultimately as someone else said a man of integrity would have put a stop to her controlling a long time ago- either by telling her it's unacceptable and being honest about what he was doing, or by leaving her.

 

Bottom line? This relationship is so dysfunctional, toxic and unhealthy, and this pattern between these two trying to control each other, acting insecure, struggling for power and passive-aggressively backstabbing one another is so deep seated that the best thing for both of them is to put an end to this.

 

Than Barbie can seek counseling on her own for her issues, and address them before considering another relationship- and certainly not with this guy.

[tmp0620]

Not doing anything would serve you a lot better.

[EQD]

im going to go over to his parents house and see what's going on. im sure he'll cause a big ole scene. he has no problem doing that. but i will be back ... and let you all know what happens.

 

...isnt that what you are going to do?

you arent going over there to sit and talk reasonably with him are you?

no.. i dont think you will.

[Portage]

^ That's because negative attention is better THAN no attention at all.

[EQD]

well.. this has been 22 pages of advice. and by the looks of it, its all been ignored.

rock on barbie.. rock on... *waits for next thread*

[Mavh25]

well.. this has been 22 pages of advice. and by the looks of it, its all been ignored.

rock on barbie.. rock on... *waits for next thread*

 

 

Unnecessary

[Miss Firecracker]

Hopefully you will somehow work this out, Barbie. You certainly should talk it over, at least decide what you two want to do, end it or try to work it out. You need closure at least.

[JadedStar]

jaded i think we are referring to these kinds of posts. and another was at the beginning of this thread as well.

 

Well like i said i must have missed a few posts.

 

But all threads have some feel good posts thrown in.

 

I think Cairo meant she deserves to be with someone who doesn't lie and cheat on her, not necessarily her looks being at the core here. No one, no matter how they look or even if they are insecure, deserves to be lied to and cheated on.

 

But there are MANY lessons barbie can learn from this relationship if she allows herself to calm down and look at this rationally and look at the facts. He might lie but facts don't and the facts point to he is a little boy who runs from problems and lies to keep mommy from getting upset.

[EQD]

... heehee.. and mommy is alllways upset.... really. this is a truly toxic relationship.

[EQD]

Unnecessary

 

or spot on..

we will see.

*patiently*

[diamond78]

I need to go over there and get to the bottom of this.

 

 

 

I think what you really need to do is pack up your bags and move out of that apartment pronto! You need time away from your guy so you can at least clear your head a bit.

 

I agree with many posters here that you should start working on your own insecurities and control issues because the only person you can control is yourself. The sooner you start this process the better because you want to be at a good place when you meet the next guy (hoping that you will eventually let go of this one).

 

He left you alone tonight with no phone call or anything....what does that tell you about how he values you in this relationship?

 

You need to start living for you again and bettering yourself as a person. I don't see how this relationship is good for you or him.

[midnightrambler]

well.. this has been 22 pages of advice. and by the looks of it, its all been ignored.

rock on barbie.. rock on... *waits for next thread*

 

 

where is the humanity

[Portage]

Unnecessary

 

I completely agree Grrrr, however, eventually, one needs to help themselves. Don't you think??

[Mavh25]

I completely agree Grrrr, however, eventually, one needs to help themselves. Don't you think??

 

Absolutely, but they don't come here for mockery and sarcasm. Alot of us know how hard it is to take these steps.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think he is avoiding confrontation, and doing something like staying out all night without a phone call is a power play... he knows it will upset her and is a passive-aggressive way of trying to get even or break her down... an 'i'll show you who's in charge gesture...'

 

i dated a guy once who just refused to negotiate in the relationship. he just did what he wanted, and whenever i tried to discuss it with him, he'd just avoid me or the conversation for a long time, hoping i'd forget about it or i'd miss him and soften up and worry about whether he was leaving me. so he'd disappear so i'd switch from thinking about the issue/problem and forget about it and switch instead to worrying about him. then when i'd softened up and time had passed, he'd be back... and he was back to getting his own way.

 

but that really creates distance and is not about building a relationship, but about the one person getting what they want, and *refusing* to negotiate because negotiation means they might have to change or give something up.

 

we even talked about it and he ADMITTED he was doing this on purpose because he was selfish and just wanted to do what he wanted to do. but what was odd was his attitude. it was just a given in his own mind that he should get what he wanted, and whenever i was upset or needed something or a change, he had no intention of doing anything other than what he wanted to do. so in his head his task was making himself scarce until i forgot about the original reason for the fight and was in the grips of missing him or being afraid of him leaving. so i guess trying to starve me out emotionally, or a standoff, until i gave in and he got his way.

 

but what is critical about that is that he ALWAYS got his own way, or he just didn't play. That is no relationship, that is someone being really selfish and only caring about getting their own way and what is easiest for themselves, at someone else's emotional expense.

 

barbie, i hope it goes well for you... i think you need to talk out whatever needs to be said and then make a decision. you've been through a lot recently, so take your time and do what is right for you, at your own pace.

[EQD]

theres constructive criticism and theres taking the piss, you do the latter. UNNECESSARY

 

oh, sorry. i could have sugarcoated what we all have been saying..

but its really just the truth, in bold. we have told her to stay and calm down, to stop and think about the relationship. to work on her issues, we have told her that she deserves more. we have told her he is no good.

... and there she goes... out to find him and work things out again.

*baffled*